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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: 3 weeks after Dday
Getting to Happy
♀ Member
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, March 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've not talked to or seen my WW for more than 10 mins.
Weird huh. But the times they are a'changin'. You are getting a glimpse of your 'new normal'.

I do feel better.
Thank goodness! NC= no new hurts.

I've been going out with friends and OMs wife.
WHOA...your going out with OMW?? Was she a friend before your WW A with her WH?

Gently now~
Your WW inserted (pun intended) the AP into your lives. Please try not to traffic with his BW. Some contact is good...another pair of eyes to monitor the situation. But hanging out with the OBS may not be healthy.

At some point you will have to put the whole toxic experience behind you for your mental health.

The OBS should be booted to the curb along with the rest of the nasty scenario. Please consider this for your own well being.

Take care and protect your heart Coda.


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1144 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
coda87
♂ Member
Member # 40669
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WW finally talked to her mother. I heard this from my mother who has been in contact with my WW's mother. WW said she wanted to reconcile but now that I told everyone she can't. This is the same excuse she gave me the last time I talked to her. She also told her mother that she doesn't plan to marry the OM because it would be awkward with our 3 children and his 2 kids.

Then my mother called last night and said that my WW met with her for a couple hours last night. I wasn't expecting this. Basically WW told my mother the same thing she told her own mother above. She also said that she doesn't want to fight about the divorce because of the legal cost. But she feels she needs more half of the assets to survive.

So I guess this is the end of my marriage. Now it's just a matter of trying to salvage whatever I can from this disaster.

What bugs me the most is that my wife said she wanted to reconcile but can't now because I exposed it to too many people. Is that just another justification on her part? It makes me regret exposing.


Married 12yrs, known 14
DDay 8/21/13
BH 44
WW/STBXW 41
3 kids 12,10,8

Posts: 127 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Honolulu
Bigger
♂ Member
Member # 8354
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Coda,
So what she‘s basically saying is that she can’t be married to you because you involved other people into your marriage…

Duh? What?
Can’t you see the irony in her statement?

About her feeling she needs more than half the assets…
She can feel whatever she wants. I KNOW you have always had the interest of the children in mind. Just keep your steady path.

IF you feel that reconciliation is still possible (and I have ALWAYS maintained that it’s YOUR call and nobody’s else) then you could get that message across. You could tell your mom and her mom that you are totally 100% certain that IF you hadn’t exposed then she would still be having an affair. You could let them both know that IF she meets your requirements R could be possible. But you should definitely let them also know that of two evils then getting out of the marriage beats the heck out of remaining with an unfaithful wife.


"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

Posts: 5566 | Registered: Sep 2005
meplusfour
♀ Member
Member # 38958
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

coda87, your WW is still blaming and using you as an excuse for her problems. She's still in the fog. If she truly wanted to R with you, the last thing she would be worried about is what other people think. The only opinion that she would be concerned about is yours and she would be doing everything in her power to rehabilitate her credibility and your trust in her. Do not regret exposing her, she is showing you who she really is.

Bigger is right (as he usually is). Respond to your mother and her mother exactly as he has said.


BW (me)42
WH 44
3 daughters, 1 son
Married 10 years, together 13
DDay 3/14/2013, four year PA
In R
"Sometimes you have to accept the fact that certain things will never go back to the way they used to be."

Posts: 392 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Canada
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What is sad is that your selfish wife has caused you so much pain and I suspect you would still take her back.

By saying she cannot reconcile because you told family and friends is a way of getting back at you; causing you some more misery. If you examine the statement it is ridiculous; if she wanted you back then folks would be pleased for the both of you if you reconciled.

She is angry because you upset her nice convenient world [a steady marriage and a lover on the side]. Now she is uncertain about the commitment from him and her own personal future. She knows you still care so she is dangling reconciliation in front of you saying, "this could have been yours if you hadn't blabbed". Just trying to punish you for taking control of your relationship. She is probably more pissed about you filing for divorce; that really has broken the family and exposed her to a possible lonely life in an apartment.

She is afraid Coda, and you are the most convenient target to attack. Prepare for more; the knives are out.


Posts: 1815 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
frankier
♂ Member
Member # 33901
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Coda87 - I have been following your story, even though I don't believe I ever posted on your thread.

A couple of things:

1) if she really wanted to reconcile, she would be putting her pride aside and focus on you and what needed to be done to make it work.
2) is it possible that she is now talking to her mother and your mother hoping that maybe that would talk to you and go and beg her to reconcile, so she becomes the "prize" instead of you.

I would think that it is you and not your wife the one who should be reluctant to reconcile to avoid embarrassment and humiliation after having outed her.

Regardless, it seems to me that your wife is full of pride and sense of entitlement. Neither bodes well for a good reconciliation and, possibly, set you up for another betrayal. If she really wants you, she would move mountains and not care an iota about what people think of her while diving into reconciliation.

Best of luck to you.


Me BS 48
Her WS 39
DDay 7/5/10 1/yr EA/PA
DS1 12 DS2 8

Posts: 123 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: ChiLand
LifeisCrazy
♂ Member
Member # 38287
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

By saying she cannot reconcile because you told family and friends is a way of getting back at you; causing you some more misery. If you examine the statement it is ridiculous; if she wanted you back then folks would be pleased for the both of you if you reconciled.

As usual, OK Now hits the nail on the head.

In general, friends and family just want us to be happy. Think about your best friend, or sibling. What do you want for them? What would you say if you found out about infidelity in one of their marriages? You'd tell them, "Look I just want for you guys to be happy."

Same holds true for you. Everyone that you told really doesn't care all that much - except for you to both to figure out what you want and to be happy. If you reconcile, they'll move past it.

Your wife is not "there" yet. Remorseful spouses don't give a damn what others think. Parents, coworkers, friends - they are all put on the backburner as the remorse takes precedence and the overwhelming desire to reconcile moves forward.

Your wife hasn't decided yet - a horrible place for you to remain and a place that you CANNOT stay. YOU need to shift the balance. YOU need to take control back. YOU need to set your own life in motion... regardless of which way she turns.

She wants more than half the assets? Who cares what she wants?? She doesn't think she can reconcile after exposure? Who cares? SHE has chosen the position she is in and she has had an out - it's called reconciliation. But she still wants it on her terms.

She is showing you who she is and where her allegiances lie. End the madness and stop the crazy train.

You can do it.


"Pain is temporary. Quitting is forever."

Posts: 158 | Registered: Jan 2013
coda87
♂ Member
Member # 40669
Default  Posted: 5:57 PM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does anyone have any idea why she talked to my mother? I am suprised by that. Not sure what she gains. Telling my mother what she wants in the divorce settlement doesn't really matter. It's not up to my mom. Is my WW trying to reduce her own guilt?


Married 12yrs, known 14
DDay 8/21/13
BH 44
WW/STBXW 41
3 kids 12,10,8

Posts: 127 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Honolulu
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 9:17 PM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It maybe that enormity of what she has done, breaking up a family of 5, is beginning to hit home. There's no way the OM is going to take on the responsibility of 3 extra kids he isn't familiar with.

I like the comment from frankier; your wife is so full of pride and vanity that she may want a type of reconciliation where she shows no remorse, but you continue living together as a family. Hey, she may even give up the OM if you ask her nicely.
Meanwhile she is talking to your mother, hoping your mom may persuade you to suggest reconciliation. She has too much pride to ask for it herself; not after the humiliation she has dished out.


Posts: 1815 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
Badhurt
♂ Member
Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 9:29 PM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Coda
You do not need to give what she wants any thought at all . You need to give her as little as possible as her reward for what she has put you through. She is now the problem of the OM and when that fizzles out she will begin to really realize what she has done. Stay strong Coda. You are gaining the upper hand here and don't be pressured by any one to reconcile on her terms or you will find yourself back where you were when all this started.

Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
jb3199
♂ Member
Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 10:57 PM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have got to stop second-guessing yourself. It will eat you alive.

I know that you would still like to reconcile---there is nothing wrong with that. The only problem is that your WW is NOT remorseful. She is still attempting to hold the power in your relationship. Just the mentioning that she needs "more than half", is her way of attempting to maintain control.

--She would have reconciled "if" you didn't mess things up.

--She is having marriage discussions with your mother, and exposing your "blame".

--She needs more than what is fair in assets to survive.

Does there appear to be anything wrong with the above statements?

You need to continue to work on yourself. If she really wanted back in the marriage, believe me---you would be the first to know. That pride and vanity of hers would be long gone---replaced with a new humbling that you never would have imagined. Like others have mentioned, she would do anything and everything to attempt to win you back.

Remember the saying, to not listen to words, but pay attention to actions.

What is she DOING that makes you think that she wants to reconcile?


BH-47
WW-44
2 boys-17 & 20(special needs)
Married 21yrs.(together 27yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D


Posts: 2109 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
coda87
♂ Member
Member # 40669
Default  Posted: 3:59 AM, March 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

More drama. I had little contact and minimal communcation from WW, on purpose for the last 4 weeks. But I get a somewhat panicky text from her tonight about how my mother is misinforming her mother about her intentions. And it is pissing her mother off. I am not sure who she meant her mother is angry with, her or me and my mom. Also i found out the reason she went to talk to my mother last night was to set things straight with her. Apparently that didn't work, so now I have to control my own mother, and tell her to stop misinforming my WW's mother. I actually had nothing to do with this. Then she says, her mom is not well and its my fault her blood pressure is high and she is pissed.

I probably should have not responded, but I said I didn't talk to her mother and barely to my mother since Feb. In fact I didnt even know the two were communicating until I visited my mother last week.
I said if she has a problem with my mother, go talk to her herself.

And then she said something that kinda hit me hard, because it might partially true. She said that I tried too hard to win her back right after D-day and that if I told her I wanted a divorce right after, she may have ended the affair earlier and tried to reconcile. I tried to hard and pushed her into APs arms. Is this just more bullshit, blameshifting, mind manipulation. I think it is but I still think there is some truth.
If I could go back to D-day, i would have remained calm, not showed her how devastated I was, tell her I want a divorce, and see an attorney the next day to start the process. I would not even offer an hope of reconciliation until I saw real remorse. I feel dumb for not being strong and doing just that.

I finally said, no more arguing. I won't respond to text's of this nature. I'll only respond to texts having to do with our kids or moving forward our divorce.

[This message edited by coda87 at 4:01 AM, March 25th (Tuesday)]


Married 12yrs, known 14
DDay 8/21/13
BH 44
WW/STBXW 41
3 kids 12,10,8

Posts: 127 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Honolulu
jb3199
♂ Member
Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 6:15 AM, March 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Coda,

No Contact=No new hurts.

I know that children are involved, but stay out of the drama.

And then she said something that kinda hit me hard, because it might partially true. She said that I tried too hard to win her back right after D-day and that if I told her I wanted a divorce right after, she may have ended the affair earlier and tried to reconcile. I tried to hard and pushed her into APs arms. Is this just more bullshit, blameshifting, mind manipulation. I think it is but I still think there is some truth.

Let me answer this or you: This is undisputable manipulation.

Reread that quote. The only thing real in it is that you tried HARD to save your marriage. Who wouldn't? The only one who wouldn't try hard, is someone who doesn't want the marriage. Just the fact that you are fighting to get to a better mental place, shows how much emphasis you put on your marriage, while she systematically destroyed it.

Stop listening to her craziness. And please, STOP believing any of her horseshit. She is still trying to screw with your mind. And someday, when you distance yourself from this, you are going to look back, and be pissed at how she is behaving at this point. And when you get even further out, you will eventually start to pity the way that she behaved. After all, her behavior is simply pathetic.

I'm pissed for you, Coda. I can see straight through the bullshit. She hasn't accepted one shred of blame for the deterioration of your marriage. She has actually blamed you for handling HER AFFAIR poorly...and that is why she can't reconcile. Isn't that crazy enough for you?

Remember, don't get sucked into her drama. If she wants reconciliation, she will SHOW you, not TELL you.


BH-47
WW-44
2 boys-17 & 20(special needs)
Married 21yrs.(together 27yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D


Posts: 2109 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
frankier
♂ Member
Member # 33901
Default  Posted: 8:29 AM, March 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Coda87 - Her last communication with you just shows one thing, in my opinion.
She realized that she screwed up royally and wants to get back together. However, she is waiting for you to beg her so she will always have the upper hand.

I would suggest that you have a conversation with her outlining, very calmly and as a matter of fact for her, where you stand.

You would have preferred to stay together, but her actions, vis a vis the lack of remorse and respect for you and the family (including kids) after DDay, pushed you toward a divorce path to safeguard you and your kids. Even if it will not be the easiest thing on earth, you are ready to go forward without her and that in order for you and your kids to start rebuilding, she needs to stop the drama and grow up. This means stopping texting about gossip, bickering, and similaria.

Please make sure you don't let her drive the conversation. Ask her to please listen without interrupting what you are saying.

There is a remote possibility that, after such a conversation, she will start to see the "light" and start thinking about how to fix things. Then, it would be up to you how to proceed. However, it is possible that she chooses to continue to be self-absorbed and uncaring about your needs as a divorcee to be left alone to heal. In that case, just keep going about your path of detachment and focus on your kids. And please... no favors when it comes to splitting of assets. The law will decide. She deserves no special consideration.

Good luck!


Me BS 48
Her WS 39
DDay 7/5/10 1/yr EA/PA
DS1 12 DS2 8

Posts: 123 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: ChiLand
Badhurt
♂ Member
Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 8:40 AM, March 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Coda,

More bull shit from WW. You reacted like a normal person after D Day, and now she is telling you more of what YOU did wrong. What about the fact that remains being that she banged another man and is still refusing to stop being in contact with him. Who gives a crap at this point what you did or did not do wrong. The only mistake you made was in taking too long to get to where you are now.
And reject this nonsense that it is your fault about her Mom. If she had not screwed another man, her Mom's blood pressure would be fine. Is she worried about your blood pressure????


Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
Bigger
♂ Member
Member # 8354
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, March 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Coda,

The reason she‘s talking to you mother is not the one you think.
It’s well known practice (intentional or not) that when you want to get a message across to someone you aren’t talking to you do so indirectly through an intermediary. She’s telling your mom because she doesn’t want to address the issues through you. She’s hoping your mom gets the message to you and that you respond correctly. When she thinks your mom isn’t getting the message across… she texts you.

She’s unravelling. She’s realizing the enormity of the consequences of her decisions. Remember the train journey comparison I made way back in the beginning? Well… she decided not to get aboard and now she realizes the train has pulled out of the station. Heck – it’s even gathering speed and moving fast out of her reach.

Right now – emotionally regarding the marriage – she’s about where you were a couple of months ago. At that time you still thought the divorce wouldn’t finalize. That there would be some miracle solution that would save everything. In your case you hoped you would wake up to her crying and begging for another chance, open for being totally honest and remorseful. Well… she never did that and you have moved on. In her case I can only speculate on what she’s waiting for. She seems to realize OM is a dead end, she seems to be grasping that there will be economic implications…

Look – I am extremely pro-reconciliation. I still believe that IF you wanted to R and IF she came to you willing to R on the CORRECT basis then you two could work things out. But I think you have become enough of a realist to see that EVERYTHING has to line up. At the moment it’s like you might have 2 out of 5 Powerball numbers; it’s not enough for the jackpot. You can wish all you want but reality is what it is.

She NEEDS to argue with you. She NEEDS to feed her emotions. Fact is when all calms down she realizes her situation is of HER making. So if you had thrown her out on d-day she would claim the opposite of what she’s saying now. If you hadn’t told anyone it would be something else… She needs an argument to reaffirm to herself what an asshole you are and why the divorce is therefore OK.

Go back to what I suggested about arguments way back: Don’t participate! If she is worried about your mom’s perception of her then AT MOST you answer that since you two are divorcing then your mom won’t be an integral part of her life for much more, so mom’s view on her isn’t really of any importance. Main thing is never to feed her need to have reasons to hate you.


"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

Posts: 5566 | Registered: Sep 2005
Commanche1
♂ Member
Member # 39692
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, March 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"she needs more half of the assets to survive." Maybe she needs to talk to her boyfriend about what she needs to survive, That is not your problem, She's not going to marry OM as that would be awkward, looks like she has made some poor choices, she is fishing for support or interest, If you still wanted to save your Marriage nothing wrong with sending her a list of non- negotiable Requirements so there is no misunderstanding. or just let her flounder as she is clueless

Posts: 78 | Registered: Jun 2013
k9lover1
♀ Member
Member # 8531
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, March 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In Hawaii do they have both a contested and a non-contested court calendar?

are you even scheduled for a court hearing or is your attorney and hers trying to "work out the financials" first. Trust me on this, you may be better off and it might be cheaper to just schedule for a contested calendar and let the judge decide.


D-Day was 10/9/05
He promised NC. He lied. After 4 chances, I kicked him out 1/05/06.
Since then I have survived cancer surgery and a heart attack.
Now he's sorry, but it's too late.

Posts: 8114 | Registered: Oct 2005 | From: Wisconsin
catlover50
♀ Member
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, March 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Coda I just want to chime in here, for the first time.

Your WW is now blaming you for not being manipulative enough after Dday? Seriously? For being honest about your feelings you "pushed" her into the AP's arms? That is such bs that it hurts my teeth.

Sure, sometimes we realize afterwards that we perhaps should have played the "game" differently. But for her to BLAME you for not playing the game better is ridiculous and blameshifting of the worst sort.

I would be very careful right now. I agree with the other posters. She is manipulating you because she feels you slipping out of her control.

Do not let her make you feel badly about how you behaved; as Bigger said, if you chose a different option she would be criticizing that.

Stay strong.



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1813 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
Tearsoflove
♀ Member
Member # 8271
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, March 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's your fault her mother has high blood pressure. It's your fault she talked to your mother and your mother talked to her mother. It's your fault she' ran to the AP because you loved her too much. It's your fault, it's your fault, it's your fault.

I disagree with those who think she's finally realizing what she's done. This woman hasn't realized shit. She's been blame shifting her whole life and this is nothing new. I'd be willing to bet if you went back through your history, she NEVER took responsibility for ANYTHING. Problems at work- the bosses fault or someone's out to get her. Problems with her marriage- he did too much or he didn't do enough. Problems with her children- they don't know how to behave because of...(insert everyone else but her here). It's always been someone else's fault when things don't go her way. And she's been the great hero of the story when everything is going the way she wants.


Stop talking to her. Period. Unless this woman sends a message that says "I caused all these issues that I now have to deal with and I'm sorry" you're wasting time dealing with her at all. Until she consistently takes responsibility for her behavior, nothing with her will change and you'll be dealing with the same thing for the rest of your life. What I'd be focusing on is helping your kids take responsibility for their own actions because her example teaches them that everyone else is responsible when things go wrong and it's okay to do whatever you want to make yourself happy even if it makes everyone else around you miserable. Her attitude of entitlement will be contagious without some damage control.

[This message edited by Tearsoflove at 5:16 PM, March 25th (Tuesday)]


"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." ~Homer Simpson


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