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Newest Member: Hopeful30 (44618)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: 3 weeks after Dday
coda87
♂ Member
Member # 40669
Default  Posted: 5:44 AM, March 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All i know is that my WW has reached a new level of irrationality and inconsideration. She definitely tried to pick a fight with me. And I almost got fully drawn into it before i realized there is no point in arguing.

Dont worry everyone, im sticking to my guns now. There is no backing down anymore. I have no desire to R. D is my only way out of this and I know it.


Married 12yrs, known 14
DDay 8/21/13
BH 44
WW/STBXW 41
3 kids 12,10,8

Posts: 124 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Honolulu
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 6:12 AM, March 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Its just what everyone is saying. Unless your wife drops her extreme arrogance and stops blaming you for everything that goes wrong in her life, talking things over with her is pointless. She is delusional and irrational.

She won't and can't get off her pedestal. Too much pride. I think she will now drag out this divorce by putting every obstacle in the way and demanding extra assets and compensation. Just be patient and keep the whole thing moving. One day you will be rid of her and her narcissism.


Posts: 1704 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
coda87
♂ Member
Member # 40669
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WW seems angry now and trying to pick fights with me again. She texted me to check if I fed the dogs. I wasn't able to respond for about an hour. During that time she texted me several times, saying crap like ,did I feed them or not?, the dogs are living things (implying I don't care), then she said I'm cold when it comes to the dogs and that shows what kind of person I am. Omg give me a break! Like our children, she left our dogs for me to take care of. I admit I am not as much of a dog person as my wife, but I've taken care of them since she left. I was almost tempted to defend myself, but I just texted back that I did feed the dogs.

Still no response from her about my offer for the divorce decree. It's been a month now. So my attorney drafted one and will just send it directly to her attorney for a response.


Married 12yrs, known 14
DDay 8/21/13
BH 44
WW/STBXW 41
3 kids 12,10,8

Posts: 124 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Honolulu
Jduff
♂ Member
Member # 41988
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Isn't it interesting that such devices as smartphones are such enabling tools for A's. The WS practically live their lives around such devices, oblivious to the fact that most people aren't plugged into these damned things 24\7.

When you look at her ridiculous text dialogue, it speaks volumes of self centered behavior. You have better things to do, like real life, taking care of business, getting a D process rolling, than sitting around with a smartphone waiting breathlessly for some AP to send you words of validation, or directing drama with a pair of thumbs. Say, isn't that what teens do?

Anyway, good job responding in short to the point answer, then crickets. She is pissed because you now have the power if, when, and how to respond.


Divorced - 5/23/14
Already in my New Beginning - :)

Posts: 430 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: texas
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She dumps the dogs on you and complains when you don't feed them on her schedule? All part of her anger that everything has not gone right in her life; OM is not cooperating and you filing for divorce, which is just an exercise in loss.

When she feels miserable someones going to get it; you and the children obviously. Apparently not the dogs.


Posts: 1704 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
twisted
♂ Member
Member # 8873
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I apologize for the big smile I got when I was catching up on your updates when I read:

And she said something like, she doesn't think we could reconcile even if we tried, but she is not sure if things will work out with AP either, so it's a hard choice.

I know it's not funny, but I would have bit my tongue in half trying not to "help her with a choice". I know you have to play nice because of the kids and pending divorce, but I'm a vindictive bastard at heart.


"Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

Posts: 893 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: Oklahoma
coda87
♂ Member
Member # 40669
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, April 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mother in Law is not returning my text msgs or emails? My WW did finally contact her mother. I don't know what she told her. Initially MIL seemed to be an ally. Maybe my WW lied to her mother. My mother also contacted MIL. I found out MIL has lung cancer and going through chemo. So maybe she just doesn't want to deal with this now. My messages to her were just to the effect of "everything ok with you"?

I signed a draft divorce decree with terms that I think are fair. My atty will send to WW's attorney soon.


Married 12yrs, known 14
DDay 8/21/13
BH 44
WW/STBXW 41
3 kids 12,10,8

Posts: 124 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Honolulu
Bigger
♂ Member
Member # 8354
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, April 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Coda,

Divorce – even the most amicable ones – create changes in relationships that are connected to the marriage. Your MIL relationship with you will change, and chances are she doesn’t have much of a clue as to your role in her future life.
It’s OK to expect your friends to take sides per se. Not necessarily beneficial but chances are they will take sides one way or the other. But if you expect her family to take sides… well… expect them to side with her. It’s not necessarily a sign of support for the infidelity, more a sign of support to your wife no matter what. Sort of love the sinner, hate the sin.

You can impact your role with MIL. Talk to her. She’s going to be part of your life anyway as your kid’s grandmother and you can interact with her without expecting her to shun her daughter or mourn you as her SIL.
With the slight history we have I would even suggest you reach out to her and assure her that you are there for her while she undergoes her treatment. That irrespective of how things go between WW and you then MIL can count on your support.


"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

Posts: 5504 | Registered: Sep 2005
coda87
♂ Member
Member # 40669
Default  Posted: 4:54 AM, April 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I found out from OMW that AP makes $33k per month.
I know it shouldn't matter. But that's way more than I make (I'm make 6 figures but not that much). And it's a blow to my ego and makes me think no wonder my WW decided to go with OM. Even after having to pay alimony and child support, he still will have ample left over income to support my WW. She wouldn't even have to work.
Now I remember some of the things my wife implied about having to work, and our finances. It makes sense now. He is probably lavishing her with nice gifts, maybe even helping out with cash here and there. Fuck.


Married 12yrs, known 14
DDay 8/21/13
BH 44
WW/STBXW 41
3 kids 12,10,8

Posts: 124 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Honolulu
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, April 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If he has all that money why is he going to waste it on a woman with kids hanging around her neck; he is going to play the field. He will soon be relatively free of family commitments, why should he take on a whole barrel of new obligations by marrying your STBXW? Thats whats she's hoping for and I don't think she will get her wishes fulfilled. She can sense this, hence her angry, ratty behavior.

Posts: 1704 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
twisted
♂ Member
Member # 8873
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, April 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Even after having to pay alimony and child support, he still will have ample left over income to support my WW. She wouldn't even have to work.

Sounds like a win for you, let him support her, and his old wife and family. If you can get out with just some child support and work out custody, you'll be looking good. You'll be free of a life choking issue in your life, the AP gets a cheating woman, an angry ex, a gaggle of confused kids and all the bills.
If it's going to happen, let's take a walk on the sunny side of the street.


"Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

Posts: 893 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: Oklahoma
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, April 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I remember some of the things my wife implied about having to work, and our finances. It makes sense now. He is probably lavishing her with nice gifts, maybe even helping out with cash here and there.

So she's willing to put out for money??? Hmmmm......

Better off without her brother. Now you know her true colors.


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2686 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Jduff
♂ Member
Member # 41988
Default  Posted: 2:59 PM, April 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Even after having to pay alimony and child support, he still will have ample left over income to support my WW. She wouldn't even have to work.

Meh, 33k/month supports the lifestyle, before the A. That will change significantly once he takes on more than he bargained for, just like OK Now and twisted described.

Besides, if that's all your WW cares about then good riddance. There's way more to value in life than $$$.


Divorced - 5/23/14
Already in my New Beginning - :)

Posts: 430 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: texas
coda87
♂ Member
Member # 40669
Default  Posted: 2:55 AM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My attorney finally sent WWs attorney my offer to settle the divorce. I basically offered the same thing to my WW about 5 weeks ago. But no response from her. He also made a special type of legal offer where if we end up going to trial and my WW does not end up with anything better than what I offered, then she has to pay my attorney fees for going to trial. Seems like a pressure tactic to me, but my attorney recommended it so I went along with it. We will see what happens.

Also, the last week or so, WW has been more decent an even polite in our limited communications regarding the kids and other necessary things. No more calling me a dog hater etc. And she is using more please/thank yous. Maybe she is just over the crazy crap that went on between her mother and my mother.

OMW called a second attorney firm to do an initial consultation. So sounds like she is ready to file soon.

[This message edited by coda87 at 2:57 AM, April 8th (Tuesday)]


Married 12yrs, known 14
DDay 8/21/13
BH 44
WW/STBXW 41
3 kids 12,10,8

Posts: 124 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Honolulu
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 6:30 AM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Be prepared for your WW to drag her feet with regards to the divorce. It does seem apparent she doesn't want it.
Conclusions:
1] The OM isn't going to marry her and has probably told her this.
2] She can see an end to this affair. The romance, mystery and excitement are gone, replaced with cold reality. What about the children; OM's and hers?
3] As a result getting divorced from you offers her no advantage. She is then a single mother with kids to raise, living in an apartment, eternally worrying about finances.
4] If you meet someone then she has to watch while you move on with your life and find new happiness.
5] She is probably disillusioned with men. They don't want commitment with a woman with 3 children, they just want sex. Thats no surprise, she'll meet plenty of married guys looking for excitement.
6] She knows she has destroyed your relationship, but even so staying married to you offers her lots of material advantages over being single.

Expect more foot-dragging. She f*cked up and knows it.


Posts: 1704 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
Bigger
♂ Member
Member # 8354
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does OM present lifestyle support OMW theory that OM makes 33k a month?
If your WW fell for OM because of his cash… well… there is a well-known term for women that sell themselves for money…

Please Coda take care not to replace your present relationship with your wife with divorce – as in making the divorce process your future relationship with WW. I have seen dozens of cases here on SI where the divorce process becomes a long argument over non-issues. If you can then distance yourself as much as possible from the non-important issues; move on with life and keep WW at a distance. Don’t enter arguments, let your attorney handle the key issues – the issues you WANT handled. Be goal- oriented.
Divorce is the process of determining the MINIMUM amount of interaction a couple need to have – most often determined by co-parenting needs. After d you two won’t be sharing Thanksgiving, summer holidays or Sunday dinners.


"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

Posts: 5504 | Registered: Sep 2005
happyman64
♂ Member
Member # 33212
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Coda

Bigger is right.

And stop thinking of how many more $$$ he makes more than you. Next you will be comparing dick sizes.

None of those are good reasons for a divorce. You know that.We know that.

Your wife was selfish.

Your wife is selfish.

Infidelity and the lies that go with it are selfish acts.

Sadly her and the om's selfishness affects both families....

Be strong. Focus on you and your kids.

HM



Posts: 817 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New York
staystrong101
♀ Member
Member # 41068
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So sorry Coda. It's awful, all of this! My perspective is a little different though. I needed to know the truth. I agree with momentintime - better to know the facts and deal with it than to always wonder what really happened. I met my XWH out to talk 4 times after DDAy. He begged me not to D him. I told him the only way we could get through this is if he told me the truth. I was willing to try to work things out. Every time we met, he told me "That's it, now I've told you everything." But the next time, more of the story came out. (This is trickle truth??) I knew then that I had no choice but to divorce him. He was lying to me, and still protecting the OW. I knew I could never trust my WH again if he did not come clean and tell me the truth. Our D was final in Jan. I have never regretted my decision to D him. I deserve to find someone who values me, respects me and loves me. I don't want to be with someone who lies to me, cheats on me, and makes a fool of me. My 4 children have all told me, separately, how much they admire me for having the courage to walk away. I know everyone is different, but I'm not sure why someone wouldn't want to know the truth. It's all very painful, but not knowing the details doesn't mean their behavior didn't happen.

Posts: 76 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United States
staystrong101
♀ Member
Member # 41068
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry I posted on the wrong one - my comment was meant for Details, why?

Posts: 76 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United States
coda87
♂ Member
Member # 40669
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMW showed me their joint tax return for 2013. Salary and Wages was a little over $400k. What is strange is that their lifestyle doesn't seem like a couple that makes that much. They rent (although in a nice condo but not super high end), they drive 2006 volvo/2007 mercedes, their kids go to private school ($20k per student in Hawaii). OMW says OM likes to buy nice things. And I'm sure he has spent money on women, my WW being the latest. But for someone making that much $, I would expect them to own a home in a nice neighborhood, drive nicer cars, own some more property. So I do not know where OM is putting his money. And neither does is wife, since he has kept her in the dark about their finances.

I'm trying to make the D process as quick as possible. She is dragging it out. I have stopped discussing D with her mostly because she refuses to talk much about it or start negotiating. So now I pretty much let my attorney handle it.

[This message edited by coda87 at 1:57 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)]


Married 12yrs, known 14
DDay 8/21/13
BH 44
WW/STBXW 41
3 kids 12,10,8

Posts: 124 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Honolulu
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