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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: 3 weeks after Dday
Jduff
♂ Member
Member # 41988
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Be prepared for your WW to drag her feet with regards to the divorce. It does seem apparent she doesn't want it.
Conclusions:
1] The OM isn't going to marry her and has probably told her this.
2] She can see an end to this affair. The romance, mystery and excitement are gone, replaced with cold reality. What about the children; OM's and hers?
3] As a result getting divorced from you offers her no advantage. She is then a single mother with kids to raise, living in an apartment, eternally worrying about finances.
4] If you meet someone then she has to watch while you move on with your life and find new happiness.
5] She is probably disillusioned with men. They don't want commitment with a woman with 3 children, they just want sex. Thats no surprise, she'll meet plenty of married guys looking for excitement.
6] She knows she has destroyed your relationship, but even so staying married to you offers her lots of material advantages over being single.
Expect more foot-dragging. She f*cked up and knows it.

Very, VERY true! Any or all of the above is happening. This is why YOU have the power now in your situation.


Divorced - 5/23/14
Already in my New Beginning - :)

Posts: 619 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: texas
coda87
♂ Member
Member # 40669
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with all the points except #5. She maybe be disillusioned with OM, and cheaters. But she has no reason to feel that way about men. I was committed to her and our family, and she knows it. And we know plenty of other families with good husbands (and wives).

This whole situation is just a big Disappointment, waste, and a tragedy. I know she doesn't deserve it but I feel very sorry for her. And I am worried if she is going to be okay. I'll never tell her this now.


Married 12yrs, known 14
DDay 8/21/13
BH 44
WW/STBXW 41
3 kids 12,10,8

Posts: 127 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Honolulu
coda87
♂ Member
Member # 40669
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, April 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WW is getting worse. The last 3 months I've been diligent at keeping our communications short and very business like and only when it comes to our kids or the divorce process. But the last few week, WW is frequently sending provoking texts to me.

Earlier this week she said I told the kids she "stole" some bacon she used from our house. And that I shouldn't do that because it's bad for the kids. I never said she stole it. I couldn't resist pointing out her hippocracy, so I texted back saying that she cheated on me and left our family for OM, and that is really bad for the kids.

Then yesterday we had to go to a parent teacher conf. My son was there too. I was not friendly with my wife, but neither was I rude. I basically showed no emotion. After we left she sends me a text about how my behavior was bad and that I should not show our son my feelings and that I should go seek counseling. I felt like texting back, again to point out her hippocracy regarding her own behavior. But I bit my tongue and ignored her.

I did email my attorney a heads up. I'm wondering if she is deliberately trying to piss me off.

It is starting to get a little nasty.

[This message edited by coda87 at 4:11 PM, April 25th (Friday)]


Married 12yrs, known 14
DDay 8/21/13
BH 44
WW/STBXW 41
3 kids 12,10,8

Posts: 127 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Honolulu
frankier
♂ Member
Member # 33901
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, April 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It sounds like she is after some attention... just keep doing what you are doing and ignore her.

Also, as you suspect, it could be that she is trying to create some sort of trail to show your "abusive" behavior.

Carry a Voice Activated Recorder when interacting with her (make sure it is legal in your state to record conversation without authorization of all teh parties). And kudos to you for informing your lawyer.

Good luck to you!


Me BS 48
Her WS 39
DDay 7/5/10 1/yr EA/PA
DS1 12 DS2 8

Posts: 126 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: ChiLand
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 5:14 PM, April 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

They will truly cling to the smallest, saddest, most pathetic things you do as an attempt to gain the elusive (for them) moral high-ground. As if an accusation over bacon or a lack of effusive friendliness at last gives them the advantage they have been seeking for, to prove you are a villain and they are the victim! It would be laughable if it weren't deeply enraging in the moment.

Actually, it's still laughable. Good for you for staying NC. She is just flailing around while your strokes become more assured.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4203 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, April 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Instead of just leaving this to your attorney, start demanding that your wife accelerate the divorce process. She chose the OM and agreed to separation; she definitely does not love you or desire any physical relationship; why is she dragging her feet?

Just keep at her with reminders that surely this is what she wanted, then why the lack of cooperation? Be blunt; you want this cheating ingrate out of your life so you can move on. Goad her, be aggressive and show her she no longer has any hold over you.

Your failure to do this gives her the impression that you want to drag this out to. Underneath it all you still care; still open to the idea of reconciliation. You can show her that you don't give a damn and want her out of your life ASAP. Just kick up a fuss and demand she cooperates fully with the divorce. You need to understand that she is deliberately slowing this down because it reveals to her that don't really want to divorce either, or you wouldn't put up with her stalling tactics.

When she provokes you tell her to get out of your life, together with a few choice sarcastic comments. She will get the message; you want her gone , like yesterday. I think she will then let go, since you will have finally shown her you truly don't care anymore. You haven't done that yet.


Posts: 1824 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
Bigger
♂ Member
Member # 8354
Default  Posted: 8:13 AM, April 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is a known pattern when people argue.
It doesnt really matter what you say: everything and anything will be misunderstood to the worst possible outcome.

So if you reply you cant reply correctly. If you dont reply the silence will be seen as provocation.

If you think you should respond then I would do so in a way she really doesnt expect:
Im sorry you perceived my attitude towards you as unfriendly. My goal is that we can be amicable co-parents. To that end I think its important we finalize the divorce as quickly as possible so we can both move on.


"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

Posts: 5567 | Registered: Sep 2005
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, April 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did email my attorney a heads up. I'm wondering if she is deliberately trying to piss me off.

It is starting to get a little nasty.

Brother, I like Biggers response:

Im sorry you perceived my attitude towards you as unfriendly. My goal is that we can be amicable co-parents. To that end I think its important we finalize the divorce as quickly as possible so we can both move on.

That's the *MOST* conversation you should have with her other than child issues. Every time you respond to her provocations, it can and will be used against you in court. Trust me, BTDT.

Strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 3173 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
happyman64
♂ Member
Member # 33212
Default  Posted: 10:12 PM, April 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Biggers response is perfect.

Or you could respond with the old tried and true "I am sorry you feel that way".


Posts: 974 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New York
coda87
♂ Member
Member # 40669
Default  Posted: 4:56 PM, May 5th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WW is back to being more cordial again. Not sure of why the change in attitude. It reminds me of how I was after D-day, nice one day, then angry the next. Anyway, I've been polite to her as well.

WW and her attorney did not respond to my divorce settlement offer. So now my attorney is going to file a motion to set, the next step in going to trial to settle this. Unfortunately, this will cost both of us more $. I really wanted to settle this out of court. I do not understand why she doesn't want to cooperate and settle it instead of going to court.

OMW has chosen an attorney to represent her,and is about to file too.

[This message edited by coda87 at 4:58 PM, May 5th (Monday)]


Married 12yrs, known 14
DDay 8/21/13
BH 44
WW/STBXW 41
3 kids 12,10,8

Posts: 127 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Honolulu
Jduff
♂ Member
Member # 41988
Default  Posted: 6:14 PM, May 5th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do not understand why she doesn't want to cooperate and settle it instead of going to court.

Maybe she wants drag it out a little further and get another crumb of the cake she's been eating? Maybe she's getting splinters on her ass from the fence she's sitting on? Maybe the reality of the situation is really settling in her mind? Who knows, but I understand your frustration. She wanted the D but she drags her feet. I'm in the same situation and it has taken a LOT of prodding to get my STBXW and her L to respond. You would think that a wayward that wants D so badly would lead the effort! Just you and your L keep poking away at the process. Her "nicing" you in the final stretch to get you to back off the D is not remorse. Just remember that.


Divorced - 5/23/14
Already in my New Beginning - :)

Posts: 619 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: texas
Bigger
♂ Member
Member # 8354
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, May 6th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Coda
Have you tried asking your wife to look at the settlement? Dont ask her to argue it or discuss it with you but rather simply state the obvious:
-Its to both your advantage to move on from the present situation.
-Divorce is the only logical conclusion.
-That negotiating a settlement out of court will save both of you money money that can then be used in reestablishing a new life.


"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

Posts: 5567 | Registered: Sep 2005
coda87
♂ Member
Member # 40669
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, May 6th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, I have asked her that. I even summarized it all on a excel spreadsheet so it is easier to understand the numbers. I did this back in January. At that time we were still talking and we agreed to work out the major issues between the two us, then give it to the attorneys to write it up formally.
I've repeated to her several times that doing it this way we will save on legal costs. And our attorneys will still do a final review.

She is like ostrich with her head in the sand.
The bad part is that the longer this goes on, the less likely I will be able to afford a buyout of our home. I've pretty much depleted most of my cash. I'm racking up credit card debt now to pay my attorney.

I am hoping that starting the process of going to trial will bring her back to the informal negotiating table.


Married 12yrs, known 14
DDay 8/21/13
BH 44
WW/STBXW 41
3 kids 12,10,8

Posts: 127 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Honolulu
coda87
♂ Member
Member # 40669
Default  Posted: 4:45 PM, May 8th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I talked to my WW yesterday. What started out as another useless argument over the history of who was to blame for what, turned out to be a Truce of sorts.

I asked her to agree to let us both just focus on the divorce and finish it off asap. That we try to be good co-parents and if issues come up with the kids, lets check with each other first before jumping to conclusions. And finally, lets not argue about the past and who is to blame.
She agreed.

I also asked her what is the delay in responding to my divorce settlement offer. She said she gave her lawyer the ok to counter offer on April 7. But he has not prepared the paperwork. Could be a lie, I'm not sure. But she said she will call him today to ask him to hurry up.

I know some of you think I'm still open to reconciliation. And that my wife still thinks she can reconcile if she wanted to. I admint, it was like that several months ago. But I know how I feel now, and I have been very clear with her, I just want to expedite the divorce process and move on. So in our situation, our marriage and the affair will end up in a divorce.

I look back on these past almost 9 months now and I am really disappointed with myself and how I reacted. I should have been stronger, more decisive in the beginning. I regret all the mean crap I have said to my WW. She may have deserved it, I know. But I could have acted with more control, class, and self dignity. Whatever good feelings she still had for me were extinguished by me reacting in a way that reinforced her need to justify to herself that I was not a good husband (so it was okay for her to have the affair). I know her actions and justifications are wrong. But it all comes down to perspective. I could have guided her back to me. Instead I pushed her away.

Oh well, at least I've come out of this learning so much more than when I started. I can see a light at the end of this dark period. Thank you all for your help and advice. What a crazy ride is has been. Time for me to get off the rollercoaster and get on with a normal and happy life.


Married 12yrs, known 14
DDay 8/21/13
BH 44
WW/STBXW 41
3 kids 12,10,8

Posts: 127 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Honolulu
Schadenfreude
♂ Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 4:54 PM, May 8th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A month to review/revise a divorce judgment? I'm a lawyer, and recognize that as bullshit. There is one strong possibility, however, which is that she hasn't paid her lawyer. Hmmmmm....

Or, she's stalling hoping you'll "cave" and offer a better deal. Rule #1: never negotiate against yourself.

Send your attorney a note or email asking why the paperwork isn't complete for you to review in almost six weeks. Ask if he/she can't call the other lawyer who may not have the paperwork yet.

The Pope abolished Limbo as Catholic doctrine. You, however, are proving him WRONG -- Limbo exists and you're stuck in it for reasons you had NOTHING to do with. And I mean legal Limbo, not marriage Limbo.

Maybe things aren't 100% fine in Happyland? That could explain her recent change of attitude towards you.

[This message edited by Schadenfreude at 4:55 PM, May 8th (Thursday)]


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
coda87
♂ Member
Member # 40669
Default  Posted: 8:27 PM, May 8th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep, the delay seems like BS. But I can't tell if its my WW or her attorney.

I did email my attorney about my wife waiting for her lawyer to write up the counter offer documents.

I am 99% certain, my wife does not to reconcile with me regardless of what happens with AP. She didn't want to reconcile right after DDay, and certainly doesnt want to now after all that has happened Not only that, I don't want to be married to her anymore.


Married 12yrs, known 14
DDay 8/21/13
BH 44
WW/STBXW 41
3 kids 12,10,8

Posts: 127 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Honolulu
coda87
♂ Member
Member # 40669
Default  Posted: 7:17 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

About three weeks ago, I finally got a counter offer from my WWs attorney. Of course it is in her favor but at least I know how far apart we are now. But then, the same day, her attorney withdraws the counter offer. How's that? I couldn't resist asking my WW what the heck is going on. She said she thought I would get upset. But I am not sure what was the real reason.

The good thing is that we are pretty close on custody issues. So my attorney is trying to formally agree on the custody issues. Then he will file to set a date for trial. So I'm just waiting again.

Most of the time, I'm in the frame of mind where I making the best decision with the total shitty situation I've been dealt. I much prefer to have this attitude. But once in a while, I wonder if I am doing to right thing. Then I think of how crappy WW treated me, and I regain my resolve.

In the meantime, OMW filed for D. OM got served and their D looks like it will be pretty nasty. OM is using a Jack of All Trades type attorney. OMW is using same law firm as me, specialists in Family Law. I know I shouldnt think this way, but I will have a big smile on my face if she takes him to the cleaners. He makes $400k per year, she doesnt work, I think she will be fine

Aloha,

Coda

[This message edited by coda87 at 7:18 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday)]


Married 12yrs, known 14
DDay 8/21/13
BH 44
WW/STBXW 41
3 kids 12,10,8

Posts: 127 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Honolulu
Bigger
♂ Member
Member # 8354
Default  Posted: 7:59 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good to hear you are nearing a resolution to the divorce.
Did your WW withdraw the offer at a similar time as the OM was served? Just wondering if there is a connection there

Coda Back when the Titanic sank I can imagine some cold, wretched person sitting in a crammed lifeboat feeling miserable about being in that situation. I am also certain that same person realized that considering the situation and the options available then that cold, miserable lifeboat was his ticket to the future. Hang on it does get better.


"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

Posts: 5567 | Registered: Sep 2005
coda87
♂ Member
Member # 40669
Default  Posted: 10:01 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No the AP was served just last week. My WW submitted and withdrew her offer about 2-3 weeks ago.
My gut feeling is my WW is not sure what to do. Also she is better off financially being separated than when we divorce. I still pay for most of our expenses. I watch the kids 5-6 nights per week. She has alot of free time to see AP and do what she wants. So the status quo is more comfortable for her. Or maybe like me, the reality of getting D is too much to face and she just needs time to get used to it.

Anyway I sent an email to my lawyer saying how disappointed I am this is taking so long.


Married 12yrs, known 14
DDay 8/21/13
BH 44
WW/STBXW 41
3 kids 12,10,8

Posts: 127 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Honolulu
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 10:27 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Coda, good to see you!

I still pay for most of our expenses. I watch the kids 5-6 nights per week

Please PLEASE tell me you're documenting this!


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 3173 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
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