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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: 3 weeks after Dday
coda87
♂ Member
Member # 40669
Default  Posted: 11:35 PM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Finally got a court date to hear my motion to set. This is basically a hearing to see if court agrees that we are not able settle privately and that we need to go to trial. The family court is so backed up, the court date is not until Sept 4. Ugh...

WW is being is still being mean about everything. Trying to pick fights with me even now. Its hard to let someone keep taking little jabs at you and not hit back.


Married 12yrs, known 14
DDay 8/21/13
BH 44
WW/STBXW 41
3 kids 12,10,8

Posts: 127 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Honolulu
Ohmyword
♂ New Member
Member # 43684
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, June 12th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Read your entire thread, sir. Horrible why to spend the last months. For that I'm sorry. But..
Its hard to let someone keep taking little jabs at you and not hit back.

...don't give her the satisfaction.

Also, there is life after this crap storm. Keep the faith!


Posts: 18 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: United States
happyman64
♂ Member
Member # 33212
Default  Posted: 7:52 AM, June 15th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Coda

I just wanted to wish you a Happy fathers Day.

Today is about you and your kids.

I hope you can forget about the Ex for a little while today.

HM


Posts: 970 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New York
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, June 15th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All you can do is press on and end this destroyed marriage ASAP. She is behaving nastily because she is nasty and mean because thats a consequence of her personalty. She is now starting to realize that she is no longer the spouse with the mandate on whether to end the marriage or not. No longer in control and calling the shots.

Don't need to wonder why she is being unpleasant and vicious; she's not getting her own way and is finding out that after all her 'sacrifice' OM isn't the answer to her prayers.


Posts: 1823 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
blindsided14
♂ Member
Member # 43266
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, June 15th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy Father's Day Coda. Stay strong for you and the kids. This too shall pass.


I guess it's game on . . .

Posts: 58 | Registered: Apr 2014
coda87
♂ Member
Member # 40669
Default  Posted: 4:41 AM, June 16th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone. I went to dinner with my kids and my mom.

I'm slowly figuring out the best way for me to feel better is to ignore my WW. If we didnt have kids that would be easier.

Just have to play it cool til 9/4 when we go to court to see if the judge agrees we have to settle this by going to trial. But I have a feeling we will be forced to go to professional mediation first.


Married 12yrs, known 14
DDay 8/21/13
BH 44
WW/STBXW 41
3 kids 12,10,8

Posts: 127 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Honolulu
coda87
♂ Member
Member # 40669
Default  Posted: 3:19 AM, June 26th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay, several people here and IRL predicted this might happen. After all these months of delaying the D process by refusing to negotiate, and my recent move to finally go to court, my WW initiated a conversation with me yesterday. To make a long story short, it sounds to me like she is having second thoughts about D and she is uncertain that is what she really wants/the best thing for her. She asked me what I wanted. At first I thought she meant, what I wanted out of the D setttlement, but then I realized she meant, do I really want to D. I told her that all of her actions up to this point, and for my own well being, I have no choice but to D. Then she starts talking about why we cant reconcile. First, I told too many people. Second, I told the OMW, so now my WW and the AP can't go back to their families because OMW will know that is what happened (and OMW filed for D recently too). I only said I dont understand and who cares what other people think, if we were to R. Then she says she wanted to tell me back in May, that she was having second thoughts. But,because I was being mean, she never got the chance, or that I spoiled it by being fighting agian. I didnt want to say too much about what I was feeling. But I did ask her questions, like does she thing D is the best thing for her. She said she still doesnt know. So I do not know what to think now and I am confused.

The good thing is that she said she will basically agree to my D settlement offer so that I can keep the house (so me and the kids do not have to move). Our attorney's were working on setting up a 4way mtg soon to try and negotiate again. I told her and she agreed that we should go forward with the meeting.

So what guys/gals? Is this another delay tactic from my WW? Is she trying to work up some sense of hope for me so I delay the D. I gave up trying to R several months ago and put the process in high gear. Why is she telling me this now? Do I continue the same course as I have the last few months. Do I try to talk to her some more? Should I even consider anything she says at this point?
Am I just an idiot fool? My head is telling me to keep going with D process. If she wants to try and R, then she should ask me, and I will be the one who decides this time. I dont think I want to but I feel sorry for her. And why to do I feel guilty?

Ugh.

[This message edited by coda87 at 3:25 AM, June 26th (Thursday)]


Married 12yrs, known 14
DDay 8/21/13
BH 44
WW/STBXW 41
3 kids 12,10,8

Posts: 127 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Honolulu
Dyokemm
♂ Member
Member # 40254
Default  Posted: 4:31 AM, June 26th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Coda,

I think your WW is upset to see that you are pushing for this D to be completed ASAP.

Whether its because she still loves you or is losing her Plan B is impossible to tell...probably a combination of both.

Regardless, she is realizing that she is on the verge of losing you forever.

However, she is still too prideful to stop blameshifting, show remorse, and beg for a chance at R.

I think she may truly want it...I suspect fantasyland with POSOM hasn't turned out to be the fairy tale she thought it would be.

But right now I don't see her pride allowing her to beg you for another chance.

Be strong and stay the course...after all she has done, if your WW cannot even humble herself enough to beg you for forgiveness and a shot at R, then you would be wasting your time to try to work on the M with her.


Posts: 58 | Registered: Aug 2013
jb3199
♂ Member
Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 5:38 AM, June 26th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Be strong and stay the course...after all she has done, if your WW cannot even humble herself enough to beg you for forgiveness and a shot at R, then you would be wasting your time to try to work on the M with her.

That says it all right there.

Coda, besides taking a hostile approach to you, what difference has there been in all this time? She is still blaming you as to why she can't reconcile? YOU told other people, YOU told the OM's wife, YOU exposed her dirty secret. And for those reasons...which you are 100% to blame in her mind...YOU have killed your marriage.

I don't see one effing difference out of her from where I am sitting.

Keep following through with the D. She has given you NOTHING to work with. For crying out loud, she is STILL WITH THE OM. How do you reconcile with that?


BH-47
WW-44
2 boys-17 & 20(special needs)
Married 21yrs.(together 27yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D


Posts: 2115 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
Schadenfreude
♂ Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 7:30 AM, June 26th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She cannot accept that she was the one who screwed up. Lack of R is YOUR fault? No. The lack of R is due to the fact that she cannot see herself, really see herself,,as the one who chose to destroy the M, destroy your ability to trust her, etc. without such a realization, and remorse for such, you could wait forever for R. I guess you made rug sweeping impossible. Which was a good idea.

You decided on a course of action. Good for you. You have stuck with that course of action. Good for you. That course of action doesn't meet her desires. Too bad.

Tell her since OM wil soon be free as a bird, she is free to take her complaints to him. Both of them will have lots of free time.


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 8:58 AM, June 26th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your WW is still up there on the pedestal, wanting you to ask her for reconciliation since she is still too proud to request for it herself. However she is not going to beg for reconciliation; she is going to ask for a convenient resumption of the marriage, until at some time in the future she can find another guy to initiate another affair with. Maybe when the kids are older and she is in a more financially secure position.

There is no remorse or even regret; its just that divorce right now would be very stressful. There would be an upheaval in the children's lives, money problems and a lack of companionship and status. She obviously realizes the OM can't be relied on, whereas she may not respect you, but you are very safe and reliable.

Myself I would not contemplate her insulting insinuation that you should suggest a reconciliation, which she would consider in spite of your 'meanness" and outing her affair to the other BS. Perhaps she also expects an apology from you first? This lady is completely unbalanced.

If you insist on considering reconciliation, then at least wait until after the divorce. Then it would be a fresh start. I am pretty sure your wife wouldn't do this since she has no love or respect for you; she just wants the convenience of marriage for as long as it suits her. You have a chance to end your misery in the next few months; if you get sucked back into this dysfunctional relationship you are in for more pain. Guaranteed.


Posts: 1823 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
BeingNaive
♀ Member
Member # 30652
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, June 26th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But I did ask her questions, like does she thing D is the best thing for her. She said she still doesnt know.

What that says to me is that she wants things to stay as they are. A divorce means her lifestyle would change due to no longer having you to support her at all. If nothing would change with a divorce, she'd be pushing it through so quickly you'd be surprised.

I'm sorry to say that, but she has not changed one bit. She hasn't taken any action to find out what allowed her to have an A, to make amends to you, or to fight for your marriage. She went along with seeing the AP, blaming you for everything, and leaving you to take care of kids/dogs/bills.

I don't see what could be gained by you if you do not continue with the divorce.


Posts: 174 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Michigan
SpecialK
♀ Member
Member # 42372
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, June 26th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Whatever good feelings she still had for me were extinguished by me reacting in a way that reinforced her need to justify to herself that I was not a good husband (so it was okay for her to have the affair). I know her actions and justifications are wrong. But it all comes down to perspective. I could have guided her back to me. Instead I pushed her away.

Coda, do you truly believe what you posted? You are still taking the blame for her decisions. I know you have a lot on your plate right now, but before you even think about getting into a new relationship, please get counseling to figure out why you feel like this. Why you are attracted to emotionally abusive women. You may not have been the perfect husband, but you are not to blame one iota for her decision to cheat. period!
Look at it this way if you can. You are married to a woman who is a liar, cheater, narcissist, to name a few. And then you have PAGES AND PAGES of people basically telling you she is blowing smoke up your ass, so who are you going to believe? Someone who has shown you what type of person she is, but you still keep making excuses for and or taking the blame for her actions, or hundreds of people who are looking out for YOUR best interests?


Posts: 364 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Florida
Commanche1
♂ Member
Member # 39692
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, June 26th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Coda, She hasn't hit bottom, she may have the beginning's of regret but not remorse. Would you be willing to reconcile? If so then tell her what your bottom line is, but I'll wager she isn't in for begging and pleading and you're setting yourself up for more heartache.

Posts: 78 | Registered: Jun 2013
Commanche1
♂ Member
Member # 39692
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, June 26th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Coda, She hasn't hit bottom, she may have the beginning's of regret but not remorse. Would you be willing to reconcile? If so then tell her what your bottom line is, but I'll wager she isn't in for begging and pleading and you're setting yourself up for more heartache.

Posts: 78 | Registered: Jun 2013
coda87
♂ Member
Member # 40669
Default  Posted: 4:27 PM, June 26th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know I am not to blame for the affair. But looking back, I realize I could have handled my reactions better after Dday. I was very angry and I showed it. My WW said sometimes I was so angry she was afraid of me. I said very mean things.

Our unhappy marriage, both of our faults.
The affair - 100% her fault.
I know this.

I will not slow down the D process. If she wants to R, then she will have to ask for it. Then I will decide and set the terms.


Married 12yrs, known 14
DDay 8/21/13
BH 44
WW/STBXW 41
3 kids 12,10,8

Posts: 127 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Honolulu
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 6:34 AM, June 27th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sounds to me that if your wife does ask for reconciliation [with no apparent remorse] you will agree. You might consider allowing the divorce to go through then reconcile.

Its a test; if your wife does value the marriage she will agree on making a completely fresh start after the divorce. If however she refuses to rebuild under your imposed conditions then you have your answer - she's looking for a marriage of 'convenience'. A security blanket after her affair has disintegrated; continued respectability of marriage; financial security and protection. Lets face it, she doesn't even like you yet she is willing to reconcile?

You need to protect yourself with some guarantee that R will work. At least if you divorce you can easily walk way if it doesn't work out without wasting even more time.


Posts: 1823 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
coda87
♂ Member
Member # 40669
Default  Posted: 7:49 PM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We met this morning, me and my attorney, my wife and her attorney. It took about 3 hours, but we negotiated and settled the divorce agreement. I will keep the house and buyout her share. We have joint custody of our kids. My laywer wanted us to sign the agreement at the mtg, so he hand wrote the changes, and all of us signed. We will need to sign a clean copy to submit to the court for approval. Once that is done, the D should be finalized in about 4-6 wks (the time it takes for the court to approve the D decree).

I'm relieved the legal battle is pretty much done. But I am honestly disappointed and very sad that things turned out this way. Last night me and my WW talked mostly to prepare for the mtg today. But I asked her if this is what she really wanted. I asked her if the AP was worth giving up her family/marriage. Her answer is she still doesnt know. So I said I can't wait any longer, we will just need to go through with the D. I reminded her one more time, this was not what I wanted, I tried my best to save our marriage, but because she is continuing the A, I have no choice.
To this day, she still won't accept responsibility. She has all these excuses about why we cant reconcile because I did this or that after the A. I am most disappointed because I realize she hasn't learned anything. And there is no chance of reconciliation when she is thinking this way.

I said ok, gave her an hug, said goodbye and we both cried for a while. Really sad. It's finally over. Time to heal now.

[This message edited by coda87 at 7:51 PM, July 9th (Wednesday)]


Married 12yrs, known 14
DDay 8/21/13
BH 44
WW/STBXW 41
3 kids 12,10,8

Posts: 127 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Honolulu
swizzlestick03
♀ Member
Member # 30102
Default  Posted: 7:57 PM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Coda,

I am so very sorry you are hurting right now. Some day you will see exactly what she lost. Your reactions and angry words post d-day did NOT cause any of this, and nothing you could or couldn't have done would have changed the outcome.

Be gentle with yourself. You have continued to be a stand up person who acts with dignity and grace in a very tough situation.

Take care.

Swizz


Me: BW-33
Him: WS-32
D-Day #1: 16 August 2010
D-Day #2: 16 January 2011
One smallish kiddo.

Posts: 571 | Registered: Nov 2010
Bigger
♂ Member
Member # 8354
Default  Posted: 8:12 AM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Know what Coda?
Im glad you are suffering. It shows you care and that you have emotions. And it gives you a point to work from. Now its only left to set your sight on a destination.
Its like setting a broken bone will cause pain, but its also the point where the recovery starts.

She has told you already: She cant decide if she wants the marriage or the affair. Shes had time to decide but still no decision. That in itself IS a decision.
Remember the train-journey comparison? Well your train is pulling out and starting to pick up speed. You can still see her and shes standing there on the platform waving with the ticket you got her. Legs still firmly planted on the platform despite having had options to board the train.

Im going to make some suggestions:
Once the papers are signed then make changes. Remove her from the house. Repaint the foyer as a visible sign for her that changes have been made. Change locks. Make her knock before entering. Make it even clearer than ever that HER choices are moving you away.


"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

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