For me, it comes down to 13 years of wasted time with a man whose cold selfishness has shaken to the core my belief in human decency. He was supposed to be my friend and trusted companion but it turns out he had EA/PA with the same woman for 6 years, and who knows how many ONS. We were engaged, no children. He moved to another continent for work and I was about to uproot myself to join him there, and invest all my savings to build my future with a man who despises me. The OW is not prepared to leave her partner for him so I must have been his back-up plan, the fiancee he needed to look 'normal'. I now know he cares zilch about me, never did. There are many things in his behaviour that shock me and one of them is the extent to which he was casually prepared to condemn me to a loveless, cold future for the sake of his shallow self-interest. I doubt he thought it through or whether he is able to see beyond the backyard window of his tiny soul. When I was finally able to put the jigsaw together, it felt like coming face-to-face with evil. I briefly told him my piece by phone and walked out on him. Cold turkey. He denies everything and still pretends to love me (why??) but I know the last thing he wants is to spend the rest of his life with me. There were problems in our relationship, we were not a perfect match, but that is beside the point. What kind of darkness festers in the heart of these people? Who do they think they are to treat others like disposable rubbish? I think my view of humanity has been changed forever. I will never presume on people's goodness ever again.
Thanks for listening and sharing your stories, it really helps.
Damn, it's a better life on the other side. You'll see.
To give one answer to the thread's title, I would say who they think they are is of no consequence to the reality you construct for your new life from here on out.
You know, be the hero of your own story...
I don't think you're going to have too much of a problem with that.
Who do they think they are to treat others like disposable rubbish? I think my view of humanity has been changed forever. I will never presume on people's goodness ever again.
Every one of us has the ability to be tempted. Those who fall for the temptation are weak in their fortitude and as well as incredibly selfish. They value the cheap, delusional rush of forsaking their values and dropping their boundaries over the character one builds in maintaining the strength to hold fast to their values and stay within the boundaries that keep them and their families safe.
My view of humanity has changed as well. I am still stunned that people who are instilled with the greatest trust and responsibility can be so despicably deceitful and destructive to the lives of their children and the one they vowed to protect. At the same time, I am also far more appreciative of those who uphold their vows and protect their families from this ugliness.
The majority of the people I know are honest, work hard for their marriages, and uphold their vows. They would never betray their families. It's just the broken, delusional, selfish, and traitorous woman that I divorced that I would never presume to trust again.
Then there are people like your WBF. Who seem to not care about anything or anyone except themselves. And to make their lives as comfortable as possible, they will use anyone, man, woman, or child, say anything, fake whatever they need to, to make their lives better. And who have utter indifference or contempt for anyone else.
It may not feel like it right now, but you are SO lucky that you found this out before you essentially terminated the life that you lead, to be his backup plan far away from friends, your country, and all that is familiar to you. Yeah, it hurts like hell now and it will hurt for some time to come, but you had the good sense to step off of the path to hell, turn around, and start walking upwards.
Please. Don't minimize your hurt or your situation. Pain is pain. And each person's pain is devastating to themselves. (((hugs)))
D-Day, June 10, 2012
You are describing a cold, calculating Narcissist. Not "every one of us", has it in us to be like that.
It is so shattering, when you've been, "kicked off the boat dock of complacency", so to speak, and life will never smell as sweet. but knowledge is power... Which answers your question:
He denies everything and still pretends to love me (why??)
It's nicer for him to think of you hurting, and confused.
(Rather than strong and dismissive of him).
"the best revenge is a smile, a wave, and firm goodbye."
[This message edited by Safeguard at 7:00 PM, September 14th (Saturday)]
This is such an interesting topic... Why do the WS want to hide continue the relationship with their spouse, when they have found something so much better?? Why get married in the first place? No one is a prisoner here. Just kindly leave the person you don't want to be with FIRST. If you cannot do that (wayward spouses) then don't screw around! Easy choice!
I understand the whole narcissism thing, but my god is it an epidemic??
The thought that he is a closeted narcissist, as well as histrionic, had occurred to me too. The fact that there are so many people like him going round that definitions have been coined helps to some extent inasmuch as bringing a degree of clarity by shedding light on common patterns of behaviour. And I fully agree that the way forward is to focus on my life and create it the way I want it to be. Unsurprisingly perhaps, I come from a dysfunctional family so have ran away from the pain of loneliness all my life. Maybe my XBF did me a service because for the past few months I have been able to embrace and accept my feelings of vulnerability and loneliness more than ever before. I used to derive my greatest joy from connecting with others and I do not deny the existence of good people however, I think for the time being I will divert my efforts and enjoy my own company. How do you separate the wheat from the chaff that is out there?
I doubt he thought it through or whether he is able to see beyond the backyard window of his tiny soul
I can't decide who is the more shallow and dark spirited man - my ex husband or my ex boyfriend. These experiences have certainly left me with a jaded view of the world. I also think cheating is epidemic and has been made much more so by this digital world we live in. Craig's list, Ashley Madison, POF, etc etc... how easy it is to hide behind a computer and portray yourself as someone you are not. Not to mention how much easier it is to find like minded other cheaters.
My only shred of hope at this point is reading the posts on here and knowing that non-cheaters do exist. I think many of us BS think the same way. Even though I had opportunity I never broke my vows. My marriage was a crumbling mess and I stood by my ex husband while he battled depression, drug addiction, alcoholism and FOO issues. The thanks I got was his infidelity. Now I am free but still very much a broken soul. I don't know if I can ever remove the barbed wire from around my heart. Last night I was hurting emotionally and sat here all alone weeping as I pictured in my mind the life I used to have. I realize it was a broken and shattered illusion but it still hurts 1 1/2 years out.
So sorry for your hurts. I don't know if we will ever get answers to our questions and the whys of it all. All we can do is keep moving forward in our forever changed lives.
"And this above all else, to thine own self be true"
"I can't help it I am a narcissist!'
But that was hysterical! The last thing in the world any one with NPD would ever say!
They can not view themselves as flawed. They need to blame others. (although they can pretend to have flaws, if that is useful).
@Fight~ I too, spent a lot time alone,processing everything... I had to look at all my relationships. Hard. I see the childhood pain connection... In that disordered people can spot me,:"Like A Lion Spots A Limp!"
How do you separate the wheat from the chaff that is out there?
The "wheat" is a different color. More solid, and substantial, and has a historical background that supports evidence of a good nature.
I just stay quiet, and observant. I am finding that most people will tell you "who they are", even in very subtle ways. "When in doubt, just step out"...
[This message edited by Safeguard at 4:17 PM, September 16th (Monday)]
fight, being stupefied and numb is part of healing...it's "ok"
(I feel like hugging everyone who has posted their wisdom and pain here)
(I feel like hugging everyone who has posted their wisdom and pain here)
I felt thoroughly hugged when I read that. :)
Fight4: Thanks for joining us here. I find that even when I, "don't really have anything to add", just knowing that we're all here, learning, grieving, growing, and sharing support at our own pace,is awesome! There's no other "place" where I feel so understood , held accountable, yet comforted. Even when all I can do is read here.