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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Don't take the bait. Don't take the bait.
dbellanon
♂ Member
Member # 39236
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, September 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So WW and I are wrapping up the second week of our new parenting schedule for the fall. As it works right now, I pick DD up on Sunday afternoon and have her until I drop her off at school on Thursday. Thursday is technically the beginning of WW's parenting time, but since DD is in school most of the day, she doesn't see her until she picks her up from school in the afternoon. In this manner, we each have 3.5 days.

Some of you might remember that WW insisted on moving 35 minutes south from us, closer to the city, a move from which I tried in vain to discourage her. Well, sure enough, it's turning out to be harder to make the trip up and down from DD's school than she thought, and she sent me an e-mail last night, suggesting that we change our transportation arrangements. The problem, she said, was that by the time they got home on Thursday afternoons, cooked dinner, etc., the day was almost over, and they didn't have any time to spend together. She proposed that every other week, I would pick DD up from school on Thursday and drive her down to her mother, and then on the next Sunday, she would drive her up to me (the opposite of what we were doing before).

On first glance, it seemed equitable, so I said that I would give it some thought. But then it occurred to me that if I did the transportation on Thursday afternoons, I would be extending my parenting time for almost a whole day (and not in a beneficial way either. Most of that day, DD would be at school, then I would spend 45 minutes driving her down, and then probably another 1.5-2 hours battling rush hour traffic to get back home). I told WW that since Thursday was her parenting day, I couldn't be doing transportation in the afternoon. This was her response:

"Okay... I suppose I was asking for your help and trying to make it work for both of us. I'm in a really tight spot in almost everything right now, and you are relatively free at the moment. So I thought you might be willing to help me think of ways of making it work. Apparently I was wrong."

She really had been doing well up until this point. She really seemed to be making an effort to be nice and courteous these past few weeks, but the passive-agressive bitchiness apparently still lies just beneath the surface. Sorry that you're having so much trouble dealing with the consequences of the ridiculous decisions you have made, honey.

I have a feeling it's going to be like this any time I try to stick to the agreement when she wants a special favor.

I'm not going to respond to this e-mail. I'm not going to take the bait. But I just had to get this out. Thanks for listening.


ME: BH, 28
Her: WW, 27
DD: 4
Married 6 Years.
DDay: Early May, 2013
Divorced

Posts: 227 | Registered: May 2013
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, September 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I get this all the time too, Del (if you've been following my thread)and I suspect it will continue into perpetuity: every weekend in fact when it's her turn with the kids, it's some change in her schedule that she demands I accommodate.

The first two times I took the bait, but then I did not. It is very difficult to bite your tongue, but if we don't it just feeds into their craziness. Silence at least spares us (to some extent) additional confrontation and stress.

Be strong...


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1627 | Registered: Dec 2012
k8la
♀ Member
Member # 38408
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, September 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't try to make her be an equal parent at this time. Relish the opportunity to have more time with your daughter. Document. And enjoy your daughter. She's only going to be young for such a short time.

Posts: 163 | Registered: Feb 2013
dbellanon
♂ Member
Member # 39236
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, September 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Only problem is that it's hardly any more time with my daughter. It's a car ride, and I have to keep my entire afternoon open for it.


ME: BH, 28
Her: WW, 27
DD: 4
Married 6 Years.
DDay: Early May, 2013
Divorced

Posts: 227 | Registered: May 2013
cayc
♀ Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, September 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you pay CS based upon this arrangement? Then maybe say, ok I'll agree to make Thursday be one of my parenting days, bringing my total to 4.5 and yours to 2.5 and then we'll adjust CS accordingly.


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3124 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
dbellanon
♂ Member
Member # 39236
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, September 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No. No CS. And our schedule is going to have to change every 6 months or so anyway. Honestly, I was just expressing my frustration at her response.


ME: BH, 28
Her: WW, 27
DD: 4
Married 6 Years.
DDay: Early May, 2013
Divorced

Posts: 227 | Registered: May 2013
PurpleRose
♀ Member
Member # 33129
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, September 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are right- dont take the bait. I see that you are just venting... There really isn't a way to "win" here.

If you agree and do her this favor it really does not benefit you in any way. It teaches her that she can rewrite the agreement whenever it doesn't seem to be working in her favor.

If you say no (as you did) because it doesn't add anything in your favor then you are the unreasonable one, the jerk who won't "help her out" when she thinks you should.

The flaw in her thinking is believing you owe her a damn thing. You don't even owe her the consideration of mulling over a request that clearly is all about her.

I don't negotiate anything with the Dooosh anymore. He is one of the most immature men on the planet. He does not do anything he said he was going to do when this mess of a D began, so why would I ever want to accommodate his needs in any way?


divorced the Dooosh
*****************************
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.
~dodinsky

Posts: 3612 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
PhantomLimb
♀ Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, September 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honestly, I'm happy to see she's facing a consequence. She didn't make anything easy for you. Every point of frustration she hits on here is a result of a decision she made (from the A to the move, etc etc).

And you need those afternoons open for job interviews. She's not thinking about you or anticipating your needs. Again.

[This message edited by PhantomLimb at 2:17 PM, September 14th (Saturday)]


BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
ruinedandbroken
♀ Member
Member # 29250
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, September 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No. I wouldn't take the bait either. Although I'd be tempted to say this:

So I thought you might be willing to help me think of ways of making it work. Apparently I was wrong."

Yup. Apparently you were.


“People who cheat feel that life is for the taking, and that everyone deserves happiness no matter what the cost. I must remember these tricks if I ever have my soul surgically removed."
Me: BS 42. Him: WH 41 2 Kids 6&9
Married 14 yrs Together 21

Posts: 1575 | Registered: Aug 2010
dbellanon
♂ Member
Member # 39236
Default  Posted: 3:36 PM, September 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To tell the truth, I'm can't even say that I am glad to see her experiencing consequences. It's not going to make her change her mind on anything, and I just end up getting blamed for it anyway. Seeing her experiencing consequences just makes me more frustrated that she didn't listen to reason in the first place.


ME: BH, 28
Her: WW, 27
DD: 4
Married 6 Years.
DDay: Early May, 2013
Divorced

Posts: 227 | Registered: May 2013
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, September 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Okay... I suppose I was asking for your help and trying to make it work for both of us. I'm in a really tight spot in almost everything right now, and you are relatively free at the moment. So I thought you might be willing to help me think of ways of making it work. Apparently I was wrong."

You already gave her input. You already made your position clear on how to make this work. Your input was that she shouldn't move so far away and in the wrong direction for traffic. That was how you thought this would work best.

You are not under any obligation to change your mind because that's what suits her. She made her choice. She has to make it work. Sounds to me like she should lose her Thursday night visitation.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9827 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, September 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Terrible dbellanon. Imagine not putting yourself COMPLETELY out to make 'this' work for her. How dare you leave her to sort out her own problems?

That's your job, dammit!! Oh, wait.....

Sorry that you're having so much trouble dealing with the consequences of the ridiculous decisions you have made, honey.

She is delusional and/or dense. WHO THE FUCK WOULD AGREE TO THIS? I wonder how she figures doing this makes it 'work' for you?

Do NOT take the bait. Let her choke on crickets.

Do try to see the funny side of it. They think their old moves still work on us. Its kind of funny/sad to see them still in action. Kind of like mullets.

I don't make any decisions to 'help' the sad clown nor do I make decisions to stick it to him. I do none of this willingly. I am forced to parallel parent with this lower muppet.

I am flexible where I can be and plan on him NOT being flexible. When he is then its a pleasant surprise.

What he does or how he reacts or even how flexible he is doesn't change anything for me. I have an incredible support network. If I have a problem I don't expect him to fix it. I wouldn't want him to.

If you don't engage she will eventually run out of steam and stop trying these 'so last season' moves on you. Well - that's my plan anyway.

He still hasn't stopped trying to goad me - what has changed is I'm no longer enraged by it. Its becoming a part of 'normal' interaction - it is just how he rolls. Crickets means it doesn't escalate and it just sort of poofs out.

[This message edited by StrongButBroken at 4:26 PM, September 14th (Saturday)]


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5609 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
kernel
♀ Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 7:29 PM, September 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Dbellanon)) You did absolutely the right thing. Crickets is best. Screw her and her P-A crap. It is not your job to help her - you got fired. Poor little bitchy-poo.


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good."

Posts: 5260 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
badd
♀ Member
Member # 23468
Default  Posted: 6:31 AM, September 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I might also point out that a ride home from school with a tired child on a thursday (late in the week) and then back home in traffic is NOT equivalent to driving the same child home to see Daddy on Sunday (which is a good bonding transition how was your time away from me time for you and her you'd be losing). Also, any Thursday night after school issues would now be all yours. This is not an equitable exchange of equivalent rides, its a change in parenting time. If thats what she needs, she can discuss it with the lawyer and readdress child support and don't necessarily give up that sunday ride unless you think its better for you even if you change the schedule, it also ties you to your home for sunday till she decides to show up with her. It shortens your already short weekend time with your child (is that going to change? doesn't seem right to me, but I have not read your back story). Well done so far, DON't TAKE THE BAIT!!!

Posts: 130 | Registered: Apr 2009
SeanFLA
♂ Member
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 9:01 AM, September 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have similar issues in that exWW still thinks I'm her built in baby sitter when she has to run around the East Coast for her job. I'm caught between a rock and a hard place. If I don't take my son she will ask her parents. And there's no way in hell I will give them that extra time with him for the way they treated me. But what do you do?...it's all about him. I have first right of refusal with him because of her traveling.

Last week she informed me next weekend she had a training class abut an hour and a half away. Well I have commited to go to a wedding with the gf. One of her best friends is getting married and well I'm not backing out on her. I told WW I was unavailable...sorry. I never want my son feeling like we pass him around but I felt it was important to stand my ground. I'm not her babysitter. Besides she pulled this crap on me when she had to fly to Atlanta last minute on "emergency business" the night of our son's Xmas pageant so she could fuck her AP. These are her consequences so go make some arrangements. He will stay at his grandparents. Keep it as business like with her as possible. It's not your job anymore to accommodate her because of HER choices.


BS(me) 48
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley


Posts: 1470 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
damncutekitty
♀ Member
Member # 5929
Default  Posted: 6:40 PM, September 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She chooses to move farther away and them expects YOU to do all the sitting in traffic for her? Fuck that.


Keep calm and carry on.

Posts: 49482 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: Minneapolis
stronger08
♂ Member
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 7:58 PM, September 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do not allow this for one minute. The inconvenience she is experiencing is a direct result of another of her dumb assed decisions. When people make dumb assed decisions there are consequences that follow. And now that you have been fired from the job as husband its no longer your problem. Its hers, and only hers to deal with. Oh the joy of reality sets in for another WS.


You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5730 | Registered: Nov 2007
hurtbs
♀ Member
Member # 10866
Default  Posted: 9:08 PM, September 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You totally did the right thing. You are not married anymore. Your job is not to accomodate her or make things easier on her. This was the arrangement she wanted. Now she wants you to go out of your way to make it better for her. And how dare she presume that you are 'more free' than she is? I'm assuming you don't clear your schedule with her anymore either.

Good job sticking to the plan and your boundaries, and not taking the bate that she is throwing by attempting to twist the knife! The line about 'making it better for both of us," BULL SHIT - making it better for her!


Me BW Him XSAWH
DDays 2006, and then numerous more
Divorced 2012

"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate." - Asimov
"Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you." - Ovid


Posts: 15325 | Registered: Jun 2006
dbellanon
♂ Member
Member # 39236
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, September 16th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This morning, while we were waiting for our divorce hearing (Yes, while we were waiting for our divorce hearing!) she decides to bring it up again. This time she says, "Well I guess remember next time you need a favor..."

First. It's not a favor. It's a change of the agreement. Second. I genuinely don't think she sees how it isn't equitable or fair to me, which must mean she's just not good at math. Oy.


ME: BH, 28
Her: WW, 27
DD: 4
Married 6 Years.
DDay: Early May, 2013
Divorced

Posts: 227 | Registered: May 2013
badd
♀ Member
Member # 23468
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, September 16th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

^^ This is exactly right, and it is why, no matter what the accommodation you might make for her now, come time for you to ask a favor, she will NEVER feel she owes you a thing. Best to stick to the agreement its there for a reason, She won't be helping you whether you allow her to screw you now or not, so why let her?

Posts: 130 | Registered: Apr 2009
Topic Posts: 21
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