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User Topic: What do you grieve/mourn/miss?
♀ Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, September 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I miss almost everything everyone has said here. And I miss holding him a lot. After that many years, your body remembers. I miss counting his gray hairs.

And I miss the evidence of him around the house. There are no shaving hairs on my sink in the morning anymore. I hated them when we were together and it made me crazy. Now that they are gone, I'm so sad my sink is clean.

And I miss how innocent I was. I was always just happy and confident. If I saw an article in the paper about some ancient couple celebrating their anniversary in a nursing home or something, I would smile and think "that's us".

And it's not like I needed to be the center of his world or anything like that, but I miss feeling like I was special enough to make a commitment to and to build a life with. We used to be a team. We knew each other so well. We talked and texted all the time. We shared everything. But as soon as DDay happened, he closed the door to me. No more texts. No more calls. I didn't matter. He could say whatever the hell he wanted to me now and my feelings didn't matter. If he made me cry with his "honesty" about OW, he didn't seem to care and gave me the dead eyes. We were Skyping during one of the Dday convos and he was eating a sandwich and hardly even looking at me. I actually had to ask him to put the food down and pay attention.

To go from his wife to a nothing is so hard.

BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
♀ Member
Member # 39836
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, September 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your responses made me tear up. I am hoping that somehow this exercise will help. I'm not feeling it yet...

Entering R slowly and cautiously...

Posts: 492 | Registered: Jul 2013
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, September 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I miss thinking someone had my back, but honestly, it is better knowing that you don't, instead of falsely thinking you had something that really wasn't there.

time wounds all heels

Posts: 5397 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
♀ Member
Member # 40505
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, September 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ooooh what a heart wrenching topic.
Totally agree with 64fleet. We will never be duped again (hopefully).
I miss being duped. I miss the trust.
So sad.

Posts: 63 | Registered: Aug 2013
♀ Member
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, September 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Peace, safety, belief, and the husband I thought was sharing my life.

Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.

Posts: 1527 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
♀ Member
Member # 31722
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, September 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I grieve that after all the shit I have gone thru with him that one sentence he said to me a few months ago was the final arrow into my heart. I am on the path of done, and he will not be told until I am ready.

I mourn the realization that said H really was (is?) a very selfish prick!! That once a decade, as I look back, there has been a disrespect of me, a "it's all your fault S2S", and like a mealy-mouse POS I forgave each, and every, time.

I miss the fact that just when we are close to realizing our younger dreams I could care less! I have NO desire to engage in those dreams.

I grieve the fact that I no longer (after 42 yrs) love my H. And since he is the king of CA he will not ask, and I will not tell.

I mourn the fact that I now feel I have truly wasted my life, and you don't get a redo.

I miss the man I thought I was M'd to.

Me: BS
Him: WH

Posts: 1304 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From:
♀ Member
Member # 40184
Default  Posted: 7:29 PM, September 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am like 921Lisa....I miss being able to make those funny jokes and know they had no truth to them, they were JUST a joke.

I miss the total trust and blind faith, that I will NEVER give him or any other man again.

I miss knowing I was the only person he shared his heartache, pain and troubles with.

I miss the loss of my own beliefs in the sanctity of marriage.


1st D day: Saturday July 20,2013
2nd D day....when the s**t really hit the fan and the truth came out.Saturday August 3,2013
3rd D day: Friday August 16, 2013...NC sent Friday Aug 30 4th D day NOV 11
Me: BS
Him: WH
Married 25 years....finally in R

Posts: 373 | Registered: Aug 2013
♀ Member
Member # 39609
Default  Posted: 8:21 PM, September 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Things I miss:

* Feeling protected/loved/special/important to my husband.
* Not having to wonder if my marriage is going to laugh.
* The purity of our relationship (thought we were still onlies)
* Being able to look at pictures of our wedding or prom, etc. and smiling.
* Not constantly comparing myself to APs
* Being happy that my daughter would have such an amazing father.
* Not feeling like I am alone in this world.
* Not feeling disposable.

I mourn:
* The carefree college and high school dating and 'having fun' years that I (happily at the time) gave up to marry him.
* My fantasy of the perfect family (no step/half siblings. I feel like this makes my daughter less special. She has a brother out there...with one of the worst women I have ever met being the mother)
* The marriage I thought I had.
* The husband I thought I had (I thought I had me one of the good ones )
* The other children I dreamed of having with him. (I'm not bringing another child into the world while my marriage is in such a state and who knows if it will truly get better. I literally have to hold back tears when I see newborns)
* The joy and excitment we SHOULD have been choking up with over the pregnancy and birth of our first child.
* All of the energy I spent dealing with his fence sitting and bullshit when I should have been enjoying my pregnancy and newborn.
* The time that I put myself on hold for him. (coming home from deployment? I'll take a term off to help him readjust)

There's so much more. I'm sure all of us could write a book.

Together 6 yrs. M 4 yrs. DD born 3/1/2013.
Me: BS -- Him: 1 EA/PA (6mos), PA (MW), and 6 ONS...Been at it for almost 5 yrs. *Still slave to TT* 1st DDay- 11/24/2012,
.....OC due in August.....

Posts: 122 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: United States
♀ Member
Member # 36445
Default  Posted: 4:31 AM, September 16th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To be honest not much at all. I just wish I didn't have to deal with all the betrayal to find this out though.

"Loving someone should not mean losing you. Love empowers you. It shouldn't erase you. - Thelma Davis.

Posts: 1361 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
solus sto
♀ Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 8:09 AM, September 16th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't miss him at all.

I miss the ME who once was.

BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8848 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
♀ Member
Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 8:29 AM, September 16th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I miss the life I loved. I miss my best friend (or so I thought). I miss/mourn everything.

Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (49) 11 years, together 16
D-Day 6.8.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
♀ Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 5:36 PM, September 16th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This thread is heartbreaking. I'm so sorry for everyone's pain.

Posts: 390 | Registered: Aug 2011
♂ Member
Member # 23014
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, September 16th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I miss thinking I was special to one person no matter who esle viewed me as less

Posts: 474 | Registered: Feb 2009
♀ Member
Member # 40488
Frustrated  Posted: 7:24 PM, September 16th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow.. Yes to all of these..
The most is that he's not my Soulmate. I was never a romantic more of a realist. Didn't believe in the fairy tale or love at first sight.. A skeptic..
Until I met Him. I fell in love the moment he walked into the room. I had never felt like that before.. It was electric.. Unworldly. And we hit it off from opposite worlds but he completed me... I was in shock because I for the first time realized what true deep unconditional love was ... And he was my knight in shining armour.. He loved me, protected me and saved me..He was my saviour.. I would do anything for this man and he for me.. Now I think back at it all and realize just how stupid I was... The ultimate skeptic believing in all that shit.. Oh I miss it so.. How naive, innocent and how sweet.. And yes the jokes.. because I knew he would never cross the line..
God I am in tears. Fuck him.. Fuck him for ruining my life.. His life because he knows now that its gone forever!!!

Me-BS 50 Him-WH 47, DD17
Together since 1993, Married 19 yrs
DDay 3/12,4/12,7/12 EA-PA OW - 25 single husband chasing bastard whore

Posts: 515 | Registered: Aug 2013
♀ Member
Member # 40317
Default  Posted: 9:32 PM, September 16th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I miss thinking it was "us against the world". That no matter how bad things were around us, my WS would always be there for me as my safe place to fall.

I don't feel safe anymore.

Me: BS
Him: WS
Married: 17 years
2 children
2 DDays

Posts: 255 | Registered: Aug 2013
♀ Member
Member # 38150
Default  Posted: 12:50 AM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

* I mourn for our young children, that although we are attempting to R, they aren't being brought up in the happy, warm loving environment that I always dreamed and worked so hard for.

* I mourn for my extended family - those that know of the A are heart broken and want to help but don't know how. Those that don't know are aware that something is "off" and are confused by how disconnected we have become.

* I mourn for my WH, seeing him slowly realize the full extent of the damage that he has done is excruciating to watch, he is a broken man working so hard to fix something that may not be fixable.

* I mourn for myself. I am fighting so hard every day to "reclaim" myself, but the truth is, that I don't know that I will ever be back to the same happy, loving person that I was. I feel jaded, unhappy, uncertain and as though my marriage has been a sham.

* I miss looking deep into my husbands eyes, feeling nothing but pure love, admiration, trust and hope.

* I miss making love without mind movies or reminders of all of the things he did with her and said to me about how she was better than me in so many ways.

* I miss looking in a mirror and feeling like I was good enough and happy with myself.

* I miss boasting to friends and family how lucky I was to have the marriage of my dreams.

* I miss the tender touches, little romantic gestures and loving words that used to come from my husband pre-A. He does some of them now, but they often feel forced and I have to remind him.

* More than anything, I miss loving him so completely, devotedly, and faithfully - and feeling as though that was reciprocated by him, always.

Me (37): BW
Him (33): WH (1sorryGDF)
D-Day: 12/19/12
DD: 3yrs old
DS: Almost 2!!
2 yr EA/PA
Working hard towards R with IC's/MC
Slowly... but getting there

Posts: 60 | Registered: Jan 2013
♀ New Member
Member # 40216
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The thing I miss the most is security. Security in knowing he was there for ME, no matter what. Security in knowing he was the one person who could / should tell me the truth - no matter what. Security in knowing he would never gamble our financial future for selfish reasons like having an affair with someone who worked for him. Security in knowing I would have a partner to grow old with. He stole all of that from me.

Posts: 8 | Registered: Aug 2013
♂ Member
Member # 36506
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry if I shouldn't post. But all of your responses really hit me hard. I'm hoping my wife, Teach8 reads these and responds. I would like for her to share these feelings. And maybe it can be the start of a conversation. Strong topic and one every WS should read.

Posts: 290 | Registered: Aug 2012
♂ Member
Member # 37740
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


BH - 64
fWW - 60

"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife

Posts: 484 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Upstate NY
♀ Member
Member # 40219
Default  Posted: 1:07 PM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honestly I miss that we were each others "onlies" and that I didn't experience the sexual exploration with him.
I do mourn the loss of many aspects if our marriage. But honestly, all this mess has opened our eyes that we had some deep issues. We are now working on those.
I hope the new marriage we build will be even better and richer than what we had.

BS (34)
WS MisterP (37)
Together 14 1/2 years
D Day 03 Aug 13 EA & PA
D Day #2 01 Sep 13 continued EA & PA with OW
Slowly but surely finding my way.

Posts: 172 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Colorado Springs
Topic Posts: 59
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