"We're not broken, just bent. We can learn to love again."
As far as he goes, well he needs to step up and tell her that he does not want to see her again, with your present (phone, speaker phone..whatever). That proves to both of you that he has made his decision and he is committing to it.
I think the focus needs to be on you, your sanity, healthy ways to get thru each day..
A lot of healing needs to happen for you first, no need to decide whether to leave or commit to rebuilding the marriage...Not just yet..Give it six months to a year and reassess your feelings and whether your WH's words match his actions...
You are gonna need priority of attention and care in regards to the trauma that you faced...It is best to come to terms with the fact that this somebody so close and immediate in your family would lie and betray you in such a manner before you set out to care for this particular person's needs..
R isn't going to look all that appealing (in fact it won't work) if you are the one putting in the most work with most of the attention and sympathy focused on WH's needs.. Your anger will come when it comes and it is too bad but your WH is going to have to deal with it, because you don't need to be holding back for his protection..A challenge may be to find healthy ways to release and express your anger..
A WS needs to own the damage caused by his/her lying and cheating ...He /she needs to realize that the damage he caused may be irreparable...
[This message edited by doggiediva at 9:44 AM, September 19th (Thursday)]
Please please don't worry about whether or not you are insulting your H's manliness...You have enough on your plate right now..
What I said in my previous post, focus on yourself and your healing...If you have to worry about insulting your WH's fragile ego than it sounds like you or your WH (or both)is blaming you for his cheating..
It will suck and it is not fair for you to go thru a marriage and a lifetime with a partner who consciously or subconsciously implies to you that he will cheat if you say the wrong word or do the wrong thing..
[This message edited by doggiediva at 10:05 AM, September 19th (Thursday)]
Gently...why are you procrastinating getting your phone #'s changed?? If it is important that you keep your number, block her...now.
Firstly, it is not important what the crazy whore thinks. Push her and her creepy thoughts/actions out of your marriage. Start there.
Your WH and you should be turning to each other in all things...there is no room in your marriage for sympathy or any other feeling other than loathing for the that CCW (cray-cray whore).
Now is the time to gather your children close and turn inward to each other.
Let him help YOU, allow him to soothe YOU, Protect YOU.
He wants to be a KISA, let him be your KISA!
Doggiediva is right. You and your healing have to come first and when the shock of discovery wears off...well...all hell is going to break loose and you are going to get really MAD!
Anger is part of the grieving process. This is why everyone is saying don't rugsweep. YOU must be able to get through this crapfest and you will need his loving support.
Even through his mental illness, he may surprise you with HIS strength and love for you...Let him show you.
Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Your WH has to be the one to inspire and do the heavy lifting in regards to the healing of your relationship..The fact that you guys both still want to make love (to one another) is also a good sign..
For me, my WH was and still is un remorseful in the aftermath of D-day..He claims that I didn't give him enough of the quantity and quality of sex to keep him from straying...
So.., Do I want to try to keep him in the M by bending over backwards to give him all the perfect sex that he wants? Do I want that constant niggling thought in the back of my head that he is always grading my performance as a wife, always comparing me to others?
My marriage pre A was too difficult for me, and unbalanced in his favor to begin with.. My marriage isn't worth saving when all of the work is one sided like what he is expecting for R to take place..I would rather have a life of my own, time to myself, single :/
M, your compassionate nature comes through very clearly in your writings.
However, you can't remain in the same dynamic that has been in place....with you as rescuer/mom. It sounds as if your WH is remorseful and upset by his behavior and what it has led to....and he needs to follow that up with actions that supplement that. Actions that go beyond showing remorse to you. HE needs to get a handle on HIS disorder and learn to deal with it in an adult manner.
Do NOT have your WH do a face-to-face *break up* with the OW. IMO, she was a symptom of his disorder and she now needs to be a non-entity. He sent a NC and he seems to want nothing to do with her. Who gives a shit what she thinks about the NC communication or any of the rest of it? If she continues to contact either of you, then send her a *stop contacting me or I will seek legal measures against you* text and (if she still continues), then look into some type of restraining order.
STOP with your 180 behaviors. Right now. The 180 is generally only applicable in situations where the WS is not remorseful and is acting like an ass-jack. Currently, your WH doesn't *fit* that criteria.....
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.
I think it is okay and highly appropriate that your WH knows that you need time and space to "huddle inward" and focus on yourself and your injury until you can recover enough to get thru the days and nights and have equilibrium...
Analogous to the needs of a person who just suffered a stabbing or other severe life threatening blow .....
This person who is a victim of a stabbing is gonna reel back and ask himself what the hell just happened and then immediately collapse ..If the person doesn't instantly die, it is gonna take him or her some time to get his/ her bearings and strength to get up and figure out what is injured and get help..Many times it takes the assistance of other people to get the victim to the help her or she desperately needs to stop the bleeding..
It is a blessing when one has a remorseful WS..Even when a WS feels and behaves as if he or she has true remorse the A can be a deal breaker for the BS..
The WS needs to realize that his or her A behaviors have caused a massive amount of damage in the M, possibly irreparable.. You don't owe WS anything at this point.Marriage responsibilities, such as connecting via sex or date nights,ect(on the part of the BS) can and should be suspended until such a time that this injured spouse can think clearly and has the strength to function and take baby steps forward .
[This message edited by doggiediva at 4:18 AM, September 24th (Tuesday)]
End the 180. You are both trying to work toward reconciling. But do turn your attention inward and focus on you and your kids. IC for you both is a great idea. I wouldn't do MC right now. I feel strongly if you are able to communicate and work through the A stuff, wait for MC. Until you are both healthier, more healed. You really need the support that you can get from IC, and perhaps friends or family IRL.
Also, you will need to break the marital pattern of you protecting him and watching out for all of his needs. You realize this. You are very empathic, and realize that it is good for neither of you. That stuff is really hard to do though. Keep working new ways to communicate and to share your lives. (Including the work of the family)
Thinking of you. Feel free to pm me if you need support, particularly in those off usa hours.
[This message edited by OnAnIsland at 12:55 AM, September 23rd (Monday)]
Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school
You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou
So, you are seeing that there is a lot of potential, and I am proud of you guys for trying to work this out -- for seeing the good that is still there. I would encourage you to go to MC with this new perspective and get some tools so that you don't get locked down like this again. Plus, you are going to need the support. MC early has been key for us.
The OW sounds like a basket case - -avoid her at all costs!
Try to be patient and loving with yourself. Read the positive reconciliation stories, put your head down and keep working, and have faith that things will be better, no matter the outcome.
I edit, therefore I am.