Take slow shallow breaths.
Are you doing a little better now?
Riding shotgun down the avalanche.
Do any of you allow yourself to be happy, truly happy without telling yourself you shouldn't do you catch yourself smiling then realizing you are and tell yourself, that's bad? I laugh and then find myself wondering how dare I. IS it wrong to want to laugh?
Do you feel you need to be punished and suffer?
Does your husband?
the saddness that I have brought my family
the person who I am
the things I've done
Betraying them in front of their eyes
The knowledge that I may have broken him forever.
This knowledge this anger and dispair and disgust
self hate and worthliness
The pain that must be for him. the hurt
the saddness that comes over his face.
I dunno about you but feeling, seeing, and being the cause of all this sounds like a pretty big consequence if you ask me. It's crushing.
What would be a "better" consequence? Being chained in a dark basement full of spiders and vipers? Being beaten and starved within an inch of your life? Being publicly humiliated and shamed?
And would any of that actually take this crap away? Nope, not at all.
I get it. Really. I hated who I was. My husband despised what I had done. I felt that I deserved horrible punishment. But what exactly would that solve? Zilch. It wouldn't take his heartache away. It wouldn't take the betrayal away.
Joanh, please believe me when I say, time will heal the wounds. It doesn't seem like it now. It's overwhelming. It's horrific. But give it some time. Keep working on you. Make the changes. Be healthy. One day you'll look back and be proud of how far you've come. One day, your husband will too. Take it from a couple who knows.
I hear you about the anxiety. I've been seriously struggling with this over the past few months. I proud of you that you were able to get your thoughts together enough to reach out here. I tried several times but I just felt so crazy I couldn't post about it.
Seeing your post and then seeing that others understood and have BTDT has meant the world to me.
Thank you for letting us see "your brave".
I know punishing myself doesn't help nor does the shame or the guilt or the unworthiness help anything except keep me down, and it is very detrimental to recovery and reconciling cause logically I know if I can't love and be proud of myself , noone else can. Thanks for thinking I'm brave" I sure do not feel that way. More scared and just wanting to feel better. So for me that means asking for help, to show I am vulnerable and not closing my walls even though it really was safer in some ways. sick thinking I know , but I could escape. There is no way to escape right now.
I feel like I am addicted or that I am recovering addict. This is what I think it feels like. Every things a mess and no matter what it all comes back to my choices my sickness, that I am this far down and those around me have been harmed. I used my affairs to escape the stress, the pain, the resentment add in a little booze to that mix and there I went. I see it both times, there is a pattern. I have repeated this earlier in my life the booze part, but the validation from men. So much searching right now , so much horror in seeing oneself. Its enough to never want to wake up.
Thanks again ladies for being here today with me.
I hope today was a better day for you.
I see it both times, there is a pattern. I have repeated this earlier in my life the booze part, but the validation from men.
This is good. This is how you begin to untangle it. Seeing your patterns, figuring out how they got there, dismantling them and building something healthy in their places.
I can totally relate to your crying jag after the dishwasher incident. Earlier this year I fell off of a ladder and while I was hurt physically my emotional reaction to it was way bigger.
Hang in there sister.
What were you canning?
Canning I have been canning pickles beets carrots, making borscht. Sweet pickles, home made ketchup and then freezing everyhting in our garden. I enjoy cooking and baking and when I feel bad I do lots! I'm surprised I haven't gained weight. Its the opposite but that my doctor says is stress.
Anyways, made it through the day, we just got home now time to put the children to bed for school.
Anyway, you made it through a dip. When the next one comes remember now and know that there is support out here for you and support from your loved ones as well. You'll make it through that one too.
Strength to you from a fellow EvolvingSoul.