What do I tell him when he asks me to sit with him on the couch? What reason do I give for not wanting to make love?
Should I continue to make dinners? If not why should I tell him I have quit cooking?
This is so hard, and after he fell asleep last night, I went to my room and spun out like a crazy woman, talking to myself and the dog, cussing him & OW & all the people (there were ALOT) who enabled it and the lie to continue for 6 yrs.
He walked in and I think he heard & saw me (going crazy), but I acted like I was just getting ready for bed and he didn't mention it.
Those short, simple replies worked pretty good for me for just about every situation. Repeated as many times as needed. Sometimes coupled with leaving the room or house. Essentially, when I needed to detach, I look through him, if I had to look at him at all, and just carried on my life. Sorta treated him like a not-too-bright annoying roommate.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
Anyway, since it was 1:30 and I had promised myself I was not going to fight or argue that day, I was able to just go to bed (or should I say go to my room).
Yesterday was my 2nd day home and after Thursday night, I decided I was really going to commit to the 180. So yesterday, being my 1st day of 180 was really pretty easy, because I was angry first thing in the morning (before I truly committed) and he decided to take a clonapin and go to sleep. So it wasn't hard practicing the plan while he slept. He woke up for a few hours and then went back to sleep. Today, my oldest 25 yr old stepson has been here all day and then his friend also came over. I have waited all day to take a shower, but the kid is still here, so I guess, I'll just take all my stuff and get it done.
Anyway, while he was mowing, I checked his call log and texts that only went back until the 9th, since he deleted all before that. When I saw all the calls to his daughter for extended lengths of time and another one to my friend for 20 minutes (this was at least the 3rd call between them while I was gone - I didn't see the others because they were before the 9th) He told me they talked twice while I was gone. So not only was he discussing me & us with his daughter again, after I have asked him over & over not to discuss "us" with her while I"m not here (then called her today as soon as I left), he also lied AGAIN about how many times he spoke to my soon to be ex-best friend.
He cannot understand why I am still not over this after a year and "see's no forgiveness" in me. Well, I wonder why?!!!??? He still won't give me details and hasn't done anything we agreed on except not cheat and not see the OC, and he continues to lie to me, but claims he isn't.
So, anyway, after finding the stuff on his phone I was about to explode, so I left again. Wrote pages about it, breathed, calmed down & came back home.
Wish me luck and send prayers my way for tomorrow. This really seems to be the end of my marriage, but who knows, maybe God will work a miracle and my FWH will have a change of attitude & behavior. I am sick inside, but preparing myself in every way I know how, to face D if/when it happens.