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User Topic: WS doesn't believe in Divorce
SoOver96
♀ Member
Member # 40169
Default  Posted: 7:04 PM, September 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Then why was it so easy for him to cheat on his wife? I am no saint believe you me but I have been faithful to him since we got together

Posts: 171 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Illinois
burnedcanuckEMS
♀ Member
Member # 35813
Default  Posted: 7:25 PM, September 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He is a hypocrite. Obviously he doesn't believe in marriage either, or he would not have broken his vows. Maybe this is just a mind game he is playing with you in the hopes that you won't leave him?


Me: BW 38, Him: WH 37
M: 07/07/07
DDay: 06/09/12
Divorce Granted on December 5, 2012 - fasted divorce ever (thanks to my good lawyer) and I am not looking back with ANY regrets!!

"And this above all else, to thine own self be true"


Posts: 234 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Alberta
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 7:42 PM, September 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

***WS doesn't believe in Divorce***
Huh. How convenient.....


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7705 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
allusions
♀ Member
Member # 25376
Default  Posted: 7:53 PM, September 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tell him that unlike the tooth fairy, divorce really does exist.

Posts: 292 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: California Central Coast
gma56
♀ Member
Member # 19595
Default  Posted: 7:55 PM, September 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WS doesn't believe in Divorce
Mmmm. What the hell does he think could happen when he is cheating and lying ? Didn't think you would find out or care? They almost ALL think the same thing. Both lying and cheating will lead to divorce more times than reconciling .Why ? Because a WS can be very delusional and definitely in a deep fog with no remorse only regret of being caught. That is never good reconciling reasons.

Take a look down Wayward forum and read what true remorse is and the hard work they do to fix their problems and marriage. How is your WH comparing in actions ?

[This message edited by gma56 at 2:36 AM, September 15th (Sunday)]


BW-Divorced
It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. I lost my family but gained a second chance to be happy.

Posts: 20323 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Half way to where I want to be.
SoOver96
♀ Member
Member # 40169
Default  Posted: 8:02 PM, September 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't he can compare this is the fourth Saturday he hasn't came home and someone that is remorseful fully comes home I believe and wants to be there for his wife and his kids I made my choice 17 years ago he is still my choice but I feel I'm not he says he's staying til the day he dies but wouldn't you think he'd put in some effort

Posts: 171 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Illinois
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 8:07 PM, September 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He seems to think that YOU don't have a say in this...... If he continues on the path he's on, I have a feeling that he's in for a big old shock -- the one where he realizes that he doesn't control the world and everyone in it.
Idiot.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7705 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
SoOver96
♀ Member
Member # 40169
Default  Posted: 8:27 PM, September 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I told him 2-3 years ago He would have to leave if he didn't get a job we were living off my income which I was ok with until he started staying out all hours of the night then coming in taking the bank card out of my purse while I was sleeping he only did that twice that's when I told him he had to leave I was at my Gmas house when I got the call saying he knew it I said knew what so I rushed home there was a note saying that he saw my exs name on line and he knew I was cheating which I opened my laptop and there's his name just his name my husband did not open the im so he didnt read the messages nothing if he had he would of known nothing was going on on my part just asking what gifts he wanted on FarmVille and occasionally shut the hell up because he'd bring up the past ( sorry for repeating I know ive put this in other post) my husband means the whole world to me and I'm just a pile of shit under his feet. back then and now it sucks I'm not with him because of the kids and I'm not with him for a roof over my head this is my place my Gma bought it after my gpa passed because my mnl told me if my husband ever went back to jail I wouldn't have a place to go so she wanted to make sure I did have a place

Posts: 171 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Illinois
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 9:25 PM, September 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd like to couch this with a *gently*, but there's not really a gentle way to say this -- WHY should he put in any effort? He's been using you and getting away with it for so long that he now feels so entitled that he can cheat right under your nose AND pretty much *tell* you that he's going to continue cake-eating because divorce just isn't an option.

He has a criminal background. (you mentioned he'd been to jail)
He seems un-interested in getting a job and quite happy to "stay [in the house your gma provided to you] until he dies."
He takes your bank card w/o your knowledge (technically it's his money too since you're married, but I'm referring to the sneakiness of the action)
And he accuses you of cheating based on......not too much and without any type of conversation.

He can still be *your choice*, but that doesn't mean that the choice that you are making is one that is emotionally healthy for you......


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7705 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
SoOver96
♀ Member
Member # 40169
Default  Posted: 9:46 PM, September 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your right I can't change him ive tried I started going to IC but that didn't work that just have him another thing to say i was cheating two yours ago I put my faith in god that didn't work because If it did WS wouldn't of cheated I haven't gone back I've stopped praying I'm lost how can he say he loves me and not prove it I'm sorry I'm venting

Posts: 171 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Illinois
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 10:01 PM, September 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know, he's telling you how he feels by his actions. Sometimes you have to let go with the outcome that you wish would happen and see the outcome that is being shown to you. And then believe it.

I do assure you (and that turdsmacker) that divorce does exist. Been through one. Unlike Unicorn farts and Rainbow glitter in the sky, divorce is real. Just go talk to a lawyer and they will tell you exactly how to make it happen. I'd say you were overdue for this talk. (((hugs)))


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4585 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
SoOver96
♀ Member
Member # 40169
Default  Posted: 10:35 PM, September 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know that's right :-(

Posts: 171 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Illinois
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 11:25 PM, September 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Roll to disbelieve fails. Divorce is real.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7364 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
joeboo
♂ Member
Member # 31089
Default  Posted: 11:49 PM, September 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Obviously he doesn't believe in marriage either, or he would not have broken his vows.
Very well said.

Posts: 1208 | Registered: Feb 2011
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 12:09 AM, September 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

how can he say he loves me and not prove it

*His* definition of love and yours are different.

I put my faith in god that didn't work because If it did WS wouldn't of cheated

IMO....no, not really. It isn't God's job to give you what you want. Years ago, I decided to take 'religion' more seriously. I decided to learn it and live it. And I did that. It has turned out to be a really good thing for me, but it did shit-all for my marriage....because my stbx is an abusive, serial-cheating, toxic dude....and that's not MY problem. Disclaimer: I haven't been to church in over a year. During false R we began attending a church that had a pastor and congregation that I really, really liked and felt 'at home' with, but when I found out that stbx was cheating during our 'supposed' R......I couldn't bring myself to return to there.

I started going to IC but that didn't work that just have him another thing to say i was cheating

????? What ?????
SoOver.....this is a super-duper red flag for abuse.
He was worried that your IC was going to work with you enough that you would be able to *see* how fucked-up he is and encourage you to make healthy choices for yourself (ie....leave him because he's not a *good* relationship choice for you emotionally)...and so he threw a tantrum <or whatever> and made you feel *bad* about it and so you stopped going. *Score* for his cheating ass! He gets to keep you in this mind-swirling mind-fuck in perpetuity. Great for him. Really, really, really bad for you. .......did I say *really*?

Take a step back right now. You've probably read about the 180. Your WS seems to *have your number* as far as knowing which buttons to push on you in order to get you to 'fall in line', so expect it to get a bit 'ugly' when you start thinking about YOURself and what YOU need and want for your own life and start taking steps to achieve it.

What does this guy bring to the table, SO? Seriously. Think about it. What is HE doing to for YOUR life?


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7705 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Bluebird26
♀ Member
Member # 36445
Default  Posted: 4:11 AM, September 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

See if he 'believes in Divorce' when you serve him with Divorce papers.

Please don't live like this any longer. Please see a lawyer asap.


"Loving someone should not mean losing you. Love empowers you. It shouldn't erase you. - Thelma Davis.

Posts: 1284 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, September 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your H means the world to you. He treats you like shit under his feet.

Analyze that, SO96. The reading I get is that you treat yourself like shit.

IC - IC - IC. Start telling yourself the truth: you're loving, lovable, and capable.

All you need is for you to believe in D - and in yourself.

(((SoOver96)))


fBH (me) - 65+, fWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9768 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
SoOver96
♀ Member
Member # 40169
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, September 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have no idea if he has an account on here because it was the weirdest thing he came home and I was practicing the 180 I didn't say anything to him it was about midnight he goes in the bathroom and he talks loud so I can hear him two rooms away or more if I don't have anything on and he says Ive treated you like shit since day one I didn't respond out loud but all I thought was WOW i could not believe that he said it its like he read this thread but he doesnt go on my ipod but he doesn't remember half the things he says the morning after so I'm debating on telling him what he said because he will deny saying it. I appreciate all your responses I really do he was a wonderful guy when we met all through middle school through the summers through high school even before we got married even through our pregnancy with our daughter he went to the appts then bam jail he was driving on a suspended license when he thought it got taken care of.

Posts: 171 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Illinois
damncutekitty
♀ Member
Member # 5929
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, September 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It doesn't really matter what he believes. If you choose to divorce him, he can't really stop you.


Keep calm and carry on.

Posts: 49447 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: Minneapolis
SadFlower
♀ Member
Member # 37725
Default  Posted: 7:09 PM, September 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SoOver, I am going to echo what the others are telling you. I know that you remember a good man long ago, but for whatever reason, he is not that man anymore. He is abusive and controlling. You deserve better, and you know it.

SEE A LAWYER NOW. Even if you ultimately decide not to divorce him, you need to know your rights, and you need to know how to get him out of the house your grandmother bought for you if you do decide to divorce. You need advice on protecting your finances, too. (At a minimum, change your debit card PIN number.)

Do not tell him that you are planning to see a lawyer, though. Just do it.

And good luck, SO. Please keep posting to let us know how you are doing.



Me: BW, age 66
Him: WH, age 64
Married 19 years
In R.

D-Day: August 14, 2012
9 year LTA with former co-worker and family "friend"/7 years EA+PA, 2 more years EA


Posts: 358 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Connecticut
Topic Posts: 25
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