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User Topic: WS doesn't believe in Divorce
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Member # 33438
Default  Posted: 8:32 PM, September 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1.) he doesn't remember the morning after? Are we talking chemical addiction?

2.) this in't the place to have religious discussions, but don't blame God, or amyone else but your wayward for your wayward's choices. He has free will and he is exercising it.

------ Some people are emotional tadpoles. Even if they mature they are just a warty toad. Catt

Posts: 350 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: 3 klicks north of Ambiguous
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Member # 8271
Default  Posted: 8:50 PM, September 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WS doesn't believe in Divorce

Unlike Santa and the Easter Bunny, in this case you can actually prove it if you so choose.

"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." ~Homer Simpson

Posts: 4145 | Registered: Sep 2005
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Member # 40169
Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, September 16th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's being super nice I don't think he's messing around because the man pocket sails me more often then I can count but I'm doing the 180 and let me tell you it's hard not to say I love you when you've been saying it to one man for over 17 years when he says it I change the course of the conversation he said I love you 4xs in a row

Posts: 171 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Illinois
solus sto
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Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 4:29 PM, September 16th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WS doesn't believe in Divorce
He may say he doesn't believe in divorce, but if he engaged in infidelity, he made the choice to divorce, even if by proxy.

Why? Because the decision to cheat is the decision to end a marriage. It doesn't always turn out that way (well, it does end the marriage, but sometimes, with hard work, the rubble can be built into a new, stronger one). But adultery is one of the few clear-cut, Biblically-sanctioned reasons for divorce.

He may not believe in walking into a courthouse, himself, to file for divorce. Frankly, by your description, it sounds as though that's less faith-based than because he generally lacks motivation to do anything constructive.

But he most assuredly believed he was entitled to break the vows that made your marriage sacred, didn't he?

So, he chose divorce by proxy--making YOU the "bad guy." That you have chosen not to divorce him is a gift---one I'm not sure should be bestowed.

You mention giving it over to God. I think it's wise to surrender what we can't control. In fact, I have the word "surrender" tattooed inside my wrist to remind me of this---it was a crucial skill for me to master, and a huge challenge.

But healthy surrender does NOT involve giving up the things you CAN control. As the adage goes, "God helps those who help themselves."

At this point, you risk becoming complicit in your own betrayal. One of the hardest aspects of infidelity, for me, was a mighty struggle with anger at myself--that I didn't see. That I believed. That I trusted. That, once I did know, I gave too many chances, and believed, and trusted again.

Find your power. Do whatever you can to improve your life, to bring yourself joy (if only fleeting), with the understanding that the only person whose thoughts, feelings, and actions you can change is YOU.

Start making small changes for the better. It's unbelievable how empowering it is--even seemingly minor things add up, and lend you strength you didn't know you had.

Surrender what you can't control, certainly. But please, please don't mistake that advice for becoming passive and complacent about your OWN actions. You are still responsible for your own healing, your own well-being. As a parent, you are responsible for your children, as well--though of course you cannot control their thoughts, feelings or actions. You CAN protect them, model strong, decisive behavior, show them what love is intended to be.

Allowing this disrespect and mistreatment benefits no one, and harms you.

[This message edited by solus sto at 4:30 PM, September 16th (Monday)]

BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8841 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
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Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 4:57 PM, September 16th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

“Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.”

― Mark Twain

This is my new mantra.

If you'd like, try a separation first. I was amazed at how much easier my life was once WH moved out. I discovered I didn't need him. I still love my WH very much, but I just cannot be married to him.

On the religion note, I asked God to give me a sign for help in my decision. What happened was that every time I started thinking about Reconciliation, I discovered a further betrayal. I think that's a pretty clear sign.

Also, if your WH 'doesn't believe in divorce,' maybe he just doesn't want to file for himself. Maybe he wants you to do it for him. Also, check out if your state has a Legal Separation option. My state does. It basically a divorce without the "Dissolution of Marriage." Meanwhile, it will protect you and your kids financially, and you can work on healing you for the emotional trauma of his infidelity.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do. ((hugs))

Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.

Posts: 1860 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
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