I'm having a serious pity party tonight. I'm tired, stressed, and PMSed. Perfect recipe for feeling sorry for myself...
STBX and I sill be finalizing our D in about 3 weeks. Honestly, I can't wait. I want to be free of the marriage, and I have no desire to be with him anymore. That said, I am really having a tough time tonight letting go of the plans we had for the future. After DD was born (about a year ago), I quit my job so I could be a SAHM. It was wonderful; I had my two kiddos, who I planned to homeschool, my chickens and garden, and plenty of time to explore my interests and nurture my little ones. Then D Day happened, and my future imploded. It's gone.
I'm now back to work FT, though making 30% less (though I'm hoping to get my old position back in a few months, but there are no guarantees). The kids have to stay with a sitter. We're still sharing the house (though on STBX's days with the kids, I go stay with my mom, and on my days, he stays with friends), though I'll be taking possession of it once the D is final. STBX just lost his job through making (yet another) stupid decision, so he might not even have a place of his own to take the kids to. And I'm worried about messing up the kids because STBX wants equal overnights. I've been living between my house and my mom's, switching every few days, and it's hell. How can I do that to my kids??
Thankfully, STBX and I are on as good of terms as I think we could be, and we're communicating well about the kids. He has some major faults, but he is a good daddy. I know something will work out, somehow. But tonight, I'm just so sad that he robbed me and our kids of the future I'd dreamed of. I can't even seem to plan a new future right now; it's like my life just dead-ends. Logically, I know it doesn't. I know I'll feel better tomorrow and keep putting one foot in front of the other. I'll MAKE something good happen.
But tonight... Tonight I'm miserable. XWH - 42, SA
Me - 31
two little ones, 1 and 4
Since my house burned down / I now own a better view / of the rising moon.
- Mizuta Masahide