Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: am0930 (44292)

New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: New love, old Sh*t- help!
Sorceress
♀ Member
Member # 33420
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, September 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Some people here might remember me. In a nutshell, my ex cheated on me for years with a very close friend, was awful to me when I found out, practically raped me one night, then he got arrested for sex with a 13 year old and I guess I had some kind of emotional freeze out- I couldn't understand how or why I had never known and he used a lot of emotional blackmail (I will kill myself/I will take the children/I will leave you homeless) to keep me close. Anyway, he went to prison as he should have- and that son of a bitch will never see MY children again for a long as I live if I can help it!

Fast forward to the present. I am in love. With a really great guy. He loves me and he loves the children and treats them as if they were his own. He had a volatile relationship before he was with me (but so did I!) and he freely admits to being something of a player in his teenage years and early twenties. Admittedly, he says they were not serious relationships- just two to three week flings here and there but rarely exclusive. I mention this only to show that he has been very open about the kid he once was- he's not given me any reason to mistrust him. We've been together officially for bout six months but we were taking it slow for three before that.

Anyway, as much as I trust this man, I feel like I shouldn't be able to trust my own instincts- because of what happened before with the ex. If that makes sense. I trust him but I feel like I can't trust my ability to make that judgement and feel safe with it. Of course, knowing that this man was a player as a teenager is not as concerning as it would be if he were that way as an adult. But it doesn't help me that my gut instincts are still a little bruised, and I'm guarding them a little just in case. Which doesn't feel fair- to hold back a bit of me because of the ex. He may well be doing the same because of the nature of his last relationship! I don't know!

Our relationship is happy and laid back and I really feel we've got a future together- but dare I?? Dare I really allow myself to believe in the possibility of a happily ever after? Can I ever afford to drop the guard completely? What do you guys think?


me- BSo 30, happily in new relationship
him-ex wso 40, child sex offender
DD-6 DS-4
I look for the good and admirable in every soul. The people that seem to be neither are terrifying.

Posts: 510 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: UK
SI Staff
Moderator
Member # 10
Default  Posted: 8:47 PM, September 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bump

Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
traildad
♂ Member
Member # 35258
Default  Posted: 8:53 PM, September 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allowing yourself to trust again is the only way to really open up and feel love again. It goes hand in hand. If you have your guard up, that puts a wall between you and your SO.

I think the real question is how strong do you feel? No matter how much you trust someone, they can still hurt you. You need to look inward and consider how you you would feel if he hurt you. Could you handle it? Would it be tough, but survivable? Or would it be devastating to your world?

This has nothing to do with him and everything to do with you, and your own strength. Can you let your guard down and love and trust, knowing you will be ok if you get hurt? If not, then you should look inward before putting your guard down and work on yourself. Hope this helps.


Me BH - 33
3 beautiful young children
DDay 12/13/11
Divorced.

Posts: 650 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Michigan
traicionada
♀ Member
Member # 10310
Default  Posted: 10:07 PM, September 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You past experience was very traumatic, did you seek professional help to cope? Your inability to trust might be rooted on the fact that you haven't deal with all the madness yet


Real love is a CHOICE, NOT a feeling...

Posts: 3250 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Dallas, Texas
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 12:19 AM, September 16th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Has he earned your trust? For me trust needs to be earned. Blindly trusting someone has only caused me pain. I won't hand someone my heart and trust them not to break it. I can't.

I don't trust naively anymore. I will hold a piece of my heart back until time and actions matching words have earned my complete trust. Only then will I be able to give my whole heart.

It's gonna take time , I'm worth it.


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4853 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Sorceress
♀ Member
Member # 33420
Default  Posted: 1:12 AM, September 16th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's given me plenty of reason to trust him. He's deployed with the RAF at the moment, and he skypes me every day, gets to the phone as often as he can, emails me, sends letters, sends gifts- to me and the children, always talks to me about things that upset me with just as much consideration as he does any conversation. When we were just taking things slow, getting to know and like one another, before we actually said we were exclusive, he left his phone at my house and he didn't freak out or get frantic about it, and I didn't feel the need to check it. Since he's been deployed he's needed to sort out various insurances before he comes home and he's given me email passwords, bank account details, even his Facebook details- so I don't think he's hiding anything from me. I love him. I really do. And so do my children, which is a big thing. But even though he has given me no reason not to trust him, I'm scared of getting hurt. I'm scared that my children will get hurt.


me- BSo 30, happily in new relationship
him-ex wso 40, child sex offender
DD-6 DS-4
I look for the good and admirable in every soul. The people that seem to be neither are terrifying.

Posts: 510 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: UK
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 9:56 PM, September 16th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, if you weren't scared and worried, then you would be unrealistic.

So, what would make YOU feel better? Do you need to hire a PI to dig up his background? Do you need more time? Do you need to attend pre-marital counseling with him and maybe with your children? What do YOU need?


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4585 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Sorceress
♀ Member
Member # 33420
Default  Posted: 10:23 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I might just be worried because it's 2 years since dday today and whilst I am with a different man, I think my subconscious is spitefully reminding me of how quickly you can be shown that what you thought was real was in fact a lie. Since we've officially become a couple I have no reason to believe he has been or would be untrue to me, but I am worried that this trust will get my heart broken- and in the grand scheme of things, we only just fixed it. In reality he could be feeling the same as I do; fearful that I might break his heart, although he tells me he doesn't worry that I would do that and be unfaithful to him like some
of his past partners have. I suppose I am just looking for someone to tell me it won't be like the last relationship when in reality nobody could ever know that for sure.


me- BSo 30, happily in new relationship
him-ex wso 40, child sex offender
DD-6 DS-4
I look for the good and admirable in every soul. The people that seem to be neither are terrifying.

Posts: 510 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: UK
Topic Posts: 8

Return to Forum: New Beginnings Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.