Listen, I sat on SI for over a year and read all about TT all that time and didn't tell my BH everything until over a year later. I knew how wrong and destructive it was, and I did it anyway. So, now you're 'that guy'. Is there any more? Please tell ccw everything, anything else out there? TELL HER.
Then go to IC, hear what is sad, stop talking about how beautiful your wife is and how much you love her and how messed up you are.
Start with the basics and get busy. Enough with the talk, time for action. Stop saying what you think she wants to hear. Be real and honest and do the work.
While I do believe you don't want your wife hurt anymore, the truth of the matter is that you are covering your ass. If you did it, it is time to own it.
I just want CCWs pain to stop
it's just hard to man up and do it for fear of how much it will hurt her even more
Don't be so quick to blame your TT on a possible Narcissistic self-diagnosis. A qualified IC needs to be the one to diagnose that.
Look, it's one thing to not be able to remember every word spoken to our AP. It's another thing to "forget" that you had sex with your AP on your wife's birthday. (just an example) kwim?
"We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them."
Don't be so quick to blame your TT on a possible Narcissistic self-diagnosis.
Just because someone has narcissistic tendencies, it does not mean that you are NPD. Plus there is an entire spectrum on the diagnosis of any 'disorder'
Don't look at an online quiz or list of symptoms, talk to your IC.
eta; hit post too soon.
[This message edited by badchoice at 11:24 PM, September 15th (Sunday)]
My WS went through the assessment process, so we know a lot about it. We were referred by our therapist to a psychologist for the assessment. We had an intake interview, then he did the testing, then we had a final appointment.
We were initially referred for bipolar disorder or borderline personality disorder. What we came out with was a laundry list but it really cleared a lot up for us. My husband was diagnosed with:
Mood disorder (not high enough for bipolar just yet but it is progressive)
Moderate PTSD due to time in combat
Personality disorder with 90% narcissistic traits and 90% obsessive compulsive traits.
The one area that my husband did not score high on for narcissism is that he has very poor self esteem, but all other area's he hit. Guess that's why he only hit 90%.
In any case, he gave us a plan of treatment to go over with our therapist and he's continued IC since.
Guess what though? That intake appointment? My husband was lying. We had a MASSIVE DDay 6 months after his assessment was complete. I mean EPIC DDay where he was fired for sexual harassment, 3 more AP's came out of the woodwork due to his lying. I won't even call it TT, it was outright lying. And I knew all along he had been lying, but I just didn't know what about and certainly had no idea to what degree.
Lying, regardless by omission, outright, whatever...kills. There is a saying that often it isn't the affair that ends the marriage, but the lies afterwards.
Your wife is giving you such a golden opportunity here. Your lying isn't about sparing her, it's completely about covering your own ass. Giving her the truth in little doses is eating away at her.
You CAN remember if you choose to. Sit down, start writing that timeline, don't put it off. Dig deep. Be the husband she deserves and stop hurting her with the lies. You made the choice to cheat on her, you make the choice to lie to her. If you can't remember something in the moment, don't say "there isn't any more" just say, can I have a day to think about this and give you the truth tomorrow?
Do NOT blame it on a "self" diagnosis off an internet search. First, there is a lot that goes into an assessment. Second, blaming NPD is an excuse. Just because my husband has narcissistic tendencies, it doesn't MAKE him lie. It's not the REASON he lied. He lied because he didn't want to get caught, period.
My journey to survive from my husbands multiple affairs and sex addiction.
Being very, very careful
D-day 14 June 2013
I'm smart, good looking and gosh darn it, people like me!