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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Healing
Phoenix9572
♀ Member
Member # 39987
What?  Posted: 9:15 PM, September 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We talk a lot here on SI about healing ourselves after the crap we've been dealt in our relationships. As I watch my STBXH start to sail off into the distance with the new love of his life after almost 3 weeks of separation I was starting to wonder about OLD. I know I'm not ready for any romantic entanglements but I really do miss having a companion in my life. I also know that it's way to early to even begin to think about having someone else around. So all these thoughts led me to wonder what does being healed look like after all this? How do you find yourself being a different person and consider yourself healed from the trauma of infidelity and breach of trust from the one you loved the most?


Me - 40
WH - 42
Married 18 years
kids - 14, 12
DD - May 13, 2013
DD2 - Aug 4, 2013
DD3 - Aug 27, 2013
Status - Legally separated; really wanted R but don't think that is possible anymore

Posts: 103 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Southern Indiana
Housefulloflove
♀ Member
Member # 38458
Default  Posted: 9:26 PM, September 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't answer your last question because the only thing I know about being healed and moved on from the trauma is that I'm not there yet.

I've definitely had those feelings of REALLY wanting a companion. Not a serious relationship, just a man to talk to, date and make me feel like a desirable person. But as the saying goes..."broken attracts broken". I belief that is entirely true. The only guys I attract right now are messed up liars. I met a guy a few months ago (not online) and all that I've learned so far had helped me identify a lot of red flags. I'm pretty sure he was a pathological liar too. The old me would have stuck around until the lies were proven beyond a doubt but the new me cut it off immediately.

Sorry for rambling but what I'm trying to say is that if you jump into the next relationship too soon it's inviting disaster.

Guys who want to date someone still struggling with their last relationship are usually predators.


Me-29 Starting over
ExWH-29 Probable NPD, PA, manchild
3 beautiful young children
DDay 1/20/13 Admits PA
No remorse so NO R. DIVORCED! 9/2013

Posts: 541 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: USA
traicionada
♀ Member
Member # 10310
Default  Posted: 10:01 PM, September 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Healing looks different but a bit the same. For me, it was figuring out how to be a single grown up (I started dating XH in HS). I have dated a few people since the D but unlike before I won't settled. I finally know what I'm looking for on a life partner


Real love is a CHOICE, NOT a feeling...

Posts: 3300 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Dallas, Texas
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 11:13 PM, September 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A simple way to look at this is if you're dating because you're lonely, you're dating for the wrong reason.

If you're dating because you enjoy the company of others, then you are probably on the right track.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20170 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
kecampbe
♀ New Member
Member # 40285
Default  Posted: 7:52 PM, September 16th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

traicionada - I also have been w my STBXH since HS. I have actually never been with anyone else (I can't say that about him - 4 others that I know of over the course of our 18 year relationship). I know that I don't want to be with him but I'm also so scared when I think about dating and being with someone else. My STBXH has really done a number on me and I don't want to attract someone just like him. What has helped you get through this? My life has been so intertwined with him that all my memories and big moments in life were with him. Looking back, I should have dumped him a long time ago but here we are...5 years of marriage (if u want to call it that) and 1 daughter. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!!!


Me: 32
WH: 32
DD: 3
Married 5 years
D-Day 1: April 11, 2012 (1st OW) - never really ended
D-Day 2: Oct 2012, last straw was July 8, 2013 (2nd OW)
Status: Separated

Posts: 20 | Registered: Aug 2013
Eyeofthetiger
♀ Member
Member # 40359
Default  Posted: 8:24 PM, September 16th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hope to feel healed when I no longer picture my future with him in it. If I can look into the future and see myself happy with my kids then I will consider myself healed. I would love to have the love I had with my WH again. But my true test will be to heal without wanting someone else.

I think you have to separate your mistrust for your x and your desire to trust someone else. I struggle with this the most as well. If I couldn't trust my H and my H couldn't love me, who can I trust and who will ever love me. But I would like to think that there are more decent men in the world than crappy selfish pricks.


S

Posts: 129 | Registered: Aug 2013
Topic Posts: 6

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