I could see the loving caring compassionate side in her. Not just for me but for others. Then there would be another let down. It was crazy making.
It did help me come to the realization that she was a good person but she was broken. She wanted to be that good person but FOO and addiction issues kept pushing her to act against her true will. I started realizing she was just as tortured by this as I was.
I knew that if she just got the help that she needed to address her brokenness she could get better.
For us I believe Dday was that breaking point where she honestly and truly sought that help.
I hope your H sees the contradictions too and seeks the help to free him from his brokenness.
"Knowing is half the battle"
Expecting progress not perfection
H and i went thru 4 x ivf treatments and he nursed me through a heart breaking miscarriage on ivf x 3. He is a loving, kind, caring man. he took on my 2 children from a previous marriage and has been a wonderful father to them as their own didn't want to know!
To the outside world this man is a perfect catch, all my friends will comment on how lucky i am etc etc ...
Little do the know this man!
Little did i know this man!
He fell, he made a mistake, he is truly sorry for this and i believe him. Your H has to earn back his trust with you, it will take time. We are 10mths after DD and are getting better as the days go on.
My advise is to keep talking, if your hurting, tell him. Tell him how u feel, be honest and open about everything. I have found that me and my H are more open about things now, and i know we will make it.
I'm sorry you are here with the rest of us..
This was the man that abandoned me to porn, online sex chats, and finally a ONS. There are only 4 people who know my sister, his eldest sister, and two very dear friends of ours on the East Coast. None of them could process it I had to almost convince them.
And now that loving person is back. It' almost like a resurrection. And my wary heart is opening again. But it will never be the same. I know now, that I can walk away, and if I did walk away, I would be just fine. Maybe it's that knowledge that has given me the freedom and the courage to risk again. I don't really know.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
I'm not saying that schizophrenic people don't know right from wrong--they do--but it's that their brain is chemically wired differently than others, and this is often baffling to others.
Many people with this disorder find help with medication. Sometimes, the first medication given might need to be adjusted, or it might need to be changed to a different medication, to keep the person more "even."
I'm NOT a psychologist or psychiatrist but these are my thoughts based on what I know of this disorder.
Apologies if I misread and misinterpreted your comment about schizophrenia.
The truth is he is not all good or all bad--he is some of both. You get the good one if he is willing to do the work to keep the bad at bay. There are no guarantees for any of us. I am fully aware that my FWH could go off the deep end again. But I know now that I am strong and can handle it if he does. That is where my IC has been so important. Hope you are seeking IC for yourself.
Often times I wonder if the A is a symptom of an internal struggle between who they think they are, who they want to appear as, and who they really are.
[This message edited by RyeBread at 1:27 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)]
My wife went from being quite simply the warmest most wonderful person I had ever met to being a MONSTER. She literally took delight in my pain. Seriously...LITERALLY. When I would be just crushed she would laugh. She would actually laugh.
This was the same woman I went through IVF with 3 times and all that goes along with that. Nope it didn't work.
Now she is back to being Miss Wonderful and really can't explain where the monster came from.
I suspect a lot of BS react like I do to a news story like one we saw recently on 60 minutes. A professional baseball pitcher was profiled and was telling the story of his CSA and how it had affected him. One way was that he cheated on his wife. He was very remorseful, was in therapy and speaking out to help others. His M was thriving. My H actually was watching the story and called up to me to turn it on. We both watched with tears in our eyes. The point is I admired him. Did not think he was a "bad" man. It seems we can be very forgiving and understanding of other's weaknesses. Well, our WSs are just as broken, just as weak. They too, providing they are working their asses off, deserve a second chance, if their BS is willing to go down that path with them ( no judgement to those for whom it's a deal breaker). Few people should be written off as completely bad.
Do others struggle to understand how their partner can be both things...
Did I ever.
My wife was one of the kindest, most genuinely caring, warm and compassionate person that I'd ever met. Certainly more so than I am. She never wanted to see anyone be hurt, child or adult. I absolutely loved this about her.
But when she had the affair, she was just awful to me. I'd never seen her treat anyone, even people who deserved it, like she treated me. Nor have I seen anyone treated like that since.
I understand it now, all her suppressed rage came out that summer, and came out on me. It wasn't my fault, I just was there.