Wow!!!! Just wow!!!!!
She has met my 15 year old daughter. My daughter likes her (which just about kills me). She has given my daughter her phone number and they text and talk frequently. UGH! She has also given her phone number to my daughter's best friend and they text and talk too!!!
Tell me why a 46 year old woman would want to be friends with my daughter's friends????
Tell me why a 46 year old woman would want to be friends with my daughter's friends???
At five years in, though, I'd venture to guess that this one is around to stay---for a while, at least. Either they're still in the land of unicorns and Skittles, or have reached the point where they see that throwing in the towel would be an admission that they destroyed two families for nothing. Whichever, they're probably going to be together for the foreseeable future. A positive relationship with the homewrecker is probably a good thing for the kids, as sucky as it is for you. (ETA: I have to clarify: by a "positive" relationship, I mean an appropriate relationship. I would actually keep an eye on the tone of the interaction via text and FB. As with ANY adult texting my kids, I would want to make sure that no boundaries were crossed. We already know that OW has a history of boundary-crossing---please don't think I am discounting that. I just think that kids have enough to fret about these days without worrying if their mom is upset because they're superficially friendly to Twinkie, kwim? Our kids know the score--they're not fooled.)
[This message edited by solus sto at 11:29 AM, September 16th (Monday)]
My 15 year old does not speak of her in my presence. She knows it kills me. So, basically she keeps secrets of where they go, what they do and I do not ask questions because I do not want her to feel funny. I did tell her that she does not need to keep secrets or try to spare my feelings, I am an adult and can handle it.
It has caused a huge wedge in my relationship with my 15 year old. She even said she wishes we could get back to how we used to be. What she doesn't realize is that the OW is the one who put her in the situation to begin with. The secrecy and distance between us reminds me ALOT of how my STBXH was with me during his affair!!!!
It has caused a huge wedge in my relationship with my 15 year old.
This worries me a lot. Are you guys in IC? If not I strongly suggest you look into it.
Whether the OW is actively trying to alienate your daughter from you OR just trying to make herself feel better the fact is that your daughter is being caught in the middle and feels like she is betraying you with her relationship with OW.
You have to be really careful with this. She isn't betraying you. She is making the best out of a bad situation.
Please know I know how much it hurts. I can think of very few things that would be more horrific than my daughter bonding with the whore. Two things that are worse are an OW that is unkind or mistreats my girls OR that my girls feel like they are betraying me by just trying to make the best out of a difficult situation.
Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.
I am sure if one of her 15 year old girlfriends was hurt by a guy, she would for sure know enough not to bring up stories about the guy to her girlfriend because that would be hurtful to her friend. Nor would she become bffs with the guy who broke her friend's heart. Or if she had a tiff with another girl, she would want her girlfriend to side with her but in the least, not become best buds with the girl she was mad at. I think she should give her Mom the same respect and understanding she would give one of her teen friends.
I think we sometimes inadvertently give signals to our kids that it is okay to act selfishly by allowing it in the name of protecting them. I understand that it appears that she is trying to make the best of a bad situation, but I see it as her not thinking about her Mom's feelings. No one said that she had to act like your 18 year old who doesn't even talk to OW, but I don't understand why your daughter and OW have to be bffs. Don't get me wrong, she should be cordial to OW, but to become friends with her and then turn around and let you know about it just seems selfish, even for a 15 year old. If she was a little kid, like 5 years old, that would be different because they don't understand relationships and friendships as much as an older kid.
If you had told your daughter that if she ever talked to OW that you would disown her, then that would be out of line on your part, but I don't think it is out of line at all to expect her to not be bffs with OW or at the least to not share how they get along so well with you. I think she is old enough to realize that she shouldn't rub your nose in it. It's just common courtesy and understanding that any of us would extend to someone we love and I think she is old enough to understand this. To accept her being friends with OW without calmly letting her know that you would rather not hear about it is basically saying to her that it is okay to not think of other's feelings, particularly her own Mom's.
Could be because it is Monday and I've had a long day, and am low on patience, but I think it's never a good idea to allow our kids to act selfishly, even if we think it serves to protect them. Just my 2 cents.
"Obladi oblada life goes on...."
As for OW helping him become a better father......she has her work cut out for her. He will find the money for WHATEVER they want but he does not have it in him to shape them, show them love, spend quality time with them, teach them new things or listen to their problems or achievements and give them advise or encouragement. He just falls short of knowing what to do for them or with them. And his choice for a mentor.....well, do I really have to point out the fact that once her own children discovered that she had been running around on their dad, they lost all respect for her!!! THIS is who he is asking for help from???
On his road to being a better father he really just took another step backward!!!