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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: "Men don't leave unless there is someone else"
Thefly559
♂ Member
Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 10:23 PM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok since I was married to a woman I will say that woman don't appreciate what they have and cannot admit their faults and cheat more than men. But I am not generalizing because I was married to a woman.


"what does not kill you , makes you stronger"

Posts: 664 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 6:26 AM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The sad clown left well before DD. He left well before there was someone else - that's how he got on that slippery slope to their being someone else.

He left emotionally WAY before actually fucking around. TBH, I left emotionally way before DD too. Not because either of us had someone else - but because the someone I thought I married had disappeared.

I WISH he had left the moment there was someone else. I wish I had left the moment I realised he was dead and gone.

I think we all go through this phase of trying to make sense of this shit - find a box for it. MLC was my reason of choice but the truth is he has been this way his entire life and I was just the right kind of fucked up to participate in this crazy dance with him.

We aren't cheated on because of anything to do with us but I do believe I picked this fucked up guy because there is something fucked up within me. That's where I want to put my focus - understanding WHY I invested so much on what I knew to be a complete dud of a relationship.

That is how I'll avoid dealing with this shit in future.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5582 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 7:25 AM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My IC says him talking with another woman was a catalyst to him realizing his unhappiness and this leaving.

So, you're IC is analyzing someone she's never met or spoken to. At best this is ineffective; at worst, it's dangerous.

I can't think of a more ridiculous statement; his speaking to another woman contributed to his thinking he wanted to fuck this other woman, not that his whole M was unhappy. He came up with that premise to justify his wanting to get laid by someone else.

I would run far and fast from this IC. As for my opinion of ICs and therapists, it's just that--my opinion. In my personal experience working with them, they all got into the profession because they had problems and felt they could 'help' others. I even see it here from members thinking about going into these professions. Check credentials carefully; not every state has stringent licensing requirements.

[This message edited by Sad in AZ at 7:25 AM, September 18th (Wednesday)]


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20229 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
HurtButHopeful?
♀ Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK, would this be less offensive to the men who don't have A's before they D:

"Most men whose wives haven't cheated on them, don't leave a good marriage unless they have an OP waiting in the wings."


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
Thefly559
♂ Member
Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hbh. Lol very funny


"what does not kill you , makes you stronger"

Posts: 664 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lol, I have to respond to that. what man, whose wife cheated on him, would consider it a good marriage?


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2873 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
HurtButHopeful?
♀ Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 5:55 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

5454real,

Well, the man (whose wife cheats on him) thinks he has a good M until he finds out that it (the M) is so bad his W had to cheat on him, right?


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
gypsybird87
♀ Member
Member # 39193
Default  Posted: 6:54 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If they are a narcissist, like my XWH, then yes.. they always wait until they have a new relationship in place before they jump ship. They cannot bear to be alone with themselves, and without their "supply".

Since our D, I've learned that XWH cheated in every relationship he had. They all overlapped by at least several months. As soon as the new one was locked in, and he felt secure, he cut the old one loose.

So pathetic.


Me: Enjoying life
Him: Someone else's problem

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage. ~ Anais Nin


Posts: 871 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Oregon
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 10:14 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

t/j HBH sigh, yep t/j

I think a gender neutral title might fit better, but I do understand where it's coming from.


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2873 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think that there's an element of self-selection at work here.

If a guy is enough of assclown that he can't or won't give you a reason more substantial that "I'm not happy", without ever indicating what specifically is the issue is and putting the hard work in to resolve it, then he's probably enough of an assclown to find someone else prior to ending his primary relationship. And that works BOTH ways.

In any case, 95% is an awfully high number for ANYTHING. It would seem to indicate that guys just hang around in relationships forever, no matter what the reason...until they see something new and shiny.

ETA:

I think a relatively well-adjusted, healthy guy would be able to either try to work through relationship issues, or to sit a woman down and say, "Hey, this just isn't working for me for the reasons of X, Y, and Z."

[This message edited by FacePunched at 9:05 AM, September 19th (Thursday)]


I refuse to let a wound ruin me.
**Guts over fear.**

Posts: 2117 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
Merlin
♂ Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Serial monogamy may, or may not be more prevalent in men than women.

A declarative statement that 'Men don't leave unless there is someone else' is a value judgement and nothing more.


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1164 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
mof2
♀ Member
Member # 40287
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If he was unhappy, he should win an academy award because I had no idea. He was not distant or anything.

@Eyeofthetiger, my SIL said the exact same thing....well, she said he deserves an Oscar. I had no clue!


BW - Me 43
WH - Cheating Swine 43
Dday - February 12, 2013....a week before I was to give birth to the child I miscarried and 12 days before our 5th anniversary.

Posts: 316 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: DFW
RyeBread
♂ Member
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Most men whose wives haven't cheated on them, don't leave a good marriage unless they have an OP waiting in the wings."

Having a "good" marriage depends on the people involved. What may be good to one couple may not be good to another.

Also, there are other reasons to leave a marriage that are not infidelity related.


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 1030 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Two things - first, that saying is BS. Men leave for the same reasons that women leave. People leave. They quit. They move on.
Secondly, of course it's ok to think there's no one else. You can believe whatever you think is true, whatever matches your gut.

^^^This^^^


Posts: 1701 | Registered: Oct 2011
Topic Posts: 54
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