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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Maybe I didn't really like being married?
41andthankful
♀ Member
Member # 38650
Default  Posted: 5:57 PM, September 16th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First post in this forum. I have been separated since May. I realized that my life has become simple and peaceful. I felt relief when I finally got my proof of WH a. The pain of it however; seemed almost unbearable. I enjoy life here with me and my dd. initially I was worried but quickly realized there was no slack to pick up. I was already used to doing everything. Not taking care of him and his expectations has been a weight off my shoulders. Other than the occasional cry for what I thought I had, I find that I am happy. Maybe I didn't really like being married? I don't miss it. Is it just me? Is anyone else less stressed not being with their spouse?

[This message edited by 41andthankful at 5:58 PM, September 16th (Monday)]


Posts: 241 | Registered: Mar 2013
Eyeofthetiger
♀ Member
Member # 40359
Default  Posted: 6:21 PM, September 16th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Weird that you post this. Because I have been thinking the same and feeling guilty for thinking it.

Nothing has changed really for me. I still do all the shuffling of kids and baths and cooking and all that stuff. I don't have to wonder if he is going to be late from work or if I should start dinner without him.

I miss what I thought I had and what I thought I would have in the future. I miss someone to talk to at night and someone to hold me and love me.

I miss who he was but not who he is now. So I am less stressed but more sad and lonely l.


S

Posts: 129 | Registered: Aug 2013
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 6:31 PM, September 16th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm THRILLED not to be living with STBX! It is such a relief to be away from him.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9461 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
newlysingle
♀ Member
Member # 38735
Default  Posted: 6:46 PM, September 16th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes. I feel the same way. The Gnat always traveled a lot for work anyway, so I was used to being home with the kids alone. He still supports me enough that I can continue to be a SAHM for the meantime (heading back to school soon though). We dont have to hold iff dinner forever waiting on him and he takes the kids overnight sometimes.

I've never gotten a break from my kids like that before. I love them and love having them, but it's nice to have ME time. I'm very much enjoying not having him around.


BW - Me (37)
XWH - (37) The Gnat
OW - Some dumb whore he picked up in another state and moved here here. Known as Hello Kitty.
M for 8 years, together for 10
1 DD (5), 1 DS (1 year)
Dday 3/13
Divorced 9/20/13

Posts: 870 | Registered: Mar 2013
sunsetslost
♂ Member
Member # 39885
Default  Posted: 6:51 PM, September 16th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm in the same boat. I am much more fortunate than most on here. No kids. Not enough money to fight over. Free condo in FL when this crap gets sorted out. I was in forever. But the last few months of thinking about myself and what I want to accomplish in life is so exciting. Examining her flaws, selfishness, and depression has given me so much hope. Examining my flaws and actions have given me direction and hope. I deserve better. I won't miss her once I leave. I haven't seen her in 5 weeks. She has enough guilt that I can control the house sale and divorce without much fight. I'll be fair to her, probably too fair. But I'll do so for ME. Cut and run, start over. I love the idea of marriage. I want a partner someday to share all of life with. Someday a woman will bless the name of the one that broke my heart. I'll take these lessons and be a better man.

I wish you the best. Sometimes it's ok to let them go.


Divorced 7/11/14. New Beginning on the Gulf of Mexico. It's real nice.

Posts: 721 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: The beach.
Phoenix1
♀ Member
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 7:01 PM, September 16th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was thinking about that just yesterday when I was mowing the lawn. Even though it took me all afternoon to do the yard work, I couldn't help but think it was no different with him gone as I did everything around the house anyway (once in a blue moon he would mow). His absence hasn't changed anything except fewer bills to pay (not paying his anymore while he was unemployed for over a year), not having to be his secretary and taking care of all his stuff, and much less tension in the house overall. I am doing things in the house I haven't been able to do since we moved here six years ago and its awesome! I don't have to "consult" with ANYONE about what I want to do!

I don't miss the real him, but I do miss the illusion of what I thought he was and what should have been our future. However, I don't want to live a life of illusions, and I am even happier that he is thousands of miles away so I don't have to worry about bumping into him!

My DD and I have our routines and it is quite peaceful and calm at home now. No more walking on eggshells trying to keep His Majesty from blowing up about something stupid...

I liked being married, at least when I naively thought it was going well before it imploded, but I am not willing to pay that kind of price to have it. I would rather do without.


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 22,17 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet


Posts: 1019 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
sweetcrusader
♀ New Member
Member # 39561
Default  Posted: 10:43 PM, September 16th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I miss having help with the kids when things get a little rough. Other than that, not really. I was the one "driving" in our relationship. I generally picked activities, made plans, and took care of the house. I had already started developing myself and my interests about 5 years ago, and we had so little in common that I pursued my interests solo or with other people. We also worked different shifts, so our together time was limited, and I was accustomed to physically being alone.

Honestly, in a lot of ways, the impending D feels like I've been set free. There are just SO MANY things about our relationship that were wrong from the start. So many issues that I didn't realize were hurting me. So many little ways he drove me away. I worry for our children, that splitting their time between two households will damage them... but for myself? No. I'm better off.


XWH - 42, SA
Me - 31
two little ones, 1 and 4

Since my house burned down / I now own a better view / of the rising moon.
- Mizuta Masahide


Posts: 12 | Registered: Jun 2013
dmari
♀ Member
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 2:45 AM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is so weird. That so many of us are fine without our WS. I don't think it's that I don't like being married but I don't like being married to stbx (now that I know the "real" him). I think I am still open to marriage in general though. I do like the idea of being committed to one person.

After dealing with the initial pain of betrayal, I can honestly say that my life and my children's life is much more peaceful and authentic. Life is so good.


Me (BS): 42 Children: DD 18, DS 15
Settled at mediation
Officially divorced ... SOON!

Posts: 2140 | Registered: Oct 2012
41andthankful
♀ Member
Member # 38650
Default  Posted: 3:51 AM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dmari, I totally agree. I think I just didn't enjoy marriage with my WH. I do still believe marriage can be wonderfully fulfilling with the right spouse. Thank you all for responding.

[This message edited by 41andthankful at 3:52 AM, September 17th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 241 | Registered: Mar 2013
homewrecked2011
♀ Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 4:34 AM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Once my job goes from PT to FT I think I will be able to take a breath. That is the only thing I miss about XWH is the financial security.

THE ONLY THING!

This is really nice - my sons and I do things MY way instead of his way! From getting away for a weekend here and there to just chillin without a farting, crude, dumbass in our midst!

I can finally say, maybe God knew what He was doing!

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 4:35 AM, September 17th (Tuesday)]


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2028 | Registered: Jan 2012
dindy
♀ Member
Member # 38424
Default  Posted: 4:50 AM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can totally relate to this.

I think I kidded myself that we had a good relationship yet, last year after confronting ex twice about suspecting an affair and him denying it, I made peace with myself about a month before DDay that the truth would come out.

Then in the new year a few weeks before DDay I remember telling people what a great guy ex was. I now know that I was trying to convince myself that he was great and not the pos I know he is now.

I have so much more time and energy now I am now longer with him. I'll admit it's not easy being a single mother with two young children but my energy is focused on us three and not being wasted on him.

Realising this and realising that I was very unhappy with him has helped me heal and see that life really is better off without him in it.

Small steps being taken but in the right direction!


Posts: 459 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: uk
EvenKeel
♀ Member
Member # 24210
Default  Posted: 8:08 AM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am glad to see all these posts.

When X moved out - I started sleeping great. I almost felt guilty because so many on here are suffering from insomnia, etc. I thought WTH is wrong with me????? Am I cold and heartless???

I realized it is because I am no longer worried about him writing a check for money that is not in the account, I am no longer looking for that 'other she' to fall, etc.

Yes - I am sad that chapter of my book did not end like I had expected....but this is so much better than dealing with all the BS that was going on.


Eyes are useless if the mind is blind.


Posts: 2050 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 8:28 AM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Once my job goes from PT to FT I think I will be able to take a breath. That is the only thing I miss about XWH is the financial security.
THE ONLY THING!

Same here.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9461 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
womaninflux
♀ Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 8:29 AM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Who likes being married when their spouse is emotionally unavailable and puts all else above the marriage?


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 860 | Registered: Jun 2013
lost4now
♀ Member
Member # 21634
Default  Posted: 8:31 AM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I enjoy the fact that my STBXH is gone. I no longer have the worry associated with his affair and behavior. I constantly worried that he was still talking to her, seeing her (which he was!) and his idiotic behavior caused me such rage within. Every single thing about him made me furious. I even couldn't stand how he was brushing his teeth!!!! His presence alone was irritating.

I loved being married. One day, with the right partner, I hope to be happily married again. Currently, I enjoy my alone time when I get it and I use my time wisely to pursue activities that make me happy. I am trying to heal and grow into the woman that I lost several years back when my STBXH began his affair.

I am hopeful for my NB when it comes!!!!


BS - ME 43
WH 44
Married 20 years
DDay #1 12/28/07
DDay #2 9/18/08
DDay #3 12/28/08
Dday #4 11/18/10 (same OW)
Dday #5 8/22/12 (same OW)
2 beautiful daughters
"Love grows where it is nurtured and dies where it is not!"

Posts: 841 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: NJ
dindy
♀ Member
Member # 38424
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just wanted to add that my life is not that much different now that ex and I are no longer together.

I am still at home all day alone with my children and instead of being sat in another chair to him in the evenings watching tv (he never wanted to sit beside me saying that the sofa was bad for his back, though he would happily sit there if I was sitting somewhere else!), whilst he was on his phone and iPad (messaging OW).

Now I can sit by myself and it makes no difference if the emotional retard is there or not! :)


Posts: 459 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: uk
wildbananas
♀ Member
Member # 10552
Default  Posted: 8:40 AM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't miss marriage one bit when ex-asshat and I split. All I felt was relief.

I always blamed marriage itself. But now, I think it was just him personally. He sure gave it a bad name!


Travel light, live light, spread the light, be the light. ~ Yogi Bhajan

Posts: 15379 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Now an AZ girl
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 6:36 AM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really liked being married. I only just realised that this very moment. It is quite surprising.

Married. I liked being a wife. I liked being a mum in an intact family.

When things were good and I had bent over backwards to give and be everything I thought he wanted I liked being married.

Truth is I only liked the view from the outside. Inside it was pretty awful.

I HATED being in a relationship with him.

I HATED how he coped with stress.

I HATED how much he drank.

I HATED what a simpleton he was.

I HATED who I became around him.

I HATED all of those little things that, individually you can't really leave an M for. Looked at collectively it was textbook emotional abuse. I was the frog boiled slowly.

I doubt I will marry again as I worry I'll revert to the same Stockholm Syndrome thing. But I do hope to be in a relationship where the inside feels as good as the outside looks. And not just because I'm telling myself it is.

Now that would be lovely.


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5527 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
jackfish
♂ Member
Member # 40257
Default  Posted: 11:38 AM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@phoenix
Wow, couldn't have said it better myself! Only substitute Him with Her!
My son and I are humming along fine but I know the dirty deed of divorce will come eventually. Get my ducks in a row first though.

OP, I liked being married, loving someone I trusted and becoming a great all around man and father in the process. I did NOT like being married to the sin-machine she became. So, no one can take away the "good" of my marriage ever. It's those parts that get me welling up and emotional at times. (24 years of US) Not just the good, but also what we weathered together, moments shared (good or not so good).
Marriage is good people, but it truly takes two to become one, and trust one another, forever, to stay that way!
That said, I just cannot see myself EVER being married again. Just don't have it in me.

[This message edited by jackfish at 11:44 AM, September 18th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 88 | Registered: Aug 2013
LisaP
♀ Member
Member # 15088
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't miss the real him, but I do miss the illusion of what I thought he was and what should have been our future.

This ^^^

He took such an emotional toll on me that I was not able to recognize it until we were divorced. Once that weight was lifted, I was able to see how much I lost in the marriage. I am now just focusing on me, the kids, school, and the house.

I am enjoying this time...A LOT!


Me BS

Divorced!

~Feel your emotions, but control your behavior~ Unknown


Posts: 2180 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Oregon
Topic Posts: 22
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