This is like me saying "we'll since the courts generally award custody of the children to the mother, that must mean men aren't very good parents."
There are a multitude of reasons for divorce, why are women the one to file more,.,.i don't know, but I am going to look further into the facts before I make a statement that is less than flattering to half the population. Don't be angry.
So... If I were to take the brush that has defined my marriage and use it to broad brush all men, I would say that women are tired. Just that. Tired. Maybe we want a partner, someone who lifts us up, takes care of us and gives = to what we are giving. But I do not think that is true of all women or even a statistical percentage.
I prefer to spend my time working on me and not extrapolating that to a group. I keep looking at the log in my eye before I look for the splinter in the collective eye.
You might want to read the book, "Cutting Loose: Why Women Who End Their Marriages Do So Well" for the other perspective.
I really don't see it as any different than men like George Clooney opting to remain bachelors. Relationships are a lot of work. If your life is otherwise fantastic it is going to take a special sort of someone (the kind who will put in equal effort) to make it worth your while.
The first friend's husband may be gay (she has never spoke of it, but we all suspected) and after 20 years of marriage wants more for her life. I believe she has retained an attorney and may be filing. She's talked about this on and off for the past 4 years but would never go into details about the "whys".
The second friend does not want a D but wonders what a new life would be like, has not seeked representation, but her M is in terrible crisis and her H has threatened D when fighting about the kids. The only thing that is an issue for her in their M is that he hasn't touched her in 4 years and she feels lonely/unloved.
The third friend is going through a D. Her up and left her, I'm not sure if she filed, but had no choice to not seek representation. He was having an A but she did not know it at the time. We weren't as close in their last few years of marriage, but I get the impression he was very negative and distant - but she never gave up on him.
With all my girlfriends they may have complained that their husband's didn't help out with the kids, the house, or did things to be romantic, but none of them ever considered D or was openly thinking or fantasizing about greener pastures. All of them wanted to keep their families intact.
The most common complaint I hear from my friends is not money related, sex related or even *I wish he would be more affectionate", it's that they want HELP. They want physical and practical help with every day life.
The chores, finances, child rearing, errands, child taxi services, cooking, cleaning.
Some men think it's their right to sit and veg-out in front of the TV after a long hard day, and in the mean time the women are cooking, cleaning and bathing kids.
A lot of women don't want the movie-marriage, but they also don't want to be the workhorse of the family.
It's about communicating and compromise.
My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.
I think that's a good point and I like to think I'm a lot wiser now for doing my own personal homework and making an effort to understand today's world a bit better. Rather than make another mistake someday. I don't see anything skewed about that. I know for a fact I will never entangle my finances up with another person, ever again....BTDT.
And you might be looking at the new George Clooney....although I'm better looking!
[This message edited by SeanFLA at 1:39 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)]
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley
What I also read is that 90% of all divorces are filed by women. That's a HUGE number to me
Not to jump all over you, because I really do get why you posted and why this bothers you
but really, ex walked out on me and our kids for OW. Seriously, he went to work one morning and never came home again. WTF was I supposed to do? Wait for him to file for divorce? It's not that I wanted to be divorced. It's that I no longer wanted to be married to the low-life, chickenshit kind of man who would treat his wife and children that way.
That's why so many women file for divorce. Not because women are so unhappy in their marriages that they want to be divorced. But because they married men who are assholes, fucktards, and chickenshit cowards.
What you men on SI don't seem to get is that you men on SI are not typical of the husbands most of us women on SI had/have. Fortunately for you, you're a much better man, and human, than what most of us married. You must have read a lot of the stories here. Honestly, would you want to stay married to the type of spouses we describe, or would you file for divorce, eventually?
Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect
It is so easy to skew a statistic like that without getting facts. How many husbands cheated, how many women cheated, how many had abusive husbands, how many escaped a spouse with a drug and alcohol addition.....the list goes on
Yeah, I filed for divorce. 3 or 4 years after X moved out to play house with flavor of the week. Seems fair to me.
I think a lot of people do have unrealistic expectations.
My X was upset about our marriage because we fought, and if we were really "soulmates" then we would never fight and always be happy. He wanted rainbows and unicorns for the whole relationship. When those went away, instead of making them come back, he threw up his hands and went "nevermind, this isn't 'real' love." Did his unrealistic expectations make him file for divorce? Nope...he just cheated. My expectations of having a faithful, nonabrasive husband were not being met, so, yeah, I filed.
Isn't there another thread on this page about how men don't leave unless they find someone new? AND, many women on there tell about how, even after their husband found someone new, he still didn't leave until the wife made him (like in my case). So, are wives expecting too much? Or are husbands contributing too little?
If we want to throw useless statistics out, according to the CDC, 17% of men, vs 8% of women will meet the criteria for alcohol dependance at some point in their lives. Is it unrealistic to expect your husband not to be an alcoholic? According to the Domestic Violence Resource Center, women account for 85% of intimate partner violence. 1 in 4 women have experienced domestic violence. Is it unreasonable to expect your husband not to abuse you? 40% of women are the main wage earner in a household. Husbands, on average, do 1/3 of the housework of their wives, and women spend twice as much time on average parenting than their husbands.
So, when we look at all these statistics without taking in to account ANYTHING else, is it really surprising women are filing for divorce at such high levels? Seems reasonable to me that they would be unhappy.
**** I realize, it sounds like I am bashing men, I am not. I think there are a huge number of awesome men out there. My point was to show that, just a few numbers don't show much of anything. And, i'm not saying that all women are awesome and deserve to have perfect relationships. i think there are plenty of crappy women out there who mess up marriages or who have unrealistic expectations.
It will all be ok in the end. If it's not ok, it's not the end
Happily remarried to a wonderful man (Aussie). I think I found the right guy and the right finger this time.
I know people think my STBX is one of the worst of the worst. And he is! But he's not alone. Heck, just a few doors down in my own neighborhood I found out that my neighbor is divorcing, guess what, a narcissist. Many of his behaviors are just like my STBX's. The first woman at my church who I confessed this nightmare to is divorced from a man just like my STBX. Our church secretary is divorced from a bastard just like my STBX.
Why the hell should a woman stay, or want to stay, in a marriage to a man like this? Is it wrong for a woman to wonder what life might be like if she's not beat down every day? Is it wrong for a mother to want her children to grow up in a home where they aren't screamed at every day & made to cry by their father? Is it wrong for a woman who's husband repeatedly insults her and mocks her to get fed up?
ETA: Is it right for a woman to remain in a marriage to a husband who cheats on her? Are we seriously entertaining the notion that a woman's place is in the home, men will be men, and we women need to just be grateful for whatever crumbs get thrown our way?
[This message edited by Nature_Girl at 1:48 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)]
Personally I don't think it's unhealthy at all not to want to be married ever again.
I don't think it's unhealthy not to want to be married again, either. I feel the same way.
I wouldn't say that things were a bed of roses before DDay. If XWH had asked me to go to counseling, I would have done so. Life had gotten busy, and some days we were like ships passing in the night. Perhaps learning how to reconnect with the help of a MC would have been just what we needed. I will never know.
I took my marriage very seriously; of course, my XWH is the one who cheated. But I never held him up to some Hollywood, overinflated standard. I accepted him for who he was-- mood swings, farts, and all.
Anyway, there are women out there who don't think that their husband should be Atticus Finch as played by Gregory Peck. We don't expect perfection. However, maybe part of my problem was that my standards were TOO low. I worry about marrying again because I'll pick another piece of low-hanging fruit who won't treat me well, though my family has promised to be completely honest with me this time around and tell me exactly what they think of him in case I'm acting blinded by love!
My filing was a preemptive strike as there was a business involved. Turns out, that's all the fuel he needed to ramp up his behaviors, because, after all, we were technically and legally separated. He’s admitted more than once it was what took R off the table for him. Not the numerous OWmen who eventually surfaced or his out of control drinking and gambling or his basic lack of emotional intelligence, or his incredible risk-taking behaviors putting me and our family in jeopardy. Heavens no, it was my filing to divorce him. Which, he claimed at the time, he completely understood the legal reasons behind. It’s called blameshifting and marital history rewrite for you newbies.
My guess is that of the 90% of women who file, they, like me, eventually end up being quite happy or even – dare I say – ecstatic! – about their decision. I’m thinking 90% of happy women is a boatload of happy women.
I can't imagine not staying in a marriage or relationship in which I wasn’t happy (obviously measured on many schedules), and my guess is of those marriages not ending in divorce, the woman hasn't seen a reason to, because EGADS! perhaps – just perhaps – the other 40% or 60% of folks who stay married are actually happy.
My take is 90% of women are driving the bus when they’re done.
Great for them. Great for me.
"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 30 - Yikes!
So for me, my WH fulfilled my expectations when we got married, throughout our marriage, until he decided he wanted to have an A.
Did we have our own handful of problems? Of course, what marriage doesn't?
However, he made a choice not to communicate with me his feelings, before he took action outside of our relationship. Then I am left with some garbled up rewritten history that is only true to him.
I think the problem lies in the fact that it is so easy to get a divorce, and lots of people lack morals. People would rather sign a paper and pay the money for a divorce then they would to own the truth, go through counseling to find out what is wrong with them. So then they move on to another relationship, bringing the same problems along, and rinse and repeat.
I wonder what the percentage rate of second divorces are for general people, verses those of the marriages that started out as an affair.
Could the number of WOMEN filing for divorce be in direct correlation to their cheating spouses???
That was 100% why my marriage ended in divorce. Period.
[This message edited by Too_Trusting at 2:49 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)]
Instead, given what you''ve gone through, and that you have a young son, and it''s patently obvious why re-marrying anytime soon would be abhorrant to you. Who needs to justify that? Anyone (any woman you''re dating) who can''t see that isn''t worth your time. Any woman you''re dating who seeks to change your mind is immature & you know this because she still lives in the adolescent dream world of where you can "change" your partner into something he''s not. Mature women (regardless of age) don''t do that shit.
Per your actual question and anecdotally, I was miserable in my M long long long before I knew about the philandering. But it never once crossed my mind to D until I learned about the cheating. Before that, I saw my unhappiness as something to work through with him. After learning that my xWH thought nothing of risking my life? Yeah, sure, you try and murder me and damn straight I''ll file first.
[This message edited by cayc at 3:00 PM, September 17th, 2013 (Tuesday)]