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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Came to a conclusion...but ladies don't be angry
Sad in AZ
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Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 7:39 AM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In general, regardless of the whys and who is at fault and who wanted the divorce, men tend to end up getting the short end of the stick from our legal system in divorce. I think that is a factor in skewed statistics. Men are somewhat reticent to begin a process that they know will end up 'costing' them regardless of who is at fault.

Oh please!! After being on this board for a number of years, how could you even go there??


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20287 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
Strongmama
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Member # 33062
Default  Posted: 7:47 AM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I filed. Did not want to. He told me I better or he'd screw me. Sat there on the phone coldly lying there was no one else (haha) and told me he hated me and to do it. It was horrible! I'll hate him until the day his fat ass dies for how he treated me and the kids.
I'm thankful now of course that I know the truth. It was horrible, and scary and traumatizing to be treated like that, and disregarded and left like a piece of trash by the man I was married to for 13 years and had three kids with.
True; a lot more woman probably do file, but no one running those statistics have a clue about the circumstances which brought us to file.

Posts: 662 | Registered: Aug 2011
Phoenix1
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Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 7:59 AM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How about we conclude that liars lie, cheaters cheat, and the legal system is inherently unfair across the board, and gender does not predispose any outcome....


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 23,18 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet


Posts: 1191 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
tryingagain74
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Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In general, regardless of the whys and who is at fault and who wanted the divorce, men tend to end up getting the short end of the stick from our legal system in divorce.

Well, I did get primary custody of our three kids, but we didn't fight about it. We decided that was best through mediation.

However:

He got 70% of the assets.

His CS payments are not tied to his extremely lucrative investments-- only to his salary. He hasn't had a raise in ages, and for the number of years he's worked and his age, his salary is not that great. So my CS isn't that great.

He got all of the antique furniture (despite his mother saying that I should take whatever I wanted) because it was from "his" family. Funny, I thought that "his" family included his children, who live mostly with me.

We split the medical expenses 50/50 after whatever the insurance pays. Considering that he has some really nice investments, that's a joke for him. Not so much for me if very little is covered.

I got screwed in many ways. My dad kept telling me to go after things. However, the price of primary custody, keeping him off of my retirement accounts, and freeing myself from him were worth it. I'm sure that there are plenty of other women out there just like me. We're not all gold diggers dragging our exes into court and fighting them over every last penny.

What I think we should amend your statement to say is that FAITHFUL SPOUSES tend to end up getting the short end of the stick from our legal system in divorce. The fact that people are allowed to destroy their families, spend the family assets on APs, and walk away with even 50% of everything is disgusting. Perhaps if we punished unremorseful cheaters more severely during the divorce process, they'd think twice before joining Ashley Madison, hooking up with a co-worker, or trolling the Craigslist ads.

[This message edited by tryingagain74 at 8:51 AM, September 18th (Wednesday)]


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3620 | Registered: Oct 2011
Newlease
♀ Member
Member # 7767
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've read through everything on this thread. Everyone comes at this subject with a set of life experiences that will color how they feel about it.

I think most generalizations about men and women can be proven wrong. Every person is unique.

As for my experience, the women I know who got D were mostly women who either cheated or were cheated on. Two exceptions to this are: one 3rd marriage for both parties that didn't make it past 2 years because expectations didn't jibe with reality; and my SO who says they just "grew apart" (his 2nd marriage and her first).

However, I have experienced women who complained a lot about their husbands - so much so, that I wondered why they stayed married.

I was not perfectly happy in my marriage prior to the A/D, but I adjusted my expectations to meet reality. I never had thoughts of cheating or leaving.

So I think the rush to D or an A is more a function of the individual than a whole gender.

NL


Even if you can't control the world around you, you are still the master of your own soul.

Posts: 7742 | Registered: Aug 2005
Nature_Girl
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Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In general, regardless of the whys and who is at fault and who wanted the divorce, men tend to end up getting the short end of the stick from our legal system in divorce. I think that is a factor in skewed statistics. Men are somewhat reticent to begin a process that they know will end up 'costing' them regardless of who is at fault.

This is such an offensive pile of bullshit I don't even know what to say in response.

Cite your source.

Define short end of the stick.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9827 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
circe
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Member # 6687
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also think there is a 'men get screwed in divorce' factor.

In general,...[etc etc etc]...regardless of who is at fault

.

You have only to read on this forum to see how wrong you are about this. I can't even copy your words, because I don't think they need to be re-broadcast. I'm looking at your post number and trying not to judge, but thinking that you just haven't read that much here? If that's the case, I hope you just said this out of ignorance of the facts and at some point, with more reading, you'll realize how atrociously insulting it is to all the people here - women equally - who have gotten taken to the cleaners and hung out to dry in the process of divorcing a selfish POS.

I mean you're posting on a forum right now where women and men alike are fighting for equality in their divorce after being viciously betrayed by their spouse. Out of respect for everyone, this kind of statement needs to not be broadcast as fact.


Posts: 3194 | Registered: Mar 2005
JanaGreen
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Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In general, regardless of the whys and who is at fault and who wanted the divorce, men tend to end up getting the short end of the stick from our legal system in divorce

LOL I guess I'm just on the wrong end of every statistic or maybe I am a sucker who doesn't know how to get the long end, but although we didn't go through with the divorce, my H was DEFINITELY not about to get screwed over. I had been the majority breadwinner for most of our marriage while he changed careers twice and went back to school. His business was just starting to really take off, so on paper it looked like I still made more, although that was rapidly changing. If we had gone through with the divorce, he would have reaped all the benefits of my supporting him while he found his career happy and got his MBA.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6809 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
damncutekitty
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Member # 5929
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think this whole post is funny. If you want to base things all on stats, the stats show that men remarry more quickly after D than women.

Personally I always felt like overall marriage was a better deal for men than women. And since more divorced women live in poverty than divorced men, I don't think D is really all that bad for men either. Maybe because they remarry more quickly and don't have to live on one income as long?

But then that is the problem with stats, they don't paint the whole picture.


Keep calm and carry on.

Posts: 49482 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: Minneapolis
HurtsButImOK
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Member # 38865
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

might be speaking out of my hat here, don't know the facts or history.

Could the higher rate of women filing for divorce be linked to the legal right to do so being a more recently acquired one? Along the lines of higher rates of women who smoke(d), alcoholism tending to be higher in groups that have been more recently introduced to it etc.


Me: Awesome - 35.... ummm, not anymore

"I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". –Maya Angelou


Posts: 752 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Australia
doggiediva
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Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Computer belch..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 12:48 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1253 | Registered: Nov 2011
million pieces
♀ Member
Member # 27539
Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In general, regardless of the whys and who is at fault and who wanted the divorce, men tend to end up getting the short end of the stick from our legal system in divorce. I think that is a factor in skewed statistics. Men are somewhat reticent to begin a process that they know will end up 'costing' them regardless of who is at fault.

I have always heard that men tend to be financially better off after the D and women worse. I am off to find some kind of study/stats. This is just about the biggest pile of horseshit I've read. REALLY? I struggle monthly w my bills, cut way back, renting out my basement so that I can keep my house while my ex buys a new house, supports his wifetress who is pregnant and out of work and goes almost monthly on nice vacations (many out of the country). He makes 2.4 times more than me and only had to pay minimal alimony for a year despite me being out of the work force raising our kids for 8 years. I lost all but on certifications while not working and am starting my career path almost from new. I'm having to take him back to court for CS modification because the state minimum based on our current number would double his payment to me. I might not have to move if that happens.

This is not isolated. I have MANY friend that are going through a divorce or have recently gone through one. 9/10 the guy ends up the same or better. I do have one friend who isn't, but he was blindsided and agreed to a really shitty deal that he can't get out of. She really is screwing him. But the courts didn't do that to him, he signed the agreement himself.

My SO filed (gasp, he is a guy!) and their div agreement is very fair. I would LOVE to have one in place like his. He was not screwed. Just last night he agreed that I was screwed.

Off to look for evidence other than my life

[This message edited by million pieces at 11:20 AM, September 18th (Wednesday)]


Me - 42
2 kids, 9 and 12
D-Day 2/5/10, separated 3 wks later
Divorced 11/15/11!!!!

Posts: 1267 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: MD
doggiediva
♀ Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't have a penis IRL, but I might as well have one, I resemble the men more than the women in the study that you are citing..

I have been the breadwinner in our family,

My WH has been the one whose house of cards would fall if something happened to me (sickness or death)...

I have been the spouse who was unable to GUESS and meet my spouses ever-changing and unreasonable needs..

It is hard not to feel angry and bitter against man kind when going thru this kind of shit storm, I am glad that I can post here to vent..

For the moment (unless I win the lottery),
I feel trapped in this small house with my cheating WH..

When I file for D, I might as well sign up for food stamps at the same time..My WH stands to gain (financially) big time because he has nothing to begin with..I stand to lose my meager savings and up to 1/2 of my pension income that is already in payout..

I am wracking my brain for ways I can make money( passively) online.. I am an artist (in my spare time), so there might be potential for making some extra $ with the sales my art :-)

I am lucky in that I was never asked by WH to stay at home with the kids or to sacrifice my career to support anything he was up to...I was always told that we couldn't afford for me not to work..

Alert-I am climbing on to my soap box, lol :-)

Please teach your kids to have the mentality to be self sufficient and protective of their OWN welfare, not to be financially/mentally dependent on a spouse or other family member.

One cannot predict the future or be assured that nothing will happen to the bread winning spouse or family member..

I would counsel the person who is about to be married to protect himself/herself with a pre nup , and to have a separate bank account from the spouse's.. Each spouse should work/save long enough to acquire enough personal financial strength to begin rebuilding his/her life should something traumatic happen..

I would also counsel the couple to build themselves up with education, hobbies, fitness, etc so that each person has his/her own identity and likes ..

Nothing was more tiring to me than having my clingy WS depend on me for everything..There were days when I wished and enjoyed having the house and space to myself..

As an adult one should work to become as SELF sufficient as possible (mentally, physically and financially ) whether or not he/she is in a marriage..


[This message edited by doggiediva at 11:42 AM, September 18th (Wednesday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1253 | Registered: Nov 2011
million pieces
♀ Member
Member # 27539
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, many are articles. At work, will do more tonight.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2362483/Women-cope-divorce-better-men-suffer-financially.html

http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2009/jan/25/divorce-women-research

http://www.legalzoom.com/marriage-divorce-family-law/divorce/men-v-women-who-does

A difficulty in reforming marital property laws to compensate these women lies in the fact that many women, even in today's modern world, make career decisions based almost entirely on their family plans. Thus, a college professor who might have become a successful businesswoman had her family plans been different, has no way to show a court her lost earning potential. Her decision to take a lower paying job cannot be weighed by the court, since there is no real evidence of material economic damage.


Me - 42
2 kids, 9 and 12
D-Day 2/5/10, separated 3 wks later
Divorced 11/15/11!!!!

Posts: 1267 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: MD
doggiediva
♀ Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Million Pieces...I see your point and agree.. I think that the breadwinning H or W who AGREED that his/her stay at home spouse needed to be out of the work force for a number of years to take care of the kids was able to afford and support that decision at the time..

Some of us BS's have grown kids who have moved away .. We want a D but we feel trapped financially because we have INTENTIONALLY unemployed spouses who REFUSE to find work.. If the WS isn't the one who files for the D, and the WS doesn't have any assets to divide or lose in the D, then the no fault divorce laws seem supportive of him/her and make it advantageous for this person to stay unemployed

[This message edited by doggiediva at 12:50 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1253 | Registered: Nov 2011
BlueWoman
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Member # 36849
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is it's because it's so easy these days to get divorced.

All evidence in this forum to the contrary. This statement denigrates the countless people in this forum who face extreme turmoil and hardship when going through divorce.


Me: BS, 37
Many DDs over the last half of the marriage. He probably cheated all along.
Divorce is underway.

Posts: 142 | Registered: Sep 2012
Grace and Flowers
♀ Member
Member # 34431
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

THANK YOU, Blue Woman...that sentence resonated with me as well. As far as I can tell, divorce is never "easy"....for anyone. It's gut wrenching, even under the best circumstances. Amidst all the misogyny of the post, I wanted to comment on that line, and you beat me to it! But I agree with you!


I'm Happy, not Sad!

Posts: 1175 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: US
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 4:34 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think that EVERYBODY is at least a little affected by being a product of their culture, if they're being honest. I'd imagine that we all have an image of what the "perfect spouse" for us would be like to some degree, possibly even buried deep in the recesses of the brain. When it becomes an issue, I think, is when we start holding our SO accountable as measured against that imaginary standard...not only because no one can be perfect, but also because when we get married we agree to love and accept each other. If one spouse is constantly measuring the other against some imaginary yardstick, even accidentally and unconsciously, and faulting them for coming up short...then I could see how resentment might follow.

That being said, I don't believe for a second that it's a gender thing. I know just as many men who complain that their wives "don't do X, Y, or Z"....with the unspoken comparison being "....like mom used to...", as I do women who complain of men who "aren't romantic enough" with the underlying sentiment being an over-fascination with Channing Tatum movies. I'm not being sarcastic, just pointing out that the sword swings both ways.

(I'm excluding "This Is The End", in which Mr. Tatum was *excellent*)

[This message edited by FacePunched at 4:34 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)]


I keep my mind on my future/and my eyes on the sky/I don't really smile much/If you were there you'd know why.

Posts: 2169 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: City in the Midwest/Best In The Whole Wide World
Faithsurviver
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Member # 30860
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would counsel the person who is about to be married to protect himself/herself with a pre nup , and to have a separate bank account from the spouse's.. Each spouse should work/save long enough to acquire enough personal financial strength to begin rebuilding his/her life should something traumatic happen

I have to agree with that!
When I was single, before meeting XWH, I lived in the same apt building as a recently divorced middle-aged woman. She had always been dependent on her husband and his income, credit, etc, so when they got divorced, she had NO credit history of her own- couldn't even buy a used car without having her grown son co-sign on the loan
After that, I signed up for a credit card under my own name so I would have a credit history alone. When I got married, I kept that CC only in my name instead of adding XWH to it. Thank goodness I did!!!
I was able to re-establish my own credit because of that CC which made my financial life much easier.


BW (me) 51
XWH 53, but acts like a 15 y/o
M 18 yrs
DS 16, DD 14 (on D-day)
EA,PA with OW, 30 yrs his jr.
DDay 11/30/09 (DS's B-day), WH moved out 4 days later.
I filed for D-1/29/10,
DIVORCED 10/22/10
You can't reason with an NPD!!!

Posts: 337 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Midwest
Phoenix1
♀ Member
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 5:26 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

to have a separate bank account from the spouse's..

As sad as it is, my DD22 said one of the biggest life lessons she is taking away from my marital disaster is that she will never combine her money with any future partner and she will always strive to be self-sufficient. I can't fault her for thinking this because she is absolutely correct... You just never know what curve ball life will throw at you...


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 23,18 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet


Posts: 1191 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
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