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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Came to a conclusion...but ladies don't be angry
Thefly559
♂ Member
Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 6:31 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is the answer to change the dynamics of husband and wife or commitment? I think it is like going into something preparing to fail ! I believe in love still and I never stopped my stbxww from being her own person , I actually used to encourage it. I gave up all control financially , all , she ran all the financials. I made all the money , with her help. But I am confident enough to know that I could have done it without her ! But I wanted her to be pampered and secure and I gave her that control. Needless to say she robbed and hid money and raped our business in the course of her exit affair but If she was the right woman I would have been unstoppable. I believe behind every strong man there is a stronger woman. But I think if I hid money and had separate bank accounts then I would have been just like her.


"what does not kill you , makes you stronger"

Posts: 676 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 6:57 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is ridiculous. First of all, the divorce rate is at 30 percent. It peaked in the eighties at 40 percent. It was never 50 percent - that is a myth.

And college-educated women who married after the age of 24 only have a 20 percent divorce rate.

Unfortunately I'm one of them!


Posts: 1702 | Registered: Oct 2011
LadyQ
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Member # 32847
Default  Posted: 7:32 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And I beg to differ on the "men get screwed" by the courts. My x doesn't pay alimony, and found a way to not pay half his retirement, too. The only things he pays are 1/2 the marital debt and child support. Despite the fact that he makes about 4 times what I do, I still have to pay half. His income dropped by about 1/5, and mine by about 4/5. During 21 years of marriage, I gave up any hopes of a career as he was "career military" and I had to be available to my kids through multiple deployments. I'm 45 years old and I have to try to go back to school to make a decent living for me and my kids. Meanwhile, he's living the single life, being a swingin' bachelor, giving up a mere 25% of his income to his kids. Who got the short end of the stick? And FYI? I filed because he wouldn't give up his cheating, and I couldn't live with it anymore.


Tune out the noise of what others tell you about who you are and work it out for yourself...

Posts: 1650 | Registered: Jul 2011
Thefly559
♂ Member
Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 7:47 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Come on ? Gimme a break now you want to say divorce rate has to do with education. Whatever. I'll stay off this thread because it is so ridiculous. Enjoy


"what does not kill you , makes you stronger"

Posts: 676 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LadyQ, I'm with you.

Here are some stats:

The institute's research shows that, after a divorce, women's household incomes dropped significantly, especially in the first year after the split. Men, on the other hand, saw continued income growth.

The information, gathered by the Australian Institute of Family Studies, suggests that six years after a divorce, some women in the study had regained their pre-divorce income levels through re-partnering, working for pay and receiving government benefits.

The same study noted that women with dependent children, however, found it much more difficult to combine paid work with family obligations. The employment rate for women with no dependent children was far higher than the rate for women with children still at home.

These findings aren't a surprise. According to George Mason University Sociology and law professor Lenore Weitzman in her book "The Divorce Revolution," a typical woman endures a 73 percent reduction in her standard of living after a divorce. Her typical ex-husband enjoys a 42 percent increased standard of living.

That's largely because raising children is expensive and time consuming, and mothers still raise children more often than fathers do. According to a 2009 analysis by the U.S. census bureau, just 17 percent of fathers have sole custody of their minor children.

Non-custodial parents are typically ordered to pay child support, but ordering that child support and actually collecting it can be quite different things. Only 61 percent of court-ordered child support is ever paid.

According to the 2010 U.S. census, 40 percent of households headed by women live in poverty. More than half of impoverished children live with their mothers, but not their fathers.


Posts: 1702 | Registered: Oct 2011
asurvivor
♂ Member
Member # 32368
Default  Posted: 7:57 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep no question, that proves it, men are just greedy bastards and ignorant baboons. I say we chop all their nuts off...except mine of course.

Give it up boys, you're out numbered.

edited to add the baboon thing which we all agree on I assume.

[This message edited by asurvivor at 8:04 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)]


I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know.



Posts: 576 | Registered: Jun 2011
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 8:01 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Come on ? Gimme a break now you want to say divorce rate has to do with education. Whatever. I'll stay off this thread because it is so ridiculous. Enjoy

Oh dear. Divorce rates and education are most certainly conversely related.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/03/11/divorce-rate-education-conversely-related-varies-by-race_n_2854790.html


Posts: 1702 | Registered: Oct 2011
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 8:09 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

According to the 2010 U.S. census, 40 percent of households headed by women live in poverty. More than half of impoverished children live with their mothers, but not their fathers.

"Mom, are we poor now?" said my child.

Yep, we sure are. Can't afford cable, check. Can't afford to feed you breakfast & lunch, so off to the free/reduced meals at school, check. Can't afford to buy you new clothes for school, so hello charity bin at church and the 2nd hand store, check. Can't afford many treats at the grocery store, so I bought the generic treat and found a rat's footprint in the frosting, check.

But I'm not angry.

Paid less than $2,500 for my wedding, including the dress, photographer & historical wedding site. It took about 15 minutes to get the forms at the courthouse and about 20 minutes for the wedding ceremony. My bill for the divorce so far is probably close to $30,000 (I can't even bring myself to look at the bill any longer). Plus the ginormous amount for the custody evaluation. And then of course it's taken me 19 months and counting so far and I'm still not divorced.

But it's so easy to get divorced these days.

Shall I start in my lost earning power and the career I've had to give up, the one I went to college for and had my own business about? Shall we talk about that yet?

No, probably shouldn't. I might get angry. Heaven forbid a woman dare get angry.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9810 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 8:10 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ChoosingHope-

I'd be (honestly and intellectually) curious to see what the income and standard of living differences are, post-divorce, once you control for who has custody. I wonder if men who have custody still enjoy that same boost, and if women who don't get custody still see the same drop.

I know that my dad fought like hell here in Illinois for full custody and couldn't get it, despite strong evidence of infidelity and a drinking problem on my mom's part. He eventually did once my mom's health deteriorated where she couldn't handle the 5 of us any longer. His standard of living was piss-poor for a few years until his credit started to clear up and some of the associated marital debts were 100% gone....and this was all while he was making 6 figures. My mom paid $200/month in child support. This is obviously all super anecdotal, as everybody's examples are. There are situations where the man gets hosed, and situations where the woman gets hosed.

However, this-

just 17 percent of fathers have sole custody of their minor children.
-is where I think a lot of us dads get pissed. Financials aside, is there really an argument that men get screwed when it comes to the custody issue? I know it initially played a huge role in my decision to stick around.


I keep my mind on my future/and my eyes on the sky/I don't really smile much/If you were there you'd know why.

Posts: 2164 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: City in the Midwest/Best In The Whole Wide World
LadyQ
♀ Member
Member # 32847
Default  Posted: 8:42 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In my situation, my x didn't get screwed on custody, either. We have the "standard" agreement in Texas. But he has yet to exercise his Thursday night visit in the 3 years since he left. He has yet to take the kids for spring break. He has yet to take them for his 30 days in the summer. I highly doubt he takes them for half of Christmas break, either. He didn't want full custody. He didn't want 50/50. Hell, he barely wants the state minimum standard.

That's the problem when you start making generalizations. They're rarely true.


Tune out the noise of what others tell you about who you are and work it out for yourself...

Posts: 1650 | Registered: Jul 2011
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 8:54 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But he has yet to exercise his Thursday night visit in the 3 years since he left. He has yet to take the kids for spring break. He has yet to take them for his 30 days in the summer. I highly doubt he takes them for half of Christmas break, either. He didn't want full custody. He didn't want 50/50. Hell, he barely wants the state minimum standard.
I think we need to redefine our terms here. This guy^^^? NOT a man. Boy in man's clothing.


I keep my mind on my future/and my eyes on the sky/I don't really smile much/If you were there you'd know why.

Posts: 2164 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: City in the Midwest/Best In The Whole Wide World
LadyQ
♀ Member
Member # 32847
Default  Posted: 8:57 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lol, Facepunched! Maybe that's the real issue. We aren't all using the same dictionary!


Tune out the noise of what others tell you about who you are and work it out for yourself...

Posts: 1650 | Registered: Jul 2011
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 9:08 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Facepunched - I believe that statistic includes all children, whether they come from divorced families or unwed parents. It's because men leave their illegitimate children behind, especially in inner cities. You can google the statistics. They're pretty dramatic. I think that one-in-three children in the US lives without a dad, and most of this is NOT due to the courts.

Having said all that, my heart goes out to your father. I think he would do much better if he was divorcing your mother nowadays - he would probably get 50-50 custody. And it sounds like things would have been far better for his children if he did.

I think that the real problem with the courts now is that they are biased against SAHMs. They assume that women can automatically get back on their feet after years of staying at home. One or two years of alimony is not enough for women to get themselves back in the workplace and earning anything near what their husbands are earning. Because their husbands didn't give up years of their careers to take care of children. Almost every SAHM I know has had a significant decrease in her standard of living. And the kids are the ones who are hurt.


Posts: 1702 | Registered: Oct 2011
circe
♀ Member
Member # 6687
Default  Posted: 9:20 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

is there really an argument that men get screwed when it comes to the custody issue? I know it initially played a huge role in my decision to stick around.

Don't know. My exH moved to the other side of the country before our divorce went through and didn't see our son for years, so it wasn't an issue, and my current H was given 50/50 custody of my stepdaughter. My two sisters shared 50/50 custody with their ex husbands.

I know there are some fathers that are screwed out of custody, and some mothers right here on SI whose children were similarly taken from them.

I really don't understand the need to be declared the Biggest Victim in the divorce arena. What does that bring you? Most of us here have been victimized by someone we love/d, but this is a supportive place where we're all in it together and here to help each other. Pointing at half the SI population and saying the entire gender is at fault doesn't do much but get everyone angry and defensive. I don't think the people just trying to get through each day and heal from the things they've been subjected to really need that.


Posts: 3193 | Registered: Mar 2005
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 9:23 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think that the real problem with the courts now is that they are biased against SAHMs. They assume that women can automatically get back on their feet after years of staying at home. One or two years of alimony is not enough for women to get themselves back in the workplace and earning anything near what their husbands are earning. Because their husbands didn't give up years of their careers to take care of children. Almost every SAHM I know has had a significant decrease in her standard of living. And the kids are the ones who are hurt.

^^^^^ This is the gospel truth.

I'd also like to point out something about the 17% of dads getting sole custody, and how it might be perceived as unfair. I think we need to acknowledge which parent is usually the primary caregiver in our society. It's the mothers. I have never seen a study supporting the position that men carry the bulk of the childcare issues. So while I completely acknowledge that there are awesome & wonderful dads out there, I think it's disingenuous to take the 17% statistic and say it actually means men are getting screwed. Generally speaking, moms & dads don't have equal roles in taking care of kids even in intact, loving families.

I think the family court system is entirely f-ed up.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9810 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 9:32 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really don't understand the need to be declared the Biggest Victim in the divorce arena.

Agreed. The only reason I keep chiming in is because I will never again sit quietly by while men talk nonsense about women.

Everyone here has been royally fucked by their cheating spouse. My heart goes out to everyone here regardless of gender. I've tried hard to be supportive of both men & women here. Therefore it's shocking & appalling when a man or two come on here & start spouting hurtful shit. About women.

[This message edited by Nature_Girl at 9:33 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)]


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9810 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
cruelty
New Member
Member # 35951
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have never seen a woman come out better financially than her ex after a divorce. Maybe that's true for the well off? I've only seem lots if single moms struggling to keep up the basics.
I only have my life experience, which has made me question why anyone would get married
"I can do bad all by myself" Mary J Blige


"The trick to forgetting the big picture is to look at everything close up" -Chuck Palahniuk

Posts: 33 | Registered: Jun 2012
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Facepunched - I believe that statistic includes all children, whether they come from divorced families or unwed parents. It's because men leave their illegitimate children behind, especially in inner cities. You can google the statistics. They're pretty dramatic. I think that one-in-three children in the US lives without a dad, and most of this is NOT due to the courts.
I certainly do not want to minimize the plight of unwed women with kids whose fathers abandoned them, because that's a tragic epidemic all it's own...but for the purpose of what we're discussing here (i.e. divorced mothers/wives and their standard of living), doesn't this skew the results?
Having said all that, my heart goes out to your father. I think he would do much better if he was divorcing your mother nowadays - he would probably get 50-50 custody. And it sounds like things would have been far better for his children if he did.
Maybe you're right. But this was only like 13 years ago, 2000. Again, it's definitely possible...I don't know enough divorced people (or the laws) to know.
I really don't understand the need to be declared the Biggest Victim in the divorce arena. What does that bring you? Most of us here have been victimized by someone we love/d, but this is a supportive place where we're all in it together and here to help each other. Pointing at half the SI population and saying the entire gender is at fault doesn't do much but get everyone angry and defensive. I don't think the people just trying to get through each day and heal from the things they've been subjected to really need that.
Agreed. I think we all come out worse for wear when is stops being about WS/BS and starts being about men vs. women. It's easy, cheap, simple, and usually garbage.


I keep my mind on my future/and my eyes on the sky/I don't really smile much/If you were there you'd know why.

Posts: 2164 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: City in the Midwest/Best In The Whole Wide World
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 9:49 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Agreed. The only reason I keep chiming in is because I will never again sit quietly by while men talk nonsense about women.
I can respect that. I feel the same way when I read posts about 'EU' guys that just sound like normal dudes to me, or when I see a post where a BW mentions that she smacked her WH (even in a remorseful sense) and is greeted by the internet support group equivalent of "You go, girl." I just can't sit idly by.

Also, I think the OP was doing a fair bit of trolling as well...and we all bit.

ETA: This is not really a forum I usually post in, but the topic caught my attention.

[This message edited by FacePunched at 9:50 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)]


I keep my mind on my future/and my eyes on the sky/I don't really smile much/If you were there you'd know why.

Posts: 2164 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: City in the Midwest/Best In The Whole Wide World
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 9:53 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know what an EU guy is. European Union?

And I agree about violence of any kind and trolls.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9810 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
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