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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: being the OW...how do you handle it?
Alyssamd24
♀ Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Since the A I have focused on my role as the WW and how my actions have affected those closest to me..mainly my BH but also our DD, our families, and our friends. I have begun to realize how selfish my actions were and am trying to work on bettering myself and fixing my M.

But because I recently confronted xaps BW, I am just now starting to focus on my role as the OW and how my actions have affected her...although she didn't believe me and is buying into his lies, I know that what I told her still shook her world up and has affected her negatively. I wish I could make her believe me, but know this is impossible. She asked me why she should believe me but I had no answer for her, and I had no proof for her.

When we spoke she asked me what made me think it was ok to go after another woman's husband, and I had no answer for her because I knew it wasn't ok. As with everyone else I have hurt, I have no good reason or justification for my actions.

I saw my xaps BW on a regular basis, and she knew me which must make it even harder. She handed her child to me in the mornings, and trusted me to take care of him. When I think of this now it makes me sick to my stomach, so I can only imagine how she must feel.

I also keep thinking of a conversation she and I had when they told us she is pregnant with their second child....I congratulated her and told her I hope they have a girl cuz I am sure she will be beautiful. Those words hurt me to say, cuz I was dealing with my own (insane) feelings of them having another child. Although I did mean it when I said it to her, it makes me cringe now, cuz I can only imagine what she thinks about it.

I have been reading recently a lot of posts in the BS forums about facing the OW and interactions with the OW. It shocks me that some of the OW treat the BW the way they do, and I can't understand it. When I think of what I have done to the BW I feel only remorse and sadness, and would not want to hurt her anymore than I have.

Before our conversation ended she told me my apologies meant nothing to her, and to leave her and her family alone. I understand her reaction, but still want her to know that I am sorry and full of remorse for what I have done. I hate myself for doing that to another woman, and am still shocked that I did do it.

Although my main focus should be on my BH and our M, I feel this is something I also need to work on and deal with. But I don't know how if she doesn't want me to contact her, rightfully so. If this were a normal situation where I had hurt someone, I would apologize and explain myself. But I can't do that, so how do I work through the guilt, anger, sadness, and shame I am feeling for what I have done to her?


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 743 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
Kelany
♀ Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is no explaining yourself to her. Seriously, there is no explanation that will ever be good enough for her to say to you "Oh, okay! Well, I accept your apology then!"

I've read your posts from the beginning. You continued the A until just recently. Are you sure that some of your feelings aren't because you're still wanting to some how reach out to your AP, even if it's through her? Like maybe if you make it up enough to her, he may not hate you as much? Or that he may look at you favorably?

The kindest thing you can do for her is leave her alone. Don't initiate contact under the guise of an apology. No reaching out to her to assuage your own guilt, because frankly, there is no way to lessen that in her eyes.

Work on YOU, work on YOUR MARRIAGE. Your still focusing way too much on them, which still keeps HIM at the forefront of your mind. It's good that you feel remorse for what you've done, however you need to channel that into yourself and your husband.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
Alyssamd24
♀ Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Samantha,
Thanks for the input. I know that nothing I will ever say will make it ok and that contacting her will only make it worse which is why I haven't contacted her and will not.

Yes I did just recently end my A but my feelings have nothing to do with him. I am sure he hates me and I accept that. The only reason I would have to talk to him is to let him know what a disgusting coward I think he is. When everything recently came out it finally helped me to see how fake our "relationship" was and finally opened my eyes to who he really is.

My remorse towards her is just that....the negative feelings I have toward myself for what I did to her...I think that in order to do work on my M and my self this is something I do need to focus on...it's hard to explain...I guess I need to come to terms that I am the despised OW that everyone hates. I need to identify that aspect of myself and figure out how to accept it and change it. Does that make any sense?


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 743 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
Kelany
♀ Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, to a point it does. I guess what I'm wondering is...what is your motivation behind it.

*IF* you were to be able to talk to the BS, why would you do it? To sincerely hope it would help her? Or to assuage your guilt? That's more what I was trying to get at I guess.

I think what you need to learn to accept more? Is that she will always look at you as the "bad guy" who helped destroy her marriage, and nothing but. Not everyone in life is going to like you, unfortunately. And sadly, this is one of the consequences of your actions. It sucks. I honestly do get that. I see in my husbands eyes now that he GETS it, how much shame he lives with. Yet you can't go so far into that role of shame that it derails you from the work you need to do on you and your marriage. If you sit and lament over his BS over and over and over, it will cause you to loose sight of the work you need to be doing.

I think it's great that your acknowledging the hurt you caused her. It shows introspection. But also know that there is nothing you can do FOR her. Her husband has to mend that wound, not you. You can only fix you and work on your marriage and repairing it, and helping your spouse heal.

Does that make better sense?


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
tryingmybest2011
♀ Member
Member # 32584
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand her reaction, but still want her to know that I am sorry and full of remorse for what I have done.

Hi Allysa.

Your remorse will have to be something you carry and/or deal with on your own. I infer from your post that you wish to atone your poor choices to make yourself feel better, as you are ashamed that you would do that to "another woman".

I can understand the frustration and anxiety of not being able to fix what you've broken - not being able to right a wrong. When I feel this way, as I have a few times, it has almost always been about making myself feel better.

True remorse will prompt you to focus on your own marriage, and respect her wishes. Shame and guilt will drive you to contact her to explain herself.

My take, anyhow.


BS: me - 37
WH: him - 37
DD: 8
DD: 11 mos

Married over 9 years, together for 18.

DD#1: 12/12/10 - LTA of 3 years, 2 mos.
DD#2: 02/02/11 - 2 EA/PA with coworkers, a month after the LTA was ended (by OW).

In limbo.


Posts: 321 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Ontario Canada
heforgotme
♀ Member
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

how do I work through the guilt, anger, sadness, and shame I am feeling for what I have done to her?

Write her a letter. And then never mail it.

I know it sounds simplistic, but getting it down on paper helps somehow.


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1065 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
Alyssamd24
♀ Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes that does make more sense. I understand what you mean about not losing sight of the main goal, which is the relationship between myself and my H.

I know she will always hate me for what I did and I accept that because like you said, its a consequence of my actions.

In response to your question why would I do it? Because I want her to know the truth. I don't know what lies he told her, but I know they were good enough that she supported him when he told my boss I was lying and trying to blackmail him. I want her to know who she is really married to.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 743 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
womaninflux
♀ Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AMD-

My situation is different in that I know who the AP is but I don't know her personally. It would be inappropriate for her to approach me in this manner...she was an adult (28) when the A started, so she was old enough to know better.

I'm not sure what your goal is for approaching the BS. I don't think any good is going to come ---for anyone involved---if you continue to contact the BW, even to offer an apology. You are still making this about YOU, to ease YOUR conscience.

So you need to back off, reset your boundaries, and do not cross them again. It really is best for you, too.


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 855 | Registered: Jun 2013
Kelany
♀ Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay, you want her to know the truth.

Why?

You've already told her. Its her choice to believe it or not. You have to let go of the outcome.

If you want her to know because you want him to pay for the affair like you have, and to feel pain like you have, again...let go of the outcome. Its not in your control.

What matters only is your actions and reactions.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
Simple
♀ Member
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I rarely post here if at all, but I just want to say to you what I've told the other BW out there: The other person or couple doesn't matter. They are not part of the marriage hence no time or effort is worth going that direction. The only responsibility you have, whether OW or BW is to out the A and you did your job. So consider yourself done.

IMO I am feeling that you're similar to my FWH in a way that he's afraid of people thinking badly of him. He's such a people-pleaser that it pains him to have someone hate him or reject him. I'm glad he got over it cause that's one of the main issues he had that helped cause so many affairs. The feeling of looking good and being thought of as a nice person by as many people as possible if you feel your own spouse thinks so low of you. Pleasing people in my world is a bad coping mechanism. Please be careful and don't fall into that.

Focus on your BH. All that matters is him. He's the only one besides you in that marriage. Pride, AP's BW, AP, etc. is not part of that marriage.

Remember that the opposite of "love" or "obsession" is not hate or anger. It's indifference. Strive for that for the AP. I don't think your there yet and that will hurt your BH even more if it takes too long for you to get there.

More power to you.


Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.


Posts: 927 | Registered: Mar 2008
SandAway
♀ Member
Member # 37775
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

being the OW...how do you handle it?

I don't. I concentrate on the damage I have done in my own M, not the OM's. I rarely even think of myself as the OW; the only time I do is when I read the JFO forum and the BS's are going on about what a horrible person the OW is. I cringe and think that is me, yet I know that I am not a horrible person. It was a really f'ed up chapter in my life. I have made changes and continue to make changes that make me a better person then I was during my A. My BH is the only person who really matters in my life. Not the OBS. I just do not have the energy to worry about her.

Respect the OBW and forget about your role in her life. Concentrate on your BH & your M.


fWW
BH Tred
M 16yrs
DDay Nov. 2011

Guns don't kill people; Affairs kill people


Posts: 431 | Registered: Dec 2012
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Respect the OBW and forget about your role in her life
This! I would be so much better off if the OW would just leave us alone. Now, I know the difference is that you want to apologize and show remorse, whereas, the OW in our case fished and stalked for 8 years after. But, really, the best (at least for me) way for the BS's to heal are for the AP's to go away and never bother them again. Never. Bother. Them. Again.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9408 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
musiclovingmom
♀ Member
Member # 38207
Default  Posted: 5:28 PM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I knew 2 of the OW well. One babysat for us when we went on dates (yes, while she was sleeping with my H). I used to think I wanted an apology from both of them. I have since realized, it wouldn't do a single thing to change how I feel about them. Period. In fact, it would probably just make me more angry. I know I would see it as a way for them to make themselves feel better or try to reinstate a friendship with me (and therefore a clear path back to my H). You really want her to have a better image of you, follow through on what you told her you would do - stay NC with her and her H. Period. Write down your apology to her if you must, but I'd consider writing an apology to your BH instead. Then work on fixing what it was that allowed you to make those choices so that you don't ever become the OW again.

Posts: 1008 | Registered: Jan 2013
Alyssamd24
♀ Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 5:33 PM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for all your responses. I feel like although I understand what you are saying thats not what I meant. Maybe I said it wrong or am just taking it the wrong way. But I still appreciate the responses


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 743 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 8:37 PM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If this were a normal situation where I had hurt someone, I would apologize and explain myself. But I can't do that, so how do I work through the guilt, anger, sadness, and shame I am feeling for what I have done to her?
Yeah, I guess no one really addressed this. And, I am sorry, I really don't have the answer. The better qualified to answer this question would be actual waywards. However, I feel it is something that should be addressed in IC if you are doing IC. I am sure they will have some good advice.

I would think that you would have to accept and then forgive yourself for what you have done. Make sure that you are working on those issues that allowed you to do what you did. Make sure you aren't "that" person ever again. As SandAway said:

I have made changes and continue to make changes that make me a better person then I was
It isn't up to the OBS to help you heal. It is up to you. Good luck!


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9408 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
SandAway
♀ Member
Member # 37775
Default  Posted: 8:52 PM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

how do I work through the guilt, anger, sadness, and shame I am feeling for what I have done to her?

You don't worry about her. I know that sounds horrible, but you have to forget about her just like your AP. You need to really work towards 'indifference' with both of them. Don't worry about what she thinks of you - does it really matter?

Have you read any books? 'Not Just Friends' or 'Emotional Infidelity'? or any of the other recommendations? I really think they will help you start down the healing path.

I just hate seeing you put so much energy into the OBW. You just need to accept that they are in your past and keep moving forward.

How are things with your BH now that you are living at home again?


fWW
BH Tred
M 16yrs
DDay Nov. 2011

Guns don't kill people; Affairs kill people


Posts: 431 | Registered: Dec 2012
sunnyrain
♀ Member
Member # 30164
Default  Posted: 8:59 PM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

*

[This message edited by sunnyrain at 10:07 PM, December 28th (Saturday)]


Posts: 333 | Registered: Nov 2010
metamorphisis
♀ Administrator
Member # 12041
Default  Posted: 9:52 PM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Because I want her to know the truth. I don't know what lies he told her, but I know they were good enough that she supported him when he told my boss I was lying and trying to blackmail him. I want her to know who she is really married to.

Alyssamd24,
Based upon your recent posts, I can only say that this is one more way to keep the affair going. And your desire for her to "know who she's married to" is a pretty way of saying "If I am this miserable then he better be too."
Your only hope of healing from this is to stop inserting yourself into their marriage, especially in ways you trick yourself into believing are for the *right* reasons. Leave them alone. Both of them.
I truly believe that this is just one more way of keeping this going in some way. There is no fixing yourself that will come from them. It's up to you.



“We don't see things as they are; we see them as we are.”... Anais Nin

Posts: 43988 | Registered: Sep 2006
RippedSoul
♀ Member
Member # 40055
Default  Posted: 12:55 AM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe I should just say nothing, but . . .

It shocks me that some of the OW treat the BW the way they do, and I can't understand it.

What I can't understand is f---ing another woman's husband. Ever. Not in a million years. "Some" of the OW? Every OW I've ever heard of has--along with the wayward husband--betrayed another woman, ripped out her heart, torn apart her world, shattered the peace of her children, destroyed her self-esteem, possibly given her an STD. And those are the "nice" ones, like you.

You made a decision--an excruciatingly poor one--to wear the scarlet OW letters around your neck for life. They're there FOREVER. With a lot of work, they may fade. For your sake, I hope they do. But every, single time some other woman you love is devastated by an OW--perhaps even your own sister or your own daughter--you'll cringe knowing how you contributed to their pain. That's your life burden.

Mine? It's to try to trust a man again--my husband in particular.

So leave her alone. It's in her best long-term interest to forgive you someday, but unless you intend for her to use your face as a dart board, I suggest you stay far away.


BW: 49; SLAWH: 46; M: 23 yrs
DD#1--11/30/12 (prostitute #1)
DD#2--1/29/13 (AP, escorts #1 & #2)
DD#3--9/13 (trolling MILF site)
DD#4--10/8/13 (EA with AP cont'd)
DD: 20; DD: 18; DS: 16; DS: 14
PS: I've NEVER NOT edited my posts

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
Trying33
♀ Member
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 5:31 AM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Alyssa,

With all due respect I suggest you start a thread with the stop sign with specific questions and your personal thoughts.

Other waywards will be able to share their experiences in what might feel a more secure and safer forum. Like one poster said, the issues you are going through right now would be better understood by other ww's who might be better equipped to guide and help you.

Just my opinion,


Posts: 361 | Registered: Mar 2013
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