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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Cum stain! In my bed!! Trigger and what the hell?
MrsDoubtfire
♀ Member
Member # 24786
Suspicious  Posted: 1:26 PM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, the bed covers were folded over as usual so it's not as though FWH tried to hide it but..... euck!

He's obviously pulled the old dick before work and not realised he's left his 'wad'!!

So I come home and hey presto!!

Huge trigger as he used to masturbate a lot during his A and- whilst there are no flags to suggest he's cheating again- I am still really really pissed at him!

He's out with his sports buddies at the moment so I have changed the bed and left the linen on our bedroom floor...

and am now triggering as he said earlier he would do the wash tomorrow as the weather is meant to be ok- which is nothing unusual- but even that innocuous remark has triggered me!

and


After all this time something like this happens- meh!


BS(Me) FWH(Him) DDay 05.09
A went underground. True R 02.10
I won't let another woman reap the benefit of enjoying the man my H has now become†

Posts: 1563 | Registered: Jul 2009
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am sorry you are triggering. Are you going to explain to FWH about this trigger? Besides just being kind of icky for you to find.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9414 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
MrsDoubtfire
♀ Member
Member # 24786
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh yes!!

When he gets in I aim to let him know that it is a trigger and why.

I guess the good thing is I haven't called him to shout him out or sent him an abusive text! I am calmly waiting for him to get in and will then tell him how his failure to clean up triggered me!

*sigh* and meh!


BS(Me) FWH(Him) DDay 05.09
A went underground. True R 02.10
I won't let another woman reap the benefit of enjoying the man my H has now become†

Posts: 1563 | Registered: Jul 2009
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 2:09 PM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That is progress, isn't it MrsD? Yes, try to stay calm and matter of fact. Hopefully, he will step up and own it (ewww! ) and make sure this doesn't happen again.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9414 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
MrsDoubtfire
♀ Member
Member # 24786
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hopefully, he will step up and own it (ewww! ) and make sure this doesn't happen again.

You know when something that is more icky than major just makes your head fall off?

Your comment has me laughing at my post and suddenly I am back off the ceiling!


BS(Me) FWH(Him) DDay 05.09
A went underground. True R 02.10
I won't let another woman reap the benefit of enjoying the man my H has now become†

Posts: 1563 | Registered: Jul 2009
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good!


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9414 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
sunnyrain
♀ Member
Member # 30164
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand that it was a trigger for you, but I don't understand why you feel the need to reprimand or embarrass him?

IMHO, masturbation is a healthy, acceptable way to release a little pent up energy.


Posts: 333 | Registered: Nov 2010
SorrowBhindSmile
♀ Member
Member # 38139
Default  Posted: 6:55 PM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I dont think its about embarrassing him or reprimanding him. Its about expressing that a behavior is causing a massive trigger and WHY.

Masturbation is a trigger for many. For me as well. It was a HUGE factor leading up to the A...masturbation and porn. WH was obsessed with it. So i can totally understand and relate to how this would be a very troubling find for MrsD. If i came home and found that i'd be pissed too.


Me: BW
Him: WH
OW: My former "dear friend"/neighbor
Married 20+
Kids: 3
D-Day 12/2012
Committed to R 7/8/2013
"Believe in yourself and all that you are. Know that there is something inside you that is greater than any obstacle"

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2013
sunnyrain
♀ Member
Member # 30164
Default  Posted: 8:24 PM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, like I said, I understand that it is a trigger. IMHO, part of reconciliation is learning how to manage triggers and not allowing them to cripple you, or your spouse, for life.

Is her H allowed to masturbate? If so, is it only OK if he hides it from her?

Maybe "pulling the old dick" before work, as Mrs D put it, just means he's comfortable in his own home, in his own bed, with his own wife?

Don't we want our men to be comfortable with and around us? Just a thought.


Posts: 333 | Registered: Nov 2010
SorrowBhindSmile
♀ Member
Member # 38139
Default  Posted: 9:38 PM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I dont think any BS intends to let triggers cripple them for life. But triggers are crippling for a BS, in ways that a WS can not understand. Some triggers are easy to work thru...others, not so much...especially acts that are directly related to the affair.

Part of overcoming and managing triggers is bringing them to light, discussing them, discussing why its a trigger and finding ways to cope together. Hopefully it wont be a trigger in the future. But for now, when it still is a trigger, support, understanding and time.

[This message edited by SorrowBhindSmile at 9:47 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)]


Me: BW
Him: WH
OW: My former "dear friend"/neighbor
Married 20+
Kids: 3
D-Day 12/2012
Committed to R 7/8/2013
"Believe in yourself and all that you are. Know that there is something inside you that is greater than any obstacle"

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2013
summerain
♀ Member
Member # 37439
Default  Posted: 10:04 PM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

that is so disgusting. Gross.

BTW I just want to put it out there sunnyrain, that I have a whole "we don't talk about that stuff". I personally don't like to think about it and would be majorly pissed to find that.

Also, personally I would find that disrecspectful. I can't believe he wouldn't at least put it in the washing machine


OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 818 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
sunnyrain
♀ Member
Member # 30164
Default  Posted: 10:08 PM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SBS, I've been the BS. I know and understand the pain. I also know and understand the pain of holding on to triggers for too long.

I do, however, apologize if my words pained you. It is not my intent to cause distress.

[This message edited by sunnyrain at 10:10 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 333 | Registered: Nov 2010
sunnyrain
♀ Member
Member # 30164
Default  Posted: 10:16 PM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BTW I just want to put it out there sunnyrain, that I have a whole "we don't talk about that stuff". I personally don't like to think about it and would be majorly pissed to find that.

I don't normally talk about it either.

Maybe I am the only woman on earth that's not disgusted?


Posts: 333 | Registered: Nov 2010
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 10:27 PM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe "pulling the old dick" before work, as Mrs D put it, just means he's comfortable in his own home, in his own bed, with his own wife?

Don't we want our men to be comfortable with and around us? Just a thought.

I dunno, I am pretty comfortable about that shit around my wife but I think getting pissed off about blowing a load onto the sheets and leaving it there is the kind of reaction I'd expect. I mean I'd be kind of pissed if I sat on a bloody tampon or something.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7370 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
sunnyrain
♀ Member
Member # 30164
Default  Posted: 10:44 PM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bloody tampon? Now that's just gross! But point taken. Do not sit on H's side of the bed.

Posts: 333 | Registered: Nov 2010
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 10:59 PM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is her H allowed to masturbate?

Ummm....yea maybe. But don't leave the *evidence* just lying around...on the bed....where she sleeps. Especially when it is a triggery issue and he knows it....


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7706 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Dark Inertia
Member
Member # 30727
Default  Posted: 11:41 PM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe I am the only woman on earth that's not disgusted?

I suppose it depends on where it comes from. I don't think my SO's cum is disgusting. If he jizzed on our sheets and didn't clean it up I would be slightly annoyed, but wouldn't think it disgusting.

Now a stranger's cum, I would probably be a bit put off.

[This message edited by Dark Inertia at 11:43 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)]


"If I listened earlier, I wouldn't be here. But that's just the trouble with me. I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it."

Posts: 1177 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: The Ohio
MrsDoubtfire
♀ Member
Member # 24786
Default  Posted: 4:29 AM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Phew- I'm glad I waited for him to come home and talk about the fact I triggered and didn't blow him out purely on evidence as I was mistaken.

FWH came in and I just said I had to change the sheet cos you left your cum on it and explained that it triggered me as it made me think of his behaviour during the A and he opened his bedside drawer to show me a leaking plastic bottle of body cream that he uses. He'd inadvertently sat on it and it cracked and leaked onto the bed. Hence the "cum" stain. He didn't have time to change the sheet before work hence the comment about doing the washing! Boy do I feel embarrassed!

He did chuckle and say I should always smell any future deposits as its quite a fruity cream and yes- he was telling the truth

But- to answer your questions:

I don't have any objection to him masturbating. It was simply the fact I was pissed at the thought he would do so and not clean it up as THAT is disrespectful.

We talk about everything and so- when I saw what I thought was cum on the bed- I was sent back to A time as he used to masturbate a lot instead of engage with me and that caused conflict as I didn't know about the A and confused by his actions.

He very rarely masturbates now as he prefers to save it for me but if he did he wouldn't feel embarrassed to tell me and I wouldn't be annoyed. I would only object if he decided that was preferable to having sex with me KWIM?

I realise this topic is tricky as we all have differing opinions on what we as a couple will accept and hope I didn't offend anyone with posting it.

Just to clarify. It was the perceived disrespect I objected to and the way it triggered me back to his A period.

And yes SisterMillshake- I am sooo pleased I am at a place where I waited to talk to him instead of jumping in at the deep end



Is her H allowed to masturbate? If so, is it only OK if he hides it from her?

Maybe "pulling the old dick" before work, as Mrs D put it, just means he's comfortable in his own home, in his own bed, with his own wife?

:

I've answered most of these but yes- FWH is comfortable in his home and bed and with me his wife. It's a great place to be. We have both worked hard to get here.

I mean I'd be kind of pissed if I sat on a bloody tampon or something.

Euwwww


BS(Me) FWH(Him) DDay 05.09
A went underground. True R 02.10
I won't let another woman reap the benefit of enjoying the man my H has now become†

Posts: 1563 | Registered: Jul 2009
Topic Posts: 18

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