#3. All I wanted was the attention that you weren't giving to me.
That one pisses me off the most. I'll spare you the long drawn out reasons
#5 - "He's(OM) really a good guy. I just think he is having a midlife crisis or something."
#7 You would like him.
#8 I wasn't in love with him. I was just having a little fling. It was nothing.
#9 Aren't you over it yet?
#10 I didn't want to do anything to hurt our marriage.
Dammit, Stillkicking stole mine. Now I'm going to have to think of another one. Here goes:
#11: Quote to OM in a FB message: "I don't want this to impact my 'real life'."
Fricking awesome video, by the way, Mr. Kite. That bass playing was unreal.
ETA: Had to edit my #, and also I completely changed my mind on what I wanted my quote/contribution to be.
[This message edited by LosferWords at 10:44 AM, September 20th (Friday)]
In your own time you will come to realize that it really wasn't about who the OM really was as much as it was about you wifes own fuckupedness within herself.
Any man that screws around with another man's wife, whether in an EA or PA, is not worthy of comparison to a man of honor, faithfulness and integrity.
jealous that this actually works for you
Mind you, it ONLY works with vacuuming the carpets. It helps that she has a weird OC fetish for clean carpets. A stain on the carpet almost put her in a straight jacket.
For a majority of the marriage I would say that I actually did more around the house than her. Then during the time the A was active she did almost nothing, rarely cleaned, weeks would go by before she helped me with dishes, zero laundry, you get the picture (that's changed now that she trying to make things good.) But dishes, cooking, general cleaning, etc... no dice gets me no where. Good to know one of her Achilles heels I guess.
How do I finally achieve acceptance?
I think this is a tricky question to answer depending on your definition of acceptance.
My take: I will NEVER accept what she did. I will NEVER forget. However I might accept that its time to move forward. If she does the right things, says the right things, and I want to stay in the marriage, then I won't let it be the central theme to the marriage.
Fact is, the relationship will never be the same. the genie is out, and that bitch won't go back in the bottle. Doesn't mean we can't have a good marriage moving forward. I don't know if I will ever just let it go, but somewhere on the road I have to find a balance. I don't have that balance now, so can't tell you how to find it, but I hope I can, hope you can, hope we all can. Not sure if that helps or not.
As far as comparing, I did this a lot at first, even though I knew he was a dirtbag to begin with. The thing to realize it that anyone that would actively seek out a married women ain't worth that shit you stepped in on the bottom of your shoe. The minute they go after a married women they should have to trade in their man card for a bitch card. They are unhappy, immature, selfish people desperately looking for outside validation that they are worthwhile. They have NO honor. It's hard, really hard, but you should stop comparing now. Posers aren't worth the time. Let them be, to wallow in their world of shit.
Really sorry you have to be here Houston, but if its male support your looking for you found the right place.
#12 I never intended to leave the marriage.
#13 You knew things were bad for us, what did you think was going on?
(like it was my job to know she was fucking someone else and should have put a stop to it, to prove I loved her or something, don't know, still haven't figured this one out.)
OH wait wait one of my favorites......
#14 I never stopped loving you
[This message edited by DefiledRage at 11:04 AM, September 20th (Friday)]
Mister rabbit says, "A moment of realization is worth a thousand prayers."
#16 (paraphrasing) He's much better in the sack than you are/ was not sexually fulfilled
#17 He was the man I was tricked into thinking you were (that one, unfortunately, is almost word for word)
#18 It felt good to be needed by somebody
She is ashamed of those things now but those, some others and a lot of the ones already provided were things I heard during the A and immediately after it.
Holy fuck my head wanted to spin off and fly away at that one
[This message edited by 1985 at 11:40 AM, September 20th (Friday)]
I still compare myself to him. Was he bigger, better, more manly.....
The oldest literature in the English language deals with these questions and considers them unimportant. I am of course referring to Beowulf, and his comparison too Grendel. Grendel is much larger, feared by everyone because he is so great, and apparently much more manly. Beowulf is the hero of the story, and after dispatching Grendel goes on to other great things.
Do not back up. Severe tire damage.
#24 all we ever did was talk about life, we have so much in common.
Well no shit, he was playing you like a cheap hillbilly fiddle
I reserve my right to feel uncomfortable reserve my right to be afraid.
I make mistakes and I am humbled every step of the way.
I remember the way she smelled. It drove me crazy. My whole chest would feel like it was on fire and I wanted to grab her and hold her tighter. I remember the way her hair felt and how it was like bolts of.. I don't even know the fuck what, when she touched me anywhere. I can remember the way the fabric of a dress she wore felt under my hand, the way she looked at me, the way she looked in a sundress. Being overwhelmingly amazed someone so beautiful and intelligent would so much as fucking notice my scruffy underachieving stupid ass. Her voice. So much her voice.
It's not that I forgot these things. I try to not think about them. Because I don't like reality snaking its fingers back through time and memory to steal away what I got to have from that. I want to die and have those flash in front of me as I go as untainted as I can keep them. That's a fucking fools errand but if I'm not the biggest fucking fool on this stupid fucking planet then props to the guy in front of me in line.
So there are some feelings and shit, gonna go kill some fucking aliens or something.
#25 He never did anything to make me mad (that one really pisses me off – of course he did not because he only wanted one thing from her and making nice was the way to get it – duh)
#26 I needed more attention (yeah me too)
eta – we have old fashion work split roles in our family out of conscious choices we made. I had the aptitude, ability and drive to make it in my career and she wanted to support that and then become a SAHM. These were choices we made together. Early on she was going to go back to school and I was going to scale back, but then we decided to have kids and I had opportunities to make more $ so see decided to take this path to the old fashion SAHM / working dad roles. I remember when the opportunity came up we discussed it at length and she was so supportive of it. Funny this is when the A ended. I think I need to chew on this a bit but I don’t really want to think about it anymore today
[This message edited by foundoutlater at 12:28 PM, September 20th (Friday)]
#27 (In response to why she did it) "I don't know"
[This message edited by ontheslope at 12:23 PM, September 20th (Friday)]
She wants answers... I'm still trying to figure out what the questions are.
Hey man sorry. For me working on these things have helped me the most
Separating out things you can control versus things you can't. For example I can't control the weather. I can control my reaction to the weather. I can take steps to protect myself from the weather, but I can't change it. It will change on it's own.
Working on my own self esteem. This led me to the belief that in my W world her own brokenness caused this. There was nothing I did that caused this. It is 100% her fault. If I never met her and she had M someone else this would likely be the same result.
I needed my W to understand my pain. To see how much this hurt me. I told her, wrote her letters and ignored her when she wasn't receptive. She in turn had to share with me how much damage she had caused and the feelings that come with that. While remorseful WS don't have the pain we do, they do experience some.
Sometimes you have to be willing to burn a village to save it. I spent time thinking about my life without my W, my M, etc. I saw me there and I could visualize that I would be happy. At times I had a foot and one half out the door. At those times my W put in a super effort to show me why I would want to stay and why I wasn't a chump for agreeing to a second chance.
I know I got more, but those are the ones that came to mind when I read your note.
Also to add to Treds pile, not unique but,
#28 I thought you were going to leave/cheat on me.
So following that rationale, she assumed I was a scumbag and decided she was going to out scumbag me ?
It is great to see just how low of an opinion she had of me and how little she valued everything we had and what I did for her. Wow.
PS- In her (minor) defense when I told her that she cried so hard she had to throw up.
DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.
Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.
I got that one too. If that is what loving me is to you, I don't want it.
ETA: I want to thank you guys for making me want to punch a hole in my monitor. I had actually forgotten that my STBXW said some of this shit to me. I'm good now though.
[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 1:40 PM, September 20th (Friday)]
#30. He listened to me.
#31. I wanted an escape.
#32. It felt like a separate life.
#33. I was so stupid.
ETA - This was her response to me saying that it must have been hard to try and keep up with all the lies she told me so I wouldn't find out.
[This message edited by RyeBread at 1:55 PM, September 20th (Friday)]