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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 14
damaged71
♂ Member
Member # 36004
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Couple of interesting things this weekend...

Last night I had a discussion with my wife. It's one that I have put off for a while because even after all that has happened I hate hurting her feelings.

She is worried about me leaving after all that has happened. I think she has finally reached the stage of true remorse. Gone is the pride and vanity that goes along with everything that happened with her.

I told her last night how I really felt. I told her that "you appeared to actively try to destroy that "warm and fuzzy" feeling that I had about you and our relationship. Every time I reached out to you it was met with rejection or ridicule. For that reason whatever goodwill and warm feeling that I have had for you are gone, hopefully not forever but it is gone". I told her that sometimes I just didn't want to be around her at all. She recognizes this because I get distant.

I also said that love isn't a feeling it's a decision. I have decided to love her.

She said that she knows that if I stay with her it's only because my capacity for love is greater than her transgressions. She said in light of all of that she would still work to prove that she is worthy of the love that I have shown her. She said she understood anything that I decided though.

She has done everything right for about the past year but it finally feels like she has let "it" go and is back on my "team" as it were.


In other news... I am an engineer and work primarily with male engineers. Our industry requires a ton of travel. That being said I know of several guys that have been through this.

I was having dinner with a friend the other night and he asked what happened when I "checked out" last year for a while. (He had to pick up my slack). I told him bluntly I was cheated on by my wife.

I proceeded to go into detail what signs there were in the beginning and so on. I could see his eyebrows keep raising. I asked him about it. He said "this is spooky, I am going through the same things". Looks like his wife picked up a cheaters playbook and put it to use.

I hated to break it to him but I said, "Chances are, your wife is being unfaithful. This is what you need to do".

All of the behaviors he was seeing was textbook and exactly what I saw. He said "no way- not my wife, she is too sweet". I said "my wife was too and then she turned into Hitler".

I haven't heard from him today but I'll check on him later. I told him about the fall out and what it means. I feel for him....


I didn't know there was this much emotional pain in the universe!
Me 42
Her 44
D-day 5.18.12
Currently in R

Posts: 305 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: damaged71
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

aw fuck it they are all the same right! They all say the same shit!
To keep saying, oh it was so uncomfortable, I didn't enjoy it. I glad he went limp and didn't finish.
Then why make another "appointment"????

It's all the same. The reasons and excuses rarely change. I got the same as pretty much every number listed.

WW even admitted it once. Soon after Dday WW said the same things about OM and sex. Wasnt that great and sometimes could not get it up. THEN she said *but I went back didnt I.*

The root thing is that we gave our wives power over the outcome of our lives. We invested so heavily in them and they did not invest so much in us. THEY were the prize and we were happy to have them.

So they went out and gave themself away to some one else. All they care about is getting what they want and to hell with anyone else. To them we did not matter. Maybe we still dont.

We were hurt because we love them.

For me. My solution is to learn by WWs example. It seems the solution to existing in this world is to not give a damn about anyone else. Im doing my best to do just that.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3072 | Registered: Sep 2007
ontheslope
♂ Member
Member # 40574
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

#5 I never meant to cheat on you

I got that one too... or a variation of it. We probably all did.

I hate to say it, but I *almost* get this one, to a degree. I don't think my WW woke up one morning and said: "What a beautiful day outside. Good day to go find another man to fuck."

At least in my case her A was a gradual thing... friends, close friends, close friends with secret meetings, followed by close friends who decided to become physical. And I think a lot of them follow that pattern.

Thing is... I have close female friends as well. Some of whom are very attractive. There have certainly been times where I've fantasized a little. Big difference is that I know where that line is... that line that can't be crossed. She didn't. Did she mean to cheat? Like pre-meditated? Probably not. But.. .when push came to shove, when the chance came, no one can say that she didn't MEAN for that to happen. Unless my WW was raped by the OM (which she wasn't), then she meant to open her legs.... she meant to let Johnny Drag-Knuckles stick it in her and pound away.

ugh... OK.... triggering again. Why do I always do that to myself.


Me: BH, 35
Her: WW, 36
Two girls 7 & 10
Married 12 years
Dday: July, 2009

She wants answers... I'm still trying to figure out what the questions are.


Posts: 255 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Maine, USA
ontheslope
♂ Member
Member # 40574
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me. My solution is to learn by WWs example. It seems the solution to existing in this world is to not give a damn about anyone else. Im doing my best to do just that.

Razor.... buddy... be careful with this one. I'm going to be blunt - if this is the case (TRULY the case), then does that mean you'd be cool with picking up a little lady on the side?

Not trying to judge...but that statement you made just reeks a bit of 'she did it to me so I can do it to her'.... but maybe I'm just reading it wrong.


Me: BH, 35
Her: WW, 36
Two girls 7 & 10
Married 12 years
Dday: July, 2009

She wants answers... I'm still trying to figure out what the questions are.


Posts: 255 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Maine, USA
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

#1 You (meaning me) and AP could really be a source of comfort for each other when I pass away.

#2 AP really loves the kids, he can be like an uncle to them.


eta:

Somehow I got a Glee gif looking for "walter white angry":

[This message edited by StillGoing at 10:58 AM, September 23rd (Monday)]


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7094 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think my WW woke up one morning and said: "What a beautiful day outside. Good day to go find another man to fuck."

Mine did. Nothing gradual at all about offering up free sex on Ashley Madison. Come and get it, my husband will never know. Did it for 20 months.


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3290 | Registered: Dec 2011
ontheslope
♂ Member
Member # 40574
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tred man.... wow... I didn't know.

Dude... I can't even imagine.


Me: BH, 35
Her: WW, 36
Two girls 7 & 10
Married 12 years
Dday: July, 2009

She wants answers... I'm still trying to figure out what the questions are.


Posts: 255 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Maine, USA
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dude... I can't even imagine.

That makes two of us.


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3290 | Registered: Dec 2011
ontheslope
♂ Member
Member # 40574
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Next beer I drink - there's a virtual clinking of glasses coming your way, man.


Me: BH, 35
Her: WW, 36
Two girls 7 & 10
Married 12 years
Dday: July, 2009

She wants answers... I'm still trying to figure out what the questions are.


Posts: 255 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Maine, USA
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Razor.... buddy... be careful with this one. I'm going to be blunt - if this is the case (TRULY the case), then does that mean you'd be cool with picking up a little lady on the side?

Not trying to judge...but that statement you made just reeks a bit of 'she did it to me so I can do it to her'.... but maybe I'm just reading it wrong.

No worries there. I have boundaries fully in place. Over the years before and after Dday I have had opportunities with other women. And I never even was tempted to cross that boundary. If I decided to D WW then I will go there after the D.

First I dont put myself in dangerous situations where I could be tempted. I am also not looking for it. Also I am a man of my word and I promised WW on the day we were M to remain faithful and the promise doesnt change just because she did not hold up her end.

I am still with WW and am content with my life with her. Shes a good friend. Thats the way I feel about her. If she had given me the truth and done the work to change her behavior then maybe I could have come to love her again. But that didnt happen. So I have made the best of what I have.

I live my life as I choose. I consider WWs feelings and am a good partner to her. But where it does not violate my consideration I do as I choose.

For me I tried for many many years to get the truth and was stuck because I didnt know what I was expected to forgive. I kept hoping for her to change and that hope kept me stuck. In time I saw this problem and played a linguistic game with myself and changed my hopes to wishes. For me a HOPE is something I have a emotional investment in. A WISH OTOH is something I am not invested in a thing that would be nice if it came true but I am not relying on it happening.

In time I even gave up on wishing and realized that this is my life. And it isnt the job of my WW to fix me or repair the damage she created. All she can do is to fix her self. And it isnt my job to fix her any more than it is her job to fix me. So I gave up on all that. I just focused on recreating a new me that could exist in a M with WW and be happy there.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3072 | Registered: Sep 2007
noescape
♂ Member
Member # 34888
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yup, nothing gradual about trolling sleazy chat rooms to pick up male attention either... gradual my a$$, intent defined by actions. Pleading innocence and 'just friends' on that (which I got) is like saying "but I didn't inhale"... Uhh yeah...

Posts: 739 | Registered: Feb 2012
noescape
♂ Member
Member # 34888
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Razor, I'm where you were at where you killed hope and changed it to a wish, but I cannot fathom being a friend to a manipulative liar and a cheat (specially when the abuse is directed at me). Maybe I'm just too judgemental... How'd you do it? Indifference and detachment is where I'm at now. It's the most peace (if it can be called that) I've had in 3 years.

Posts: 739 | Registered: Feb 2012
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It seems the solution to existing in this world is to not give a damn about anyone else. Im doing my best to do just that.

That pretty much sums it up, razor.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5359 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Razor, I'm where you were at where you killed hope and changed it to a wish, but I cannot fathom being a friend to a manipulative liar and a cheat (specially when the abuse is directed at me). Maybe I'm just too judgemental... How'd you do it? Indifference and detachment is where I'm at now. It's the most peace (if it can be called that) I've had in 3 years.

Everyone is manipulative. Everyone you meet is a liar. Everyone if given a choice to gain some thing for them self will make that choice. People pretend otherwise. Some say they are not that way and maybe thats true for some. But in the end we all look out for our own needs because no one else will do that for us.

My WW is a manipulative liar and a cheat. That is completely true. But I KNOW what she is and so am on guard. She is also a friend. We share a common world view. We share a sense of humor. We share a long history together. And being that I am a older person we also share financial stability and the freedom to work or not work as we choose.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3072 | Registered: Sep 2007
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

#5 I never meant to cheat on you

Got that line, too.

OK, I'll concede that the first encounter may have been fueled mostly by alcohol/music/dancing and being in the moment. So what about the next 100 or so encounters? Especially the ones that required planning and lying to me?

I'm pretty sure she "meant" to cheat on me. A lot.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1024 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
Mr. Kite
♂ Member
Member # 28840
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If she had given me the truth and done the work to change her behavior then maybe I could have come to love her again. But that didnt happen. So I have made the best of what I have.

Same situation here.

For me I tried for many many years to get the truth and was stuck because I didnt know what I was expected to forgive. I kept hoping for her to change and that hope kept me stuck.

Told WW this weekend that until she owns up 100% and tells me everything, there will be no peace between us, ever. She said that I wouldn't believe her anyway and that I wouldn't know for sure, so what would be the point? I told her my gut would know and that once I had all the facts I could finally make a decision. This is what I suspect she fears and why she keeps silent on her past.

I cannot fathom being a friend to a manipulative liar and a cheat (specially when the abuse is directed at me).

Yup! We're just two people who have known each other for over 30 years, acquaintances who happen to live together for financial reasons.

Everyone is manipulative. Everyone you meet is a liar. Everyone if given a choice to gain some thing for them self will make that choice. People pretend otherwise. Some say they are not that way and maybe thats true for some. But in the end we all look out for our own needs because no one else will do that for us.

Respectfully disagree. I'll be damned if I let WW soil my view of the rest of humanity due to her disgusting, twisted way of doing life. Everyone gets the benefit of the doubt until they prove otherwise. Maybe some would consider me a naive fool but I'm probably more of a cautious optimist.


Posts: 900 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Mid-Atlantic
Merlin
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Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"I never meant to cheat on you"
________

How does someone accidentally have sex with someone else?


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/56 Me: BS/62, 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1055 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Looks like his wife picked up a cheaters playbook and put it to use.
I have to admit one of the worst feelings I had after Dday was talking on the phone with a friend that was supporting me. I was listening toher and mentally checking off shit on a list in my head. I flat out asked her if she thought her husband was cheating on her. She said it wouldn't surprise her but she didn't know. Two months later I get call telling me her WH's girlfriend showed up at her house looking for WH. She didn't want to come to SI but I had more than enough experience with the shitstorm to help her navigate. I look at married couples now and wonder which of them is cheating. Some seriuosly fucked up people in this world.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
STBXWW = Her
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Separated 6/2013, D official around 6/2014

Posts: 1566 | Registered: May 2011
MoreWould
♂ Member
Member # 37982
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I read the statistics, that say more than half of all people who work out of the home cheat, male or female. That means something between two-thirds and three-fourths of all marriages will deal with infidelity on the part of one or both spouses at some point. Then I talk to my 5 best friends, and the rate is 100%, mostly because their WW's went off the reservation.

I go out in public and now I try to imagine which couples have NOT had to deal with it.

Maybe this is the New Normal, but the next generation is going to have figure out how to live deal with it. I don't like it one bit.


Me BH/WH, 63
Her WW/BW, 62
Her DDay Dec 1976 OMW at the door
My DDay, ~ 2years later, confessed ONS the next day
R via "Sweeping under the rug"
Still married, 40 yrs, mostly OK
2 kids, 24 & 20

Posts: 347 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Colorado
RyeBread
♂ Member
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This shit sucks. STBX just called balling her eyes out about having to give up our dogs. Tells me that she is loosing everything in all this. I had so many comebacks in mind but kept my mouth shut and just said "ya, so am I".

I am tired of getting the guilt trip in all this. Sometimes I wonder if there is something wrong with me that I don't rage out on her and throw it all back in her face. In my head I do it and the common sense part of my brain says no matter what I say, no matter how right I am, I will be the bad guy and she won't get it anyway. I get so tired of hearing how much she has "sacrificed" for our family and how I'll never find someone who loves me as much as she does. I've given up an immense amount of my time, energy, financial support, dignity, you name it so she can follow her dreams, live off my hard work, and literally do whatever the fuck she wants. She doesn't get it. I enabled that shit to some extent I know. But at what point does a decent human being realize that maybe taking advantage of someone is beneath them. And its time to own your shit and be responsible for yourself and your child? Its what you do. I've been driving this train with a freeloading hobo onboard. Fuck her addiction, fuck her A. Stand on your own two damned feet and quit acting like a whiny spoiled little brat. I am tired and exhausted in all this. I try to hold my head up and keep pressing on but somedays I think moving up into the mountains and living off the land is much more preferrable to being suffocated with someone's unremorseful entitlement attitude. Her inability to reflect on her own choices and consequences is maddening.

Pressure valve released. Much better.


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 957 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
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