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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 14
doubleboggy
♂ Member
Member # 40622
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't believe in forgiving for any other reason than if someone earned it.

I read somewhere that forgiveness that is a gift is to help the one doing the forgiving. Forgiveness that is earned is to help the one getting the forgiveness. IDK

I think those fuzz feelings come and go in the best relationships. Add an affair and they will most likely just "go" for some time until issues are dealt with and the dust settles in the relationship.

I see the person she truly is warts and shortcomings more than ever now.

The spark is not likely to return until your able to overlook some of her shortcomings. I am not saying rugsweep, just letting go. (way easier for me to type than do.)


I have became what I have beheld and am content that I have done right. - Elliot Ness

Posts: 84 | Registered: Sep 2013
doubleboggy
♂ Member
Member # 40622
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

the best looking ones seem the most entitled, and the least humble

My grandpa told me years ago, "Marry an ugly girl, she'll never leave you. And if she does, who cares?" I wish I would have listened.


I have became what I have beheld and am content that I have done right. - Elliot Ness

Posts: 84 | Registered: Sep 2013
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

the best looking ones seem the most entitled, and the least humble

I dunno man. Plenty of beautiful women right here that are all fucked up because they thought their dork husbands were safe in the same way.

I think getting married is just a bad idea all around, really. Love my wife and don't want things to change ATM (well, some things sure, but I like where we are at) but I don't really see the benefit to marriage outweighing the pitfalls.

Maybe a better line would be "Don't marry anybody at all." Just live and love and keep it simple like that.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7114 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
doubleboggy
♂ Member
Member # 40622
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Don't marry anybody at all." Just live and love and keep it simple like that.

I am not quite ready to throw out the whole idea of marriage...yet. But, I am not as far along in this shit storm as you.


I have became what I have beheld and am content that I have done right. - Elliot Ness

Posts: 84 | Registered: Sep 2013
RyeBread
♂ Member
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Plenty of beautiful women right here that are all fucked up because...

StillGoing, thats why I added the lame attempt at CYA by saying "but from personal experience..."

I am in the no marriage camp now myself. I may someday decide to become involved with another woman, but it won't be legally involved. Hell, I still have to D so that's way far off the radar at this point anyway. It's not that I don't have faith in the institution, I just don't think it's for me. This was my second go at it. I learned my lesson.


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 957 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One of my biggest struggles with her right now though is that the 'spark' is gone. I care about her, we're friendly with each other, but it just seems like that special something, that connection, is gone. It's been gone for a while. I think it was dying a bit before the A, but whatever was left got euthanized on D-Day.

Am I alone in this? Is this normal? And if it is... does it ever come back? Can I ever look at her again and feel that special connection? Am I just being a sentimental sap?

Sadly I feel the same way. Dont know if that makes it *normal* or not tho.

Does it come back? For me no. But I wonder if it would be a good thing if it did. For me it was that spark that feeling of a special connection. That trust that I had that she would forever have my back. That complete commitment. It was all that that made me hurt so much when it all turned out to be a lie.

To feel those things is to risk feeling that pain again. So what level of risk are you willing to take?

Im just a emotional sap and I really want those things. BUT the pain. The memory of the pain and the pain I continue to feel today. That pain keeps me from emotionally committing to WW.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3086 | Registered: Sep 2007
ontheslope
♂ Member
Member # 40574
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Damn Razor...sucks to be part of the club within the club, don't it.

I would agree - I need those things in my life. I used to feel them, even right before the A happened, even with the distance that had grown and the problems that we had, I could still look at her and say: "That's my wife. That's my girl, and she loves me and I love her. And I always will."

And now... no I just don't know. Maybe we're just damaged goods, now. Falling in love is like painting a masterpiece, and part of what makes it so special is that you get a nice clean canvas to work with. Now I'm being asked to paint another masterpiece after the one I had already painted was shredded and thrown away, only I was handed a canvas that has a big old dark smudge on it. A dirty canvas. And I can paint over it, but I will always know that the smudge is there, underneath, hidden but always there.

Doesn't really make me want to paint anymore.


Me: BH, 35
Her: WW, 36
Two girls 7 & 10
Married 12 years
Dday: July, 2009

She wants answers... I'm still trying to figure out what the questions are.


Posts: 255 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Maine, USA
RyeBread
♂ Member
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Doesn't really make me want to paint anymore.

How about taking up sculpting? Shape and mold the life that YOU want. Maybe the WW is onboard, maybe she isn't. But it will be an authentic honest life of your own.

Sorry for all the pain you are going through.

ETA: You'll have to find someone else to model for you. My image would not be considered art

[This message edited by RyeBread at 4:18 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)]


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 957 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
SuperDuperWonderboy
♂ Member
Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I'll model for ya.


My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.


Posts: 1267 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
RyeBread
♂ Member
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks wonderboy, I just threw up a little in my mouth.


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 957 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How about taking up sculpting? Shape and mold the life that YOU want. Maybe the WW is onboard, maybe she isn't. But it will be an authentic honest life of your own.

That is the path I have taken.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3086 | Registered: Sep 2007
SuperDuperWonderboy
♂ Member
Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 4:30 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm here for ya fellas.


My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.


Posts: 1267 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
RyeBread
♂ Member
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 4:32 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WTF is that anyway?

Vampirozebrosapien?


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 957 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 4:32 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wonder.....DISCLAIMER!!!


Great point Rye. Pretty much the path I'm taking.


BH 50, WW 41
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 19(Hers),DS 8 Ours, DGS 2 1/2
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2068 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Mr. Kite
♂ Member
Member # 28840
Default  Posted: 4:33 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mine would be ....from this

to this...


Posts: 900 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Mid-Atlantic
SuperDuperWonderboy
♂ Member
Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 4:34 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry about the disclaimer! Or lack thereof.

Gotta love Tiger Dude though!


My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.


Posts: 1267 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 4:40 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IMO the key thing is to be happy with ourselves. To NOT base our happiness or self image or self value on our WW.

Carve out our own identity. Go on the path we choose. Follow our own interests. Do our own thing. If WW comes along fine. If not also fine.

Is this really what we wanted from the start? No. But this is the only way left to us in the aftermath.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3086 | Registered: Sep 2007
foundoutlater
♂ Member
Member # 32900
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I think that the "feeling" is gone I now think of the "feeling" my W had for OM. The stupid tingle. It was bullshit and I don't want to have bullshit love.

I don’t see my story like that. I don’t think the “stupid tingle” is bullshit but I agree that it is not love. It’s attraction combined with arousal. I agree with doubleboggy that it comes and goes in the best of relationships. I see it as something that can be worked on and sometimes it has to be lived without for awhile because there is shit in the way. We are dealing with some major damage, but in a really good relationship life gets in the way and well that “stupid tingle” is on hold for a bit. What is bullshit is the W going somewhere else with that “stupid tingle”. I think most feel it to some degree but shut it down – I believe it’s called boundries.

I hate to use the term ugly but I do think there is some validity to that. If a guy needs an 8-10 on the attractiveness scale then I think the A probability goes up.

Again I disagree (I’m in one of those moods I guess). You can pick any attribute you want and that "type" of person will have had an A. I would venture a guess that “ugly” and “fat” come with some baggage in the self esteem department. I’ve seen self esteem stated as part of the reason a WS strayed probably more often than any other reason. And to listen to BS rants here on SI about the "pig face whore MOW" and what not makes me think there are plenty of “ugly” and “fat” WW.

@wonderboy – thanks for the smile.

@ Mr. Kite – I absolutely love scream –thanks. Funny I never saw myself in that picture until DDay #1.

@ all the Menz – thanks for putting it out here on these pages. It really helps. It seemed that it went kind of quiet for a bit and I thought “damn I hope some Menz did not get banned – did I miss something?”


Your beliefs don’t make you a better person, your behavior does.

Posts: 1062 | Registered: Jul 2011
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 6:53 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'll model for ya.

Damn sexy WB...

Carve out our own identity. Go on the path we choose. Follow our own interests. Do our own thing.

I remember when I was single too Razor . It's so easy to say, so hard to do. Life got complicated somewhere.


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3303 | Registered: Dec 2011
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 7:05 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Carve out our own identity. Go on the path we choose. Follow our own interests. Do our own thing. If WW comes along fine. If not also fine.

That's the secret ingredient right there.

Of course, opening that Dragon Scroll to see what wonderboy left in there....



“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7114 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
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