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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 14
SuperDuperWonderboy
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Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 7:13 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Validate me bitches!!!

Hey, as an FYI there is a thread up in Just Found Out, called "betrayed and confused"

Guy reminds me of me when I found out, he could probably use some Menz insight if any of ya'll are interested in venturing into the other forums!


My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.


Posts: 1267 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 7:26 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

...if any of ya'll are interested in venturing into the other forums...
…it's dark and there are wolves out there!
It's so easy to say, so hard to do. Life got complicated somewhere.
Agreed. I love the idea of getting out there and rediscovering yourself as a means of healing... But for some of us with younger kids and extremely limited time and income, it's really hard to put that into action. Really, really hard. I know that sounds whiny as hell, but it's the truth. I can barely carve out 2 1/2 minutes to disrespect myself, let alone get a new hobby.


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1616 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
64fleet
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Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 7:45 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's the little things IMO, FP-buy that stuff for yourself the wife don't like, miss a ball practice or two and enjoy whatever you can for you-don't get me started abt limited income-I live in 50 yr old house in the county, and drive a 20 yr old truck with over a quarter milion miles. Sometimes simply sitting in the garage by yourself listening to tunes n drinking a brew can be a new hobby.

just 2 1/2 minutes, huh? damn I'm old...


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5359 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 8:22 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's the little things IMO, FP-buy that stuff for yourself the wife don't like, miss a ball practice or two and enjoy whatever you can for you-don't get me started abt limited income-I live in 50 yr old house in the county, and drive a 20 yr old truck with over a quarter milion miles. Sometimes simply sitting in the garage by yourself listening to tunes n drinking a brew can be a new hobby.
Thanks, sixfour. Yeah, it's actually kind of weird, because I had recognized some of the unhealthy traits BEFORE the A and had started to do all that cool shit, but now we have less (EDIT: disposable) income, so some of that stuff went out the window. Mostly I just play games for the foreseeable future....we acquired a new car payment in July, and I have to start paying on my Federal Student Loans to the tune of $350/month in December. We already pay about $350/month for my private student loans, and about $700/month for hers....so there is a long future of staycations in my future, barring any increases in income.

[This message edited by FacePunched at 8:23 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)]


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1616 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
wincing_at_light
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Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 8:26 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Holy shit, FP, how much student loan debt are you carrying? Or are you trying to pay it off in 10 years?


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6690 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
wincing_at_light
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Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 8:27 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

On second thought, feel free to ignore that question. It's probably a bit personal on the financial end.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6690 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 8:34 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a question to you gentlemen as well: I'm sure many of you stayed for your kids, at least initially. I've been thinking about the phrase "Better to come from a broken home than to be in one." lately. I wonder if it still holds true in homes where both parents have managed to live amicably (for the most part)...like many of us here have.

I know that for me, on DDAY, I knew that if I didn't at least TRY to reconcile I'd always regret it. But that was only a part of it. Part of me also knew that if I got divorced I'd probably end up with 50/50 custody....and that meant that half of the time my son would probably be exposed to every single terrible coping ability she possesses, not to mention I had little doubt she'd run to POSOM and he'd be around my son, too. For me, it was certainly a cost/benefit analysis with regards to my son...I felt like I could better mitigate the damage she was going to (unintentionally) do to my son if I had access to him every day, rather than 3-4 days a week.


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1616 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
wincing_at_light
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Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 8:49 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That was actually exactly my thought process in the beginning. I wasn't willing to sell my kids' future (emotionally, financially, etc.) for my own satisfaction.

A jaded man might say that's the difference between a BH and a WW.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6690 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
StillGoing
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Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 8:54 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Actually FP, I seriously considered D without any shot for R because of my kids. I felt that R was a selfish endeavor on my part, because I wanted to be with her; I was sure I could do fine on my own, was not sure where we would be in five years if we tried to make it work.

As for hobbies.. it's less about finding a way to be interested in something and more about recognizing that leveling up to win at life means you're dead, so this is kinda like a Black Isle game where the journey is the fun part. Get the plot advanced at your own pace and enjoy the shit you like to enjoy as you go. Poke into all the corners and burst into peoples houses to look through their shit. Carry around the dead cat you find in a treasure chest. Play with the weird toys. Except the Lady of Pain doll. Don't fuck with that one.

Jabbering again, sorry.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7116 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
h0peless
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Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My dad stuck around for years while my Mom fucked the pastor until he met some psycho bitch and didn't anymore. I don't know if my siblings and I were more damaged by living in a fucked up, dysfunctional household for all of those years or by the divorce and subsequent remarriage of both parents to their APs. Both are still married and miserable now because they married assholes.

I don't know what's going on in your situation but I wish my Dad had thrown in the towel before he compromised himself and we all lost respect for him too.


Posts: 1323 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Arizona
Ascendant
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Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 9:02 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jabbering again, sorry.
Don't ever apologize for that, sir.
I felt that R was a selfish endeavor on my part, because I wanted to be with her; I was sure I could do fine on my own, was not sure where we would be in five years if we tried to make it work.
There was a (maybe) 2 or 3 hour window a few days after DDAY where I let my mind wander and thought about life w/out my wife and I knew that it'd hurt for a while, and eventually I'd be ok, and I started thinking about all the cool shit I'd do with my extra money (she's not likely to get any of mine, seeing as we work in the same place, do the same job, and make the exact same amount) and free time....but then I thought about not seeing/hugging/kissing my son every night before he went to bed and I started crying, and that was pretty much that.

ETA: Sorry about my "King of the Run-On Sentence"-ness, aided by my friends the comma and the ellipse.

[This message edited by FacePunched at 9:03 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)]


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1616 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
Montreal
♂ New Member
Member # 40627
Default  Posted: 9:03 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a question to you gentlemen as well: I'm sure many of you stayed for your kids, at least initially. I've been thinking about the phrase "Better to come from a broken home than to be in one." lately. I wonder if it still holds true in homes where both parents have managed to live amicably (for the most part)...like many of us here have.
I know that for me, on DDAY, I knew that if I didn't at least TRY to reconcile I'd always regret it. But that was only a part of it. Part of me also knew that if I got divorced I'd probably end up with 50/50 custody....and that meant that half of the time my son would probably be exposed to every single terrible coping ability she possesses, not to mention I had little doubt she'd run to POSOM and he'd be around my son, too. For me, it was certainly a cost/benefit analysis with regards to my son...I felt like I could better mitigate the damage she was going to (unintentionally) do to my son if I had access to him every day, rather than 3-4 days a week.

Thats my thought process too. I'm just a better parent than she is. She's not a bad parent, but I'm better. And I keep thinking "what happens if my daughter's first boyfriend breaks up with her and its not my week? What if my son gets beaten up at a bus stop and its not my week?"

I'm going try for R because I feel like I owe it to them, you know what I mean? But geez, that hurts, realizing what a sacrifice it really and truly is. Am I sacrificing happiness, self esteem, self respect, dignity, pride, <insert manly emotion here> in the process? And will my kids eventually see through that and if so what kind of message does THAT send to them?

What a nightmare.


DDay: July 6, 2013
"not divorcing"

Posts: 50 | Registered: Sep 2013
wincing_at_light
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Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 9:13 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm pretty sure that if you manage to stay unembittered, what your kids learn is "Dad will go through hell for me."

Whereas mom will go until she sees a shiny new dick, then all bets are off.

(This is not how it has worked out in my house, but my wife also did a shit-ton of really hard work to repair her relationship with the kids after D-Day.)

[This message edited by wincing_at_light at 9:16 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)]


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6690 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
StillGoing
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Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 9:16 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

but then I thought about not seeing/hugging/kissing my son every night before he went to bed and I started crying, and that was pretty much that.

Yeah, I get that. I had resigned myself to that happening anyway and had time to get through to the other side. So I had more than a couple hours to work through that stuff.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7116 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 9:17 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SG gets more done in 2 1/2 minutes than most of us get done all day.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6690 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\ Not a masturbation joke.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6690 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
jjct
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Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 9:23 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Montreal, just see if your wife exhibits remorse - trueremorse - see if that's a good life lesson to hand down to them... the kind that says; "Don't make the mistakes that I made." says. It should include how wonderful you are as a man, to be willing to take her back after her indiscretion...

We say the offer of R is a gift we give, we should value it as such.
It's the rarest of gifts.
We should prize it as such.
You're worth it after all, your children are, so much more so.


Posts: 6021 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
StillGoing
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Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 9:41 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah I take at least 3, 4 hours if I'm gonna rub one out.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7116 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
h0peless
♂ Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 9:45 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your callouses must be legendary!

Posts: 1323 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Arizona
StillGoing
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Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 9:54 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7116 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
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