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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 14
h0peless
♂ Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 10:07 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But seriously, to sort of echo what wonderboy said above, there seem to be a decent amount of new posters in JFO who aren't getting a lot of responses tonight. I remember being one of them just over a year ago, working up the courage to type out my story, working up the courage to post, hitting refresh over and over... I know us men might not be the most gentle of souls in there but maybe we could try to help some of the people up there out tonight.

Posts: 1323 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Arizona
Mr. Kite
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Member # 28840
Default  Posted: 10:23 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DS22 was 2 when the A's began and 3 when I found out. I stuck around to raise and home-school him. In retrospect I sometimes wonder if that did more damage than good.

He's not a drug addict, an alcoholic, or a criminal. In fact he's getting his bachelor's degree in psychology and a second one in English in a few months and then moving on to his masters degree after that. But he has phobias and refers to the house he grew up in as the Overlook Hotel from the movie "The Shining."

While there was no physical violence or even much yelling, he once called the atmosphere in our home while growing up as "the cold war between mom and dad."

He married a woman who is domineering and what he tells me is that there is a lot of yelling and throwing things. I guess he went the opposite route of mom and dad.

I've wanted to tell him many times about his mom's A's, since that might clear up some questions he might have, but figured he had more than enough on his plate emotionally already.

There's no way to know for sure whether I made the right decision to stick around and raise him or not. Would he have grown up more well adjusted or would his life have been worse. Hindsight is 20/20 and all that.


Posts: 900 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Mid-Atlantic
h0peless
♂ Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 10:32 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mr. Kite, your post really made me think. My siblings and I are all pretty successful, in spite of our parents' transgressions. Both of my sisters have advanced degrees. One is a nurse practitioner and the other is a registered dietician. I'm the principal of a high school. My little brother is poised to take over the family business and there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that he will do a better job of running it than my Dad has.

However...

My youngest sister and I have both been divorced. She has re-married and I hope she got it right this time. I'm still licking my wounds. My oldest sister is gay and didn't come out to the family until she was 28 years old. It was probably the biggest surprise since I found out that water was wet but that's beside the point. She's married and her wife is great but she's also 22 years older than my sister so I kind of consider that sort of screwed up. My brother is engaged to someone who he loves and who loves him but she has severe anger issues and sees them as a virtue rather than something that needs to be worked on. I hope for the best for them but I'm not optimistic.

By a lot of measures of society, we are all pretty damn successful and well rounded. Our personal lives have all been pretty messy. I think that's the manifestation of the damage our parents did to us. At least your son had one parent worthy of his respect.

[This message edited by h0peless at 10:46 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)]


Posts: 1323 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Arizona
Mr. Kite
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Member # 28840
Default  Posted: 10:43 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

h0peless - thank you for your kind and thoughtful words. I know absolutely no one who isn't screwed up in some way, including yours truly. I guess the best we can do with our children who grow up in these kinds of situations is to keep the damage to a minimum. As we all know, infidelity does harm not just to the husband and wife but to many others in their lives, whether the truth is revealed or not.

Posts: 900 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Mid-Atlantic
ontheslope
♂ Member
Member # 40574
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know absolutely no one who isn't screwed up in some way, including yours truly

Ditto, man. I feel six different types of screwed up lately.

I'm going try for R because I feel like I owe it to them, you know what I mean? But geez, that hurts, realizing what a sacrifice it really and truly is. Am I sacrificing happiness, self esteem, self respect, dignity, pride, <insert manly emotion here> in the process? And will my kids eventually see through that and if so what kind of message does THAT send to them?

I get this, but I also know that I'm trying to R because I owe it to me. Yes, part of me is staying for the kids, because that is what a father does... we sacrifice. We are the rock, we are the foundation of the family. We do what has to be done.

But at the same time, in a way it isn't about the kids. It's about not giving up. I don't throw in the towel easily. I'm not a selfish person, and giving up because "things got too hard" just seems like an incredibly shallow and selfish thing to do.

I've been with my W for 16 years. She had 1 A (that I know about at least - but I really think that there is only the 1). She has been a part of some of the best days of my life (Wedding, childbirth, etc...). Unfortunately she is also part of the worst day of my life. Still, that history has to be worth something, doesn't it? It just seems like throwing it away would be a bush-league move on my part.

But part of me hates that I have to make that sacrifice. You get one shot at life. No second chances. And somehow my hope for the life I always wanted turned into the mess I am in now.

Sacrifice. Hurt. Anger. Regret. Hope. Dismay. Indifference. Apathy. Resentment. Sadness. Loss.

Welcome to my life.


Me: BH, 35
Her: WW, 36
Two girls 7 & 10
Married 12 years
Dday: July, 2009

She wants answers... I'm still trying to figure out what the questions are.


Posts: 255 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Maine, USA
doubleboggy
♂ Member
Member # 40622
Default  Posted: 8:24 AM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Am I sacrificing happiness, self esteem, self respect, dignity, pride, <insert manly emotion here> in the process?

This

After the two ton Acme weight of my wife opening up for strange dick, hit me, it has been a continual struggle with sacrificing self esteem, self respect, dignity, pride.

Every time she minimizes, TT, gaslights, or lies. Then this

Am I sacrificing happiness, self esteem, self respect, dignity, pride, <insert manly emotion here> in the process?

It is like being beat to death with thousands of 50 lbs Acme weights. As it turns out, to my surprise, the sex wasn't the worst part. Its daily picking away at my happiness, self esteem, self respect, dignity, pride. I can stand and face the fire breathing dragon, prepared to win or die; but it is the swarm of mosquitoes (all with west nile) sucking all of my blood, slowly, over time, that is the real danger.


I have became what I have beheld and am content that I have done right. - Elliot Ness

Posts: 84 | Registered: Sep 2013
MoreWould
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Member # 37982
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OTS

We do what has to be done.

It's about not giving up. I don't throw in the towel easily. I'm not a selfish person, and giving up because "things got too hard" just seems like an incredibly shallow and selfish thing to do.

This ^^^^^^^^^^^ is what Real Men do. It's A Good Thing, but it's not always good for us, as you go on to say so eloquently.

I've been with my W for 16 years. She had 1 A (that I know about at least - but I really think that there is only the 1). She has been a part of some of the best days of my life (Wedding, childbirth, etc...). Unfortunately she is also part of the worst day of my life. Still, that history has to be worth something, doesn't it? It just seems like throwing it away would be a bush-league move on my part.

But part of me hates that I have to make that sacrifice.

This too ^^^^^^^^^. As UncertainOne once said so perfectly, taking a WS back, no matter how good the reasons, can feel like a self-betrayal. And that hurts more than all the strange dick in the world.


Me BH/WH, 63
Her WW/BW, 62
Her DDay Dec 1976 OMW at the door
My DDay, ~ 2years later, confessed ONS the next day
R via "Sweeping under the rug"
Still married, 40 yrs, mostly OK
2 kids, 24 & 20

Posts: 347 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Colorado
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 8:59 AM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

taking a WS back, no matter how good the reasons, can feel like a self-betrayal

This was the subject of my PTSD treatment yesterday - the doctor referred to it as cognitive dissonance, where my beliefs don't match my behavior. Simply put, my default behavior when betrayed my entire life is to leave that person behind, become indifferent to them, and not let them occupy any brain space. It's what I did when my first wife cheated. That is my behavior and belief system that has gotten me through multiple traumas my entire life. This is the first time I'm going against my own belief system with my behavior. To put it succinctly, it causes all kinds of issues internally, thus the PTSD. Wheeee.


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3306 | Registered: Dec 2011
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wasn't willing to sell my kids' future (emotionally, financially, etc.) for my own satisfaction.
A jaded man might say that's the difference between a BH and a WW.

WAL, jaded or not, he'd be right on the money.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1035 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
MoreWould
♂ Member
Member # 37982
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tred,

You are so right. I've been looking for PTSD therapists myself, plan to start one within a few weeks.

And this is for an A that was over 30 years ago, but it's amazing how much damage unresolved shit can do when you leave it to bump around in your subconscious for a few decades.

Message to all the Newbies here: Don't let your WW rugsweep or gaslight you. Force her to own up, for both of your sakes. If you think confronting her is bad now, try it years later. It sucks.

[This message edited by MoreWould at 9:15 AM, October 3rd (Thursday)]


Me BH/WH, 63
Her WW/BW, 62
Her DDay Dec 1976 OMW at the door
My DDay, ~ 2years later, confessed ONS the next day
R via "Sweeping under the rug"
Still married, 40 yrs, mostly OK
2 kids, 24 & 20

Posts: 347 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Colorado
ontheslope
♂ Member
Member # 40574
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is the first time I'm going against my own belief system with my behavior

Wow... that hit home. Mayhaps that is why I feel so torn inside. My behavior goes counter to my instinct. It's like you're constantly fighting yourself.

I don't think my situation goes quite as deep as PTSD, but I'm sick of feeling so torn. Of doing what needs to be done but knowing that a little part of me dies every time I do it.

Sacrifice is tough. But that is what we do. I got gut-kicked on D-Day. I made the choice to get back up. I could have run away. I could have stayed on the ground. But I GOT BACK UP.

I just wish it didn't have to hurt so damn much.


Me: BH, 35
Her: WW, 36
Two girls 7 & 10
Married 12 years
Dday: July, 2009

She wants answers... I'm still trying to figure out what the questions are.


Posts: 255 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Maine, USA
RyeBread
♂ Member
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I applaud those of you who decide to stay and work through issues after the betrayel. I can't do that. The A wasn't the only thing that I had to consider either. I was in denial of many things including the A. Once the light came on and I really evaluated the situation I realized that I have my limits. I know deep down that I won't be able to make it through the A, deal with the M issues we already had, and live with the person I've finally awoken to. I had no dignity before the A, and the lack of remorse and other behaviors I see tell me I will have none, as well as no respect if I choose to stay.

I feel I betrayed myself staying in the M before the A (too many issues to cover). The A was another kick to the ribs while I was already on the ground.


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 957 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
64fleet
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Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

taking a WS back, no matter how good the reasons, can feel like a self-betrayal

I think many of us struggle with this-to me it was simply a deal-breaker, but kids are involved now.
Like Kite, this one broke an engagement to me long before, and I swore to myself i would not take her back if it happened again.

Maybe I should stay true to myself, or maybe I should learn to forgive.

I wasn't willing to sell my kids' future (emotionally, financially, etc.) for my own satisfaction.
A jaded man might say that's the difference between a BH and a WW.

same here


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5360 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
RyeBread
♂ Member
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sick of feeling so torn. Of doing what needs to be done but knowing that a little part of me dies every time I do it.

^^^^This. Been this way for years. That + A + no remorse + entitled WW = empty soul.


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 957 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
ontheslope
♂ Member
Member # 40574
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think many of us struggle with this-to me it was simply a deal-breaker, but kids are involved now

Yes - the A was a deal-breaker. But there are kids involved.

My WW says that she doesn't want me to stay just for the kids. Too bad she didn't consider that ramification on our relationship before she opened her legs.

Ugh... but like I said above. I'm not just here for the kids. I'm here for me, and for the sake of not giving up, of taking the road less traveled until it leads me to a grassy meadow, or a cliff.

My god - why did they have to do this to us?

I wasn't willing to sell my kids' future (emotionally, financially, etc.) for my own satisfaction.
A jaded man might say that's the difference between a BH and a WW.

Word.


Me: BH, 35
Her: WW, 36
Two girls 7 & 10
Married 12 years
Dday: July, 2009

She wants answers... I'm still trying to figure out what the questions are.


Posts: 255 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Maine, USA
stilllovingher
♂ Member
Member # 29959
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This was the subject of my PTSD treatment yesterday - the doctor referred to it as cognitive dissonance, where my beliefs don't match my behavior. Simply put, my default behavior when betrayed my entire life is to leave that person behind, become indifferent to them, and not let them occupy any brain space. It's what I did when my first wife cheated. That is my behavior and belief system that has gotten me through multiple traumas my entire life. This is the first time I'm going against my own belief system with my behavior. To put it succinctly, it causes all kinds of issues internally, thus the PTSD. Wheeee.

I remember those sessions, they sucked, but worth it in the end.

I wasn't willing to sell my kids' future (emotionally, financially, etc.) for my own satisfaction.
A jaded man might say that's the difference between a BH and a WW.

fuckin-A-right.
the past couple days I've been thinking about this a lot, I've been trying to ...idk, quantify, the selfishness. I just can't, I've been selfish, self centered, what have you. But that level of it is just unimaginable for me.

WAL, I read your posts on the "why" thread. Really good stuff, buddy. I've had very similar thoughts myself on the two very different points of reference.


The only difference between a butt kisser and a brown noser is depth perception.
I'm sure WAL would agree.

Posts: 2385 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: still BFE, but now BFE, CA
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SLH,

How did you rectify the two, or have you?


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3306 | Registered: Dec 2011
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think that my wife just hit the stage where she start investigating everything about me, including all my online activities and phone activities. Either that, or she's been doing it and I just noticed. I fell asleep last night, & I woke up to see my wife browsing through my cell phone.I don't have anything to hide, I just thought it was weird.


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1618 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
stilllovingher
♂ Member
Member # 29959
Default  Posted: 11:27 AM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tried,
Just remember that you, all of us, are evolving, learning, growing.
The fact that you tried a different approach to this is proof that you are.
This isn't a math problem where:
(you + wife) + (wife/other dick)= -you
This is life, where your wife, and your idea of family meant more to you than clinging to your old comfortable ways. So stop comparing the two, stop trying to be who you were, and start figuring out who you ARE. Who you were was no doubt awesome, but you can't be him any more. His logic doesn't work in this scenario, unless you want it to...and we both know where those solutions lead us in the past.


The only difference between a butt kisser and a brown noser is depth perception.
I'm sure WAL would agree.

Posts: 2385 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: still BFE, but now BFE, CA
stilllovingher
♂ Member
Member # 29959
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

or were you asking how I rectified the "two points of reference"?


The only difference between a butt kisser and a brown noser is depth perception.
I'm sure WAL would agree.

Posts: 2385 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: still BFE, but now BFE, CA
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