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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 14
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 7:54 PM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry, Sal. Crossposted. I'm really sorry you're hurting. If you don't mind me (us?) asking, what happened?

[This message edited by FacePunched at 7:56 PM, October 5th (Saturday)]


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1571 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
ontheslope
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Member # 40574
Default  Posted: 8:03 PM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sal man... been there and that sucks. I hope that there is hope, but if it's time it's time - be strong either way.

Why can't people just be honest...especially with themselves.

Side note - I'm down for the OBX gtg... if you guys can stand having a slightly nerdy 36 year old tagging along. I might be able to help a bit with the house if need be.

[This message edited by ontheslope at 8:03 PM, October 5th (Saturday)]


Me: BH, 35
Her: WW, 36
Two girls 7 & 10
Married 12 years
Dday: July, 2009

She wants answers... I'm still trying to figure out what the questions are.


Posts: 255 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Maine, USA
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 8:14 PM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't mind at all, FP. See page 35, post 10. Today I asked to see the account statements. With reluctance she gave me the user name and password, and of course the balance is double what she told me. And there's a charge from last Dec. 18 that I correctly guessed was OM's Christmas present. That I now have to pay for, with interest.

It's too much. I'm married to a fucking serial liar who spreads her legs for OM. Barring divine intervention (which I don't discount btw), I'm done. Stick a fork in me. I've reach my pain threshhold.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
M for almost 18 years
4 kids

Reconciled


Posts: 1024 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 8:19 PM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gotcha. I ran into a bit of TT myself that way early on...I checked my wife's CC statements and say a $58 charge at a Cheesecake Factory that *I've* never been to...I asked her if she paid for fucking everything, since he never drove, had no car, etc.,....her response "Well, he didn't have any cash on him." What a fucking winner.

ETA: My wife and I both work cash jobs (tips), and so despite her claims otherwise, I'm willing to bet she paid for other stuff as well, but have no way to prove it. I kind of fucked up the info-gathering process early on by exploding at every little piece of info....which, when dealing with a wayward mentality, is not going to increase your chances of getting future info.

[This message edited by FacePunched at 8:23 PM, October 5th (Saturday)]


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1571 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 8:21 PM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why can't people just be honest...especially with themselves.

Wish I knew slope. It's too hard sometimes, maybe. Maybe they never saw that behavior modeled as a child. I thought my MIL was the biggest liar I know. It turns out WW is just less obvious about it.

She told me that she will see a divorce lawyer on Monday. I told her to find one that is strong on custody issues. So for now, it's on.

Some would say that I'm blowing the credit card thing out of proportion. But we've been very straight with each other since D Day. No more bullshit, no more lies, no more inflicting pain.

Bottom line: she doesn't love or trust me enough to be honest with me. I wish the next guy better luck.

ETA: Thanks FP, didn't mean to sound flip with you earlier. Just reeling right now. Something hit me today like a lightning bolt - my wife scares me. Literally. I don't think her elevator goes to the top floor. I've read enough on this site to know that she's pretty typical as WWs go, but she's MY wife, and right now it seems like a worst case scenario.

[This message edited by Sal1995 at 8:30 PM, October 5th (Saturday)]


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
M for almost 18 years
4 kids

Reconciled


Posts: 1024 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
ontheslope
♂ Member
Member # 40574
Default  Posted: 10:12 PM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So for now, it's on.

Sal... buddy. Listen to your heart. There is no 'for now'. Sounds like you know she just isn't right. Sounds like this has been building for a while. It sucks. You're about to jump out of an airplane but someone forgot to hand you a parachute, and that is scary as hell. If this is the end, take comfort n in the fact that you are strong enough to face it, and that, somewhere down that long road, better days are ahead.

Maybe, just maybe, all the shit that's happened upn until now has just been preparing you for the good stuff that is to come. Darkest before the dawn, or so they say.

Best of luck man. We're here if you need us.


Me: BH, 35
Her: WW, 36
Two girls 7 & 10
Married 12 years
Dday: July, 2009

She wants answers... I'm still trying to figure out what the questions are.


Posts: 255 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Maine, USA
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 10:23 PM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sal... I'm very sorry to hear about all of this. I don't think you are blowing the whole credit card thing out of proportion at all. It was a lie, it had to do with your finances, and it was also tied into the OM. That's just a fucking awful combination.

I've heard it said so many times out here that when it comes to D/S, if and when it comes to that time, you will know. That ball is completely in your court.

I'm not really sure what advice to offer at this point, other than to really keep a close eye on things, financially and legally. If she was willing to lie about these things before... you know where I'm going with that. Now is really a time to protect yourself, your finances, and your legal standing with your kids.

Take care, man. Wish I had some sort of way to take away some of the hurt.


"The hero of my tale, whom I love with all the power of my soul, whom I have tried to portray in all his beauty, who has been, is, and will be beautiful, is Truth." - Leo Tolstoy

Posts: 4462 | Registered: Dec 2010
Sal1995
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Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 11:02 PM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FP, slope, Losfer thanks for tossing the life jackets my way tonight. I've felt lower than this before, but this time it feels like a new D Day. Because any illusion that trust can be restored has been shattered.

Now I face all kinds of wonderful options - stay with her and spend the rest of my life without peace of mind, divorce her as amicably as possible and go from being a full-time dad to a one night a week, every other weekend dad, to spending money that we don't have right now on two lawyers in an ugly, protracted custody battle...which I would probably lose.

The second option (and probably the third as well) would leave my kids at the mercy of an emotionally immature mother and whatever creep she replaces me with. One of the best R tools so far is a picture I saw of the sleazebag she thought was worth more than our 17 years together. No way I'd turn my kids over to the likes of him without fighting like hell for my family. The fight's draining out of me. It takes two after all.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
M for almost 18 years
4 kids

Reconciled


Posts: 1024 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 11:23 PM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The second option (and probably the third as well) would leave my kids at the mercy of an emotionally immature mother and whatever creep she replaces me with. One of the best R tools so far is a picture I saw of the sleazebag she thought was worth more than our 17 years together.
Brother, I feel you. I know we're supposed to detach, and I know that you cannot control or cure someone else's "flavor of fuckup" but damn....the kids.

The kids.

One of the shittiest parts of this whole fucking thing is that I'd imagine a good number of us start out reconciling for our kids....but our WWs cannot get their shit together, or go even more off the rails....which makes you even more worried about the kids, sans you, than you were before, except now you're thisclose to divorce.

[This message edited by FacePunched at 11:24 PM, October 5th (Saturday)]


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1571 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
flup
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Member # 21259
Default  Posted: 11:46 PM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But, do you ever get to the idea that our fWW's are thinking that "He'll NEVER divorce me! He's got the children to worry about!" Could someone be as cold as to use that as a fall-back position? And, what would a judge think of that? Points to ponder, my friends.

Those of you with sub-18 year old's need to ponder that... fukkit, both mine are in college.

For an autodidact, it sure feels strange to be sharp as a marble.
Still. We stumblingly learn how to be at peace
in the quiet of ourselves...

Is that a fucking haiku??? It's great even if it isn't!

That said, I'm very familiar with OBX - DDay #1 was there in Kitty Hawk - AND, I'd love to put another face on that place, but I won't know if I can get the time off until mid-spring. If you need $$ to secure the pad, let me know... I'll see what I can free up.

Shit, FP, at what point do we stop caring about our kids? I'm still trying to get them through college without any debt... difficult to do - and yet, easier with no OM (present) to deal with.

[This message edited by flup at 11:53 PM, October 5th (Saturday)]


Me: BS 55
Her: fWW 50

D-Day #1: 12 Aug. 2008. WW's 2nd affair w/college teacher.
D-Day #2: 18 June 2009. Affair #1 with neighbor was fall of 2002 - while I was coping with the fallout from 9/11.
Still trying to R.
22 years married


Posts: 426 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Ohio
nuance
♂ Member
Member # 28793
Default  Posted: 12:08 AM, October 6th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tips for a new marriage? Snoop once in a while. Also, communication and transparency, except about the snooping. It kinda defeats the purpose and all.

Anyway, did I mention snooping?


Dday May 2000. R'ed.
People suck.

Posts: 1155 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: California
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 4:00 AM, October 6th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ots & flup - you're dam right we're putting another face on that place!

I think I think in haiku, maybe it's byeku or jjku, the new martial art, wrestling with rhyme...the tapout's sometimes sublime...(*groan*)
most times, it's an outta the cage monkey match - I'd think in terms of soul's bloody scratch (*insert here*), but I don't have the spit for it.

Sal, it's said that 3 things can happen during a pass, and 2 of them are bad...I know I'm in the bleachers, but advising your stbx on D-lawyers, expecting an 'amicable D' looks like a hail mary...
I'd pass on that...


Posts: 5980 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 6:27 AM, October 6th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FP - give them a copy of Not Just Friends and tell them they have to read it.

Sal, brother, so sorry it's come to this. When all you ask in payment for their crime is honesty, and they won't even do that, it seems the situation isn't salvageable. I know how much that sucks. Today is the anniversary of when my wife first sucked his cock on their first date. They had three months of foreplay so I bet the build up was amazing. I can see more chainsaw therapy outside but I'm getting low on trees.

Again, PM me if you are serious about OBX. Finances won't be a problem, every little thing is gonna be ok.


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3278 | Registered: Dec 2011
ontheslope
♂ Member
Member # 40574
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, October 6th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Today is the anniversary of when my wife first sucked his cock on their first date. They had three months of foreplay so I bet the build up was amazing.

Man.... no one should ever have to utter a sentence like that. That made me want to punch something.

And I would suggest dropping the chainsaw and picking up an axe. Therapy factor of x10.


Me: BH, 35
Her: WW, 36
Two girls 7 & 10
Married 12 years
Dday: July, 2009

She wants answers... I'm still trying to figure out what the questions are.


Posts: 255 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Maine, USA
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, October 6th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Man.... no one should ever have to utter a sentence like that. That made me want to punch something
Agree.


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1571 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 8:53 AM, October 6th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OTS,

Brother, I can swing an axe. 5 back surgeries ago I used to just use an axe and a maul, sometimes a sledge with a splitting bomb for real hard shit like live oak. But there is a real pleasure in watching a nice sharp blade drop through two feet of tree without pushing it down, just let gravity and momentum chew through the wood. Nice sawdust chips hitting your thighs like a light rain on a motorcycle ride. Then get the hydraulic splitter and go to town. I can get two cords done in a day and drop five pounds in sweat. That's therapy. Pure heaven if I can involve the John Deere GT245. It has a beer cup holder


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3278 | Registered: Dec 2011
Mikey56
♂ Member
Member # 38063
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, October 6th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tred,

You had me at John Deere GT245....and I said I wasn't going to cry today. Damn you...


Posts: 108 | Registered: Jan 2013
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, October 6th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Today is the anniversary of when my wife first sucked his cock on their first date.

Man.... no one should ever have to utter a sentence like that. That made me want to punch something.

Agree with this.

Damn Tred, it seems like you got way more details than most of us do, although all of our stories are their own forms of hell. But you have dates to go with specific, graphic acts. And 2 years out you're still hanging in there like a champ trying to R. I felt like a whiny pussy just reading that in light of my recent posts.

Sal, it's said that 3 things can happen during a pass, and 2 of them are bad...I know I'm in the bleachers, but advising your stbx on D-lawyers, expecting an 'amicable D' looks like a hail mary...
I'd pass on that...

Noted, jjct. Agree with all of that, it was definitely not my brightest moment. And I'm a lawyer. Now I know why they say that a lawyer who represents himself has a fool for a client.

The kids.

Yep, that's the misery of it FP. I gave my wife the gift of forgiveness and reconciliation not even 6 months into this, and I find out that she lies her ass off about stupid shit. More lies than I can count. At some point you have to ask yourself if staying for the kids is worth the slow and painful death of trying to reconcile with someone who is simply incapable (or unwilling) to change. With an emotional 12-year old. If you've made a sincere effort to R and your WW committs a R dealbreaker - in our case, lying, which I told her early in the process was unacceptable from here on in light of the 100's of lies she told me during her A - shouldn't you be able to look your kids in the eyes and tell them you gave it your best, then move on? We have no control over someone else's destructive acts.

The kids

ETA: Just realized that after writing what I wrote to Tred above, I doubled-down on the whining. Menz should be a no whining zone.

[This message edited by Sal1995 at 10:30 AM, October 6th (Sunday)]


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
M for almost 18 years
4 kids

Reconciled


Posts: 1024 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
kg201
♂ Member
Member # 40173
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, October 6th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Morning gentlemen. This article on betrayal was forwarded to me this morning and, Sal, I though it relevant to your recent posts. It's relevant to all of us, but I'm dedicating it to Sal. So there.

http://www.nytimes.com/2013/10/06/opinion/sunday/great-betrayals.html?hp&_r=0

Also, just a quick aside... I spent two hours last night in the ER thinking I was having a heart attack. Posted about it on FB. The best my WW could come up with was a text saying she was glad it wasn't a heart attack, and then calling to hand the phone to my kids. I sat with this woman through 9 years of cancer treatments, surgeries, late night nausea and sorrow, and the best she can do is a 10 word text. Granted, it wasn't a heart attack (Esophageal ulcer), but damn. Anyway moving on. Breakfast to eat and Pats game to watch.


Me: BH, 39
Her: WW, 40
Together 18 years, married 15+
LTA 3.5 years, ongoing
Dday: 7/28/13
Divorcing, 3 children
---------------------------------
"There can be no friendship without confidence, and no confidence without integrity." -S

Posts: 373 | Registered: Aug 2013
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, October 6th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sal, I though it relevant to your recent posts. It's relevant to all of us, but I'm dedicating it to Sal. So there.

Very relevant kg, and much appreciated. Waywards lie I think for two reasons: 1. It was a necessity during the A; 2. It is a means of damage control post D Day.

The problem: they suck at it. We all do, because very few people outside of sociopaths are skilled at relating things that didn't happen, or denying the existence of things that did happen. Pretty tricky for the brightest amongst us.

And like the article pointed out, when you discover your spouse has been in an affair, especially a LTA, you start questioning your own history. What was real and wasn't real. False R and catching your spouse in further lies post D Day, even about stupid and inconsequential shit, is devastating. Look at my recent posts. Look at Wonderboys' posts in the last BM thread and in the thread he started awhile back in General.

It's impossible to make waywards understand that the lies are worse than the actual physical acts of betrayal, but I'm convinced that's the case. There should be a mandatory post D Day wayward boot camp. It should start about 15 seconds after discovery, before the wayward even has a chance to open his or her mouth, and not end until he or she fully and completely gets it.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
M for almost 18 years
4 kids

Reconciled


Posts: 1024 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
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