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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 14
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had a weird end to my night last night. Basically, my wife just started out by talking about how she's been depressed lately and doesn't want to get out of bed until like 1:00 pm. She started bawling, sobbing, and shaking, talking about how she's tired of feeling numb and tired of hurting from seeing the anger in my eyes., and tired of hating her mother. She also told me she's been having dreams lately wherein alternately I am comforting her and OM is comforting her by telling her she's not a bad person or "everything's going to be ok" or whatever. I think this is because in the past she would hurt one person and run off with another into fantasy island. Since we are still together, and the last contact she had with OM was a "Fuck You" Facebook letter he sent her about a month after DDAY (where he told her that her apple didn't fall far from the tree and that she's just like her mom), she has no one to provide that positive mirroring. Now, there's no fantasy to run and hide with. Her affair has caused her to earn some degree of anger and scorn from two men, and now it seems like all she wants is an end to people being angry with her.

I don't know....I wasn't angry. I wasn't thrilled that OM's been popping up in her dreams, but I was at least happy that she told me about it...I guess to me she's at least processing it to some small degree, which for her is a minor miracle. She was one of the ones that never went through affair withdrawal....but she's also one of those people that can just shut down uncomfortable and unhappy parts of their brain...CSAB, you know? I always thought it was weird/troubling that after obsessing over OM for several months, she suddenly just locked it down and never thought about it....just didn't seem healthy to me. That being said, I wasn't really interested in watching her withdraw either, so I just let it be. Basically, I held her while she cried, and told her all the stuff she's telling me is good to get out, but that she needs to tell her IC, not me.

Sometimes when I see my wife all I see is a giant gaping wound of hurt...both from her past and self-inflicted. It makes me genuinely sad.


ďAnyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.Ē

Posts: 1604 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
numb&dumb
♂ Member
Member # 28542
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you guys for responding.

It was an issue that had been simmering regarding something I need in the M. Something that had been acknowledged as valid. I provide this in spades all the time.

Last night, I got excuses and refusals. "It was not her problem, Most Ws would be like . . ." She was being very selfish again. It irks me. She won't address it. I have got past so many things in the past couple of years to even like myself for staying. All I ask is I get what I need.

Since last night I have gotten emails, texts and VMs telling me she loves me. Trying to move past it. The issue is still there. I am not letting it go away or be swept under the rug.

I don't plan on going the RA route. It is hard to look at her situation and not feel like R is a gift to the WS and a curse to the BS. I am not going to D over this, but what has this cost her long term ? Not much, if anything she gets a better M, a more sane existence and knows for sure, because she has tested the waters, that being M is what she wants. I get . . . .still looking for that. She doesn't know either.

I don't punish her anymore. I stopped a long time ago. I don't shield her from her consequences either (not that there are many). It just one of those times where the unfairness seeps in. She doesn't lie anymore (that I have caught anyway), but I still have my doubts. She gets a better M and knows that I am committed to the M or I would have left already. I on the other hand have cause and reason to worry. I also will have to deal with someone who regresses every now and then. It is scary, I thought we were past this. I just want a normal boring life, not the soap opera digest version.


Me-35 her-35

DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.


Posts: 2457 | Registered: May 2010
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sometimes when I see my wife all I see is a giant gaping wound of hurt...both from her past and self-inflicted. It makes me genuinely sad.

Sorry man, no wise words but I can relate to that. That's why I respectfully disagree with those who say that WW's get to have their fun and keep their marriage, and thus got off easy compared to the BS. There's not enough hot illicit sex in the world for me to want to take on that anger, guilt, and overall emotional baggage. She can have it.

I hope you and the wife work through these issues.

ETA: numb, we might have cross-posted and it looks like I missed your earlier post. This thread moves fast if you're away a few hours. Not sure if my comment above relates to your post but it looks like it might. I understand those feelings, I've fought them before. It just feels like a RA would let her off the hook to a large extent, and I'm pretty sure it would make me feel like shit.

I'll be damned if my WW and her sleazy POSER are going to turn me into a wayward. FTN as jjct would say.

[This message edited by Sal1995 at 1:55 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)]


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1028 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She gets a better M and knows that I am committed to the M or I would have left already. I on the other hand have cause and reason to worry. I also will have to deal with someone who regresses every now and then. It is scary, I thought we were past this. I just want a normal boring life, not the soap opera digest version.
This. Although if you go read around in the wayward forum long enough, you can kind of see the cost that this kind of transgression enacts upon the soul of those WWs who are remorseful. You couldn't pay me enough to live the rest of my life knowing that I have irrevocably hurt, changed, and damaged the only person who ever loved me enough to stay with me despite my horrendous actions and brokenness.

ETA: Cross posted with Sal, but same idea.

[This message edited by FacePunched at 1:56 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)]


ďAnyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.Ē

Posts: 1604 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
numb&dumb
♂ Member
Member # 28542
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sal-

It is OK. My W went through a significant period of these feelings. I did too. After awhile these things tend to dissipate and you are left with a W who has got past the shame, guilt, etc. Who is making peace with her choices. They feel the need to exert some control or independence sometimes. Most of the time that is OK with me.

I also disagree that WW go through anything worse than we experience. Their choices brought this into the M. I can rationalize choices I make, but ones made for me are much harder to stomach. My only choice was to marry her or not. Today I regret that choice somewhat.

It can be hard to take refusals when asking something that is needed. Especially when it is an environment their choice created.


Me-35 her-35

DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.


Posts: 2457 | Registered: May 2010
numb&dumb
♂ Member
Member # 28542
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FP- Some days I get that.

Today, I don't. Earlier on in this process it is prevalent. It helps me understand their pain. As we get further out it gets less and less. It gets easier for her to rationalize those bad thoughts away. (I am now safe, I don't lie anymore, I am faithfull, etc.). She isn't that person anymore. Well who is she then ?

It must be rewarding to see that kind of growth internally. Betrayal, that MFer sticks around.


Me-35 her-35

DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.


Posts: 2457 | Registered: May 2010
ontheslope
♂ Member
Member # 40574
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Although if you go read around in the wayward forum long enough, you can kind of see the cost that this kind of transgression enacts upon the soul of those WWs who are remorseful. You couldn't pay me enough to live the rest of my life knowing that I have irrevocably hurt, changed, and damaged the only person who ever loved me enough to stay with me despite my horrendous actions and brokenness.

Agreed. For some, an A is just a good time, a fling, a crazy night, and they have no remorse because they have no internal grounding, no compass, no morals. For those of us that do have those things, even the thought of becoming a wayward turns our stomachs, because it is counter to everything we are. Face it, we've ALL had fantasies about an RA, be it for revenge purposes or curiosity purposes or whatever, but I think we all know, deep down, that we would lose a piece of ourselves if we ever were to do that.

I know, in the case of my W and her A, that she is hurting in a way that I am not. Is her pain to the level of mine? Probably not. And yes, she got to 'have her cake and eat it too'. But...where being betrayed is a sharp knife of agony, guilt is a caustic ooze that will eat you alive from the inside out. She comforts me over my pain - but the guilt she faces on her own.


Me: BH, 35
Her: WW, 36
Two girls 7 & 10
Married 12 years
Dday: July, 2009

She wants answers... I'm still trying to figure out what the questions are.


Posts: 255 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Maine, USA
PowerGlo
♂ Member
Member # 34132
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So finally had some good news. STBXWW decided over the weekend that she had enough of living in our home with my son and packed up her stuff and moved out. Told my boys not to tell me until after Monday when her atty notified mine that she was moving out and I need to move back in to take care of my son. So my 18 yr old son was left alone in my house for two nights over the weekend while she presumably stayed at POSER #1ís place. Not sure where she went because again the boys are under orders not to tell me. What kind of person does this to their children? Uses them as pawns in their fucked up games? Abandons their kids like that and doesnít have the courage or the integrity to at least tell me so I can be there for my son? Anyway the good news in all of this is I get to move back into my house with my son and be a father again. I can now get the house fixed up and cleaned out so it will sell. The tide is turning in my favor for once over the course of the last two years which have been pure hell. This is the best Iíve felt and the most optimistic Iíve felt in a very long time.


Married 27 years...
DDay #1 11/11/11 - AFF profile with 10-15 boy toys.
DDay #2 1/13/2012 - still at it with the AFF boys.
1/17/2014 - Divorced
I knew the moment had arrived
For killing the past and coming back to life


Posts: 133 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: NW Indiana
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LIC - I understood what you were saying and assumed the texting behavior was during the affair, but what she said was after. FP said it well enough though, we don't have to take shit while being patient.

We have different thresholds. My wife telling me that she couldn't fit me into her schedule because she was trying to get me to fill the time she used to have OM in is just a statement that begins and ends with Fuck You for me.


I don't punish her anymore. I stopped a long time ago. I don't shield her from her consequences either (not that there are many). It just one of those times where the unfairness seeps in. She doesn't lie anymore (that I have caught anyway), but I still have my doubts. She gets a better M and knows that I am committed to the M or I would have left already. I on the other hand have cause and reason to worry. I also will have to deal with someone who regresses every now and then. It is scary, I thought we were past this. I just want a normal boring life, not the soap opera digest version.

This is a hard truth. I occasionally get angry or upset about the same things.

The hard part is it will always be a truth. The difficulty for me most of the time is focusing on the truths of the present, like she's here *now* and being honest *now*; that shit from the past stains it and there will always be a faint trace but I like to think that the more I focus on the things we have, the less hurt from the things she did.

This stuff goes both ways, too. There's plenty of shit that I dug into and worked on. In fact I remember her saying something similar to this (though it's also a bit tainted with cynicism on my end I admit, since it was during her A) - that even if I became "a better person" there was always going to be a danger that I'd go back to being a drunk or escaping into games.

It comes down to we are the sum of our actions, and the upside is we get to keep adding to the balance until we die. Unless we get zombified and shit. But then you just get Brains check boxes I think.


I hope some of that made sense.


ďFate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.Ē

Posts: 7107 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The tide is turning in my favor for once over the course of the last two years which have been pure hell. This is the best Iíve felt and the most optimistic Iíve felt in a very long time.

That's great news, PG. You survived two years of hell and sound better for it.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1028 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That is awesome PG! I'm still working on your request - the basement is in a bit of disarray due to some rearranging and I haven't set my test rig back up yet. Hopefully this week, I'll PM you as soon as I'm done. I actually had two High Life's over the weekend (still have one left if you ever drop by).


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3303 | Registered: Dec 2011
PowerGlo
♂ Member
Member # 34132
Default  Posted: 4:25 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tred We will need more than one High Life when I stop by. Thanks buddy, its the best news I've had in two years. It's kind of sad when the best news in two years is that my WW moved in with POSER but I guess that's how it goes.


Married 27 years...
DDay #1 11/11/11 - AFF profile with 10-15 boy toys.
DDay #2 1/13/2012 - still at it with the AFF boys.
1/17/2014 - Divorced
I knew the moment had arrived
For killing the past and coming back to life


Posts: 133 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: NW Indiana
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 4:53 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This forum does move fast.
So much ground to cover.

First about a RA.
I think we all agree that the LTA was not about us or the M. Right? IMO if thats so then a RA must also not be about our WS or the M. The choice to cheat is the same whether its a affair or a revenge affair. With that in mind I am not about to cheat.

About WW having no consequences.
Some one said: Although if you go read around in the wayward forum long enough, you can kind of see the cost that this kind of transgression enacts upon the soul of those WWs who are remorseful.

The key word there is REMORSEFUL. Some are and some are not. I think the ones that are not do not last long on SI. And so we are seeing only one side of the story. Also considering the numbers difference between WS and BS on SI and similar forums. This seems anecdotal evidence that there are more WS that are NOT remorseful than those that are.

So those with remorseful WWs are in great shape compared to the rest of us. The rest of us have to either D or figure out some way to live with our selves while staying in the M.

[This message edited by Razor at 6:01 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)]


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3084 | Registered: Sep 2007
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 5:01 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The choice to cheat is the same whether its a affair or a revenge affair.

Well said Razor. Of course, that's little consolation when you come home and tell your wife about the hottie you were banging because, you know, it had nothing to do with her or the marriage. And you'd be telling the truth, and she'd have a real hard time believing you.

RA's? I'm out. Here's a question - how far out do you have to be for it to still be a revenge affair? Or, is there no use by date?

[This message edited by Tred at 5:03 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)]


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3303 | Registered: Dec 2011
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 5:09 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I dont think theres an expiration date on that one.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3084 | Registered: Sep 2007
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 5:27 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gotta agree with everything Razor said there.

Revenge is just another excuse.


ďFate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.Ē

Posts: 7107 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 5:49 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not one to normally call out, but we've lost dudes recently, and I don't wanna lose any more.
You guys are like bunch of jibbering women.
This is probably the kind of stuff the mods were talking about when they opened the thread.


ďAnyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.Ē

Posts: 1604 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
foundoutlater
♂ Member
Member # 32900
Default  Posted: 6:01 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Take my man card IDK Iím gonna cry. This shit is so hard. Even when working with a W who is working her but off and trying to be open, vulnerable and remorseful. Not trying, she is. Itís so good then shit hits, I need to process it and try to deal with it, knowing it takes multiple rounds of the process for each and every thing. It felt so awesome for a bit. This afternoon something has hit me and Iím not even sure what. It just sucks. Maybe Iím just tired. It is so good to see the honest back and forth here in Menz though.


Your beliefs donít make you a better person, your behavior does.

Posts: 1062 | Registered: Jul 2011
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 6:03 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is probably the kind of stuff the mods were talking about when they opened the thread.

Ah well. I thought it was funny. This is the sort of joke I make at my WW and we both laugh. Anyway I took it out of the original post.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3084 | Registered: Sep 2007
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Found,

If crying takes away your man card, mine has long been shredded. Let it out mate. I cried for 14 straight months. Ever day. Wasn't until I got on the right dose of AD's before I stopped. Something new come to light? Or just the damn coaster?


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3303 | Registered: Dec 2011
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