Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Elizablue (43208)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 14
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 7:46 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

double, your posting here. trust me, you're every bit as secure as anyone of us.

infidelity made me doubt things I never would have doubted before.


BH 50, WW 41
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 19(Hers),DS 8 Ours, DGS 2 1/2
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2068 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
foundoutlater
♂ Member
Member # 32900
Default  Posted: 7:53 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

infidelity made me doubt things I never would have doubted before

I doubt things like that, then I doubt the doubt working through it – no wonder it feels like spinning in circles sometimes


Your beliefs don’t make you a better person, your behavior does.

Posts: 1062 | Registered: Jul 2011
stilllovingher
♂ Member
Member # 29959
Default  Posted: 8:01 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dudes,
I've been shaving my own head for...hold on...33...take away the 17...a long damn time!
the shampoo/scalp massage is THE ONLY reason I ever go to a salon/barber .
Its awesomeness, guy/girl/tranny/trained monkey ( no scissors please) I don't give a damn!

Hey, we ain't talking about a foot massage here, Jules.


The only difference between a butt kisser and a brown noser is depth perception.
I'm sure WAL would agree.

Posts: 2385 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: still BFE, but now BFE, CA
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 8:05 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

yeah but you can get one of those two for an extra 20 bucks. pedicure too.

nope not me, I read about moo somewhere.


BH 50, WW 41
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 19(Hers),DS 8 Ours, DGS 2 1/2
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2068 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 8:13 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well I have issues being touched by people who are not direct members of my family or trying to choke the life from me.

You know, I never really thought about how fucked up it is that I incorporated Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu into my comfort zone somehow. I mean, I once threw a handful of change at a woman in WaWa who stood too close to me when she asked if I could spot her for a soda. Then I bolted to my car and never went back to that WaWa.

I should probably have mentioned that incident to the doc, but whatever. I'm getting better. A woman put her hand on my arm a few months ago to chat at me in a different WaWa and I didn't throw my coffee in her face. I was polite and acted like a normal person.

Random guys don't do that shit. Which is good because I dunno if I'd have the restraint to not punch them. All on me, I accept that.

Okay I am not coherent here anymore. I'll just stop now.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7107 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
doubleboggy
♂ Member
Member # 40622
Default  Posted: 8:32 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well I have issues being touched by people who are not direct members of my family or trying to choke the life from me.

I have issues being touched by anyone except my wife. I have issues with my wife being touch by anyone too.

I need a drink.

[This message edited by doubleboggy at 8:35 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)]


I have became what I have beheld and am content that I have done right. - Elliot Ness

Posts: 84 | Registered: Sep 2013
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 9:34 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No dis respect meant in any way guys. To me, a touch can be just that, a way to get your attention. In the case of a shave or hair cut or foot massage, hell, I paid for those services. I'm not deriving some illicit sexual response from it.(BTW, never had a foot massage I paid for). If I'm uncomfortable or feel boundaries being crossed, I'm a lot more vocal than I was before. Sorry if I offended.

I need a drink

Right there with you. Been on edge lately. On the road three nights this week, two next week and four the following, with a weekend(Fri-Sun) conference the weekend following. Sucks. FWW is exhibiting a renewed need for external validation again.

Our 8 yo DS is having behavioral problems in school, today was not such a good day, to the point the teacher sent a note home with him. FWW ran her fastest mile tonight and texted me so. I responded with "Sweet!, Please make sure you talk to DS about school today." Remember, I'm on the road at a meeting. FWW responded that I didn't acknowledge her accomplishment enough. She was hurt that I didn't praise her more. Nothing about DS.

Guys, I need a drink.

Scared


BH 50, WW 41
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 19(Hers),DS 8 Ours, DGS 2 1/2
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2068 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
nuance
♂ Member
Member # 28793
Default  Posted: 12:22 AM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'll never go back to that dark place. If this happens again, it will be sad but not a shock. It will just be over between us...her choice.

Yep, the innocence is gone. I wonder if the shock would still happen in a betrayal in a new relationship if we had jumped ship? Are we damaged forever regardless of who our SO is?

When I get a haircut I always say I'm busy and it has to be quick.


Dday May 2000. R'ed.
People suck.

Posts: 1159 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: California
LifeisCrazy
♂ Member
Member # 38287
Default  Posted: 7:35 AM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have any of you guys looked in on the thread in General - "Best friend is cheating on her husband?"

It is driving me insane.

Does anyone understand the concept of "doing the right thing" anymore? That there are times in life that you have to be a mature adult and make the tough decisions - even if it costs you a relationship? That having integrity and living an honest life is more important than whether your buddy things you're a good guy or not?

Both my brothers kept my wife's affair a secret from me for an entire year. And I'm VERY close with them. Why? Because they wanted to "protect me and my kids" by allowing my WW to end the affair on her own.

When I confronted them about it - in a fit of rage - I tried to make them understand that I don't want people making decisions about my life FOR me. That it's not the "right" thing to do. To this day they have trouble understanding that the "right" thing is different than the "easy" thing.

I'm reading that thread and wanting to scream at the OP, "What the fuck? You are aiding the affair? How do you think the BH is going to react when he realizes he's the last guy to know that his wife is fucking someone else??"

Does anyone else lament the lack of true integrity that surrounds us? The inability to know the difference between right and wrong???


"Pain is temporary. Quitting is forever."

Posts: 127 | Registered: Jan 2013
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 7:47 AM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LIC,

Have you posted your opinion in that thread? One of the rules the staff like us to follow is not to pull other threads into our protected area, because it doesn't give anyone a chance to respond that isn't a member of our "club". It's ok to refer to that thread, but not to create a discussion about it here in our sanctuary. It's a rule we seem to have trouble following a lot though .

Now, in general, I agree with you. There is a difference between "right" and "easy". To be honest, I've never been in that situation so I don't know what I'd do. I've known of infidelity in relationships but never with someone that was a close friend of mine.


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3303 | Registered: Dec 2011
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 7:52 AM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I dunno-I had a buddy who fucked around on his W all the time, I told her one night when she called looking for him. It seemed it made no difference to her, and nothing changed. Only after being on this board did it dawn on me that she may have had a OM herself. Maybe she just didn't care.

Now, I stay out of other folks' bizness.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5359 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
LifeisCrazy
♂ Member
Member # 38287
Default  Posted: 8:01 AM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Didn't realize the rules of engagement here in the Menz Club :)

Was just decrying the inability for people to do the right thing...

Sad.


"Pain is temporary. Quitting is forever."

Posts: 127 | Registered: Jan 2013
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 8:01 AM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm reading that thread and wanting to scream at the OP, "What the fuck? You are aiding the affair?

I think many people are uncomfortable with conflict when confronting others and would rather talk about them than talk to them when there is a disagreement.

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 8:02 AM, October 9th (Wednesday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 8:07 AM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LIC - no worries. We get a bit of lenience because we tend to self police. Usually when the mods step in we've already gone too far.

I did read that thread, thought your response was a good one. Shit position to be in.


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3303 | Registered: Dec 2011
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 8:11 AM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I dunno, like I said in that thread, she is stuck in a position of betraying her own BH's trust or their friend the BH's trust.

HER husband needs to tell the guy, I agree completely. I can respect that she wants to be on the same team with her own husband about things though. It's a hard place to be.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7107 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wonder if the shock would still happen in a betrayal in a new relationship if we had jumped ship? Are we damaged forever regardless of who our SO is?
Having spent 2 years in hell because I couldn't let go of an unremorseful WW, I can definitely say that if any new relationship I end up in has the same outcome I am out the door. I don't see myself ever getting married again, no more kids, and I will NEVER combine finanaces with anyone again so yeah I guess I may be slightly damaged. Having seen that most A's seem to follow the same damn pattern I know what I would be in store for so the shock may still be there and I would likely still be upset but I would be jumping immediately to the GTFO/NC forever portion of the program.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
STBXWW = Her
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Separated 6/2013, D official around 6/2014

Posts: 1570 | Registered: May 2011
numb&dumb
♂ Member
Member # 28542
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MC said it was pre M (not by much), young and dumb cold feet nonsense (no it was not) and I needed to focus on the future

Most MC come from the school of thought that the BS is to blame, but quickly try to qualify that by saying an A is horrible. Both parties have to take responsibility for the environment that led to the A. I adamantly disagree with that statement. If the environment is to blame for the A, then would it also be OK to blame one spouses for creating the environment for the others RA ? I don't think it does. If there was an "environment" that facilitated cheating, then why didn't both of them cheat ? Because it is a choice. The person who made that choice bears a disproportionate part of the M post Dday and any "work" put forth by the BS is charity. My W had serious issues. I begged and pleaded for her to seek help, took care of everything when she shut down and did nothing but try to support whatever made her happy. I always listened and even complied with crazy request that were so off the mark most people thought "Wow, he must really love her." So in my experience I am not willing to take any responsibility for the "environment that led to the A." I was there and if anything I was an Uber-husband. Most women would give their left arm to have half of that.

MCs can really suck. My IC is good, but MCs suck.

Yeah still angry today.


Me-35 her-35

DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.


Posts: 2457 | Registered: May 2010
ontheslope
♂ Member
Member # 40574
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Because it is a choice. The person who made that choice bears a disproportionate part of the M post Dday and any "work" put forth by the BS is charity. My W had serious issues. I begged and pleaded for her to seek help, took care of everything when she shut down and did nothing but try to support whatever made her happy. I always listened and even complied with crazy request that were so off the mark most people thought "Wow, he must really love her." So in my experience I am not willing to take any responsibility for the "environment that led to the A." I was there and if anything I was an Uber-husband. Most women would give their left arm to have half of that.

A-fricken-men brother.

This is what kills me...every single damned day. I gave her EVERYTHING. Uber-husband of the year type stuff. And now I'm being asked to give more. Give her my love again. Give her a second chance. Give her my forgiveness.

It's like...how much more do I have to give? I gave her everything...wasn't that enough?

Apparently not. She needed everything I could give, plus another guy's dick.

OK... deep breath. Calm... relax... it's all good. It's all good.


Me: BH, 35
Her: WW, 36
Two girls 7 & 10
Married 12 years
Dday: July, 2009

She wants answers... I'm still trying to figure out what the questions are.


Posts: 255 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Maine, USA
RyeBread
♂ Member
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I gave her everything...wasn't that enough?

It absolutely was. The problem is that a WW is an emotional blackhole. We have thrown anything and everything in there and it gets pulverized like it never existed. To me, after dday, the taker WW has to switch to being the giver for a while to make some amends for the damage they've done. They just aren't familiar with that role. That or they aren't capable of it. Empathy escapes them.


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 957 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It absolutely was. The problem is that a WW is an emotional blackhole. We have thrown anything and everything in there and it gets pulverized like it never existed. To me, after dday, the taker WW has to switch to being the giver for a while to make some amends for the damage they've done. They just aren't familiar with that role. That or they aren't capable of it. Empathy escapes them.

^^^This. If you get the i'm not happy speech or I need something else speech or something is missing speech then it's confirmation of the gaping blackhole in your WS. No matter what you do it will never be enough. They have to close the hole themselves they have no idea how to self soothe and need others to help them feel better, positive, sometimes anything at all. The kicker for me and I think others was on top of the blackhole you have to deal with the fact that to our WS's, what WE, the BH's, put into the blackhole has less value than what others put in and even can have the opposite affect. Me validating my STBXW meant nothing but a stranger, other family member, or someone that didn't know how fucked up she was validating her or complimenting her got big reactions. If I told her she looked nice today or I appreciated something she did, she didn't believe me. Let OM or a stranger do it and it's the best thing since sliced bread. Each person is responsible for their own happiness and until they learn and accept that they will always have the blackhole in them because they can't validate themselves.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 10:48 AM, October 9th (Wednesday)]


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
STBXWW = Her
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Separated 6/2013, D official around 6/2014

Posts: 1570 | Registered: May 2011
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.