[This message edited by Mr. Kite at 9:16 AM, October 11th (Friday)]
Welcome!! Grab a stool and parkus your carcass at the bar with the rest of us.
I don't think there is anything abnormal about ED after the A. Contrary to popular belief, mens libido is tied to their emotions. My WW digusted me after her A. I felt very distant from her and not the least bit attracted to the person she showed me. After some time I got more comfortable with the idea of sex with her but when it came time I couldn't get it up either. I was just still too hurt and angry to have that connection. I wasn't ready.
IC is a good place to start. I am willing to bet that if your Wgf is owning her shit and working feverishly to make your relationship a safe place for you then things will be back to normal.
As far as using porn... If things function correctly there then it's pretty obvious its emotional. I'm not going to judge you on that, but be mindful it can be addictive. Especially at a time in your life where you may be numb and/or feeling depressed. Lots of ladies on SI (and maybe some men, you just don't hear about that much) are dealing with WH's who have porn issues too. Sounds like a slippery slope. I'm just as guilty as anyone else for looking at it. My worry is the guilt and shame you feel afterwards. Something to think about anyway.
Don't beat yourself up over this. You are going through a very difficult time and there is no manual for this. Take care of yourself through IC , reading, 180, whatever it takes. You will get back to your old self.
I wasn't sure what to say about your Wgf leaving you over this. I'm really sorry that you are in a relationship where you don't feel she has your back on this. Maybe that is your gut telling your something. Maybe not. We are here for you brother.
[This message edited by RyeBread at 9:24 AM, October 11th (Friday)]
there's no viagra for the eroded soul.
Awesome, Classic, Profound
My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.
If your gonna add super duper to your name, better be planning an epic post/gif for the first page of next Menz thread.
Cannibal - welcome. These guys have some good advice, I'd argue that best collective experience you are going to find. Feel free to ask anything. Sorry you are here mate, but glad you found us.
Thing is, all we do is perpetuate the idea of her being the prize/princess when winning her is the dynamic. Aren''t we a prize in our own right? Shouldn''t she be trying to win us over? And why do we continue to do it that way? To me it''s stupid and selfish from both sides. Although it may mean I am perpetually single since I won''t play the recognized game by the accepted rules anymore, but oh well. At least I won''t get cheated on again I suppose.
Which is interesting to me, because if I’m still with you after I’m no longer a walking hard-on 24/7, then that would indicate to me that I must like other things about you other than your ability to turn me on and get me off. That''s a much bigger validation that chemical-induced ass-grabbery, IMHO.
I like the struggles of marriage, to some degree, more than the high of the chase/reward stage. I can honestly say that I find immense satisfaction after a long, tiring day at Six Flags (or running errands, or whatever) with my family when my son is in bed and my wife and I sit down on the couch and I feel like that she’s the only other person I know who is in it with me for the long haul. I love that moment after a shared stressful day when you make eye contact and all it says is “Whoooo…we made it through that alive.” I think this is where I, too, idealize the old married couple. I have always been vastly more jealous of the 40-something couple out with their kids than I was of the 18-year old couple making out at the mall.
One of my wife’s primary complaints was that I didn’t tell her she was pretty often enough and compliment her on her looks often enough. Now, here’s where the narrative/narrator aspect comes in. I remember telling my wife she was beautiful. Did I do it every single day? Probably not….I didn’t think it was necessary and it simply didn’t occur to me. My wife has told me on multiple occasions that she knows that she’s pretty…she’s been hearing it all her life…but no one ever told her that she was smart, or capable, or talented. So that’s where the bulk of my compliments went…I told her often that she was smart, or a talented, or creative (she designs, creates, constructs and sells wedding dresses and other wedding-related items). I thought I was on the right track until my wife would blow up and blindside me with how often I *don’t* compliment her. And then there’s sex…
…the sexual aspect plays into the chase/pursuit type dynamic, at least for us. I believe that as a result of some cSAB, as well as some societal reinforcement mechanisms, my wife views what she has to bring to the table primarily as a sex object. Well, TMI here, but sex has just never been that interesting to me. I mean, it’s awesome and I love(d) doing it with my wife, but it’s not cool enough for me to spend vast quantities of time and energy thinking about it and when I may or may not have it again. Because of that, all the “do this or I’m going to cut you off” type cultural trope never flew with me. I grew up seeing wives threaten guys with withholding sex, or the whole “housework-as-foreplay” type deal. I decided from an early age to say “FTN”. If a woman wanted to have sex with me, great. If not, there are much less time-consuming ways to get off. (I.e. firing off some knuckle children) The unspoken threat of withholding sex from me as a means of manipulation was/is a tactical failure.
(Note: This trope is so entrenched that you can see other married women’s heads explode by indicating that for you, sex is the prerequisite to laundry or dishes, not the other way around. Or that you don’t care about sex enough to jump through hoops. I’m not saying that these are ‘ok’ conversations to have as a married person. I’m just talking about whipping them out when some know-it-all, advice-giving coworker starts telling other people in the office how to ‘motivate’ their husbands.)
However, my wife had a habit of wanting the validation of sex at a time when I was both least inclined to give it to her (about 2:00 AM, super drunk), and when she’d take it hardest emotionally. It didn’t matter that I had made it clear that sex under those circumstances was a no-go for me….she wanted it damn it, who was I to stand in her way? I told my wife after DDAY that she could’ve awoken me to have sex instead of sneaking over to POSER’s house at 2:00 am, and her answer was basically that she didn’t think I would’ve had sex with her….and she’s probably right. One of the times she went to his house she tried to wake me up for sex beforehand and I told her, “No, I’m tired.” But I think that says something right there…my wife was so desperately needy for immediate validation that instead of taking the chance that her husband might reject her and the hurt that went along with it, she decided to go for the lay-up instead….she KNEW that POSER wasn’t going to say, “No.” Sometimes that helps me get through the day, makes it feel like less of a rejection by her to me…sometimes not.
People with gaping black holes of self-esteem desperate for validation seem to think that anyone not adhering to the rigid structure of external validation providing are the ones who are crazy, because so much of our culture reinforces it, so it must be right.
[This message edited by FacePunched at 10:09 AM, October 11th, 2013 (Friday)]
Wanted to touch on this a bit. The chase, as it were. I firmly believe that in our society, we teach younglings (of both genders) that men chase, and women get chased.
Due to extremely low self-esteem and a fear of being rejected by women, I never chased anyone. Whoever showed any interest in me was the one I got involved with. They just kind of showed up and I went along for the ride.
The danger in that is, instead of choosing someone who I might have been compatible with, I ended up with pot-luck. One M lasted almost 3 years, the second lasted less than 6 months, and this one has gone on for over 28 years.
I never looked at what might happen years down the road, only instant sexual gratification and companionship. Cowardice and stupidity cost me big time.
Since D Day those problems are gone. In fact I'm better than ever in all respects. Probably because I knew something was very wrong in my life and marriage, subconsciously at least, and discovering the affair at least provided answers and was the first step out of the blackness that had seeped into our lives. This assumes that you have a remorseful W or GF who realizes how messed up she is and is trying hard to better herself as a person and to help you heal.
It could be that the affair itself is playing with your head. Maybe it's just a "dealbreaker" as they say around here.
But it could be that you're not getting what you need from WGF. I'm convinced that our subconscious knows things that our conscious mind refuses to see and deal with. Maybe she isn't remorseful, though she may pretend to be. Maybe she hasn't completely let go of her AP, though she says otherwise. Maybe she still has difficulty with the truth, even about simple things because she's so conflict avoidant (a struggle for my wife at times).
Whatever it is, I join Rye and jjct in encouraging you to get counseling, including couples counseling if saving this relationship is a priority.
And exercise. Preferably something that hurts and/or exhausts, like running, weight lifting, full-court basketball, racquetball, etc. Lots of sweat and strain (assuming you're healthy enough to do all of that). Physical pain has a purifying effect.
Best wishes, brother. Look forward to seeing more of you on the Menz thread.
ETA: cannibal, obviously you could also have a medical problem and might need to see a doctor. Take my amateur diagnosis with a grain of salt, but the circumstances lead to the assumption that this is a mental/emotional issue.
[This message edited by Sal1995 at 10:27 AM, October 11th (Friday)]
Strength and welcome.
but a trigger has a certain effect that I will not quantify as ED so much as I will a cock block.
In going through R I have found that I need "more" from my wife in order to get off. More craziness. More interesting sex. Dirtier talk. Okay... I have needed her to be more of a "whore" in bed, for lack of a better word.
I have communicated this to her and she has helped out a ton in this regard. But I'm not sure why I would need this more passionate, "sexier" sex.
Is it even relevant???
I have needed her to be more of a "whore" in bed, for lack of a better word.
Could it be you are trying to reclaim the side of her that you think she was with the OM? Just a thought.
But I'm not sure why I would need this more passionate, "sexier" sex.
Is it even relevant???
IMO, Rye's got it. Is she willing to provide you with what she gave him?
It was an insecurity for me, our sex life had dwindled to the point of me begging and her 'tolerating' maybe twice a month. She willingly, eagerly gave it to him? Damn skippy she had better be accommodating.
Things have stabilized since then. Well for the most part!
ETA Yes, it is very relevant!
[This message edited by 5454real at 11:17 AM, October 11th (Friday)]
For me a lot of the emotion has been taken from sex. Therefore I don't enjoy it nearly as much as I used to. Purely a physical release now.
Maybe without the emotional bond it can make "regular" sex more bland. Thus opening the door to needing more "kink" if you will to keep the excitement.
Mister rabbit says, "A moment of realization is worth a thousand prayers."
Anything to keep Mr. Amazing calling because he was too good to be true and he picked her out of all those other women on AM. Well, her and several others.
Man sidehugs Tred. First round is on me tonight. Well..not ON me because that would be gross. FROM me?!
If her friends find value in me, that must mean that my compliments to her have value and are worthy. If I can provide meaningful validation than I should be cherished.
This also plays into why my validating her didn’t mean anything because if I’m an extension of her then I don’t get my own opinion so she will only believe things from me that she also believes about herself, and if I validate something she doesn’t believe then I must have some ulterior motive (I’m her H so I have too). OTOH, if I criticized something she already felt bad about, I give voice to her deep seated insecurity (that she wouldn’t face) and now I was the cause of all those bad feelings.