Have you told your daughters and exposed the A? That is a personal choice. In my situation my H didn't change or become remorseful until I was ready to divorce him and then he changed. However, I had to get to the point that I was ready to do that. That took a lot of time on my part to get ready for that.
Healing comes at it's own time. Right now, you must take care of you. Eat healthy to heal, do your physical therapy, try to sleep.
Post here when needed, there is a lot of wisdom. He is blameshifting and trying to make this your fault....do not let him do that. You did nothing....you were the faithful one! Hugs to you.
I hate him some days and love him and miss him other days.
We call this the rollercoaster.
Welcome to the carnival ride you never bought a ticket for!
Keep posting. We're here for you. We understand.
Your ticket off the rollercoaster is to love you.
Love yourself enough to take care of you. Don't make your happiness dependent on some other, some cheating lying other.
Make it on you.
I don't think he thought he was risking anything. He has gotten by with this for years, probably most of your marriage, so why would this time be any different. He was obviously a SA and he was never forced to deal with that.
We all know what the pain you are expierencing feels like. It is like no other pain. It is unbearable. He is lashing out because he is angry that finally there were some consequenses for his behavior. Real consequenses.
I doubt that he will change unless he confronts truly what he has done and has real remorse and gets into therapy.
I am so, so, sorry for the pain you are feeling. I remember that pain very well. Take care of yourself and get into some counselling if you can. You need to be able to talk it out. You are about my age, so I know how scary it feels to think that yor marriage may end at this stage in your life.
But you deserve to be respected and loved. You have done nothing wrong.
Keep posting here. It will help a lot. Hugs. K
As others have said it sounds like Mr Slick is indeed a SA and frankly once they start down this path I am not sure they will ever get out of it not without a lot of work anyway, and he sounds like he's not ready to do that work.
I am so sorry you also had this when you hurt yourself. I twisted my ankle last year and all my SA EXH was worried about was not getting any, so I ended up doing what he wanted but at the same time realising he didn't really care about me, not really.
The rollercoaster is hell but you will get through this. You are doing the right thing going to a support group etc.
Very gently, if you consider taking him back, I honestly think you will have to accept him for what he is... and that sounds like a hard thing to accept. But unless he gets some serious treatment and WANTS to be helped and DOES express remorse, you are only going to find yourself in this situation again and again.
Thinking of you. And if you do decide to go it alone, it does get better. It takes ages but it does.
I am trying very hard not to respond to his emails but he knows what buttons to push, I get caught up in the word game. I cannot win, he is so very good at the game. He is the master of the game.
He will win the game of manipulation, because (1) it is a game to him, and (2) he is a liar and a cheat. Let him have his games; you are not a willing participant.
But what you will "win" is the quality of life, although that feels impossible at the moment. Now that you are no longer accepting his behavior, and won't accept to be treated any less than you deserve, you will start to exit this current toxic relationship. You can't put a price on being authentic, and the only person that can stop you from this is yourself. I don't know if your husband has it in him to do the work to be a safe partner again, but his road to recovery is a LOT longer than yours. While he may seem strong and secure on the outside, he is a very, very broken individual.
Don't get drawn into his games. See an attorney if you haven't yet---knowledge is power, and it is time to start arming yourself. The more that you take back control of your life, the stronger and better that you will feel. When your husband starts to realize that you will no longer be a victim, he will back off...because he will realize that he is fighting a losing battle.
Keep reading and posting, along with going to your support groups, as it will really speed up your recovery. Don't accept anything less than a loving, supportive spouse should receive from their partner. You deserve better, and will receive better, if you stay true to yourself.
All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D
You certainly have tolerated more than your fair share of disrespect. Unfortunately while you hoped, and prayed he was done philandering, nothing was done to actually force him to change his ways.
Obviously you are hurting now, so this may seem a bit harsh, but these are some things to consider.
He has shown you over and over who he is, and that is a cheating liar that cheats and lies. Why do you want to stay married to him? He has no respect for you, or himself. He clearly operates from a place of do what you what, hell with the rest of the world.
I would strongly recommend that you get your rear end to an attorney lickety split, and find out what your financial rights are, and how to secure any savings/retirement/pension that you are entitled to. The last thing you need is him hiding/spending the money that you two planned on having for the rest of your lives.
Life can be very short, and you are clearly miserable and have endured more pain than the average person. Why are you afraid? You are a strong capabale woman. You know you don't need a man to be happy, certainly not this guy.
You have spent your life put everyone elses needs first, now it's your turn to be first. Be kind to you. Focus on healing from your injury, and getting back on your feet, if you are overcome by grief then talk to your dr and get some antidepressants.
I would strongly recommend that you maintain NC, and even go ahead and file for D. You act like 63 is ancient, but it's not. Do you deserve to live the next 20 years without real love and respect? (your answer should be no).
Keep posting, keep asking questions, please read the healing library. Rely on your wonderful girls to give you support.
Your H is very broken, and probably not fixable, at least not until he is ready to.
I could have written your post. You say he doesn't even know you. I get that too. You know why? Because he never stopped thinking about himself long enough to see you. You were the giver and he took it all. Same here.
All this hateful stuff he is throwing at you is just an attempt to get you to succumb, like always. Right? I promise you this, if you will stay strong & stay the course you will see a man you have never seen before one way or the other. He will eventually start seeing the carnage he is leaving in his wake & his thinking will change, one way or the other and, that will help you see what you need to see. I can't tell you how long it will take. That's the agonizing part. Just know you are not alone. There is a thread in the I Can Relate forum for partners/spouses of sex addicts. I bet you will see some see some similarities with some of us.
I'm so sorry you were forced to join our ranks but, you have come to right place. You are going to learn things you never knew about yourself but, it will move you in the right direction. Stay strong honey. It's a really rough ride but, enough is enough. Respect yourself & demand it from him as well. Don't hug his neck, don't reassure him, don't coddle him. Keep him at a distance and let him know that he has indeed crossed the line of what you will live with. Let him know you are in charge and he will only come home if and when you decide and not because of threats. Make him be a man for once, not a child.
But you've found us and right now this is the best place for you to be so welcome.
Cardinal...you said you aren't the kind of person to go out after his money. Well START being that kind of person. You have a good 20 to 30 YEARS of life left and do you want to spend them worrying about money?????
Think of if this way; Only by the grace of the Big Guy Upstairs did you NOT get infected with an STD from your WS's antics. The money is what your WS owes you for putting your life and the life of your kids in danger.
Talk with your lawyer and go for all you can get. You will need it in the future. Make sure you get a shark of a lawyer who will go after your WS like he's a piece of chum in the water.
"Sexual Addicts are serial cheaters; but not all serial cheaters are Sexual Addicts." There are very clear perimeters on what constitutes an SA. My FWS was a serial cheater but not an SA and from what you tell us your WS is simply a cheater who never had to suffer any consequences from his actions so just kept on doing them.
You also need to contact the BS of the last married AP of your WS. He deserves the right to make an informed decision on his life and the life of his child. You are not the one hurting that child; the skanky mom is.
You are a strong woman and the best years of your life are right around the corner.....you just don't know it yet!!!!!!!
Secondly, I would like to say emphatically that your husband may NOT be a sex addict.
I get so angry when people start throwing that in there when the only evidence is ongoing infidelity. There is MUCH more to being a SA than just being a serial cheater. Please don't focus on labeling your WH right now. Focus on healing YOU. If you are wondering about SA, please do more research. Don't let anyone tell you he is a SA without knowing more. There is not enough in your post to even BEGIN to label him.
((((((HUGS)))))) to you.
I want to be rid of him but I cannot pull the plug, WHY ???
Because you gave your heart and soul to this man for a very, very long time---and that cannot be shut off at the flip of a switch.
Give it time. Keep your distance from him. Remember that No Contact=No New Hurts.
And the more emotional distance that you put in...along with focusing on yourself...and you will find yourself strong enough to make a decision in either way. If your husband pulled off the miracle of miracles, and dug deep on himself, he may become the person that you always thought he may be. But don't count on it, and don't wait for it. Keep working on getting yourself to a place where any decision that you make(stay or leave) is a decision motivated by only your clear conscience, and nothing else.
That would be a genuine choice...and there is no wrong decision when you make it.
[This message edited by jb3199 at 5:35 AM, September 19th (Thursday)]
ED with a loving marriage partner can be bearable, but since he has thrown that away I can see misery on the horizon.
I hear the honking of the karma bus....