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User Topic: I wonder how often the AP gets tired of waiting?
PositiveAttitude
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Member # 40624
Default  Posted: 9:50 PM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have to wonder this in my situation. I've made it clear in most of my posts here that my husband has perfected the art of fence sitting with regard to both myself and OW.

It appears that OW is getting tired of him not committing to her after she arranged DDay in April - after nearly a year of trying. Yes, I knew what was going on, but I refused to confront him without hard concrete evidence from HIS hand. He finally got sloppy, and gave me everything I needed.

So now it leads me to wonder . . . is she getting tired and will she move on? I realize that someone else could also come along if he doesn't fix his internal issues and brokenness. I'm just curious as to why the AP would fence sit too. I stay because I have children, financial entanglements, a decade of life with him, and love. She has only 2.5 years and stolen love - she's single and ten years younger. What does this fence sitting offer her?

[This message edited by PositiveAttitude at 9:51 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 170 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From:
SisterMilkshake
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Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 10:39 PM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good question. The AP in our situation fished and stalked my FWH for 8 years after he ended the affair. OW was married twice and divorced once during the entire time it was having an affair with my FWH. OW is divorced from second husband and living with a different man, but was still fishing for my FWH. OW told my FWH he was the "Love of Its Life".

I don't know what they get out of it. However, someone recently posted an article about sociopaths. They really want to "win". I believe that is what is going on with our particular OW. It can't bear to lose, must win at any cost.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9415 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
HeartStings
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Member # 38017
Default  Posted: 11:05 PM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Really good question. The OW in my sitch wants a green card. WH is too stupid to figure this out. I think she recently gave him an ultimatum, and he didn't cave. (Thanks MIL and FIL! They told him he will be disinherited if he divorces me).

So I'm quite sure she will be moving on. There has to be some single guy she's rubbing down!

That doesn't mean my WH will suddenly become remorseful or regretful. No. I'm sure he will just move on to the next skank for his validation.


Posts: 111 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: New England
RightTrack
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Member # 36976
Default  Posted: 11:09 PM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OW are used to sharing a guy, I wouldn't try to outwait them.

Posts: 609 | Registered: Sep 2012
PositiveAttitude
♀ Member
Member # 40624
Default  Posted: 11:33 PM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's what I thought - they are used to sharing so they will never quit. Except in my case OW was fed up with sharing WH. Hence the reason she pulled the stunt she pulled for me to find out.

She was also really putting the screws to WH to leave me. Her plan didn't go as she imagined when I didn't kick him out, and he didn't leave immediately.

I read an article the other day that said in affairs women want their AP to become reality and men want their affair partner to remain the fantasy. So that got me pondering my original question.


Posts: 170 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From:
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 2:11 AM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wonder the same thing. My best guesstimation is the A started about 2 to 3 yrs before DD1 which is coming up next month 4yrs ago). They still have daily contact, I guess its safe to assume they.must get together somehow. I can't for the life of me figure out why a single woman would live like this but hell, I'm married to him and living like this, right? I can only assume she likes this arrangement OR. they have some grand plan in order to be together someday.
I will say that before I found SI, I ventured into a site for OW and was shocked at how many of them had been waiting for yrs..one of them 20yrs. I guess like me, they have watched days turn to weeks, to years, to decades. Time flies when your waiting for humpty dumpty to fall off the fence. or get knocked off.
Some get impatient and make trouble for the ws and some suffer in silence maybe they have boyfriends that help fill the void.

[This message edited by Ostrich80 at 2:14 AM, September 18th (Wednesday)]


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 4741 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
Bobbi_sue
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Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 2:16 AM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OW are used to sharing a guy, I wouldn't try to outwait them.

This. But you are right that some of them want to be chosen, and want them to D the spouse. Of those, I am sure there are some that get tired of waiting and dump the MM or MW. But I sure would not count on it.

While the author of the article you mentioned may have been able to find some "cases" that seem to indicate OWs want the fantasy to become reality (and hope to marry the MM) while MM want to keep their fantasy, there are just as many cases out there that are opposite, or both want to keep the fantasy. And we can't ignore the fact that some married people actually do get a D and end up with the OP, permanently. (My XH is married to the final OW and they have been married over 20 years now).

I am very selfish when it comes to love and cannot share my man, so I have some difficulty relating to OWs that do that, on an ongoing basis. But in my case, I would be no more willing to wait out the situation while my H was involved with another, because of the fact we were married and had kids.

In my case, I don't know my XH would have "chosen" the OW, and in fact I'm fairly certain if I had waited it out and wanted to remain a "choice" for him, he would have chosen me. But I filed for a D two days after the final D day, and never looked back. We were married for 12 years at that time and had three kids, the youngest was 3 at the time.


Posts: 5685 | Registered: Apr 2006
solus sto
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Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 7:32 AM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think APs choose their partners for what they get from them---and that full-time, live-in relationships aren't necessarily on their agendas.

Some people want an "uncomplicated," part-time thing, and married "partners" fill the bill quite nicely.

For the "nice girls" and guys who want a life with the married WSs, well....I am sure they do get tired of having the carrot pulled back, as the "deadline" for leaving the BS changes over and over.

I can't muster up much sympathy for this--though I do admit I harbor a lot for OPs who are not aware they're involved with married men/women.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 52, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8344 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
LivinginLimbo
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Member # 35004
Default  Posted: 7:43 AM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After a year and a half of her letting FWH she still thought of him, it took a letter from a lawyer to make her stop.

She actually got another cell phone when we blocked her number. These are crazy bitches. Sister Milkshake is spot on. They don't want to be the loser.


BS - 62
FWH - 60
Married 34 years
D-Day 2/12/12
Doing well with R

Posts: 1003 | Registered: Mar 2012
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 7:45 AM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Except in my case OW was fed up with sharing WH. Hence the reason she pulled the stunt she pulled for me to find out.
Yes, after 4-7 years of being FWB's my FWH ended the affair. For the next 6 years OW stalked and fished for my FWH. Finally, it got fed up and sent me a letter pretending to be its dead ex-husband and exposed the affair to me. Had to pretend to be the dead ex-husband so when I kicked FWH to the curb it would be able to swoop in and have him and FWH wouldn't be mad at it for exposing them.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9415 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
NeverAgain2013
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Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I realize that someone else could also come along if he doesn't fix his internal issues and brokenness. I'm just curious as to why the AP would fence sit too. I stay because I have children, financial entanglements, a decade of life with him, and love. She has only 2.5 years and stolen love - she's single and ten years younger. What does this fence sitting offer her?

Anyone whose ever spent any time at all reading OW support boards out on the internet can pretty much see a pattern in most of them.

Their desperation to 'win' their man is sometimes so palpable you can actually cut it with a knife.

These are people with just no self respect left and precious little expectations in life because they've chosen to live on a starvation diet of married man bread crumbs tossed at their feet. The smallest, most insignificant 'token' of affection or attention from their married man becomes a cause for celebration for them - a worthless text with empty promises, a worthless email with empty promises, a 2-minute phone call with empty promises, and the list goes on and on. You should see them all bragging about these ridiculous little insignifcant things to each other on their message boards, basically trying to make a banquet out a few crumbs tossed to them by some lying cheater, trying desperately to find hidden meaning in his 5 word text or 2 sentence email.

While it's pretty comical to see desperation THIS extreme being displayed by supposedly intelligent adults, it's also pretty sad to watch.

If this OW is anything like the OW I've seen posting on support boards over the last 20 years, she'll just continue duluding herself out of desperation like most of them do, fervently believing that one day their prince will come.

Pitiful, really.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1580 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
PositiveAttitude
♀ Member
Member # 40624
Default  Posted: 8:05 AM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Had to pretend to be the dead ex-husband so when I kicked FWH to the curb it would be able to swoop in and have him and FWH wouldn't be mad at it for exposing them.

When faced with the evidence of what she had done, OW told WH that her friend did it because she was concerned about her. Trash - all of them - trash.

WH told her he knew it wasn't her friend that had done it. At any rate - it's not like it made a difference to him. Nor did it make a difference to him when she started telling our friends. I don't even KNOW this woman, and she was determined to destroy me. :-(

His excuse to me was that he understood why she did it . . .

I honestly do not know how I've survived the last 5 months with evil people like this in my life.


Posts: 170 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From:
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 8:40 AM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

His excuse to me was that he understood why she did it . . .

Why does he feel she did it? Just curious. Because she luuuuurrrrrrvvvvvveeeeeeddddd him so much? And, I mean, who can blame OW? He is really just something, ain't he?

These cake eating fools piss me off so much. They just think they are the cock of the walk.

Luckily (?) the affair was long over when OW told me and any feelings my FWH may have had for OW were long gone and, in fact, had turned to hatred due to its relentless stalking and fishing of him.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9415 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
PositiveAttitude
♀ Member
Member # 40624
Default  Posted: 8:43 AM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh my gosh! How did you know what his excuse for her was? Amazing!

Of course when I did anything in retaliation (and I did VERY LITTLE) it was because I was "just trying to hurt her." Poor little thing.


Posts: 170 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From:
PositiveAttitude
♀ Member
Member # 40624
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If this OW is anything like the OW I've seen posting on support boards over the last 20 years, she'll just continue duluding herself out of desperation like most of them do, fervently believing that one day their prince will come.

Pitiful, really.

I think she probably is like that - except she was seeing another man almost the entirety of this year.

So what the hell was my WH thinking too?? OMG, my head just can't grasp it today. Ugh, and it's my anniversary to boot.


Posts: 170 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From:
uncertainone
♀ Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't read any articles or any of the OW blogs but I know my ex friend didn't have a plan at all. Her life was hard, her now ex suffering from PTSD and not the nicest even before that. She didn't plan. Didn't plot. Didn't think. She just felt, and boy did she pick a bad target for feelings with my ex.

He just took what was offered.

Sometimes it's just that simple. You can order shoes from across the country and have them at your doorstep next day. I mostly get samples of perfume because by the time I'm done with them I'm sick of the fragrance. Life has become instant and temporary with choices everywhere. Only limits are financial, many times.

If moral compasses aren't strong enough to overcome circumstances bad shit happens.

I remember one of my co-workers being very honest about her affair with a married man. I asked her why she would ever consider a future with him. She laughed and said she wouldn't. Why would she want someone that would cheat on someone he promised to love. He was fun. He was "safe" and like perfume samples great until used up and sick of how he "smelled".


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
struggling16
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Member # 33202
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's pathetic, isn't it? In our case the AP finally got a clue that she was just making up scenarios and my stupid WH didn't contradict those delusions. He played along because he was using the AP for ego strokes and sex.

The reality is that the AP wanted him to buy her stuff (the final thing was a flat screen tv she could give her father for Christmas) and she realized that my WH hadn't ponied up for anything except cheap motel rooms and meals for the whole A. So the AP generously told him that if he were to "rekindle" his relationship with his wife she would understand. Little did she realize that he had had enough, too. The timing coincided with the final Dday. He never contacted the AP again.

[This message edited by struggling16 at 10:25 AM, September 18th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 704 | Registered: Aug 2011
uncertainone
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Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's pathetic, isn't it

Meh, not really. If that much thought about it was done I'd think it could be said taking them back is pathetic too. After all, the OW/OM isn't stuck with the cheater (in the "waiting" scenario) or any of the mess left from that shit show, for the most part.

If one doesn't think cheating is a moral breach they don't have the shame, guilt, horror that can be so "inconvenient".

Guess I didn't think spending a whole lot of time on her was a wise investment. Of course, came to the very same conclusion with my ex, so there's that. Only thing pathetic to me was my choices. Now that's very much worth my effort and energy!


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
TrustGone
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Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think some get tired of waiting and other's never do.

In our case OW waited for him to leave me the first year. He didn't, but he did give her an engagement ring to shut her up. She finally got tired of his excuses and lies and outed his ass thinking he would then leave me or I would kick him out. That didn't work out so well for her, but it didn't stop her from continuing to see him for almost another year and then she outed him again and has tried on several occasions since DDay#2 to break NC. As far as I know she hasn't tried to contact him since April, but I wouldn't be surprised if she does it again or even if he does it again.

If he does she can have him because he will no longer be worth my time and effort and he knows it. So for now the ball is in his court and we shall see what he does with it. Just like I told her, "if he will cheat with you, he will cheat on you" and that's a fact. She was no more to him than a fuckbuddy and if he got caught and I threw him out, she was his plan B. If he wants to keep plan A he had better keep it in his pants.


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
Lalagirl
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Member # 14576
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Of course when I did anything in retaliation (and I did VERY LITTLE) it was because I was "just trying to hurt her."

BIG

When FWH's head was stuck in his ass, he also said this. Oh, and I'll bet you get "She's a good person."...oh lord, the WS Cheater's Handbook...while I've not seen one, there just has to be one!


Me - 49; FWH - 51
Married 30 years 9/2/13
2 grown daughters-30 & 26
5yo GS & 18 mo. GD & GB #4 due 8/14(DD30) and 2yo GD(DD26). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07
Reconciled! Construction Complete.

Posts: 4967 | Registered: May 2007
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