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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: He asked to take the dogs, again
erzulie
♀ Member
Member # 3293
Concerned  Posted: 11:02 PM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

and I told him I was not comfortable with that.

We were in front of the counselor ... who then witnessed the ensuing meltdown. He first said "what, so woud it be better if I just died?!?". I did not respond. Then he said, "so, you are going to punish our dogs?"

That's when my blood boiled.

How dare HE accuse ME of punishing them! I am working night and day to take care of them - including protecting their feelings in all of this. I am trying to shield them from drama and trauma as much as possible!

He stormed out after that.

I don't understand why, but man did it hurt that he would accuse me of anything - ESPECIALLY that.


A saying for my SI Family: "We may not have it all together, but together we have it all".

Fooled twice - almost exactly 10 years apart.


Posts: 3377 | Registered: Jan 2004 | From: California
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 11:06 PM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Poor Muffin Man! He just finally felt a consequence. Poor Baby Man.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9827 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
h0peless
♂ Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 11:11 PM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My experience with my two dogs was that when my ex would randomly stop by the house for something, they would be really happy while she was there and then really confused for days afterwards. The sensitive one would just sit by the door and wait for her.

Aside from protecting them from abduction, you are protecting them emotionally by providing stability.


Posts: 1736 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Baja Arizona
persevere
♀ Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 11:12 PM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I insisted that my XWH could not take the dogs unless they were declared as my property in the decree. He insisted on a visitation schedule that he used once. I think OW kabashed that lol.

My only regret is that I didn't insist on a financial responsibility for vet expenses along w his crazy visitation schedule. Be sure to throw that out there if he pushes it.


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4609 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
Catwoman
♀ Member
Member # 1330
Default  Posted: 4:41 AM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nice mantrum.

Glad it happened in front of the counselor so that she sees exactly the kind of manipulation you are dealing with.

Hang in there--you ARE doing the right thing.


FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 25 and 22. Divorced by the grace of GOD.
D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03
Ex & OW Broke up 12-10
"An erection does not count as personal growth."

Posts: 29664 | Registered: Apr 2003 | From: Massachusetts
Williesmom
♀ Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 6:41 AM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good job. He quit the team, and now he's feeling the pain.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7769 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 6:51 AM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are doing the right thing. I had to give up my dogs; I'm still sad, but I won't visit them. I had the opportunity in recent months and did not do it because of the trauma it would cause them.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20289 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
erzulie
♀ Member
Member # 3293
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all, so much.

And the God's honest truth is that the dogs are doing great! They aren't moping or looking for him (they were after the time I did let him come in). They are eating, sleeping well, getting their exercise every day, and wagging their tails a lot. I have made it my #1 priority to keep them on a highly stable routine, knowing that will help. And when I have sad moments, I relegate them to when I am out of the house, so they are not subjected to them.

If they visited with my WH, I am certain they'd revert to moping and looking for him. And they'd be confused.

Oh, and another odd thing that he said in front of the counselor. I told him that I felt he needed to find a more long-term living solution for himself - that it wasn't fair to string him along with thinking he might come back here. His sad face quickly turned to an angy one, with a "well, we will have to talk budget then right away, because I am not willing to live in squalor!" Like I was suggesting he live in squalor ... it was so odd. I've been nothing but congenial with him, telling him that anything that he needs, he can have - making it clear I'm not looking to screw him or punish him. I am not that person. I am only trying to do what is best for me at the moment, with as little negative impact upon him as possible.

His hostility and accusations are so confounding. One minute, he's crying and saying he loves me, he will do anything to help me heal. The next moment, he's flying off the handle, accusing me of punishing our dogs and insinuating he needs to live in squalor.

Insulting, to say the least. What is tht all about? Maybe his hostile moments are the few where he is actually being honest...?


A saying for my SI Family: "We may not have it all together, but together we have it all".

Fooled twice - almost exactly 10 years apart.


Posts: 3377 | Registered: Jan 2004 | From: California
lieshurt
♀ Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What is tht all about?

He is exposing his true self to you.

As far as the dogs, he doesn't really want to see them. It's just a way to keep you engaged in the drama.


Walk away from anything or anyone who takes away your joy. Life is too short to put up with fools.

Posts: 13809 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
damncutekitty
♀ Member
Member # 5929
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe his hostile moments are the few where he is actually being honest...?

He is desperately looking for any possible way to make you the bad guy so he can sleep at night.


Keep calm and carry on.

Posts: 49482 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: Minneapolis
doggiemom12
Member
Member # 36041
Default  Posted: 3:58 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Be very careful about this.

My late STBX tried to get me to let him have the dogs overnight a couple of times. I always said no. He got to see them when I brought them to lunches in a public place.

When I got into his computer after he committed suicide I found many inquiries on his history about in home pet euthanasia. Thank heavens I never let him have them. I believe he intended to kill them too to hurt me.

Say no about the dogs. Period. If he wants to visit them meet him at a park.


White bird must fly or she will die . . .

Posts: 268 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: in divorce land
erzulie
♀ Member
Member # 3293
Default  Posted: 4:48 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, doggie mom ... your story made me shudder.

He's not coming anywhere near them. My own father just asked me, "why don't you just let him take them for a little bit?" I unloaded. This man felt no compunction about setting off an atom bomb in my heart. What kind of a blithering idiot would let him anywhere near those I love most?

I liken his request to Hitler asking a Jewish person for a bandaid. Equally ridiculous.

(I hope that statement doesn't offend anyone - not meant to)


A saying for my SI Family: "We may not have it all together, but together we have it all".

Fooled twice - almost exactly 10 years apart.


Posts: 3377 | Registered: Jan 2004 | From: California
ruinedandbroken
♀ Member
Member # 29250
Default  Posted: 5:53 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Aaaawh, poor baby. How old is he, four?


“People who cheat feel that life is for the taking, and that everyone deserves happiness no matter what the cost. I must remember these tricks if I ever have my soul surgically removed."
Me: BS 42. Him: WH 41 2 Kids 6&9
Married 14 yrs Together 21

Posts: 1575 | Registered: Aug 2010
sparkysable
♀ Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 8:21 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ah yes, the NPD meltdown when they don't get their way.

I'm suspicious as to why he is so insistent. *insert wildly waving red flag icon*. He's up to something, and it ain't good, whatever it is.


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3412 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
tesla
♀ Member
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 8:28 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The more he insists on them the more you should protect them.
Ex-shat kept bringing up the dog he wanted *every* conversation before I finally got NC firmly established. Then he would send me an email here and there regarding the dog. He got desperate when the settlement talks were scheduled and that's when he broke in and stole the wrong dog and thought he would ransom the pup back to me for the one he really wanted.

Be on your guard. He is entitled and selfish and if he thinks those animals should be with him then be prepared.

FTG.


"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4687 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
Too_Trusting
♀ Member
Member # 99
Default  Posted: 8:29 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As far as the dogs, he doesn't really want to see them. It's just a way to keep you engaged in the drama.

^^this^^

He reacts with anger about "squalor" because he was forced to face that you are NOT going to take him back. He figures if he makes YOU think you'll be living in squalor without his income, you'll let him come back. That's what I think. He's grasping at straws.


"Anyone perfect must be lying; anything easy has its cost. Anyone plain can be lovely; anyone loved can be lost." Barenaked Ladies

Posts: 2482 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: North Carolina
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mr NPD is finally seeing the results of his actions, and it may be the first time in his life that he can't sweet talk his way out of it. Be prepared for Crazy at every level.

Make sure you have added a lock to your home where he can't get in with old keys, more than one person has had their pets abducted. He no more wants those dogs than the man in the moon. What he wants is to cause you pain, it's the only way he can live with his.

Let him fit, storm, and carry on, and keep your cool. This isn't about you, it's about NPD consequences for actions.

((((and strength)))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8714 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
sparkysable
♀ Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I got into his computer after he committed suicide I found many inquiries on his history about in home pet euthanasia. Thank heavens I never let him have them. I believe he intended to kill them too to hurt me.

My XWH killed my cat. He denies it, but I know he did. I suspect he injected her with something, since he is a paramedic, and has access to injectable things.

Protect yourself and your pets. This goes beyond an innocent person who wants to spend time with dogs.


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3412 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
Topic Posts: 18

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