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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Uncharted Territory
MutedMan
♂ New Member
Member # 36669
Default  Posted: 7:11 AM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was a man who thought he would never divorce. Who thought he had done everything to prevent this from happening.
For the last 19 months I have tried my best to get beyond my STBX's issues.
I've tried to get her to work on herself so that I could feel some sence of permanancy to our marriage.
She has an IC that says "There is nothing wrong with you, it's him."
Really? And all that is needed is for me to NEVER MENTION ANYTHING RELATED TO THE LTA. Even as it related to my feeelings.
I was told " so long as you make her happy she will not cheat," Really? Just that simple? And when she decides for whatever reason that she's not happy then what?
All the excuse she needs is "I don't fell happy?".
Her IC was our MC until I fired her feminazi a$$. Naturally the wife stuck with her as she said exactly what STBX wanted to hear.
So now my demands are no longer of any concern to me.
I have stopped trying and caring except as it concerns my children. I've made it clear that divorce is the next step and that eliminating our debt is a priority. Her going back to work full time was expected when the kids reached school age.
Now she makes up excuses as to why she cannot go full time. First she tells me that the hospital doesn't need any full time help...
then she catches herself complaining about how they are understaffed and training a new person that will not begin to fill the void...
She has the potential to make more than I do but loves her part time - have your cake and eat it too, lifestyle.
Yesterday my daughter told me that the STBX was crying during my sons soccer practice. Why does this bother my. Why do I let her shift her guilt onto me?
Why can't this be over?

[This message edited by MutedMan at 7:12 AM, September 18th (Wednesday)]


Me=BS 42
Her=WW 37
DDAY=Feb. 2012
5yr long term affair
2 little kids
Forward does not necessarily mean together.

Posts: 48 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Mutedman
FaithFool
♀ Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She has an IC that says "There is nothing wrong with you, it's him."

Dealbreaker right there ^^^.

Sorry it's come to this, but it sounds like you're on the right track.

Nothing like a big steaming cup of "Wake the Fuck Up" to break the wayward out of her fantasy bubble.

Her widdle feelings are hurt?

Too
Fucking
Bad

This is what you get when you choose to step out.

There is only so much time you can spend beating your head against the wall. Life is way too short.

Big hugs, it's going to be a long haul but you'll get there.

[This message edited by FaithFool at 8:26 AM, September 18th (Wednesday)]


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17551 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yesterday my daughter told me that the STBX was crying during my sons soccer practice. Why does this bother my. Why do I let her shift her guilt onto me?

Why are you assuming that she's crying over something that you value. She is probably mourning the loss of her lifestyle. She is going to miss eating cake and have to wake up and face the real world now.

"There is nothing wrong with you, it's him."

GTFO. If she believes in this, it's over, run. What a self=entitling mentality this *counselor* is promoting. Sounds like you should have had the affair first, then *it wouldn't be you, it's her*. Or does that only work for women?

Strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2995 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
MutedMan
♂ New Member
Member # 36669
Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Faith and 545.
It has been a very long strange trip thus far.
I don't worry about me.
I'm not concerned with the financial aspects of this. If I could keep my children from hurting because of the divorce by living on the street I would be packing a backpack and gathering up cardboard.
STBX stated "My affair had nothing to do with the children, don't throw them in my face."
As if one can be a great parent while living another entirely separate life, exposing all of us to STD's and fighting to justify guilt.
The day has just begun and all I really want to do is go to sleep and forget.

[This message edited by MutedMan at 9:39 AM, September 18th (Wednesday)]


Me=BS 42
Her=WW 37
DDAY=Feb. 2012
5yr long term affair
2 little kids
Forward does not necessarily mean together.

Posts: 48 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Mutedman
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 4:22 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And all that is needed is for me to NEVER MENTION ANYTHING RELATED TO THE LTA. Even as it related to my feeelings. I was told " so long as you make her happy she will not cheat,"

AYFKM? The first thing I would do is report her fucking arse. Like yesterday.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5609 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Merlin
♂ Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 5:05 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

'Muted',

For all of us, the belief that good behavior begets good outcomes dies hard. But die it must.

When you are dealing with self-absorbed people, only the short, sharp break with the past may work.

Those marital debts are already half hers. That won't change if you divorce her.

As for her IC, there are many quacks out there that will take your money, then borrow your watch to tell you what time it is or tell you whatever you want to hear, no matter how cracked it is. Of course it's unethical. But there is little you can do about it.

[This message edited by Merlin at 5:07 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)]


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1164 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
MutedMan
♂ New Member
Member # 36669
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I finally went to see a lawyer to learn just how difficult the divorce process will be.
I was not surprised to know that custody will be whatever the WW will agree to unless I can show her to be incompetent, which she is not.
So I tell the WW everything I learned- remember I'm not the deceitful type...she need to be reminded as she assumes I will double deal like she did/does.
Now she want to make concessions- "I'll go to a different IC, I'll work on my anger issues, I'll do whatever it takes." - No mention of the timeline or changing jobs. No communication beyond the superficial.
I told her it was too late- this needed to happen months ago when she chose to blame me for her lack of morals.
I spent some time Saturday with a friend (female). I had to lie about who I was going to go out with so WW did not go ballistic.
When I came home I told her.
This is a strictly platonic relationship and WW know this but WANTS to be able to accuse me of her own shortcomings. She was angy and asked a dozen questions hoping to catch me at something.
I told her I was mad that I had to lie to her just to keep the peace.
She then asked me "Why don't you appreciate that I'm not angry about it?" Huh?
Sunday morning began with a line of questioning about what exactly we did Saturday for two hours.
Fact is, I took her to a range and taught her to shoot- she's living in fear of an abusive X.

WW now is back in "It never happened" mode. I am in a tailspin from sheer confusion.


Me=BS 42
Her=WW 37
DDAY=Feb. 2012
5yr long term affair
2 little kids
Forward does not necessarily mean together.

Posts: 48 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Mutedman
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you are going to D, you need to detach. Read and re-read about the 180 and also http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/divorce/no_contact.asp.

This is very important. Talk only about finances and the kids.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20292 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was not surprised to know that custody will be whatever the WW will agree to unless I can show her to be incompetent
Unless one of you IS incompetent generally these days 50/50 is a starting point with custody. The other factor is whether either of you actually can't do 50/50 because of work or something like that. Don't believe or accept that custody or any part of Divorce is decided by one person. It is essentially a negotiation. Yes the negotiation can deteriorate into WAR but that's when you rely on a competent lawyer to handle things for you.

Make no mistake you are doing yourself a disservice by telling your WW all of your legal business. She is no longer your friend. She is on the opposite side of the table in a LEGAL DISPUTE that can possibly affect the rest of your life. Make decisions for you and your kids but let your WW make her own decisions. She may be panicking now but she won't be for long. At some point when it finally sinks in that you are serious about D and the cake eating will end she will likely turn on you. If your intent is to file for D then get the process started as soon as you can. You and your L draft up a property settlement agreement, custody document, and anything else needed in your state/country. Continued interacting with her allows her to keep her hooks in that much longer and throw you off your game. The craziness ends when you say it does. Sending you strength...

ETA: Yes, detach as best you can. I had to do it during in-house S but it's doable and helps you to deactivate or remove that "give a shit" button.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 12:04 PM, September 23rd (Monday)]


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1912 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
hopeandchange
♂ Member
Member # 33287
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your tale is so familiar. The IC-you are not being attractive when meeting with WW

A did not affect kids - same delusion

H$C


BH (me, 50)
WS (her, 48)
Divorced!
3 wonderful teens
Heading for Happiness

Posts: 405 | Registered: Sep 2011
Take2
♀ Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 5:45 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In that you are posting in D/S I assume you are on your way to D. So then, no need to lie to WW - honestly tell her that who you are with and what you do, is now no longer any of her business.

I think it is great that you are willing to live in a car to take care of the kids and all - but you don't need to spoon feed the WW cake while you are at it.

Stick to kids and finances. And I wouldn't be footing the bill on that IC either. Detach! Being deceitful and doing her leg work for her - are two different things. Breast your cards!


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4135 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
Gr8Lady
♀ Member
Member # 36307
Default  Posted: 8:32 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To faithful fool.....I just love your comment.
Nothing like a big steaming cup of wake the fuck up

Where the hell is that served, we need to open up a coffee shop with that specialty.


BS: Me (63yo)
FWH: HIM (65yo) serial infidelities over past 35 years
OW: Many, most recent 1/2 his age
DD: Multiple unconfirmed until 2012 when I presented evidence, plus LTA with his friends wife lasting 10 years. TT over past year
So done,

Posts: 618 | Registered: Jul 2012
MutedMan
♂ New Member
Member # 36669
Default  Posted: 6:48 AM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for your encouraging words.
It seems no matter how I put it the WW wants anotherchance at making it work.
I believe I will have to serve her the divorce before she will accept that her actions have consequences.
I ache for what this means for my children's future but I see no other way to maintain my values and integrity, not to mention my sanity.
Thanks again to all.
"Send Lawyers Guns and Money..."


Me=BS 42
Her=WW 37
DDAY=Feb. 2012
5yr long term affair
2 little kids
Forward does not necessarily mean together.

Posts: 48 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Mutedman
Brandon808
♂ Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It seems no matter how I put it the WW wants anotherchance at making it work.
Everything you've described is someone who wants another chance to rugsweep and blameshift just to avoid the inconvenience of D. Actually I would say it's even worse than that. According to her IC " so long as you make her happy she will not cheat," so another chance amounts to her giving you the chance to dedicate yourself completely to her happiness and her having built-in justification from her IC to stray again if you don't. Who wouldn't want that?

No thank you. Check please.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 4000 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
Topic Posts: 14

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