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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Monogamy
Naivete123
♀ Member
Member # 38715
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's been awhile since I've been on SI. Things have been going well enough since June vac back to US. We just had our 3rd MC today.

What I have been struggling with since DD is that WS told me he wanted us, our family- didn't want to lose me. He gave me full disclosure answered all my questions re A, abided by NC...etc. I perceived his words and actions to mean he was willing to do what needed to be done to fix our marriage.

MC suggested we read "Getting the Love you want" Harville Hendrix. Which has been eye opening for WS as to why he has these "problems". Getting to the root of them. Eye opening for me as well. What I get the whole gist of the book is to find that connection that was lost.

In MC, WS said that he feels there is no connection, that our marriage is at 60-70%.
WS stated he did not find me sexually attractive anymore.
WS is not sure he can ever be monogamous.

I worry (though it would be good if it is reciprocated in the end) that I put my all in to this and find that I still am in love with WS... but he can't live a monogamous life. Wtf
I fear that when all is said and done.... starting over, loving some one again. And that there is where my "issues" lie. I have never been able to be fully open to people. It is a chore for me to make friends...let alone a lover.

The one bright side of this, is hubby has recognized and acknowledged his problems and will be seeking IC to deal with those specific issues.

There really is so much more I'd like to say, but the monogamy thing is what is killing me.

He was physically monogamous for 15 yrs. of our marriage...was it really that hard for him?


I WILL NOT drink the Kool Aid.

The grass is greener on the other side. But they put chemicals on theirs.


Posts: 60 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: USA
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Naivete123 - HUGS!

If you and him had issues, the A just magnifies things so much more and it makes it even more harder to fix it all. Why oh why do spouses go the infidelity route when they have the problem right under their noses and it's easier to fix while there's still monogamy. It is true for my FWW. There's issues about us, about her, about everything, but now resolving it all is 50 million times harder.

Keep strong. You'll get through this.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1401 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
RockyMtn
♀ Member
Member # 37043
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

l Are you sure he was monogamous all those years? Totally possible that he was, but it kind of jumped out at me.

He's either saying the monogamy thing because it is true OR because he's still foggy. And I don't mean foggy necessarily as his still pining for his A partner. Just that he's still in justification mode. Justifying what he did, making excuses, etc (which would also explain the lack of sexual attraction comment). I guess I don't know much about your story or how R is going. It sounds like it is going OK, though.

I haven't read that book, but I've heard of waywards reading books and getting an idea from it (or from a counselor) and running with the idea because they are searching for answers so badly...even if the book or counselor suggestion wasn't really spot on. Does that make sense? Sometimes we're so desperate to explain our behaviors - so we pick any explanation thrown our way.


Me, BS, 30s
Him, WS, 30s, Steppenwolf
Kids: Yep
D-Day 1: September 2011, 6 week EA
D-Day 2: January 2013, discovered EA was a PA; there was another PA in 2010. All TT.
Goal = serenity.

Posts: 667 | Registered: Oct 2012
crazyblindsided
♀ Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are you sure he was monogamous all those years?

I know I am so jaded I had this exact thought.


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 5:45 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think this is the case, but it's possible that your H knows himself well and knows he simply doesn't want to be monogamous. If that's the case, you have a choice between an open M or splitting.

That line about no finding you sexually attractive, however, makes me think he's blame-shifting - he seems to be saying he cheated because he doesn't find you attractive, and that sounds like crap to me. That and the fact that he had an A makes me suspect he's not being honest with you or with himself about not wanting monogamy. If he really is defining himself as non-monogamous, I think he would have told you, asked you what you wanted to do, and worked out an open M or D before seeking other partners.

I think WSes cheat to dodge their own pain. Unless your H is willing to deal with his own pain, he's not a candidate for R.

If he wants 'connection', he has to work for it. It may start magically, but it takes conscious effort to build and maintain it. He had a connection with you, but he blew it apart. If he's not willing to do the rebuilding work, what do you want him for? You're loving, lovable, and capable - if that's not good enough for him, he's really too effed up to be worth much of your effort.

You say you're in R, but he's not, and R takes 2. You can't love a WS back into an M. You can't rugsweep your way to R, even though both terms start with the same letter. To R, you're probably going to have to confront him, lay out your requirements for R, and hold him to them.

Have you read about the 180? I think it's really important reading for you. See BS FAQs in the Healing Library and/or the threads in JFO and ICR.

I recommend pulling out of R. Tell him you'll work on your M if he does. Tell him you'll commit to R again, but only after he shows you he's committed himself to doing the work of R - and that means he has to do the work for some time before you'll commit.

Unrequited love is awful, but remember - you're a loving, lovable, capable adult human being. You may love him desperately. But you can still thrive on your own, by taking care of yourself, if he doesn't love you. And you owe it to yourself to thrive.

(((Naivete123)))


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10440 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Naivete123
♀ Member
Member # 38715
Default  Posted: 7:33 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

RockyMtn-
He's either saying the monogamy thing because it is true OR because he's still foggy. And I don't mean foggy necessarily as his still pining for his A partner. Just that he's still in justification mode. Justifying what he did, making excuses, etc (which would also explain the lack of sexual attraction comment). I guess I don't know much about your story or how R is going. It sounds like it is going OK, though.

sisoon- I recommend pulling out of R. Tell him you'll work on your M if he does. Tell him you'll commit to R again, but only after he shows you he's committed himself to doing the work of R - and that means he has to do the work for some time before you'll commit.

I have thought this too. As to an every day scenario life is decent. He is more affectionate to me. Has showed remorse for the pain he has caused. Goes out of his way to spend time with me and to hold account of time spent away from home. He is doing all the things WS are suppose to be doing in R.

After we laid out all our issues in MC. MC concluded that both I and WS feel all the "blame" is with WS and his issues. Not that I don't have my own faults. WS feels disgusted with himself for how he feels regarding monogamy.

As to the monogamy issue. Like I said he has been physically monogamous up until the last couple of years. There was an EA with and old girlfriend 4 yrs into our marriage. They did meet up and held hands. But no sexual relations.

So why the whole monogamy thing is eating at me- is because he has always said that his main need was to feel connected. That he thought all the reasons why he was stepping out of our marriage was in a hope to find that connection. But now he says that his fear is that when we get to "the end" of this and he stills feels he can't be monogamous. (This came out in our 2nd Mc session). Wtf. I thought he said he was looking for that "connection". Part of me thinks this is some sort of rug sweeping.

But when I talked to him about the monogamy thing after our 3rd session, I mentioned the connection thing. He said that his idea was to be in a committed deeply intimate(not just sexual) relationship. I asked is that just your idea or do you also desire to have that. He said both. So now I hold on to the possibility that it is just rug sweeping- that he is still in a fog...


I WILL NOT drink the Kool Aid.

The grass is greener on the other side. But they put chemicals on theirs.


Posts: 60 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: USA
RockyMtn
♀ Member
Member # 37043
Default  Posted: 8:32 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In my mind, monogamy is about a lot more than physicality. So I don't think your WH is a particularly monogamous person if his As have spanned a good portion of your M. This doesn't mean he can't be monogamous, just that he doesn't have a track record.

It is so bullshit that he wants this intimacy and connection...but has an EA and later another A. That's a surefire way to build connection! Sarcasm.

This isn't about you. He is missing intimacy and connection because he isn't capable in his current mindset. And he's using that excuse to justify his behavior.

So now I hold on to the possibility that it is just rug sweeping- that he is still in a fog...

It is fine to believe that this may be the case and that his mindset/words about this whole issue are temporary. But then you need to follow sisoon's advice and pull out of R. 180 him. Make him realize the intimacy and connection he DOES have with you - whatever is left - is on the line. Because the status quo is not breaking his foggy justifications.

And, if it doesn't work? And he still doesn't think he's capable of monogamy? If he doesn't change his mindset? Then he's told you who he is and you should believe him.

Really, I think you need answers here so you can make an informed choice. But those answers aren't going to come until YOU put this M on the line and he puts himself on the line.


Me, BS, 30s
Him, WS, 30s, Steppenwolf
Kids: Yep
D-Day 1: September 2011, 6 week EA
D-Day 2: January 2013, discovered EA was a PA; there was another PA in 2010. All TT.
Goal = serenity.

Posts: 667 | Registered: Oct 2012
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 6:35 AM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Monogamy is a choice. Saying you aren't sure you can be monogamous is, barring uncommon medical conditions, a conscious choice to not commit.

Honestly there's nothing wrong with that - except when you lie to someone that you are, and proceed not to be. Reaping the benefits of monogamy and polygamy at the same time is, well, cheating. Responsible adults live responsibly within their chosen lifestyle. If he doesn't want to be monogamous he shouldn't be in a monogamous relationship.


"You have insulted my footwear."

Posts: 7495 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He is doing all the things WS are suppose to be doing in R.

Gently, he's not doing one crucial thing, and he needs to for R to work, at least IMO - he needs to show you that he desires you, that he wants to with you, and that he loves you. Since monogamy is important to you, that last part really has to read 'that he loves only you'.

If he really means he wants an intimate connection with you, love and desire pretty much have to part of it.

Obviously he needs to work on this, and that's OK - if he keeps working on it. But I advise real caution until he commits 100% to you.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10440 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
1Faith
♀ Member
Member # 38975
Revenge  Posted: 10:28 AM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But when I talked to him about the monogamy thing after our 3rd session, I mentioned the connection thing. He said that his idea was to be in a committed deeply intimate(not just sexual) relationship.

The question stands if this is acceptable to you?

You can't make him be attracted to you. You can't change, nice him, sex him into wanting to be with you. He has to genuinely want to be there.

I think he is attempting to manipulate you in to accepting his affairs.

He wants you to accept that you will have some type of relationship and is hoping that you will feel that is better than nothing so he can go off and hook up with OW.

He can't be monogamous because he chooses not to be and he has allowed not be.
His choices, his desire.

Monogamy or your marriage? Which is more important to him? Which will you allow?

Sorry you are here. Protect your heart.

Good luck.


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1224 | Registered: Apr 2013
Naivete123
♀ Member
Member # 38715
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, September 21st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Since MC started, about 3 weeks ago I have had anxiety. Partly why I posted here the other day. I broke down in front of WH yesterday. We talked and he tried to comfort me. The anxiety hit me hard again today. ( I might have to take drugs).

The end of our first MC, therapist stated that we make this 12 week commitment to the Imago Therapy. Whether we find ourselves together or not at the end of it, MC felt it will be a good experience for both of us. And MC asked if we found this acceptable. Of course I panicked- I was here in good faith we could be fixed. WH said he agreed with what MC just said...wait, what? I wanted to here WH say yes, I/we want to make this work.

2nd session is after we read some of the book. WH talked about being sexually repressed as an adolescent because of his fundamental religious upbringing. Which I never really knew about. WH says he has these urges to make love to the most desirable woman in the room- to make her his. And this is where he brought up the monogamy.

3rd session was me rehashing about his commitment to MC after he brings up the monogamy thing again.

So we talked again. I laid it all out. All my fears. My hurt. I told him I know he thinks/thought that I was never good enough for him. I told him that I love him. That I wanted R and had hopes of fixing this marriage. But I can't help but fear he is buying time. I told him I wished that at the end of the day he could see and realize that what we had/have is good. And could be better. That there will always be someone more ambitious, pretty, younger, wealthier...etc. than me. That during our whole time together I have always been committed to him and his endeavors. We have had more good than bad times. Great experiences together. How I hoped we could continue experiencing life together. That I was going to do what I needed to do to make this marriage work. I was going to to love him everyday. But I know that I can not make him stay. And I wanted him to know that I was not going to try to make him stay.

I cried , he cried. He said hates how he has hurt me. But he still says he is not sure that he can ever be in a committed relationship. He knows he needs to address and work out these issues in IC(he starts tomorrow).

I know that I don't want to lose him. It breaks my heart to think about my life without him. Even as I write this I see myself losing hope/faith that we will not be together by the end of this year.

We will have another MC this week. See what the therapist says regarding MC while WH is working out his issues.


I WILL NOT drink the Kool Aid.

The grass is greener on the other side. But they put chemicals on theirs.


Posts: 60 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 11

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