I have nothing to hide so if that's what he is looking for he will be sorely disappointed. I know he trusts me - at least that's what he says.
Finally this is R 8/14/13
"Forgiving is a journey; the deeper the wound, the longer the journey".
There was an instance of slight panic about a year ago when we got our first smartphones. (Yes, we're technologically behind the rest of the world.)
I reached for his phone and he came unglued on me. Enter a slight panic and fear of, "Ummm ok. What is your problem and what are you hiding?"
It took me a while get my nerve up and approach him about the situation. I explained his reaction to my reaching for his phone, and how it made me feel. I told him I acted that why during my A and while I didn't believe he was cheating on me, his reaction was concerning for me.
We had a discussion and he explained his reaction to me which stemmed from FOO/poverty issues. And I explained I wasn't trying to take/steal anything from him. I was just trying to see the difference in that one setting on our phones. That is all.
Since then, never an issue. He's open with me, I'm open with him. Neither of us have an issue with being open. The WS/BS titles have nothing to do with it. It's a common courtesy that we, as spouses and best friends, choose to share with one another.
I know my teach can do better. That scares me. Always has.
[This message edited by Aubrie84 at 2:28 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)]
"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne
"You can do it!" - R. Schneider
My advice is do not snoop. I would have shown him my phone if he asked, but I feel like he had no right to snoop like that. It hurt R.
Former 80s Icon wishful thinking
Gently, my bet - and I think I'd bet every thing I own and everything I can borrow - is that your fear of your W's cheating or leaving you is masking your own issues.
You can't control your BS; you can control only yourself. Ignore your WS's stuff. I urge you to focus on doing the things you can do that will allow you to heal, to support your BS, and to support your M.
[This message edited by sisoon at 2:38 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)]
That said, I do agree that openness on both sides is essential, BUT I also feel that there should be no pressure whatsoever on the BS until they are ready for doing that, as a step in R. A BS needs to close their world up to WS until they feel safe enough to be "open" again.
As it stands right now, and has been like this for quite awhile, my wife can look at my email/facebook/whatever at any time. I don't think she ever does, though. She'd probably be horrified. She's a very organized person, who cleans out her inbox a few times a day. Right now I have 372 items sitting in my inbox.
One thing we do is give each other a heads up around birthday/Christmas time. If we see an order coming through via Amazon, or any other shopping site around that time, we agree not to look at it, but with the caveat that we *can* look at it if we really want to or feel the need to.
There was a point early on when my wife and I did agree to have some privacy. I was heavily PM'ing another male member on this site, and my wife was PM'ing another female member on this site. We agreed with each other to let us have our privacy with those respective conversations.
But yeah, overall I think transparency should go both ways.
That said, my husband has seen two human beings come out of my vagina and regularly screws up and uses my toothbrush. Yeah, he can read my email any time he wants.
In the earlier days of R, I needed to keep some things to myself and I did. I think that is just smart.
Once she pulled her head out of her ass things opened up slowly and are now back to pre-day.
I still don't look at her stuff. I got 3 kids, love them to death, but I don't want to be married to one.
I think rebreather is spot on scream. You seem to know this is a problem area for you and I think you need to address it. It could be vital to your recovery. Not you M's recovery, but yours.
Even though I had nothing to hide, for some reason it really upset me when I caught him looking through my phone about a month later.
It wasn't like I cared about "privacy" so much... it was more like, "I'm trustworthy. It's insulting that you think you have to check up on ME after everything YOU'VE done."
If he had just asked me for my phone I would have handed it over immediately, but something about him mistrusting me and sneaking around behind MY back just really got under my skin. He admitted to being super paranoid that I was going to leave him, which was understandable but also on him after all he wrought.
We worked through this with MC, and the solution was that he was to be forthcoming about wanting to look at any of my personal correspondence. He has all my pwd's, but he has to let me know when he's in the account.
It seems weird, but to me it's another tier of transparency. If he's paranoid that I've got something on the side he needs to TALK to me, not be a detective about it. I have proven my trustworthiness throughout our relationship so he tries to lean on that. It's been working pretty well.
I get that you're owning the issue. In retrospect, I should have asked about this rather than jump to a conclusion.
I still think that fearing your BS will cheat comes from something. It may just come from guilt, which you might resolve pretty quickly as these things go. OTOH, it may come from something deeper. I think you'll find it worthwhile to ask yourself why you're panicked and why you think she'll cheat. Once you get your first answer, keep challenging yourself to dig deeper.
I say this now, because questioning yourself on these topics may or may not reveal some useful, important stuff for you, and the best way to find out is to do a little digging when the issues are at the top of your mind.