I'm a BH and I recently have started having trouble with sex with FWW... Not during or anything but after the fact. I trigger hard about everything for days. It makes me not want to have sex with her but I can't talk to her about it because she freaks out about it. But she has noticed that I often have "bad days" at work after we make love... Giving her myself completely makes me angry and hate myself after all she has done to me...resentment is a huge problem for me... Is this the beginning of the end???
So don't be hard on yourself; its not surprising that its extra difficult for you to forgive. Maybe MC would be useful to discuss your marriage problems before things get worse.
Is she very remorseful, or just going through an 'I'm sorry but lets put all of this behind us' attitude?
Is this the beginning of the end? Maybe. If she is doing all the right things to try to help you get over it (doesn't sound to be the case here), then the marriage MAY be recoverable.
BUT, it could be that she does everything right and you still can't go on with her. She threw your trust out the fucking window, so recovery is questionable. You have the right to change your mind, no matter what she does to try to make it better. Even if you decide to divorce, she is STILL the bad guy, on account of her fucking your friend.
But as of late she is trying more but I can't seem to talk to her completely openly... I don't trust enough I guess... Plus I'm dealing with a very serious TT situation that came to light about 6 weeks ago.... She had previously accused him of forcing himself on her witch I knew wasn't true but I finally got her to admit it wasn't true about 6 weeks ago...
I'm just sooo broken and exhausted
My wife wasn't willing to do any of that stuff. She talked a good talk, said she would do whatever it takes, even agreed to the specific conditions I specified. Then she did nothing. Then she started having "panic attacks" when she was afraid I didn't love her. The attacks always conveniently happened when I started to feel some self-empowerment.
After three months of this horseshit, I finally decided she wasn't willing to fix this, and so I needed to leave. I was extremely co-dependent, and thought there was no way I could live without her, but was finally able to make this decision.
I'm not saying you have to end your marriage, I'm just saying you may have to get yourself to the point of being willing to end it. That may wake up your wife to the point where she stops making this all about HER feelings.
If you want to stay in the M, I recommend MC. A WW that freaks out about your triggering and sexual problems is not remorseful. The sexual issues don't go away very easily for some guys. I am one of those and it sounds like you might be one, too.
For me, it was more of an issue of my WW being "corrupted" or being someone else's whore. Those kinds of feelings, of course, lead to issues related to sex. I'll just be honest and say that those thoughts will never really go away for me. If I had to do it all over again, knowing what I know now, I would have divorced my WW. Maybe that is what would be best for you, but you also have a child now, so that changes the dynamics a bit.
When it comes to sex with my WW during times when I am struggling/triggering, I focus on myself. I don't "give myself" to her. I use her for my own personal pleasure and that's it. I have less resentment when I don't make any special efforts to please her or put her on a pedestal. While I absolutely do not advocate mistreating anyone, I have no problem focusing on myself first and foremost when I am struggling sexually with my WW.
She wants to save the marriage but is not truly remorseful. Just do enough to qualify for the description of being so sorry for what she has done.
That my friend, does not sound like remorse at all. Add in tthat she's angry that you're "rubbing her face in it" is another huge indication she is not to the remorse stage. Wow, just wow.
She's got some serious issues to work through. IC should be first for both of you. I don't think you're anywhere near ready for MC.
My journey to survive from my husbands multiple affairs and sex addiction.
I love you.
Miss you lots.
Still want my husband.
Feel free to come home at 8.
Make love to me.
Why didn't you call? Don't love me anymore?
Sound of my voice grate your nerves?
Because I love you times a thousand and the best part of my day is hearing your voice...until you're home that is. Then its your hugs and kisses. Until kairi goes to sleep then its your embrace and your love. I hope you're just busy and not having a bad day because I need you. I needed you last night, wanted you around me. I understand its cuz of the baby but I never stopped wanted you...woke up this morning in with yhe same need for my husband. I love you tyler. I count the minutes till you're with me
Please talk to me....
Cant you come home at 10?
.......sooo all these texts are where we are at by lunch tonight... What do you guys make of them??? And also I guess I'm gonna go ahead and post my story in better details so you guys have a clearer picture of the situation....
What she is doing now is wanting you to just "get over it" as quickly and painlessly as possible (for her, not you) and wants you gush her in attention that can never be filled, and will likely result in her becoming Wayward again.
She "freaks out" when you mention things? She thinks MC is "rubbing her nose in it?" Come on, bro, get real here and LISTEN how ridiculous this all is.
So she "freaks-out" boo-fucking-hoo. She's the one jumping on another man's DICK while with you. Maybe she should start worrying more about YOU freaking out and tossing her ass out on the street, instead of dragging her "kicking and screaming" to MC/IC???!?!!
Your WS needs IC badly and needs to pull her head out of her own ass since all you have described, her initial and post DDay behavior, and now all her "look at me, look at me" attention whoring for your focus all point to someone that is likely going to cheat again and hasn't dealt (and not willing to deal for as long as you allow it) with the underlying issues that causes infidelity.
And I still can't get over the fact that she accused her AP of rape for 2 years and is expecting you to just "get over it"
MY LIFE AFTER....... Not only did I have to deal with this pain in a normal way but had to continue to hurt cause its been in my face in several ways every day since... I spent 9 months not knowing if the child was mine. (agonizing) I had to continue seeing him every day at work for about 7 months and couldnt do a thing about it cause I can't lose my job (agonizing) His apartment where it happened is on my works street and I must drive by the crime scene every day (also agonizing) I don't believe what she tells me...I know it was more than once and she is just minimizing it. She ruined the excitement of my first child and the excitement of her birth cause "what if" was all I could think about... I can't talk to her about it cause every time I do she just tries to leave. I don't know how to cope with all this and I feel it is getting worse.
I can't talk to her about it cause every time I do she just tries to leave.
She is staying because you represent a stable, reasonably prosperous life for her and the baby. She intends to bully you into 'forgetting' this affair and moving on. What kind of marriage will it be with your unresolved misery and her determination to shut your pain in a closet, not to be addressed now or in the future?
With no resolution between you and your WW concerning this affair you will have little trust that she will not periodically indulge in more extramarital excitement.
Ask yourself, are you happier with your family or by yourself? If the latter then leave and pay the child support/alimony. Your wife lacks respect for you and staying means living with this disrespectful attitude, together with your deep-seated resentment. As always its your call.
I know some here are suprised at her saying the OM forced himself on her, but I'm not. My WBF had an ex who did that repeatedly with the new men she was with. Always told them the previous guy hurt her in some way. Now her story is she has cancer (maybe, but I have my doubts).
It sounds like she's all about HER, and the attention she wants YOU to give HER. So all she thinks about is her feelings, her needs, and how she's been wronged. You can NEVER R with a person like this, until they see the "light" and wake up to the reality of the complete devistation they have caused.
At this point, if she doesn't freely go to MC, and actually owns what she's done, gives you a timeline, quits the bullshit being upset with you, and is a total open book... well then it's time you did the 180.
Those messages she sent you, total selfish crap. Don't try and disect them, looking for something sweet or sincere. It's not there yet...
I wish you luck...
[This message edited by TrulySad at 8:23 AM, September 20th (Friday)]
So last night we fought most the night then sadly I made up with her and we made love... Back to square one.... My neediness makes me hate myself... Now we are fighting again today cause last night she tried very hard to get me to take the day off with her and I said I'd try to take the second half of the day off... Well I was unable to today... These are the texts she sent me.
Should I get ready or no?
Me- I can't... I already asked.
Thanks for letting me know. I was about to start putting make up on...
Glad I asked
But...you knew damn well you wouldn't be able to take a half day. Idk why you got my hopes up....
Idk why I let myself get my hopes up. Stupidity I guess.
Well, I love you.
I miss you a lot.
I'll talk to you whenever you want.
I'm guessing you're gonna be there till damn 2 so I guess ill run to krogers to pick something up for dinner.
I just don't understand how you can't use 'your' hours. That's why you have them...personal time = personal use. I wish you would have just called in. Spent the whole day with me.
And BTW, thanks again for last night.
I love you.
Sorry I snapped. I know you tried. I love you.
Me- OBVIOUSLY last night was a huge mistake... Don't back-pedal now... You were mad and you didnt care what you said a minute ago... You know I'm vulnerable right now but did you care? NO....
What the hell are you talking about?
What did I say that was insensitive? All I snapped about was you talking like you were for sure about getting a half day and getting my hopes up about it
I know you're on edge and upset but calling last night a mistake is a little out of line.
me-No you ripping my head off about something out of my control is out of line!
I understand that, and I apologized. I was trying to rectify the situation. I wasn't trying to fight or be insensitiv
This is nothing to blow up about, its a stupid fight. I was cranky. I am sorry. I know it wasn't your fault.
But if you honestly consider last night a huge mistake...after everything we worked towards and talked about last night...then it won't happen again. I'm sorry I pushed you into that. Take the rest of the day to think about everything we talked about last night. I am here for YOU. always. I am here if you want to talk. Again, I apologize for my overreacted response. I love you and I will never see our love making as a mistake.
I will be here waiting for you. I will hold you and rub your head. I will kiss you and love you. I will tell you everything will be okay and we will make it though this together. I will remind you last night was not a mistake. I will be your wife. I love you.
I wish you'd re-read the past few texts. I was not being malicious or trying to snap your head off. I was upset about you sounding so sure of you getting a half day and talking so positive then you didn't get it. I was also upset that it was 6 and I was assuming you did get off and was about to get ready because I hadn't heard anything from you. After reviewing what I had said I realized I was taking my disappointment out on you. Wrongfully. BUT I wasn't attacking you. I know you're on edge about everything and I'm not naive to think we had solved anything last night but for you to go out on the attack over something very trivial...I can excuse a lot of things given the circumstances but calling something we both know and feel to be a bonding and loving experience a huge mistake is unforgivable. It is the same as calling our love and marriage a huge mistake. If your goal was to hurt me, you have succeeded. This "fight" tonight was not about work or my crankyness it was a out for you to attack me and cut deep. I am sorry you're having a hard couple days, I am sorry because its my fault. I will be here to listen if you want to talk and ill talk if you want to hash more stuff out. But I will not let you degrade me. I have tried hard to piece this marriage back together, I will not be abused in any way. You need to call and go back to your therapist, we can go back, and if you feel it would help you, ill go. I will not make any more attempts tonight to right my wrong nor will I for a long time make any advances sexually towards you. Everything takes time to heal including the cut you have given me. I love you tyler regardless of today, or what happened 2 years ago. You continue to be my other half, my heart and my husband. I will not give up on you or us. We are going to make it though this. I love you and I will see you when you get home.
And before you think I was, I was not being self-righteous.