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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: how to let go and accept.
morethantrying
♀ Member
Member # 40547
Default  Posted: 10:50 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The stages of grief not in any order but I really want to let go and accept...how to DO this actually? 8 months frm full disclosure...he doing everyting "right"
Married 31 years
BS 54
WS 60
Two affairs/3
Found out after the fact...


Affairs - hard on us both - but love will win.
Me: BS 55
Him: WS 62
Married 32 yrs.
dday TT from 12/2012-2/2013)...

Posts: 263 | Registered: Sep 2013
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 11:00 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You can try and condition yourself to get there, but it's more of an organic process.

I'm not a "let-goer" by nature, but I literally woke up one morning and was like, "Ok. It happened. It sucks. The sun is shining, the tank is clean.... what am I making everyone for breakfast?"

The truth of the matter is that a lot of the healing just comes from time. That and the WS doing everything "right", and the BS actively working on putting one foot in front of the other.

You'll get there.

(((morethantrying)))


We are what we repeatedly do, excellence, then is not an act but a habit. - Aristotle

Posts: 16395 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
ItsaClimb
♀ Member
Member # 37107
Default  Posted: 12:41 AM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm probably not in a position to offer advice, I've come to realise I am pretty messed up about things. But I'd like to share my experience:

I came to a point where I was determined to "accept". I think I had reached a point where I was so tired of the pain, the anger... all the "stuff" surrounding the A. I just wanted to let go and move on. So I made a decision to reach acceptance. I tried to force myself into acceptance. It backfired on me badly - I could only keep it up for a certain length of time and when I finally "cracked" under the strain of it, I was worse off than I had ever been before.

I have realised that acceptance cannot be forced or rushed. This is a process I have to go through and it's going to take 3 - 5 years, whether I like it or not. There is clearly stuff I have to work through before I reach acceptance and there is not a lot I can do to change that fact unfortunately!

Hang in there morethantrying {hugs}


BS 46
Together 29 yrs, M 25 years
2 daughters 24yo(married with a brand new little daughter) & 19yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 908 | Registered: Oct 2012
morethantrying
♀ Member
Member # 40547
Default  Posted: 1:08 AM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thanks...good to know I am not alone struggling with this...I don't want to "force" it but I would like to "encourage"it along...I have tried all ways of thinking...what brain and mind Olympics I engage in daily to move it along...wow...what a mess ...


Affairs - hard on us both - but love will win.
Me: BS 55
Him: WS 62
Married 32 yrs.
dday TT from 12/2012-2/2013)...

Posts: 263 | Registered: Sep 2013
crossroads2010
♀ Member
Member # 30213
Default  Posted: 5:01 AM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am 4 years out and I think itsaclimb pretty well said it...you will never get to aplace where it is okay and will not affect the way you percieve your M, but it becomes less of a day to day burden eventually. I have gotten real good at compartmentalizing things and busying my mond with other things.
At 8 months out after such a long marriage, I am sure you are still feeling blindsided. You have a lot more processing to do and it takes the form of many emotions and new realizations about your life.
You will have good days and bad ones...just do what you need at the time...focus on somthing else, screan, run, cry if you need to. Try to channel that energy that the A sucks up in a way that benefits you.

Posts: 572 | Registered: Nov 2010
wert
♂ Member
Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

you will never get to aplace where it is okay and will not affect the way you percieve your M, but it becomes less of a day to day burden eventually.

You know I don't by that, well at least not for everyone. Yes, the A does not go away, but one's internal dialog and self narrative can be positive tools towards accepting, moving forward and forgiveness...

Mine goes something like this:

I'm the cat's pajama's. I mean seriously look at the facts. My W became a total asshat and how did I react? By at first being very angry (normal). Then by separating myself from her and demanding she make changes from being an asshat into being a whole, authentic, truth telling person. IC, sharing with me everything about herself and giving me a lot of slack in life-that kind of stuff. Once she has done (and continues to) do those things I dropped a bunch of grace on her ass and forgave her for falling off the freaking apple cart and becoming that asshat. Whoa...I must be fully of worldly understanding, compassion and generally a kick ass dude.

That is more than it becoming less of a burden and instead turning the shit on its head and telling myself what I did that was great and it was not on me.

How do you let go? Write your own story. Be your own hero. Truly accept this wasn't about you and live your life to the fullest...kick some ass.

take care....



Posts: 1414 | Registered: Jan 2012
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I love it, wert.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1740 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
SoLongSam
♀ New Member
Member # 40712
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wert that made me smile and gives me hope too.

(((morethantrying)))


Posts: 2 | Registered: Sep 2013
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have tried all ways of thinking...what brain and mind Olympics I engage in daily to move it along...

Gently, IMO that's what's standing between you and acceptance.

Acceptance happens at a gut/feeling level. Sure, it happens in the brain, but that doesn't mean it's about thinking.

IMO, you have to feel the grief, anger, and fear that comes with being betrayed. Once you feel - and 'feel' includes 'release' - enough of the feelings, you'll get to acceptance.

And it'll almost definitely take a lot longer than you think it should. Think 2-5 years after the last hurt....

Being betrayed attacks your head, heart, and gut. Healing requires working on all 3 - but the gut is the most important.

JM firmly held O.

(((morethantrying)))


fBH (me) - 65+, fWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9757 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I love that response Sisoon!


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 48
him: 51
4 kiddos in lower 20's

ôSlide the weight from your shoulders and move forward. You are afraid you might forget, but you never will. You will forgive and remember."


Posts: 4501 | Registered: Dec 2010
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's all part of forgiveness. You have to accept that it historically happened. It's something that did indeed psychically happen and it will forever be part of your marriage history.

The second is accepting it emotionally. That's the hard one.

So if you think of it in these terms, you'll see yourself progressing. The historical one is easier. Took me a while, but it happened within the first year after DDAY.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1221 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
1Faith
♀ Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear More

It just takes time and a lot of tears, questions, answers and work.

You can't fast track your healing and you can't undo what was done.

You can move forward and try to build something better if both parties are willing to do the hard work.

IC and MC are hopefully in the cards.

Reach out and vent. You need to release all of your hurt.

Take one day at a time and know that you are okay. You will make it.

(((hugs)))

----------------------------

General Timeline of Recovery

Hope this helps..

Q: How Long Will It Take Me To Heal From This?

A: There is no set time line. On the average it's 1-2 years to heal from betrayal. 3-5 years is not out of the norm.

Below is a general guide, not everyone heals in the same amount of time as others, there are variables to consider in each individual's situation. It's a rollercoaster ride, emotionally and physically, but I promise you - you can and will survive. But, you will never be the same and that's not always a bad thing.

D-day to 6 months is devastation; you're done with life, in shock and sick at heart. You are raw emotionally and never knew such despair could be felt.

6-9 months are full of mood swings from "it's going to be okay" to "Why am I even trying." Your thoughts are emotion driven and not dependable.

9-12 months you can actually go about 15 minutes without thinking about "it." One morning I stepped out of the shower and realized that I hadn't thought of the affair yet. But sadly, those times were few and far between. You're still up and down emotionally.

Then at 12 months, sobbing again with the disappointment in your spouses selfishness

14 months you are able to have a heartfelt happy moment.

18 months the incredible crush of despair is gone. You wake up one morning and realize that the A was something that happened, not something that is happening.

20 months you no longer feel like your world is in danger. Trusting again, with your heart if not with your brain. Constantly questioning your own feelings but you realize it is fear stalking you now, not danger.

22 months you can see a future. You don't cry at the drop of a hat. You can watch television without falling apart at a love scene. Actually feeling almost back to your normal self. You finally loose that sense of being "outside" yourself. The phases can trick you, you think you're doing great at five weeks and then you hit the bottom of the well at 12 weeks. You can be raging at 10 months with a horrible anger that never appeared early on.

One day at a time...keep moving....



"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1099 | Registered: Apr 2013
cluless
♀ Member
Member # 40538
What?  Posted: 6:28 PM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh No! 3-5 years? I'm only on week 6 I can't live like this for another minute let alone 3-5 years. I don't want to rush "acceptance" but I need to get my anger in check. It's hurting me, hurting the kids, and frankly I'm tired of screaming. I've gotten it out.

Well this answers my original question, thanks!


WH 57
BS 55 -- Me!
LTA EA/PA 1-1/2 years.
D-Day 8-12, 2nd D-Day 9-13, 3rd D-Day 10-13 (stopped counting tt still coming in)
Married 17 yrs, together 20.
MC & IC has been a JOKE.

Status: In careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels and starti


Posts: 163 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oceanside
heartache101
♀ Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 6:39 PM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ahhh Cluless you are just starting.
Ease up on yourself.
You received a lot of great info.
Now go soak in the tub and give your mind a rest.
Hugs doll.
One Day at a Time.


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3185 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
crazyblindsided
♀ Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 6:46 PM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IMO, you have to feel the grief, anger, and fear that comes with being betrayed. Once you feel - and 'feel' includes 'release' - enough of the feelings, you'll get to acceptance.

This is how it happened for me. I had to feel everything and at times it was very scary. It is definitely a process that cannot be rushed. It happens in YOUR amount of time needed to heal.


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
topperoff22
♀ Member
Member # 40762
Default  Posted: 8:11 PM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh No! 3-5 years? I'm only on week 6 I can't live like this for another minute let alone 3-5 years. I don't want to rush "acceptance" but I need to get my anger in check. It's hurting me, hurting the kids, and frankly I'm tired of screaming. I've gotten it out.

This scares me too, but already at two and a half months I find myself waking up one morning here or there and not thinking about it. That's a little bit of progress....at least a little. My husband lied to me and betrayed me. It helps me that he sees the pain he's caused and he sees that lying has been a problem for him his whole life and it is time to get help and he is getting that help. I think what you and I are worried about is that we will always be crying and then happy, crying and then happy, crying again, screaming, crying, OK for 3-5 years! I don't think that will be the case, because like others said we will start to realize (as I have already) that this isn't our fault -- it isn't about us necessarily. It's about something that isn't "right" (for lack of a better word, only because I'm tired and not meant in offense) inside them, or wasn't. Something that someday we could find ourselves battling too ... let's hope being betrayed has taught us a lesson not to do it to another (it sure didn't teach my husband who had it done to him and then betrayed me with the same woman).


BS - Me 36
WS - Him 35 (almost 36)
Child: son, 6; just learned one on way
DDAY - July 24, 2013 (thousands spent on ex girlfriend)
DDAY2 -Aug. 3, 2013 (proof he slept with her)
R is slow going after TT for 1 month

Posts: 316 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: US
cluless
♀ Member
Member # 40538
Default  Posted: 8:54 AM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I realized yesterday I'm SOOOO far from acceptance. We were on day 2 of being (okay) together, just really enjoying ourselves. I was talking about my son's ex girlfriend who had cheated on him, 1 of them was an old boyfriend and i guess she had unfinished business. So of course he says "yeah I did too." I was immediately SMACK back into hell. It was 1 second later. I said "you didn't need to f.ck her to get closure."

As the day progressed, within an hour I was telling him to get the f.ck away from me and I started screaming I hate you. I want to hurt him, I've never had such a desire. What is wrong with me?


WH 57
BS 55 -- Me!
LTA EA/PA 1-1/2 years.
D-Day 8-12, 2nd D-Day 9-13, 3rd D-Day 10-13 (stopped counting tt still coming in)
Married 17 yrs, together 20.
MC & IC has been a JOKE.

Status: In careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels and starti


Posts: 163 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oceanside
devasted30
♀ Member
Member # 39439
Default  Posted: 9:21 AM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Cluless
There is nothing wrong with you. You are going through a process and even though I am only 10 months in, I believe what everyone says that it will take years.
Today, I hate my WS. I wish he was dead. I wish his AP was dead and the others as well. I hate him. I want a divorce. I wish only bad things to happen to him. Maybe he'll get killed in a car accident on the way home from work.
OMG, no - I love him. He is the best part of me. I can't imagine my life without him. He is my world - my future, my past.....
And on and on and on and on.......

Posts: 923 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Ontario, Canada
ItsaClimb
♀ Member
Member # 37107
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

{Cluless} there is nothing wrong with you. Maybe you'd like to read this thread I posted some time ago, especially the bit at the top about the roller-coaster. It might make you feel less alone in this.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.net/forums.asp?tid=501667


BS 46
Together 29 yrs, M 25 years
2 daughters 24yo(married with a brand new little daughter) & 19yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 908 | Registered: Oct 2012
unfound
♀ Member
Member # 12802
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is a really hard place to be in: Still processing and dealing with the emotions of what he did while at the same time seeing him do (in your words) everything "right", now.

I think we put pressure on ourselves to "let go", "forgive" or "accept". But cheese-Louise, these are a lot of things to process!

Like JRazz, I'm not a let go-er either. For me, I think I just got to the point (slowly and definitely not as soon as I would have liked) where I realized, and probably more importantly, believed, that I couldn't change the past and I may never come to terms with it. It was still there, it wasn't going to be any different no matter what I did...but what was happening now, I could somewhat control, as far as MY part in it.

I could focus on the here and now and his efforts and base my decisions on that, or hold onto the past and base my decisions on that.

It was almost a sense of relief.

The whole "I love you come here....I hate you go away" thing.. completely normal. It takes time (sorry, that stupid four letter word) for that to subside. If he keeps doing everything "right", those feelings will probably fade with time as you begin to regain trust.

Be patient with yourself. Don't get caught up in obtaining acceptance or forgiveness or letting go. It'll come, in it's own time and in your own way.


ka-mai
*******************
From time to time, I do consider that I might be mad. Like any self-respecting lunatic, however, I am always quick to dismiss any doubts about my sanity. DK

Posts: 14810 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: mercury's underboob
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