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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: how to let go and accept.
♀ Member
Member # 40915
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How to let go and accept? - That's the million dollar question!

I am going to give myself the gift of "time".
I remind myself that I did not make the choices that landed us in this horrible mess, and I will not let anyone...including me put the pressure on to "get over it" and accept it.

I tell myself if it takes a week, a year, 5 years, so be it. I will keep working on myself and if he keeps working on him, I have hope we will get there.

In the meantime I have re-learned to put myself back at the centre of my world, so regardless of how this plays out I will be strong in the face of it.

Also, his A "was a deal breaker". Just because I have chose to try R does not mean I am in the same marriage as I was before. We needed a "new deal". There was no way for me to continue in that marriage as good as it was, the foundation was broken into little pieces. We are two very different people after this experience, How can two people who are so drastically changed re-enter the old marriage? I don't think we can. But, I think we can build a new one, on a new foundation.
This is all I have to share, I know it is a whoa fully inadequate response, but it's
kinda helping me get there...I think

BS (Me) - 47
WS(Him) -48

Married 23 years - together for 29 years

DDay - June 10th 2012 then TT'd-June 2012 - July 2012 (and beyond????)
2 amazing children

"Understanding love is one of the hardest things in life." - Fred Rogers

Posts: 98 | Registered: Oct 2013
♀ Member
Member # 40547
Default  Posted: 6:19 PM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for everyone who replied here! I was at first hesitant to come to this forum at all but sometimes it is good to know I am not alone in ALL my feelings...

I often just CAN'T get my MIND around that it happened...I have evidence (my memories of his late nights) and he confessed...but it is somehow still so surreal....someitmes I just look look and look at him and think...did he REALLY do this????

We have greatly worked through the "whys" (as best one can!) and are going well on R, but I stll look and see this now remorseful person, the REAL person that I married and wondered how he got so lost and did he REALLY do this? Sometimes just can't get my mind around it.

The posts that talk about time line and range of emotions are great. 8 months and I still cry every day...but now I am not sure what I am crying about...just feeling sad I guess...infidelity is "common" but still never thought it would be a part of my marriage...yet, what we are building now IS so much better than what we had...strange as that is to say, it forced us to take a good hard look at how to communicate better...we were always communicating...or maybe we were trying, but obviously not too well and for HIM not well at our NEW relationship is yes better and would I want to go back to what it was before DDay...I have to say ironic...but good to know that from this pain and sadness something good CAN come I guesss the poster who spoke about TIME is true...maybe now just a matter of time and allowing myself to feel and be sad....happy and hopeful....and always confused by my contradictory emotions playing out inside me....its is exhausting at times and I still now and again feel like "running away"...just to get away from EVERYTHING..thinking, feeling, TRYING, LOVING, beating myself up because I am not getting over it fast enough....over thinking, thinking I am not"loving" by just letting it go now, thinking it is okay to let my feelings flow...still looking at him and with great curiosity wondering how and why and rethinkgin what we already talked about and wondering if I need to talk about it AGAIN, but knowing that if I do it only makes ME feel worse to just shut the door on all of this....UGH

Affairs - hard on us both - but love will win.
Me: BS 55
Him: WS 62
Married 32 yrs.
dday TT from 12/2012-2/2013)...

Posts: 305 | Registered: Sep 2013
♀ Member
Member # 39058
Default  Posted: 6:23 AM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((morethantrying)) - thank you so much for starting this post. I've a similar timeline to you - just one month further along AND have the same kind of journey as most people here.

I'm still struggling with the 'let go' and 'accept' as you are and so many wonderful responses help me to see I'm not alone and that it is so bloody tough. And, of course, TIME - sheesh.... hate it!

I keep feeling like I'm the one spoiling things - my WH is doing every single thing in his power for our R and his own - we have great times and then I crumble. He understands but I so want to stop wasting my life like this!

So hard - and I really relate to that looking at him and thinking did he really, really, really do this??? so hard so deal with

Me: BW 45
Him: WH 48
Married: 6 years, together 9 years
D-day: 3 January 2013 - he confessed.
A: June-Dec 2012
No children.

Posts: 153 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
♀ Member
Member # 39836
Default  Posted: 5:28 PM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wert - I LOVE your response. If you don't mind, I may use that for our Christmas letter this year.

Entering R slowly and cautiously...

Posts: 491 | Registered: Jul 2013
Topic Posts: 24
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