It's such a long story that I barely know where to start. WH and I have been married 13 years and have 2 disabled children, the eldest (10) has quite severe problems.
Around February this year I started to become concerned that WH was always chatting on Facebook to one particular woman all night, every night. He was also attached to his phone and everything had a password. I asked outright/begged him to tell me if anything was going on but he denied it. He met her twice that I know of. D-day 1 happened 1 June after I worked out the password to his phone. I read a weeks worth of declarations of love from both of them. They called each other their "twin flame" and she had sent him semi-naked photos of herself. I was devastated. After confronting him we decided to try and reconcile and rebuild. I made it clear he was to have no more contact with her.
Fast forward 3 weeks and I'm suspicious again. The only thing he appears to have done is remove the password from his phone. She still appears as a contact and he snaps at me if I mention her. I checked his phone and hidden away in a random folder on his email account are a load of messages they've been exchanging. The first was sent by him within 1 hour of our reconciliation conversation. The messages were purely friendship based but still the mention of being "twin souls/flames".
After confronting him again he calls it off with her. Three weeks later I'm suspicious again and ask him what is going on - he lasted 1 week before contacting her this time through Skype.
So, he calls it off again. This was the end of July. Since then I've just had a feeling that something is going on. She posts a lot on the internet and I've found out that she is interested in a relationship with him despite what she tells him. I have also found a private group she posts in and recent posts in there suggest they have been in touch again. Confronted WH again last week and he denies it. I don't know which one is telling the truth as they both lie. I told him I want her phone number/email blocked and to remove her from any other account i.e. twitter etc. He refuses to block her and says he'll do it if she rings him again. He subscribes to her youtube channel and she wrote a love song for him which he commented with a heart. I noticed that sometime yesterday he hid that comment from his activities on his profile. He doesn't know that I know the comment/song even exist. The comment is still showing if you look at her channel. Surely if he was truly remorseful he should have deleted that comment not consciously hidden it? It seems that each time I discover what is going on it just gets harder to find the proof the next time. He says he loves me and wants to stay with me. His actions however, say the opposite. He refuses to talk about the affair and I have so many unanswered questions. He refused to show me the messages they sent on FB shortly after I discovered the affair. Since D-day everything has been about him - he's depressed, he's miserable etc Not even the slightest acknowledgement about how I feel. He told me a few weeks ago "when are you going to stop snooping, it's not doing anyone any good"!! The OW has sent me many abusive messages and posts equally bad comments about me on her blog. My husband's response "she's been having a tough time recently" WTF!!
I have given him plenty of chances as our eldest child has been suicidal for the last year and I was terrified that us splitting might push him over the edge. I've been trying to hold the whole family together and my mental health is in tatters.
I really don't know what to do next. I'm still suspicious of his behaviour and I can't even talk to him about it without him getting mad. I really want to make it work but the more this drags on the more my resentment of him is growing. It makes me so angry to think we could have been working on our marriage for over 3 months but because he won't go NC we still haven't started to rebuild.
I feel so confused. Has anyone been in a situation like this? Is it worth trying to get him to understand? Thanks for reading if you have got this far. Any advice would be much appreciated.