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User Topic: Please! male opinions wanted!!!
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Member # 35896
Default  Posted: 7:14 PM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes wonder boy I would have to agree that some books are definitely soft porn. I guess you brought up an interesting topic. I guess I am sort of a hypocrite. LOL

My WS and I have watched a few soft core flicks together but we are always together.

But I am reading the books by myself so I guess I am engaging in porn without him.

Interesting. ...

BS - 39 (me)
WS - 33
DD - 6
D Day - 6/2/11 EA (would have been a PA if the OW was game)
"I'm not going to be the person I am expected to be anymore"
Blue de Chanel Commercial

Posts: 121 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Maryland
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Default  Posted: 7:29 PM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

can someone post a thread on whether or not romance novels are chick porn?

I posted a thread awhile back about that; didn't get a whole lot of responses b/c it didn't come across as articulately as I'd have liked, but yes, they are, IMO.

Me: XWS, 30s, 5-month EA/PA in '09-'10
Husband: XBS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Remarried. Reconciliation is a process and I still struggle.

Posts: 2221 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
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Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's not about stripclubs. It's about the difference between male and female sexuality.

Well, when someone draws all her data from a single demographic and apply it to all demographics universally, that's sort of the major flaw right there. It isn't about the difference between male and female sexuality, it's about the sexuality of the majority of men who attend strip clubs. If she went into a church and sat through a sermon on sex I don't think the facial expressions would be the same, but I think it would be necessary to include the other end of the extreme to achieve a realistic average if there's an attempt for a global expression there. Otherwise it's just standard bullshit where someone is playing the data to their goal.


I'd say MOST men can have a fully developed, sexual reaction to a woman with a simple visual process because that sexual "urge" can be very simple and primitive. Most women seem to require a bit more to get what they consider a sexual reaction.

Also, there have been physiological response studies that clearly indicate the opposite of this.

eta again:

One of the articles on that -

Home » News » Relationships and Sexuality News » Men and Women Differ on Sexual Arousal

Men and Women Differ on Sexual Arousal
By Rick Nauert PhD Senior News Editor
Reviewed by John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on January 5, 2010

Men and Women Differ on Sexual ArousalNew research discovers that the genders differ in their physiological responses to mental sexual arousal.

Queen’s University Psychology professor Meredith Chivers found men’s reports of feeling sexually aroused tend to match their physiological responses, while women’s mind and body responses are less aligned.

“We wanted to discover how closely people’s subjective experience of sexual arousal mirrors their physiological genital response – and whether this differs between men and women,” says Dr. Chivers, an expert in human sexual response.

Although a gender difference has been reported in individual studies of sexual arousal, until now there has been no systematic analysis.

The Queen’s study is published on-line in the international journal, Archives of Sexual Behavior.

The researchers looked at 134 studies, published between 1969 and 2007, involving more than 2,500 women and 1,900 men. Participants were asked how aroused they felt during and after exposure to a variety of sexual stimuli.

This subjective measure of arousal was compared with physiological responses: changes in penile erection for men and changes in genital blood flow for women.

The men’s subjective ratings more closely matched their physiological measures than the women’s; men’s brain and bodies were almost always in agreement, while there was more often a reported inconsistency between women’s bodies and minds.

The researchers then looked at factors in the studies that might shed some light on this gender difference. They identified two methodological differences, in particular, that may play a role.

The content and presentation (e.g., visually or as an audio recording) of sexual stimuli made no difference to how well the subjective and physiological responses mirrored each other in men.

However, it did influence women’s responses. Women exposed to a greater range and number of sexual stimuli – content and presentation – were more likely to have stronger agreement between subjective and physiological responses.

The timing of the assessment of self-reported sexual arousal also had an effect. When participants were asked to rate their subjective arousal at the end of each stimulus, men’s responses were closer to one another than women’s.

However, when both men and women were asked to rate their arousal when they were exposed to the stimulus, the gender difference disappeared because men’s concordance dropped to the range of women’s.

“Understanding measures of arousal is paramount to further theoretical and practical advances in the study of human sexuality,” Dr. Chivers says.

“Our results have implications for the assessment of sexual arousal, the nature of gender differences in sexual arousal, and models of sexual response.”

[This message edited by StillGoing at 7:44 PM, September 19th (Thursday)]

"You have insulted my footwear."

Posts: 7469 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
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Default  Posted: 7:41 PM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What about the fellas, like myself, who find that strip clubs are repulsive?

So it's not just me, wonderboy. I find strip clubs about as arousing as an icy cold lake (the fellas here know what I'm talking about - think of George Costanza in the "shrinkage!" episode). I haven't been in one since the 90s, and I recall wanting to run up on stage and hand out bathrobes. I like the feminine form as much as any man, but those envrions are a huge turn off for some reason.

Me (BS)-45, WW-43
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
M - 18 years, 4 children

Posts: 1450 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
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Default  Posted: 7:46 PM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In the entire time we have been together,I have never thought of another man in a sexual manner. Not one time.

This. Exactly.

Sorry this is not a male perspective but I have to say bullshit... they cannot be wired that differently. It is choice..plain and simple.

Me - BS 55
H - WS 57/very remorseful and supportive
Kids 28, 25, 22
D-Day 8-5-11
discovered 4 month long EA
R - slow and steady but very optimistic

Posts: 318 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: New Jersey
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Default  Posted: 7:51 PM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This thread triggered me badly. I know that there are some men out there that probably do this, but I just hope, hope, hope that there are men out there that don't. I have not given up hope yet that there is a man out there that won't have sexual thoughts about other women.

But at the same time, realistically, I know that sexual thoughts shouldn't matter. What matters is actions. I guess I'd rather be with a man who has sexual thoughts but doesn't have an A, than a man who has an A but not sexual thoughts. But then is the second even possible? My wBF said that he never thought sexual things about women, and that he found it wrong. But yet he had sex with two other women. So how is that even possible? Logically, makes zero sense.

I guess, for the men that DO do this, do you not think that it's disrespectful to your spouse? And I don't mean just staring or noticing someone attractive. What I mean is when you think about having sex with the woman. How is that not disrespectful? I think it would be disrespectful whether it's a woman or man having the thoughts.

30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1200 | Registered: Jul 2013
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Default  Posted: 8:02 PM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As far as Scott Eastwood goes, why do we care? It is fun and games, and as long as it's not a fucking spider, more power to you.

I agree and that wasn't my point. My point was simply this. If a thread were posted in general about xyz being a noticeable issue for many yet that same group was engaging in the same or similar behavior how is that not hypocritical.

It wasn't in support of any gender or against any gender. It's an apparent blind spot that I think many if not most of us can have. Very selective in observation. Not so much when it's done BY "us" but very much so when it's done "TO" "us. That was it.

I don't even know who Scott Eastwood is nor do I care.

I know that generalizations happen in life all the time. People are here because of a tremendous personal trama either self caused or inflicted by another. Trying to get everything I can from this shit show I caused has been my driving force since I came here. That is the only way I can do it. I want to see every flaw, chink, hole, gap in my processess regardless of what circumstances or pain was caused to me. That's what I control.

I question myself as hard every day. Hey, if I'm upset or pained when someone does this to me is there any part of that I myself do but don't see, notice, acknowledge. The answers are consistently, you bet your ass. Here here and here. Shit, more work needed.

I can't say enough how much value I have for those that have helped me see these flaws and issues. We may not be Christmas Card buddies but it's changed my life.

As far as the OP, I still hold that this, like a few other threads I posted on, is not gender related at all. It's ALL about respect. Whether men may be wired differently than women or what. If his actions cause pain in you, Lauren, especially after the trauma of infidelity than if he continues it's not because he's a man. It's because he's a disrespectful person. No one should have to live with a partner that is disrespectful. Ever. Infidelity related or not.

[This message edited by uncertainone at 8:06 PM, September 19th (Thursday)]

Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth

Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
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Default  Posted: 9:45 PM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I completely agree Nature girl
I can't believe someone would say have more sex! 'service' your husband more...

It's actually boredom. He works two casual jobs one which earns a LOT and he's very busy. He's around a lot of young adult girls who dress provocatively and he's okay.

The other one that earns little but he is very bored at times. And there are a lot of MILFs or girls dressed really sexily to impress their boyfriends. (not a bar)

Anyway certainly an interesting thread. I will need obviously to think this through a lot more.

As I've always maintained it's not necessarily the thought of 'oh she's hot I would like to fuck her'. It's not really ideal for me or what I want in a partner.

But there's a difference between being idealistic and realistic.

I do have a problem with the 'visions' I hope that this can be rectified with counselling. I'm not necessarily sure if he wants it to change but he knows it's important to me. I think he's made it clear that, that in itself is enough for him.

He has a mantra when they happen, he claims that they help a lot, I can only help this is the case. No, he does not speak with other guys about hot girls etc. Infact he gets upset when other guys talk about girls he knows that way.

Or porn.

He just doesn't display the enthusiasm.

He's a complicated guy I guess

[This message edited by lauren123 at 9:51 PM, September 19th (Thursday)]

OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 818 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
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Default  Posted: 11:54 PM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hmm I thought my H didnt really look.. Before the A I would oh wow that woman has a very attractive figure or that woman has a beautiful face..I knew that he would not act out and I had no problem stating it.
But now I don't say anything because honestly I don't know anymore. Maybe he never said but thought it.
Now from the woman's perspective .. I can honestly say that I have said to my girl friends.. Man that guys is hot.. Or boy what a body I wouldn't mind work on that.. So I have sexual thoughts but not graphic .. Just more that I am turned on.. Especially as I have gotten older and since my WH had told me in 6 years ago he wasn't into sex (with me). Anyway I was in my 40s and bothered.. But just because I found a guy hot doesn't mean I will sleep with.. 2 distinct things.. I have to be emotional connected.. Or I am not interested. In fact I can't imagine sex with anyone else because I know I can't do it.
Sorry t/j that's my problem my WH now. I am just not into him now. He lost me. I am just not connected to him anymore.

Me-BS 50 Him-WH 47, DD17
Together since 1993, Married 19 yrs
DDay 3/12,4/12,7/12 EA-PA OW - 25 single husband chasing bastard whore

Posts: 515 | Registered: Aug 2013
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Default  Posted: 12:02 AM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For Me, I am very visual. I love women , they are beautiful , so yes at times I can fantasize in a second about a woman I see on the street. But I would never act on it. Ever ! In the beginning my stbxww and I both used to look at women and she loved it. We used it as stimulation and fantasy in the bedroom. But that was at 20 yrs old or so , before kids and life ! I believe all guys fantasize about women they think are attractive just most don't admit it.

"what does not kill you , makes you stronger"

Posts: 676 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
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