Your H should feel safe discussing any topic with you without being judged. This is called emotional intimacy. If you try to control his thoughts (or become upset by them) your relationship will struggle.
[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 9:38 AM, September 19th (Thursday)]
Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.
Yet when a woman walks around with a "Come fuck me" look its natural as well to think about having sex with her. Lets face it here. Some women like the attention that they get when they throw out the sex vibe. They will wear skimpy clothes, enhance their boobs etc.
And my XH was the complete opposite. At age 26, I weighed 108 lbs, was actually on the border of being underweight, and he told me I still had a "pod gut." And he gawked at women and sometimes would just come right out and say "I'd like to F*ck that."
He wasn't kidding, that is for sure.
Any man that says otherwise is, shall we say, not telling the truth or he's dead.
"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife
Any man that says otherwise is, shall we say, not telling the truth or he's dead.
How do you know? Can you see in the minds of all men besides yourself, to know they are either lying or dead?
[This message edited by Bobbi_sue at 9:13 AM, September 19th (Thursday)]
I would say that for me, I notice women--I look for a second at their overall appearance, but not often is it sexual. It might have been 20 years ago(I didn't put much thought into it them), but I don't look at every woman with a "sex factor".
There is no way to know what your man is thinking. And even if he doesn't think like that, he could still have an A. And if he does think like that, he could make the decision to not have an A.
Regardless, I do not believe that it is my responsibility to keep him pleased so that he will be faithful to me. I used to believe that, and had so much sex with him before he went out of the country for a trip. I wanted him to be sexually exhausted. But you know what? He still had a ONS during that trip. Nothing I do will control his actions. He either loves and respects me enough to not do it, or he doesn't.
As a female, I notice attractive men and have had thoughts about what they look like nakes or what sex would be like with them. They are usually fleeting thoughts, and not something I think I would ever act upon.
I am okay with my man having "thoughts" as long as they are not obsessive or acted upon.
All adults are in charge of their own thought life. Everyone on this website is responsible for their own behavior. No one should be abdicating their self-control to another person.
It is just as offensive to me to read bullshit about the wife just needing to do her duty so her husband won't stray as it is to read bullshit about how a man just needs to provide a paycheck in order to keep his wife happy. Lots of BW in here will attest that they regularly fucked their WH or were begging their WH for sex, just as lots of BH here will attest that they brought home a big fat paycheck & kept their WW in the lap of relative luxury.
No one is responsible for another's actions. Not in the way you're stating.
Well I am not a liar, so I must be dead. My survivors request that in lieu of flowers that donations be made to the Generalizations Suck Agency.
I cannot attest to what your H thinks and feels. I can only comment on how think and feel. I could make assumptions about what my coworkers think and feel based on their office behavior but to draw conclusions based solely on that isn't helpful.
This overall discussion really doesn't address the issue that you find your H's behavior/reaction to looking at women as unacceptable. This could truly be a slippery slope.
IMO his focus should be on you. When I was married I must have closed down looking at women to even notice they were attractive for when I got D'ed I was really surprise how many attractive women there are around. But did my mind go to picturing them naked or wanting to have sex with them. I agree with others who have stated that we are in control of our emotions and thoughts.
Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless
We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.
That's not to say he doesn't notice another woman's attractiveness. But according to him, in his mind it doesn't segue into picturing sex. And we don't have sex often so it's not a matter of him being "taken care of" in the bedroom...he just doesn't think that way.
Not "ALL men" do anything, nor do "ALL women."
[This message edited by heartbroken0903 at 10:44 AM, September 19th (Thursday)]
Married 2.5 years
Remarried. Reconciliation is a process and I still struggle.
This subject is a LARGE part of the reason I have become agoraphobic.
Please keep the generalizations off this site.
Everyone else, please get back on topic.
My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.
When my wife was fucking someone else instead of me and I went without sex for around a year or so, I can say that the sexual appeal of other women was significantly increased. A woman who is actively showing off her physical attributes through careful application of makeup, clothing, shoes, perfume, etc is really hard to miss when she crosses your field of vision and you have been sleeping next to a woman who won't touch you.
So I can very easily see any man being in that position as Grilla said - that doesn't make it his wife's responsibility, no. It's his. That I chose to wait for a.. very long time, that was my choice and responsibility. If I had decided enough was enough and wanted to divorce her so I could go meet someone who didn't look at me with revulsion that was also my choice. The fact that we were not having sex at all was the focus of that particular issue, though.
Oh, boy! For those men who DO think like this, I have to ask if you feel you have the right to mentally rape us or if you had ever even looked at it that way?? Because rape is sex without consent, no??
At what point did this cross from internal thought process to the physical act of non-consensual sex?
[This message edited by StillGoing at 11:02 AM, September 19th (Thursday)]
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
Am I being harsh, am I being stupid? I don't want to be a dominant bitch wife but I really hate it. He hasn't seen his IC for a while (been really busy) so I'm hoping to get him booked in, in the next month. I would like some progress in my mind about this!!!
That being said, all men are NOT the same. Reading some of the posts on this thread, I'd say that I run similarly to Bobbi_Sue's husband. I notice classically pretty, understated women and can appreciate that in a detached sort of way. I don't get all "OMFG I NEED TO BE INSIDE THAT", even within the confines of my own brain....and women who seem like they're dressing provocatively in order to attract a specific kind of attention are a complete turn off to me, personally. That's not to say that they're wrong for dressing however they want, just that *I'm* not personally attracted to that sort of look and/or behavior.
It is nice to know that,while to an extent this is something a lot of men do..not all men think,as FacePunched put it, "OMFG I NEED TO BE INSIDE THAT."
Grilla, I am sorry you are here and have to join our club. But your wife didn't have an affair because you didn't meet her needs. She had an affair because she was entitled and selfish and she needs to figure out why. If she was unhappy and unfulfilled, why was her choice of dealing with that to launch a nuclear weapon at YOU, instead of looking inside herself. That is the work she needs to be doing.
The rest of this thread hurts my head. I will never believe "all men" anything. I have a great respect for the men in my life and while there is occasional banter I don't believe they ALL look at everyone woman and mentally want to fuck them. Period. That's insane to suggest they haven't evolved at.all.