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Newest Member: losingblindhope (44303)

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User Topic: Please! male opinions wanted!!!
coldheart34
♀ New Member
Member # 40569
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think its normal...well abnormally normal but i have several guy friends and male co-worker friends and they do this all the time. Truthfully I am the same way. I see an attractive guy and think I wonder what he looks like naked, etc. And I do it now more than ever that I am a BS.


Me (BS)-34
WH-37
DDAY 1: 2/2013
DDAY 2:(FB instant message from OW)8/17/2013
kids- DD 2, DD 6 mos
Attempting to R

Posts: 15 | Registered: Sep 2013
HardenMyHeart
♂ Member
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1. All men do not think alike.
2. You can't control the thoughts of another.
3. There is nothing wrong with sexual fantasies. The problem occurs if you act on fantasies in a way that betrays your spouse.

Your H should feel safe discussing any topic with you without being judged. This is called emotional intimacy. If you try to control his thoughts (or become upset by them) your relationship will struggle.

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 9:38 AM, September 19th (Thursday)]


Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 30 years, Reconciled

Posts: 5624 | Registered: Aug 2007
Bobbi_sue
♀ Member
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 8:58 AM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yet when a woman walks around with a "Come fuck me" look its natural as well to think about having sex with her. Lets face it here. Some women like the attention that they get when they throw out the sex vibe. They will wear skimpy clothes, enhance their boobs etc.
I get what you are saying here, and some probably won't believe this, but this is a turn off to my H! He always comments to me if he thinks a waitress is bending over trying to get her cleavage close to him, or whatever; he thinks she is trying to increase her tips. He knows it "works" with most men, just because he is around a lot of men and sees and hears their reactions. He does not like it when women use their bodies to promote sales, or to try to increase their tips or whatever. And after being with him for 18 years, I can say with certainly this is not a turn on to him. He also can look at women and note they are cute, attractive, or whatever but he still does not think of them "that way." He thinks of me "that way" and cannot keep his hands off me, to this day. Tells me I look like a model and goes on and on about my "perfect" body. I'm 54. And far from perfect, but let me tell you, he has a a way of making me believe that to him, at least, I am.

And my XH was the complete opposite. At age 26, I weighed 108 lbs, was actually on the border of being underweight, and he told me I still had a "pod gut." And he gawked at women and sometimes would just come right out and say "I'd like to F*ck that."

He wasn't kidding, that is for sure.


Posts: 5684 | Registered: Apr 2006
toomanyregrets
♂ Member
Member # 37740
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's normal.
VERY normal.

Any man that says otherwise is, shall we say, not telling the truth or he's dead.


BH - 64
fWW - 59

"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife


Posts: 446 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Upstate NY
Bobbi_sue
♀ Member
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Any man that says otherwise is, shall we say, not telling the truth or he's dead.

How do you know? Can you see in the minds of all men besides yourself, to know they are either lying or dead?

[This message edited by Bobbi_sue at 9:13 AM, September 19th (Thursday)]


Posts: 5684 | Registered: Apr 2006
Grilla
♂ New Member
Member # 40299
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have to agree with To many regrets,
All men have these thoughts. It's wanting to act on them that becomes the problem. I was just listening to my boss this morning about wreck his truck while talking to me on the phone. He said " my GOD i just passed this gorgous woman jogging i would love to take that around the block! My wife hasn't helped me out in over a month! " then he realized what he said and told me he was just talking. That he loved his wife so much.
I work on a construction site with men that talk trash about women they see all day long, but not one of them has admitted to having an affair on their wives. Men are awful in this respect, I know. My opinion is that your husband is asking for help...if you get what I'm saying Coldheart34...

Posts: 37 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Virginia
Bobbi_sue
♀ Member
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Toomanyregrets:
Another male here said:
I would say that for me, I notice women--I look for a second at their overall appearance, but not often is it sexual. It might have been 20 years ago(I didn't put much thought into it them), but I don't look at every woman with a "sex factor".
So men that say this are either lying or dead? Right? And obviously my own husband is either lying or dead, also.

Posts: 5684 | Registered: Apr 2006
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've had different men tell me different things on this. My ex said that any man who denies this is lying. I had a really hard time accepting it, and I didn't feel close to him because I was always wondering if he was fantasizing about the waitress or whatever. I never had proof he was unfairhful though. My current guy says that he never does this. He even says that he never thought of OW that way until he actually had sex with her.

There is no way to know what your man is thinking. And even if he doesn't think like that, he could still have an A. And if he does think like that, he could make the decision to not have an A.

Regardless, I do not believe that it is my responsibility to keep him pleased so that he will be faithful to me. I used to believe that, and had so much sex with him before he went out of the country for a trip. I wanted him to be sexually exhausted. But you know what? He still had a ONS during that trip. Nothing I do will control his actions. He either loves and respects me enough to not do it, or he doesn't.


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1037 | Registered: Jul 2013
Whalers11
♀ Member
Member # 27544
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it's normal.

As a female, I notice attractive men and have had thoughts about what they look like nakes or what sex would be like with them. They are usually fleeting thoughts, and not something I think I would ever act upon.

I am okay with my man having "thoughts" as long as they are not obsessive or acted upon.


Me: BGF - 33
Together 11+ years - not married, no children.
D-Day: 2/9/2010
OC Born: 10/9/2010
Status: He chose OW/OC and left immediately.

Posts: 2179 | Registered: Feb 2010
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Grilla, women/wives are not responsible for their men/husband's behavior or thoughts. Ever. Men possess agency and are in charge of themselves. Men have sexual thoughts. Women have sexual thoughts. Sexual thoughts are a biological instinct.

All adults are in charge of their own thought life. Everyone on this website is responsible for their own behavior. No one should be abdicating their self-control to another person.

It is just as offensive to me to read bullshit about the wife just needing to do her duty so her husband won't stray as it is to read bullshit about how a man just needs to provide a paycheck in order to keep his wife happy. Lots of BW in here will attest that they regularly fucked their WH or were begging their WH for sex, just as lots of BH here will attest that they brought home a big fat paycheck & kept their WW in the lap of relative luxury.

No one is responsible for another's actions. Not in the way you're stating.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9307 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
MovingUpward
♂ Guide
Member # 14866
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Any man that says otherwise is, shall we say, not telling the truth or he's dead.

Well I am not a liar, so I must be dead. My survivors request that in lieu of flowers that donations be made to the Generalizations Suck Agency.


lauren123,

I cannot attest to what your H thinks and feels. I can only comment on how think and feel. I could make assumptions about what my coworkers think and feel based on their office behavior but to draw conclusions based solely on that isn't helpful.

This overall discussion really doesn't address the issue that you find your H's behavior/reaction to looking at women as unacceptable. This could truly be a slippery slope.

IMO his focus should be on you. When I was married I must have closed down looking at women to even notice they were attractive for when I got D'ed I was really surprise how many attractive women there are around. But did my mind go to picturing them naked or wanting to have sex with them. I agree with others who have stated that we are in control of our emotions and thoughts.


AKA Moo

Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.


Posts: 51518 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Big Blue Nation
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My XH must be dead too, because he's not a liar and he says he doesn't do this. In fact, he is disgusted by the "man's man" stereotype of guy who does.

That's not to say he doesn't notice another woman's attractiveness. But according to him, in his mind it doesn't segue into picturing sex. And we don't have sex often so it's not a matter of him being "taken care of" in the bedroom...he just doesn't think that way.

Not "ALL men" do anything, nor do "ALL women."

[This message edited by heartbroken0903 at 10:44 AM, September 19th (Thursday)]


Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciling after divorce

"Someday you'll look back on all these days
And all this pain is gonna be invisible." - Hunter Hayes, "Invisible"


Posts: 2079 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
ThoughtIKnewYa
♀ Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, boy! For those men who DO think like this, I have to ask if you feel you have the right to mentally rape us or if you had ever even looked at it that way?? Because rape is sex without consent, no??

This subject is a LARGE part of the reason I have become agoraphobic.


Posts: 11403 | Registered: Mar 2008
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Red  Posted: 10:56 AM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

toomanyregrets...

Please keep the generalizations off this site.

Everyone else, please get back on topic.

Thanks!


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 196518 | Registered: May 2002
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think all men are lying or dead if they don't think this way. What goes on inside someone's head is their business.

When my wife was fucking someone else instead of me and I went without sex for around a year or so, I can say that the sexual appeal of other women was significantly increased. A woman who is actively showing off her physical attributes through careful application of makeup, clothing, shoes, perfume, etc is really hard to miss when she crosses your field of vision and you have been sleeping next to a woman who won't touch you.

So I can very easily see any man being in that position as Grilla said - that doesn't make it his wife's responsibility, no. It's his. That I chose to wait for a.. very long time, that was my choice and responsibility. If I had decided enough was enough and wanted to divorce her so I could go meet someone who didn't look at me with revulsion that was also my choice. The fact that we were not having sex at all was the focus of that particular issue, though.


Oh, boy! For those men who DO think like this, I have to ask if you feel you have the right to mentally rape us or if you had ever even looked at it that way?? Because rape is sex without consent, no??

At what point did this cross from internal thought process to the physical act of non-consensual sex?

[This message edited by StillGoing at 11:02 AM, September 19th (Thursday)]


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7367 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you,Nature Girl. Exactly.


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7144 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want to respond to the OP first, so...
Am I being harsh, am I being stupid? I don't want to be a dominant bitch wife but I really hate it. He hasn't seen his IC for a while (been really busy) so I'm hoping to get him booked in, in the next month. I would like some progress in my mind about this!!!

I don't think you're being harsh or stupid...if this is an issue that makes you uncomfortable, I'd bring it up to your husband, or maybe even your IC or MC if you have one. That being said, I don't know if asking your husband to 100% completely not notice an attractive woman is a realistic expectation to have.

That being said, all men are NOT the same. Reading some of the posts on this thread, I'd say that I run similarly to Bobbi_Sue's husband. I notice classically pretty, understated women and can appreciate that in a detached sort of way. I don't get all "OMFG I NEED TO BE INSIDE THAT", even within the confines of my own brain....and women who seem like they're dressing provocatively in order to attract a specific kind of attention are a complete turn off to me, personally. That's not to say that they're wrong for dressing however they want, just that *I'm* not personally attracted to that sort of look and/or behavior.


"The thing that always seems to be shocking to wayward wives is the simple fact that the man you choose to reconcile with is not the same man you cheated on." - a friend.

Posts: 1951 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just wanted to say how much I appreciate SI and the honestly of the people who post here.

It is nice to know that,while to an extent this is something a lot of men do..not all men think,as FacePunched put it, "OMFG I NEED TO BE INSIDE THAT."


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7144 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Grilla
♂ New Member
Member # 40299
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What I'm saying is based on my experience. My wife ignored my needs and had an affair. I stayed true to her and will continue to be so as long as we're married. All I'm trying to say is that when a man isn't pent up and sexually frustrated he can control himself much easier. It's true for me and a lot of other men I know. When I was going without it was much easier to be what some might call perverted. It is a husbands job/role to see to his wife's needs. It's also a wife's job/role to see to her husbands needs. It goes both ways. The OPs SO isn't going to have an affair simply because he has fantasies about strangers. My wife told me that she was led to have an affair because I wasn't fulfilling her needs. Is she lying? I agree it wasn't my fault, I didn't want her to do that, but I could've tried harder as a husband. That's all I'm saying. I think in today's society no one wants to take responsibility for their actions or lack of actions. Husbands take care of your wives. Love them and cherish them. Wives, take care of your husbands. Give them lovingly and willingly what they need. Just my thoughts.

Posts: 37 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Virginia
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 11:27 AM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I expect men to control themselves, whether they are getting some or not. Period. I don't know why we would hold anyone to a lesser standard.

Grilla, I am sorry you are here and have to join our club. But your wife didn't have an affair because you didn't meet her needs. She had an affair because she was entitled and selfish and she needs to figure out why. If she was unhappy and unfulfilled, why was her choice of dealing with that to launch a nuclear weapon at YOU, instead of looking inside herself. That is the work she needs to be doing.

The rest of this thread hurts my head. I will never believe "all men" anything. I have a great respect for the men in my life and while there is occasional banter I don't believe they ALL look at everyone woman and mentally want to fuck them. Period. That's insane to suggest they haven't evolved at.all.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6306 | Registered: Jan 2011
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