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User Topic: Please! male opinions wanted!!!
Stillkicking
♂ Member
Member # 38246
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't read through all the comments so I am sure it has been said but either way here is my 2 cents.

I think it is just human nature to look.
It is how the INDIVIDUAL processes an handles those thoughts that make the difference. I look at women, yes... "Fuck that chick is hot". But I don't dwell or imagine what it would be like for her and I to "duck into that back alley" for a quick fuck then go on our ways, what's the point?

Just my thoughts though


You'll never learn to fly
until your standing at the cliff

I reserve my right to feel uncomfortable reserve my right to be afraid.
I make mistakes and I am humbled every step of the way.


Posts: 130 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Canada
SeanFLA
♂ Member
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All men do this to some extent. But most are not rude and disrespectful about it. As a man I get embarrassed when another guy spouts off about an attractive woman in public or leers at her. I'm like ..."Dude...really?"

But yes we do notice them. I'm sorry but what you need to understand is that men were created much differently then women. It's in our genes to procreate with as many women as possible from a survival point of view. It's what nature instilled in us. So yes we notice and think about sex with that woman, if she catches our attention. Men tend to be more black and white about things and can be stimulated visually (why would there be a porn industry then?!) whereas women tend to think in an emotional 3D kind of way. It isn't our fault, it's the way nature created us. And it's been there since the beginning of mankind. Worrying about it won't make it go away. But know that not all men leer and cheat. It's more of a immature and selfish trait he probably has. Think on this for a bit and it might enlighten you about how men and women are attracted to one another:

"Men will use a woman's emotions to get sex, whereas a woman use sex to get at a man's emotions."

It's the two different ways we think. Some women just realize this and try to use it to their advantage.


BS(me) 48
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley


Posts: 1470 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Men will use a woman's emotions to get sex, whereas a woman use sex to get at a man's emotions."
One way or another, isn't this still unhealthy? In this example, isn't that just manipulation by another name? I don't buy it.


I keep my mind on my future/and my eyes on the sky/I don't really smile much/If you were there you'd know why.

Posts: 2175 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: City in the Midwest/Best In The Whole Wide World
RyeBread
♂ Member
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I guess I should contribute since you asked for male opinions

I notice attractive women all the time. I don't obsess over them, but I notice. I am a visual person, thats just how I am. I won't be disrespectful about it or point it out to my partner. Nor will I talk about it for 20 minutes afterwards. I get annoyed with guys who have to draw it out by talking about it. I notice and move on.

There is so much more to an attractive woman than just looks too. Honest, caring, kind, respectful, secure in who she is, etc play a huge part. Like someone pointed out earlier, if she is going out of her way for attention it actually is a huge turnoff for me. Confidence is key ladies, just sayin


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 1030 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
TrulySad
♀ Member
Member # 39652
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hope it's ok that I chime in. My WBF actually wrote a post a couple of months ago (Wayward side), asking for help with this. He was extremely disappointed in the responses.

He admitted he looked at every female, and thought about them naked, sexually, etc. After being with me, and me forcing him to see how it made me feel... MANY hours of discussion, and trying to get him to imagine how it would feel to him, if I was seeing all men I saw in the same manner, he become disgusted with himself. He actually started saying things that indicated to me, he finally got it.

When he read the responses here (to his post in Wayward) he had to walk away. He pointed out that the men used the excuse that "it's just what men do" to justify it. He told me that yep, that was him before all this crap we've been going through. But no more.

The sad thing is he asked for help from people here, help with how to stop it. Instead, most people wanted to tell him it was ok.

Today, he looks at me and almost pleads with me to believe how much he feels it's wrong, and that now, he is doing whatever he can to avoid those thoughts. He sees a woman, turns his head away, and trys to push any innapproriate thoughts out. He says it's working. He says he's gone from an every chick occurance, to almost never now.

I don't think it's an easy task though. I think a man needs to WANT to view women respectfully, for them to not see them undressed. And as my WBF put it, just because other men do it and make it seem like it's normal, doesn't mean it's ok. Take a look around. THERE ARE A LOT OF MEN WHO CHEAT ON THEIR WIVES. Doesn't make it ok, or just something a guy does.

I think men need to wake up and accept that if their wife/gf could see inside their thoughts, would they be asshamed of them seeing how they are viewing other woman? If so, then it's wrong. Simple as that.

Just my 2 cents....


Me: Sad, but I will survive

True Love: What I have for my beautiful children.


Posts: 457 | Registered: Jun 2013
uncertainone
♀ Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jesus, doesn't anyone just like sex anymore? You don't see this bullshit around chocolate and that's damn near a religion for some of us.

Shit, I look at hot women. I'm a woman and I look at women like that because some women are very beautiful to look at. I look at men differently because in order to have an attraction to them I have to know them. It's weird but true. Men can be very good looking but it's the flaws and personality that generates that "ooooooo" factor. Otherwise it's like David Beckham. Nice!!! Then he talks. God does have a wonderful sense of humor...or he constantly inhales helium, whatever.

Lauren, if he needs a neck brace and a bib it isn't about "normal" or genders. It's about respect and the lack of it.


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Men will use a woman's emotions to get sex, whereas a woman use sex to get at a man's emotions."

Eh. I dunno, seems messing with my wifes emotions is a good way to NOT get laid that night.


"You have insulted my footwear."

Posts: 7488 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
Kierst13
♀ Member
Member # 39197
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Noticing attractive people is far from mentally fucking them. Why is expecting a spouse to control their thoughts so horrible? I don't care if my WS appreciates beauty but that doesn't mean the appreciation should go into mentally fucking the beauty.

It isn't a lot to ask for a spouse to appreciate a physique without then crossing a boundary into making it sexual. Contrary to popular belief we are capable of controlling our thoughts.

If I knew a man was looking at me and mentally fucking me; I would feel violated.


Story in my profile
He lied, I gave the gift of R
He became the model remorseful WS...all while lying and seeing her
Am I done? Yes I am!

Posts: 347 | Registered: May 2013
hallelujah
♀ Member
Member # 32283
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Men will use a woman's emotions to get sex, whereas a woman use sex to get at a man's emotions."

Totally disagree with your generalizations SeanFla. All human beings are emotional and sexual. I have never met a man yet who was totally sexual and didn't care about being loved, validated, cared for, appreciated. I have never met a woman who only cared about emotions and didn't appreciate a sexy male body (except for lesbians who were interested in female bodies). I think society stereotypes and limits us and it is really sad to be so boxed in.

My H has said to me that he notices and appreciates a beautiful woman, but I have not seen him leer or obsess. I often rein myself in when I get close to lusty boundaries. It is about respect for our partners and respect for all people we come across. My expectation is not that my H always keep his eyes and thoughst 100% pure as I know I would not be able to achieve such a goal either. My expectation is that he not turn his head to leer or take his thoughts that step further to obsess. In return, I also respectfully do the same.


Posts: 107 | Registered: May 2011
RyeBread
♂ Member
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TrulySad,

most people wanted to tell him it was ok.

Were you refering to this?

He admitted he looked at every female, and thought about them naked, sexually, etc.

Sounds like his obsession with sex may have tainted his thought process outside of respectful ones.

UO said it right here

if he needs a neck brace and a bib it isn't about "normal" or genders. It's about respect and the lack of it.


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 1030 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Red  Posted: 12:11 PM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SeanFLA...

I've already flagged this thread once for generalizing. Do not do it again.

Everyone else...once again...get back on topic and ignore the generalization comments.

Please.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 12:11 PM, September 19th (Thursday)]


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 198332 | Registered: May 2002
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UO nailed it. basically, it can be a really pretty package, but I made vows to my wife. I have no interest on what's inside.

if all it takes is a pretty package, well enough said.


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2999 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
TrulySad
♀ Member
Member # 39652
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

RyeBread, not at all. He had actually posted his own post here in SI, about two months ago. Thats when people responded with justifying the behavior, and telling him it was normal. He actually had one person tell him he was creepy for diverting his eyes, when seeing a female. As though it seemed crazy for him to avoid women like he was doing. All he was saying was he wanted to stop the way he viewed women. He was hoping he would get some insightful suggestions. It didn't pan out. And that's ok. He is doing what he can, and I HIGHLY respect him for that...whatever way it takes.


Me: Sad, but I will survive

True Love: What I have for my beautiful children.


Posts: 457 | Registered: Jun 2013
ionlytalkedtoher
♀ Member
Member # 39802
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband once told me that yes men notice hot women and want to f them--they just do. I was shocked when he told me this. (newly married at the time.) I didn't realize he did this. But, he did say that its a matter of respect for the woman you are with. Just because men think it they aren't always gonna show it or act on impulses. I think most men understand not to cat call or just f random women. these are the quality men that someone said. But the other percentage sees hot women and throws all self control out the window.

I think for a lot of the women on here that say my H doesn't do this--I don't think that's true. I think they do and control their impulses and just aren't telling you.

Ohh and someone said about the adderall. well, up until my H took the adderall he didn't act on the impulses. But once he did take it that's when it became a lot harder for him to stop just looking. I found out side effects and blurred sexual boundaries are common.

I might notice attractive men. But as a woman, I can be attracted to aspects of the man. Such as a smile, eyes, voice, overall manliness--but i have never just like looked at a male butt and wanted to f it. only once when i was teenager did i ever have a random urge to just go over and have sex with a random guy--but i blame it on surging hormones of the teen years. i didn't act on it, of course.

[This message edited by ionlytalkedtoher at 12:30 PM, September 19th (Thursday)]


Posts: 264 | Registered: Jul 2013
RyeBread
♂ Member
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TrulySad,

Sounds like he recognized an issue for him and is doing the work to make that change. Very good for him, very respectible indeed.


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 1030 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I work with what must be one of the most gorgeous men on this planet. Seriously. Not exaggerating. Do I notice he is pretty? Fuck yeah. Do I think about fucking him. Fuck no. I'd appreciate the same level of respect. Period.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6549 | Registered: Jan 2011
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do I notice he is pretty? Fuck yeah. Do I think about fucking him. Fuck no. I'd appreciate the same level of respect. Period.

word!


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5286 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Im wondering..all the men who are saying this is normal...most of you are BH's..if not all of you. Im curious..if it was your WW who was out and about by herself one day,and came upon a gorgeous,young hot sexy man..and she not only noticed him..but started thinking about how he might look naked..and started imagining herself fucking him..and got all..um..excited...would this be ok with you?


I ask because most of the women responding on here are BW's..who have been cheated on..some of us know how "just looking" can lead to an affair.

ETA: I read the menz thread..I think the feelings one feels when betrayed are pretty much the same for men and women. I didn't mean to imply that none of you know what leads to an affair..of course you do..

[This message edited by confused615 at 12:40 PM, September 19th (Thursday)]


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7697 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
RyeBread
♂ Member
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband once told me that yes men notice hot women and want to f them--they just do. I was shocked when he told me this. (newly married at the time.) I didn't realize he did this. But, he did say that its a matter of respect for the woman you are with. Just because men think it they aren't always gonna show it or act on impulses. I think most men understand not to cat call or just f random women. these are the quality men that someone said. But the other percentage sees hot women and throws all self control out the window.

ionlytalkedtoher,
No disrespect towards your husband but could it be that he is generalizing here is an attempt to minimize his own desrespect towards you?

He certainly doesn't speak for me or many of the other standup guys I know.


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 1030 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
Stillkicking
♂ Member
Member # 38246
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Im wondering..all the men who are saying this is normal...most of you are BH's..if not all of you. Im curious..if it was your WW who was out and about by herself one day,and came upon a gorgeous,young hot sexy man..and she not only noticed him..but started thinking about how he might look naked..and started imagining herself fucking him..and got all..um..excited...would this be ok with you?

The om in my wife's case was a fucking joke, skin and bones pimpley ass fuck, looks and fantasy about fucking had nothing to do with it. It was all an emotional assault.

We always have talked about other people's looks and before anything had happened between them we actual made fun of his appearance for a good half hour (shallow asshole I know). So no it doesn't bother me as long as she keeps her line in the sand.


You'll never learn to fly
until your standing at the cliff

I reserve my right to feel uncomfortable reserve my right to be afraid.
I make mistakes and I am humbled every step of the way.


Posts: 130 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Canada
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