Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: westernlady1124 (45344)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: When WS does not want to “do the work”
mchercheur
♀ Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 1:47 PM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know this is my fault, because I did not insist on certain specific things from the beginning of R.
I realize now that I did not insist because I blamed myself for “driving him into the arms of another woman”----maybe I still do . My self esteem is still so fragile, it is still difficult for me to confront him. I telI myself, & others have told me, that I can’t keep talking about his A, because at a certain point I am supposed to “get over it.”

WH has been back home for 2 years, & I thought we would be much further along by now.

What do I do if WH :
1. just wants to move on, act like it never happened
2. does not want to really look at what happened
3. does not want to read
4. joined this site because I pushed him, started one thread in Wayward Forum ,& never came back (several of our wise waywards were tough on him)
5. is still going to MC with me, but doesn’t really want to talk about anything. I end up doing most of the talking
6. will not go to IC---states he is happy, & does not see any point in looking at his FOO/childhood (WH ‘s mother is a lying, manipulative ,narcissist, who only cares about appearances, & she is an unremorseful OW & WW herself). Needless to say, I believe WH’s FOO had a little to do with how he gave himself permission to break his vows
7. states he has learned from his mistake& will never do it again (according to him, it was just one little blip in the course of a long marriage) but has not really gotten to the whys
8. is not a big talker, never initiates our talking
9. still works in the same building as OW , but states that he does everything in his power to avoid her

WH has said he is sorry a few times in the first few months that he was back home. He did read 1 book (out of the many books & articles I asked him to read) ----"How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" ( & this book prompted him to trade in his “affair car” for a family car-----that was big for me---I really appreciated it.)

So, he has made a few baby steps.
Is he just not an introspective person & never will be?----if so I will have to decide if this is enough for me for the rest of my life.
Or is he just going thru the motions, just doing the absolute minimum, in order to have his old life back.

I really had great hopes of making a new marriage that was better than ever, but it’s not happening.


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1396 | Registered: Dec 2012
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You guys are like 2.5yrs out from DDAY and it seems like you feel like it was rugswept and no REAL change was made. Talk to him. I mean, you have to communicate this stuff. I have a feeling there could be some serious family FOO or childhood trauma that he does not want to talk about.

Some people don't want to confront their mistake and dissect it and find out why. It's the only way to correct it from the root. My FWW is kinda on the same boat. She says she wants to know why and correct it, but her past is way too painful and stops short of getting to the nitty gritty of it all.

He doesn't HAVE to join this group, but if you required certain books and certain goals to fully R, he should do them though. He really should. My FWW has stopped reading and facing her demons. I told her another affair and I'm done!


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1397 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
mchercheur
♀ Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes 2m2q,

I do feel like it was somewhat rugswept.

I have been in IC ever since Dday, & the main thing we have been working on is for me to "use my voice".

I have a feeling there could be some serious family FOO or childhood trauma that he does not want to talk about.

When WH was 3 yrs old, his mother left him & his brother with a babysitter most afternoons (his father was working 12 hours a day until late, 6 days a week) so that she and a married female friend could go to bars to try to meet men. Finally she ran off with one of these men ( he was also married with kids---so 2 families were destroyed) taking WH with her. MIL remarried OM & then moved them out of state. WH was heartbroken to be away from his father. To this day, MIL has stated that she didn't do anything wrong, that she was entitled to be happy, & WH believes everything she says without question.


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1396 | Registered: Dec 2012
whatdoto
♀ Member
Member # 28555
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((mchercheur))

We had been attempting R for the last 3 years. Your list (1-9), actually, is the same as mine. I started IC on my own. WH wouldn't go. You know, "nothing to fix". Well, yes there was, because our M was the same as pre A. I wanted a better me, WH, M and family. He wasn't willing to do the work for any of it. That and the fact the A was a dealbreaker (discovered that just this year). I was just too hurt and he didn't care.

Continue IC for yourself. Get YOU happy. You can't make your WH see or feel or want.

You will eventully make up your mind to accept things as they are, or move on for you.

I wish you luck. I wish you happiness.


"If your ideal image of yourself is in the future, it's going to stay there".

Posts: 1187 | Registered: May 2010 | From: Texas
ophelia24
♀ Member
Member # 38438
Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I know this is my fault because I did not insist on certain specific things from the beginning of R.
I realize now that I did not insist because I blamed myself for “driving him into the arms of another woman”----maybe I still do

Gently - why would he have to do anything when it seems you are doing EVERYTHING? Including all the talking at MC as well as blaming yourself for his affair. Must be quite comfortable for him to not have to address anything about why he trashed himself and betrayed you.


What do I do if WH....

The answer is NOTHING. You can't fix him. He has to want this for himself.


“Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up.”
― James Baldwin

Posts: 283 | Registered: Feb 2013
mchercheur
♀ Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 4:51 PM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thankyou whatdoto, I wish you luck & happiness too. It may be that it is a dealbreaker for me too. I am trying to keep this family together until we get the last 2 kids launched ( in 4 years.) Then I will re evaluate.

ophelia24,

You can't fix him. He has to want this for himself.

He does not want to look at anything, & I know I can't force him. I only have control over myself.

why would he have to do anything when it seems you are doing EVERYTHING?

So, I guess I should pull back & do the 180.


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1396 | Registered: Dec 2012
1Faith
♀ Member
Member # 38975
Helpless  Posted: 5:03 PM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am trying to keep this family together until we get the last 2 kids launched ( in 4 years.) Then I will re evaluate.

Gently, is that realistic? Do you want to be miserable for four more years?

What message is that sending to your children? To settle? To put up with a loveless marriage? To learn how NOT to communicate?

You never ever expected this. Nothing can prepare you for this.

This is not "irreconcilable differences". This is bigger and badder than you ever thought. This is ultimate betrayal. This has hurt you deep to the core. This has shaken everything that you thought you were, made you question everything that you have ever done. No one will really understand unless they have been through it. And even then, every situation is different.

You do not need to "move on" or "get over it". You need to heal. Healing takes time. Healing takes work. Healing takes patience.

You have been run over by an emotional Mac Truck. You are broken mentally and emotionally, yes still 2+ years out.

Your family and friends do not see the injuries, but they are there.

IMO, you do need to talk about it. Write about it.

This healing time is YOUR time. It is your time to take control of your life and your own emotions and healing. You own it and you get to decide how it will work and how long it will take to heal.

I am so sorry you are still hurting. We are all here for you.

What is your H's response when you convey your hurt and your desire for a better marriage?

[This message edited by 1Faith at 5:04 PM, September 19th (Thursday)]


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1199 | Registered: Apr 2013
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 5:26 PM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I to feel the LTA was rug swept by WW.

As a result I made allot of waves with WW over not doing the work. In time I realized that if I had to force her to do the work it would just build resentment in her. In the end we cant force our WS to do the work any more than they can force us to heal.

IMO its a bad recipe to rely on our WS for our healing. I was there. For a LONG time I was stuck in limbo still bleeding from the wounds of her affair. I needed the truth. I needed a time line. I needed remorse. I needed empathy.

But a person can not give what they have no faculty for.

The only person you can rely on is you. You alone are responsible for your healing. You may NEVER get what you ask for from your WH. That is either ok with you or it is not ok with you. Make your decision to stay or go based on that. Make your decision on actions you can see not words you hear from your WH.

Even if your WH does every thing you need you still have to heal yourself. To do that I stopped counting on my WW for anything. If she wants to rug sweep her LTA thats her issue. I have not rug swept it in my life. I am healing on my own and moving forward. WW either comes along or she doesnt. In the end either way it goes I will be fine.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.

Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.
Friedrich Nietzsche


Posts: 3483 | Registered: Sep 2007
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 5:44 PM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In the end either way it goes I will be fine.

This is really the ultimate goal.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6549 | Registered: Jan 2011
crazyblindsided
♀ Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 5:48 PM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Some people don't want to confront their mistake and dissect it and find out why. It's the only way to correct it from the root. My FWW is kinda on the same boat. She says she wants to know why and correct it, but her past is way too painful and stops short of getting to the nitty gritty of it all.

I think this really explains why WS's don't or won't do the work. My WH is the same.

(((mchercheur))) I'm sorry for the pain you are in.

Razor's post was spot on for me, especially this part:

Even if your WH does every thing you need you still have to heal yourself. To do that I stopped counting on my WW for anything. If she wants to rug sweep her LTA thats her issue. I have not rug swept it in my life. I am healing on my own and moving forward. WW either comes along or she doesnt. In the end either way it goes I will be fine.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 5:49 PM, September 19th (Thursday)]


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
Simple
♀ Member
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 5:57 PM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is a very good thread that I think your WS should've followed: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=324250

It's from the wayward forums. Looks like everything is rug swept hence why you didn't heal properly at all. And yes at 3 years you'd think you'd have made good strides by now but not if WH is not doing what he's supposed to do.

It seems like there were no consequences for his actions. That's something we BS's need to enforce. We can't be all bark and no bite. They WILL call off our bluff. So be prepared to set down the rules and follow through. If he continues to do 1-9, then tell him what the consequences are this time around.

Just remember you CANNOT FORCE HIM to do ANYTHING. You can only work on yourself and honestly, setting the consequences REALLY helps our own self-esteem and our self-respect.

I'm in 5 year R and no way in hell does your 1-9 sounds like a true R. It actually sound like he's going to end up cheating again. This happened to me before when there were no consequences and rug swept happened. We all just pretended to be happy. I can see it clearly now but after 11 years of multiple OW, I finally freaking learned... and so did my FWH.

More hugs your way.

[This message edited by Simple at 5:57 PM, September 19th (Thursday)]


Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.


Posts: 927 | Registered: Mar 2008
mchercheur
♀ Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 7:43 PM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm in 5 year R and no way in hell does your 1-9 sounds like a true R. It actually sound like he's going to end up cheating again. This happened to me before when there were no consequences and rug swept happened. We all just pretended to be happy. I can see it clearly now but after 11 years of multiple OW

^^^^MY BIGGEST FEAR

It seems like there were no consequences for his actions. That's something we BS's need to enforce. We can't be all bark and no bite. They WILL call off our bluff.

When I read this, the first thought that came to mine was:
"but MY husband would never do that to me" as if our case is special. BS FOG much?

This is a very good thread that I think your WS should've followed: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=324250

^^^^^This one has been sitting right by his bed for 2 yrs, but he hasn't read it yet.
He did read the book I mentioned above,which is very similiar.

OK, I know I should "enforce the rules, set down the consequences."

So I just tried it. I sat down with him just now & said,
"WH, you know how you want sex every night ( BTW we are in our late 50s), well, I have been going along with that for the past 2 yrs to meet your needs. How about you meet my need to read the article I am giving you & we talk about them. How about we schedule to talk at least once per week inbetween MC sessions, about our marriage, & YOU initiate it. He said OK. Let's see if he does it.

Some people don't want to confront their mistake and dissect it and find out why. It's the only way to correct it from the root. My FWW is kinda on the same boat. She says she wants to know why and correct it, but her past is way too painful and stops short of getting to the nitty gritty of it all.

Yes, if WH confronted his past, he would have to admit what his mother is.
Also, I believe that she withheld nurturing from him because she was so selfish, & that is why he is so subservient to her to this day.

The only person you can rely on is you. You alone are responsible for your healing. You may NEVER get what you ask for from your WH.

^^^This is true
Even if your WH does every thing you need you still have to heal yourself. To do that I stopped counting on my WW for anything. If she wants to rug sweep her LTA thats her issue. I have not rug swept it in my life. I am healing on my own and moving forward. WW either comes along or she doesnt. In the end either way it goes I will be fine.

How are you healing on your own? The first thing that comes to my mind is to start meditating every day again. I used to do that before Dday, &
I don't know why I stopped. I have not been able to feel grounded enough to do it since then---it is like my foundation is gone, & I haven't been able to focus like I used to before Dday.


IMO its a bad recipe to rely on our WS for our healing. I was there. For a LONG time I was stuck in limbo still bleeding from the wounds of her affair. I needed the truth. I needed a time line. I needed remorse. I needed empathy.

But a person can not give what they have no faculty for.

Yes, I think this is my answer. I love & respect WH, but I don't think he has the faculty for this.
I don't think he has it in him to give. Can he learn?

You do not need to "move on" or "get over it". You need to heal. Healing takes time. Healing takes work. Healing takes patience.

Sometimes it feels like 1 step forward, 2 steps back.


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1396 | Registered: Dec 2012
JKL Vikings
♂ Member
Member # 32094
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First of all, I have a MAJOR pet peeve when someone just goes through the motions. I don't know your H so I can't yet make that call. I do believe he has more work to do, though. Getting to his why is huge. I posted earlier this summer about "why bother with why?" It's like this: We ALL have issues, it's how we deal with them. Maybe you two have a fight. Maybe he has to go "without" for a few weeks.He has to have a plan in place to deal with those issues.
Yes, getting down to the whys can be painful. It was for me. I totally didn't WANT to dissect the hows and whys of the dumbest decision EVER in my life. The pain I dealt with was a paper cut compared to the gunshot wound the Alpha Female dealt with.
My final suggestion:
1. BREAK IT DOWN to your H what you need and are not currently getting. Maybe you shouldn't have to at this point but it will serve 2 purposes. a. He knows EXACTLY where you're coming from. And B.You can now let go of the outcome.. I hope he succeeds. If he fails, then you can walk away knowing you gave it your best.
I wish you the best in your journey. Holler or PM anytime.


Her- Alpha Female 40
Me-FWH 42
Married since '02, together since 2000
D-day 2/10/2009
3 sons- J- born Oct 2001
K- born Sept. 2005
L- born Apr. 2008
We ALL have issues. It's how we deal with them that makes the difference

Posts: 524 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Dallas, TX
mchercheur
♀ Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi JKL Vikings,
I just went & read your "Why Bother With Why" thread.
WH came from a family that always swept everything under the rug. So, since he doesn't want to talk about FOO, he doesn't even want to look at why he doesn't want to look at it.

And as Simple said above, I can't force him. So, I can accept it, or leave.


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1396 | Registered: Dec 2012
Simple
♀ Member
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mchercheur, for healing on your own, staying here to get support and vent and read lots. For me looking at people's experiences helps so much put my world into a different perspective. You may not know how much strength you actually have. Maybe go back to meditation and channel your inner Queen.


Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.


Posts: 927 | Registered: Mar 2008
Topic Posts: 15

Return to Forum: Reconciliation Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.