“Once it is violated, trust can be regained, but only in certain situations that depend on the type of violation. If the cause is lack of ability, it’s usually best to apologize and recognize you should have done better. When lack of integrity is the problem, though, apologies don’t do much good. Regardless of the violation, simply saying nothing or refusing to confirm or deny guilt is never an effective strategy of regaining trust. Trust can be restored when we observe a consistent pattern of trustworthy behavior by the transgressor. However, if the transgressor used deception, trust never fully returns, not even after apologies, promises or a consistent pattern of trustworthy behavior.”
It's really making me think. In my situation, there was never an opportunity to rebuild trust, since X is the cowardly type that ran away as fast as he could from the mess he made. I've done a lot of reading on SI and I thought this was an interesting view and wondered how people would think it applied to the whole infidelity picture. Sorry in advance for being a geek that thinks she is finding nuggets of wisdom in dry old textbooks. (Mods, please give this a ride if I'm posting in the wrong forum - I wasn't sure if this was the right place.)
The passage you posted makes sense. It validates why I can't move to total trust and why I probably never will. That is disappointing at 30 years of marriage now....but it is what it is. I am not sure I could 100% trust any partner (if I were to get a new one) again.
“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to be sure of keeping your heart intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully around with hobbies and little luxuries, avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safely in the casket of your selfishness. And in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will not change, it will not be broken. It will become unbreakable, impenetrable, and irredeemable. The only place outside of heaven where you can be perfectly safe from the dangers of love is hell.” ~C.S. Lewis
[This message edited by ladies_first at 11:00 PM, September 19th (Thursday)]
OW#1 Dday1 9/11 DDay2 11/12 Dday3 12/11
OW#2 Dday1 06/13 (praying for no more)
We are R & it seems to be going well.
Tough times don't last; tough people do